Christmas in England, Julie & Julia and where to go from here?

I leave for England in less than 48 hours. I am just overwhelmed that I am going back to England only a couple months after being there for the first time. I am excited but so not prepared.  I haven’t even begun to pack and I have no idea what we’re going to do there besides the actual Christmas stuff.

I find myself very emotional today. Feeling really down and introspective.  I watched Julie & Julia tonight and I thought.. why didn’t I think of that?  I love to cook, I saw myself in many aspects of that movie and I love to blog.  I am a writer.. why couldn’t I be the one to write some super cool blog that everyone wants to read? 

I got a book from work today. “What Color is your Parachute?”…

The funny thing about the book is that it is “A Practical Manual for Job-hunters and Career Changers”… Interesting that work would give this book to me to read… The woman who lent it to me made a comment that she always gets it back obviously unopened and unread… I can see why… the whole first half of the book – at least – is about how to find a new job and how to do a resume, go to interviews etc…  Anyone wanting to use it as a stepping stone for career advancement within the company wouldn’t be too interested in reading about how to find a new job elsewhere…

I am hoping… hoping that this book will miraculously help me figure out what to do with my career.  I kind of know what needs to be done but I am not sure how…  For the time being, I am getting another certificate from Mount Royal University.  Nothing huge or amazing but gradual improvement on my education and experience!

I have become completely obsessed with cooking and food.  I am addicted to the Food Network and have begun to accumulate a really good cookbook collection. I have also started to weed out the cookbooks I don’t like.

My one downfall though, is that I tend to read the recipe but not follow it completely.  I use them as guidelines, not necessarily as law… I have followed a couple recipes recently.. to the letter (more or less) and they have turned out wonderfully!!  I made 6 Cornish hens with cornbread stuffing.  The cornbread recipe was followed to the letter as well! Delicious! I got the cornbread recipe from Martha Stewart, the Hen recipe from Ina Garten (Barefoot Contessa).

I also made Pork Lo Mein from the America’s Text Kitchen cookbook. It was superb!!! It doesn’t always turn out the same though.  Sometimes I slip and add too much garlic chili sauce.. sometimes I add too much 5 spice.

I also recently made duck breast with a blueberry balsamic glaze BUT that one, I used a couple recipes as guidelines (mainly Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsay) and then had to completely make up the blueberry balsamic glaze because I couldn’t find one online.  I made it using dried blueberries.

Anyway.. I have a lot to think about and I am torn between my new fetish.. – food… and my need for a really lucrative career.  Its kinda funny… Neil keeps referring to the Food Network as my porn LOL.

I’ll figure it all out.. and drag you along with me ;) Thanks for listening…

Goals, Reflection and Mottos…

So I have been thinking a lot lately about where I am in my life.  Several years ago I set 5 goals for myself.  One was pretty minor.. (quit biting my fingernails) and one was completely out of my control (meet the love of my life) but the other 3 were pretty huge goals that I did have control over.  1) Quit Smoking 2) Find a career I love 3) lose weight. Ok so admittedly I still bite my nails ;P … BUT…

Some of these goals have been there my whole life and all of them have been on my list for more than 15 years.  So what happens when you have set 5 goals (some of which seemed impossible to achieve) and you actually achieve them?? You start over I suppose. Back to square one.  Back to the bottom of the uphill climb.

I think the hardest part of this whole process is keeping the momentum going, keeping things moving forward and keep growing as a person while dealing with the things I have already done.  For instance, I am now in an amazing relationship with Neil.  A relationship that I have waited for my whole life.  So I am growing and exploring my new relationship and loving every minute of it.  Meanwhile, I am still learning how to live my new life after having lost 1/2 of my body weight. 

Several years ago I established a career in Technical Writing. It was the first time I felt like I knew what I wanted to do with my life.  So here I am… a non-smoker, technical writer with an amazing boyfriend and finally healthy.. so now what?

Last year, rather than deal with my changing life, I jumped into choir and acting classes.  Rather than take time to get my life to a settled state again or to enjoy the changes I was experiencing, I kept stirring things up.  Now I am dealing with the repercussions.  So many things I should have finished/organized/sorted out a year ago are still waiting to be done. 

So I guess this is where my next set of goals comes into play. I need to think long and hard because things are shifting constantly. 

My life is like the ocean.. deep, full of all sorts of great (and often delicious) things and always moving.

I think I will make a few lists.  A few BIG goals (5 or 10 year span), a dozen moderate goals (within 5 years) and many really quick hit type goals that can go as short as a day or as long as a year.

Of course all of this is directly related to the reflection I am doing and need to do in my life.  Not only is my personal life a new and exciting but I am starting to realize that I am not as happy at work as I hoped I would be at this point. 

Even though I am working with the title that fits into my career goal, I am not doing the type of work in the type of environment that I need to be really fulfilled.  I work in the finance department and I really don’t fit in.  My direct office neighbors for the most part want nothing to do with me and since I don’t have any specific business reasons to be in constant contact with them, there is no reason for me to be included in anything.  I am the type of person that can work well independently but I need to have the feeling that I am part of a collaborative team.  I need to have people to bounce things off of and I need to have people willing to build relationships with me. I don’t know how I can change things in the company I am in.  I suspect there is a way but right now I feel completely helpless and a little overwhelmed. 

With that, there is the issue of Neil possibly needing to move to a new University in the next year. Right now, I am left completely unaware of what city we would move to, not to mention when it would happen.  If it would happen. I am a huge planner so I know that as soon as we have an idea, I will become a complete nutcase lol.  I am really nervous about that whole concept.  Leaving my family and friends to go someplace new with the man of my dreams.  Scary but exciting… Until Neil knows something, I am completely unsure of what will happen.

So, while I wait for the potential inevitable, I am going to get some education and really improve my skills.  I plan on taking my Business Analysis Certificate at Mount Royal University.  I started the program a while ago so some of it will be review but I am looking forward to learning something new!

My other “plan” is to just try and get/stay as connected as possible in my current job and do my best.  It doesn’t matter if people I work with don’t have any faith in my ability and it doesn’t matter that I have no team to build a relationship with.  I still have to work with integrity and try and make as much of a difference as I can.  I have been so miserable and it is somewhat known among my superiors so I have a fear of being laid off… I’ve noticed that it usually happens to people when they are most unhappy.  I hope that I am not laid off of course but whatever does happen will end up being positive because I have the ability to make it that way.

So this brings me to my Motto… I need a life motto.  I need one sentence that sums me up in a nutshell.  I have to ponder that.  Any thoughts???

I know this all seems a bit weird and somewhat negative but I am feeling really positive overall.  I am overwhelmed and a little out of my element but I am aware of it and working on it.  I don’t feel like I need advice… I just need time to create a plan for myself.  At least I have wonderful and amazing people in my life :)

So this is where I leave you.. Thanks for reading!

Being abroad and being half of the broad I used to be... (-233 which means 1/2 gone forever)

The trip to England was a whirlwind! I don't want to retell the story of every event in sequence so I will give a slightly "Reader's Digest" version. We went there as a surprise to Neil's mom. The rest of his family knew we were coming so we all conspired to surprise her.

It drove me nuts not being able to post on Facebook that I was off to Europe. Europe is a pretty big deal for me. I went to Germany and Denmark when I was in my early 20's and I thought I would never head out of the country again. Then of course I went to Brazil and that really started things off for me again. From there I ended up flying to Vancouver and Montreal and Toronto but I certainly did not think I would be going to England ever much less this year!

I felt instantly comfortable the second we arrived in England. Perhaps it is the association with Neil being born there or maybe it just proves it is all meant to be. Neil's family was amazing. I felt like one of the clan quickly and this is a little strange for me but I really felt like they were family immediately. I guess for me, that really proved how natural and honest and real Neil is. He is q00% his family and they are awesome too!

The day we surprised Neil's mom, we all went for a Family photo shoot and then to dinner at the Yew Tree Inn. The photo shoot was fun. I had always wanted to do something like that and I was honoured to be considered worthy of being included in the group family photo. Dinner was pretty cool. The food was homey and the portions were HUGE! The banoffee pie was very decadent and the family was a lot of fun! While in England we also went to a castle that was at one time owned by Neil's ancestors. Bodiam Castle was beautiful! Neil and I went in and walked around. We took photos and really had some special "us" time in there. There was one point where I was standing in the castle (most of it is exposed as it is really an outer shell with little for coverage) and I was thinking to myself.. this would be an amazing place to get married... and at that moment I looked down and saw the plaque that said "Chapel". That was a serious case of the warm fuzzies right there.

Neil's parents also took us to another town called Arundel where there was another castle but we didn't go in. We ended up spending our time there walking around the town and taking a walk along the river. It was a seriously amazing viewpoint of England and really epitomises what England is really like. We then went to a pub called the Black Rabbit and sat along the river at picnic tables and enjoyed a pint and lunch.

During the week Neil and I took two trips to seaside towns (Eastbourne and Brighton) & ate Fish and chips.. We also went to London for the day. I think the most time consuming aspect of sightseeing is the travel time. We spent 1 Hour 20 Minutes on the train to London and the same back to Polegate (the nearest station to his mom and dad's place). London was crazy and hectic.

We did a lot of shopping and ended up having a delicious dinner. We did have some not-so-good sushi and a mediocre lunch but in all, it was a great time! It really makes me want to go back and really take time to see some of the sights and visit the museums and galleries. We really only got a glimpse of the attractions in London so it would be so nice to be able to see more again. Luckily I am in this relationship for good so I foresee a lot more trips in the future.

Neil and I also spent some time in his town of Hailsham and bought candy to bring home etc.. I admittedly did way too much shopping on this trip and although Neil's sister-in-law to be has vowed to take me clothes shopping at Christmas, I am definitely going to plan on curbing my spending this time around!

So Neil and I head back to England for Christmas this year. We are flying out of Calgary on December 16th and we return on December 29th (just in time to recover for New Years Eve!) I expect this next trip to be as equally thrilling and I expect my relationship with Neil to never dull. I can't imagine life with Neil being anything but one amazing adventure after another.

Next year I plan on spending Christmas in Canada. I am hoping Neil's parents plan to come here for Christmas. Bottom line is that I want to be able to spend some Christmases with my family as well. I have some pretty important people in my really tiny family and they are important to me. I think we can compromise without any issues :)

When I got back from England I weighed myself and I was so excited that I could report that I am down to 233 which is exactly 1/2 of my highest weight of 466lbs! I am so glad Neil didn't have to know me in the pre-Marchesini era because I am so much happier now. I am just loving life now. As much as I thought I was before... It took all of my energy to make myself believe I was happy. Now, things come much easier. Every day I am amazed at how my life has turned around over the past 2 years and how much better my life is now. I marvel at how fortunate I am to have certain amazing people in my life and I am so thankful that I am appreciative of them.

Even though I am 1/2 of the person I once was physically, as Neil reminds me, I am even greater than 100% mentally, emotionally and spiritually than I was before!

Anyway, enough about that! Thanks for reading!

Manners, Evolution and Intuition...

I'm going to post my thoughts in the order that makes most sense to me.. I want to end on a positive note.. Not to say that this entry will be particularly negative but blogging is one of a few outlets I have to vent and I plan on taking full advantage of that ;)

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I can be a bit high strung about certain things. I have pet peeves and I get easily annoyed especially when it comes to human behaviour.

I try my best to stick by certain golden rules such as "never going to someone's home empty handed" or "simply saying please and thank you". Seems pretty brainless but I feel like certain common courtesies are beginning to see their way out of our society. It could be that humans are evolving towards a new era of "wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am-ism" or perhaps we are running out of suitable role models. After all, it seems we can all benefit by a refresh of these things on occasion... the following phrases come to mind... "Use it, or lose it..."Out of sight, out of mind". I guess if fewer people are carrying on these seemingly "old-fashioned" courtesies, there is no one to lead by example...

I suppose it is only fair that I give some examples of such behaviour. This morning, I was approaching a set of double glass doors in my office building lobby. The doors are obviously transparent and the woman walking towards the doors from the opposite side can clearly see I am approaching the door on the right hand side. Now, rather than reach for the second door and make her way through, she not only stops and waits for me to open the door but then decides that she should be the first to go through. Ok so I could look at this from the other side and say.. ok so I was nice and opened the door for another person yadda yadda yadda... but the fact here is that she fully intended to wait until I opened that door without even making an attempt to reach for the handle herself, let herself through and went on her way. In the same regard I notice that the average age of all the men downtown, who actually open the door for me (or other women) or wait to step on/off the elevator until the women have passed, is roughly 45. Few (if any) men younger than that have the "ladies first" instinct. Ok, so I will play my own Devil's advocate here and say.. Yeah but with women's lib and all that jazz can you really blame them? Or why should women get priority etc... and the bottom line for me is that quite frankly it shows respect. I don't care if it is evolving its way out of our society, its still nice to see a man who is in most cases larger and stronger show that little bit of gentle courtesy to a woman.

Ok so I am almost done griping but I have one more... I love to entertain. One of my favourite things to do is cook and since I tend to have the inability to cook small portions anyway, it seems fitting that I cook for friends. Because of that passion, it seems that the natural thing for me to do is throw parties..

So for the third year in a row, Lauren and I had a Halloween party. Of course this year Neil was a co-host as well. I don't take my parties lightly. Neil and Lauren can attest to how OCD I can be when it comes to being in party planning mode. I end up spending a lot of money on food/drink, we clean the house to "presentation level" and we decorate. This year we had 17 confirmed guests (not including some spouses etc..). We expected roughly 27 (in all) and 8 actually showed up. Less than half.

We have had our share of party mishaps.. we've had potlucks where people don't bother to bring food or rather than bring their own alcohol, help themselves to ours. We have had many parties where few showed up (or the year one person showed up and I became Dr. Phil for the evening).

Honestly, I never care if people just don't want to come to one of my parties. As long as they are honest and RSVP. Don't sit on the Maybe list and pretend like there is a chance you will make it. Definitely don't be a "maybe" if you are sure that you can't make it. Don't double book and if you can't make it, be honest and just call/text/email/facebook. The fact is, parties aren't easy to plan and they can cost a lot of money and just ignoring that is in my opinion .. rude! Don't think you're doing me a favour by making me think you want to come when you know you can't.

Anyway, I think I have vented enough. I would be interested in hearing some opinions about this because maybe I am crazy or totally on another planet or something...

So last night I was out with Neil and we were heading to his Lab to do some work. It was late (around 10) and we were driving down Deerfoot trail when I suddenly had this vision of a deer darting out into the road. I have only ever seen one deer around Deerfoot trail in my lifetime and it was dead on the side of the road. So I thought this "vision" was my overactive imagination because we have decided to go to Lethbridge this weekend and we all know what happened the second-last time I went to Lethbridge.. we hit that poor deer.

So I told Neil "I just had a vision of a deer!!". I saw it dart out into the road. It really made me feel like I needed to be on the lookout. Not two minutes later I saw a huge stag on the side of the road just past the Calf Robe Bridge (by Peigan Trail). It was on the other side of the barrier and didn't appear to be looking to jump over but it was huge and had massive antlers. I was so alarmed. Not so much that the deer was there but I often get these twinges of intuition and recommend alternate courses of travel or suggest we be more alert etc.. but it is not often that those visions are validated. Ok so the deer didn't dart out but it may have and as a result we didn't head home in that same direction. We took the alternate route of Crowchild to Glenmore.

In my opinion it doesn't matter if these little bits of intuition are validated.. I have learned to always listen to them and to trust my instincts.. but it is nice to see that it is not always my overactive imagination at play.

On that note, I took a tea break just now. I went to the store this morning and bought a 1L carton of 2% lactaid milk. I finished off the last carton this morning on my tea and when I brought the new carton back from the store, my gut kept telling me to check the seal.. of course I was fiddling with the cap and didn't bother to check... so just now I went to get another tea and when I opened the milk (supposedly for the first time) the seal was missing from the inside.

Now there is that chance that in the short time since I bought the carton, someone from my floor went to the fridge and opened my new milk and helped themselves.. or maybe the seal was missing altogether... Either way, I wasn't sure so I quickly ran downstairs and exchanged the carton for a new one...

Speaking of tea.. ever since I got back from England I have been on a bit of a tea kick. I have always loved tea but I usually stick to green/herbal teas (usually on account of the lactose intolerance). But lately I have been enjoying the black teas with milk/sugar as I used to when I was younger.

I'll discuss the England trip in my next post. These are getting too long to keep as one...

Shackin’ up, Plastics and Marketing… (240 lbs, -226lbs!)

I think there is a certain expectation in this world that people follow a specific pattern when it comes to relationships.  In “traditional” families, a woman would likely not have sex before marriage much less share accommodations.  Well anyone who knows me, knows my family is far from traditional and even though I am not a wild and crazy rebel, I do have a nose piercing, a tattoo and I flew to Brazil for surgery not knowing much more about my surgeon than the (hopefully) good word of a bunch of Americans I had never met. 

So at the end of August, Neil moved into my house.  We moved him out of his apartment and I am thrilled to say that I have never been happier.  For those of you who are unsure of how you feel about us “shackin’ up”, wait till I tell you that on Monday, September 14th, we celebrate our 6th monthiversary of our first date.

I have been given my fair share of opinions and disapprovals about my relationship and the speed to which it is advancing but before you comment on this blog and tell me you agree with the naysayers, let me cut you off by telling you that I don’t care ;)  Quite frankly, the only people it has to feel right for is Neil and me and for those of you who do not have the privilege of living inside of my head, you need to be made aware that I am absolutely, completely saturated with happiness.

I feel like I have known Neil my whole life.  I feel like somehow I knew his soul and was just waiting for the moment we were allowed to meet.  I am thankful, I am blessed, I am lucky and I am In Love :)

So enough mushy stuff..  long story short… Neil moved in, we’re renovating the basement (spent last weekend drywalling – woo!) and continue to get settled in our life together.  I look forward to the settling in part but something tells me that our relationship will never be dull.

So… Thinking about my amazingly sweet “live-in” boyfriend reminds me of a little medical appointment I had this week…  a couple years ago (in the post Marchesini era), I asked for a referral to a plastic surgeon.  I knew that the wait for a consultation would be long so before I had even come close to losing the amount I have lost now, I took a long shot and booked in for a consult.  So this week I met Dr. Humphreys.  He was so nice and although I expected to leave his office feeling like crap, I left with my head held high and honestly relieved that my instincts are so dead on. 

Before I even met Dr. Humphreys, I had already come to the conclusion that I would not be having any plastic surgery for a very long time (if at all).  I want to have children which means that any abdominal surgery would have to wait.  The only surgery I am actually able to have today, is my arms… and since Alberta Health Care doesn’t cover the cost, I would have to pay over $5000 out of pocket. To be honest, I would rather take flabby arms than spend $5k on a very long scar… So, for any of you expecting for me to be appearing in Sports Illustrated next Summer, I am so sorry to disappoint ;) Neil has been very clear that he loves me just as I am and I definitely believe him :) On to more interesting topics…

I used to think that the farmer’s market was this super awesome date type activity.. I am not so sure anymore lol.  I think though, that spending a couple hours at the Farmer’s Market with my sister is definitely more fitting. A couple of weeks ago Neil confessed that the Farmer’s Market was not his favourite activity.  I am SO GLAD he told me because I can always use more sister time and why put him through something he doesn’t enjoy? 

The first time I took Neil to the Currie Barracks Farmer’s Market, a merchant actually referred to me as Neil’s wife.  We had a good giggle about that at the time :) 

So the last time I went to the market I made a discovery.  I really don’t think the market is all that great :(  As much as I love the concept, I have major issues with it  I find it so sad that the price of produce is often way higher than at Sobeys and I have a hard time finding LOCAL produce.  Most major grocery chains are bragging about their local suppliers.

I do very much enjoy purchasing meat at the market though.  When Neil and I last went, we bought an amazingly huge pork roast with the rind on at a fantastic price.  It was so big we cut it into 3 roasts!!! When Lauren and I last went, I bought chicken backs and necks for stock and got a nice slab of side pork.  I have also started to deal with a lovely organic beef farmer that is from Claresholm.  He comes to the McKenzie Towne Farmer’s Market and provides me with the most incredible ox tails and beef soup bones.

So I suppose I am somewhat jaded in Farmer’s Marketdom.  I am all for the meat but the veg is causing me grief.

I am very happy to report though that we are enjoying a very nice bounty right from my own home garden!  We are regularly harvesting tomatoes, zucchini, strawberries, raspberries, carrots, beets and a wide variety of herbs! My goal right now is to use the canned goods we have in the house as much as possible (I have managed to accumulate a lot of canned stuff) and I also aim to use the fruits of my labour from the garden as much as possible!

The most popular dish so far from the garden was the cherry tomato salad.  Green onions, tomatoes and herbs from the garden mixed with balsamic vinegar, olive oil, a little honey and salt & pepper.  YUM!

Anyway… I am so happy to be able to share all of these things with you.  My life is (for the most part) moving along at a very content rate.  I am so excited about what is to come… although the number of green tomatoes in my garden frightens me a bit (as I envision the requirement to speed up the ripening process before the first frost).

I am excited about life with Neil and I am so lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life.  And… because you have made it to the end of this post, that means you too!

Family, Future and Food... Part 3 (Food)

Part 3 - Food...

I love to cook... that is a phrase I never thought I would say.. but I really do love to cook!

Pre-Marchesini, I really didn't enjoy cooking. I think part of it was that I almost always felt like crap. But I think part of it was also that I was afraid of food to a certain extent. Food was my enemy.. and even though I had a few signature type dishes, I didn't get excited about cooking.

Now.. I am a HUGE foodie! I have learned a lot about food, cooking techniques, flavor, control, experimentation, variety... especially variety.

I now grow my own fruits & vegetables (in the little space I have). I (hopefully) grow carrots, zucchini, cucumbers, tomatoes, radishes, beets, parsnips, raspberries, strawberries, blueberries and a wide variety of herbs (Basil, dill, rosemary, catnip, chives, parsley, sage, oregano & thyme). I say "hopefully" because some of those vegetables haven't grown to the point of harvest yet BUT they are getting there. So far this year we have had about a dozen radishes, 2 cherry tomatoes, at least a cup of raspberries, a few strawberries and nearly enough herbs to last the winter if I dry them. I am excited about the garden. I get such a rush from knowing that I put something in the ground and it grew.. and then I could eat it. So amazing!

My dream is that in my next house, I have a proper garden with a greenhouse! I am really interested in the idea of growing as much of my own food as I can in the summer (I am not really that keen on canning and preserving for the winter just yet) but I also really love the idea of the 100 mile challenge. I think everyone needs to stop relying on convenience foods and processed foods and we really should be buying food as local to us as possible. Why don't we support our neighbors? I was so mad in Co-op the other day because they didn't have any potatoes from Canada. All were imported from the USA. A few weeks ago I went to a free pork sandwich lunch offered by the Canadian Pork Producers. They were creating awareness that we need to buy Canadian pork because the pork producers here are really struggling. You can imagine the trickle effect. Less pork production = fewer pigs = fewer pigs to feed = farmers producing pig feed getting fewer orders etc... Canadian pork is perfectly safe to eat and it is a delicious and lean meat as well! (Depending on the cut). Anyway... my rant is.. When you are shopping for anything, know where it comes from and really try to buy as local as possible! (stepping down from soapbox now)

On a side note, I am excited about an organic beef farm I am becoming familiar with. I bought oxtails and beef soup bones from him last month and the quality was incredible so I have placed another order and he will bring it to the McKenzie Towne Farmer's Market!

I've been thinking a lot about my life and what I am passionate about and I realized that a big part of my passion is food (No, really!). I don't want to be a chef, but I think I am a good cook so I want to do something about it. So, I have decided to start really building my recipe repertoire. I am perfecting my favourite recipes and inventing some new ones based on some of the flavors I love. I have an angle I want to use and I think I have a really good idea that could make a really cool cookbook. I am hoping one day to get this cookbook published but quite frankly I think the research and experimentation will be all the fun! I have already started to experiment and I am really excited.

Unfortunately, with me wanting to cook ALL the time, poor Lauren never gets to cook. I have made it clear that all she needs to do is tell me she wants to cook and I will back off.. I have also let her know that some of her signature recipes should go into the cookbook as well.. but for supper, if I don't hear anything at least the night before, I am making plans in my head. I do tend to think about suppertime a whole day in advance but you kind of have to.. Whether it be taking something out of the freezer or using up leftovers, you need to have an idea of what you are going to have without being rigid and unflexible. We are really trying to use up all the stuff we have in the fridge/freezer.

Anyway.. thats about it for now. I am excited about everything.. Family, my future and food! Thanks for reading!

Family, Future and Food... Part 2 (Future)

Part 2 - Future...

I have had a lot to think about regarding my future. I can't help but think ahead. I do that a lot but now that I have Neil in my life and with all the changes I have made over the past 2 years (Happy 2 year Surgiversary to me! 2 years on July 24th), I have this extreme desire to plan my future. Besides the obvious planning of a life with Neil, I am also thinking about one day having kids and moving into a bigger place with more bedrooms. A lot to think about! I am not worried at all. I know that what is meant to be, will be. As much as I think about my future with Neil and about a future family etc.. I feel somewhat like I need to pull back on the reigns of my brain. I am so used to being 100% in control of my destiny that I tend to map out things as the sole participant.. now I have other influences and a partner to consider. Someone who gets to share in a lot of those decisions.

Another thing I have been really spending a lot of time and energy thinking about, is my career. I am not 100% working in the role that I feel best fits my skills and I really miss working on a team of people who collaborate and share ideas with me. Being the only Tech Writer in the company is a lonely job. I wish I was at least a part of the communications department so I would be able to share in the creative energy pool. No offense to any accountants out there but it is hard to have my brain within a team of people that do all the things I was terrible at in High School! Mind ya, my actual team consists of me and my boss and he is on the other side of the country so technically my "team" that I refer to above is another team I tend to tag along with lol.

As part of this soul search and potential aspirations career-wise I am thinking about what I really love to do and what I really want to do in the future. When I have children I need to be able to take maternity leave or afford the time off anyway. It all fits together in a mishmash of what is practical vs. my aspirations. Again I am positive that whatever is meant to happen, will and of course everything always works out in the end.

This weekend I am going camping with Lauren, Neil and my Dad. I haven't been camping with my dad in a long time and I am really excited! He is a master camper and this is also the first camping trip post-Marchesini (after surgery) :)

On a side note, I have been thinking about potentially collecting and perfecting recipes to write a cookbook but I will touch on that in Part 3.

Family, Future and Food... Part 1 (Family) 243lbs = -223!!

I have a lot of things to talk about so I am going to break this up into 3 sections as indicated by the subject line :)

Part 1 - Family...

We scattered June's ashes this weekend. On Saturday. I have never experienced anything like that. It was absolutely gorgeous! As we were driving, I thought.. where could we possibly go that would be nice enough for her ashes?? It was nice countryside but nothing majestic... and then we hit a gravel road which became a dirt road which nearly became a dirt path. The road had deep gouges carved out of it and at times, it felt like we were really offroading! I was completely blown away when clouds of butterflies parted as we werent along our way. Beautiful!!! After well over an hour (or two) of driving, we get to the end of the road which led to a forest fire lookout (i believe).

When we pulled up to the spot, a field of wildflowers greeted us. Flies and butterflies and honeybees and pretty much every other insect was there as well.. a natural utopia. I was busy snapping photos of any butterfly or flower I could while my dad scoped out the perfect spot.. and it was perfect indeed. After a very short walk through some trees, we came across a cliff with large shale boulders. It overlooked a beautiful green valley filled with trees and rolling hills. The spot itself seemed to have been a resting place for others as well since names, dates and nicknames were carved into the stone. It was absolutely stunning!

My dad, Lauren and I each took turns reading a page which was given to us by the pastor of my dad's church. We began with some bible passages and June's favourite.. we then said a prayer and as I read the words for the burial/cremation ceremony, my dad released the ashes. The wind was in our favour and the ashes were swept up and away. After the release, my dad carved June's name and 2009 in the stone and Tamara carved a heart. June's daughter was really happy with the place my dad chose I think.
It was so nice.

Incidentally I got a sunburn and on the way back to Claresholm, Mizu got a nail in the tire and we had to drive back to Lethbridge going 80km/h in a 110 zone. After all the repairs on my car this year, I am tired of the issues. The tire only cost $45 luckily. Sigh. I had only been driving Mizu for less than a week before this happened too.. bleh!

I have definitely had my struggles with family. Some of my closest relationships are with people I consider family but who aren't related to me by blood. When I was a child, I honestly thought at one point that my entire reason for living, the reason for my existence, was to mend the gap in my family and bring everyone together again. It was torture for me to see our family lose touch and for people to be fighting. I never understood it but as I grew up, I began to realize that we can try and influence the situation but people can only change their own behaviour.. toss in some hormones, medical conditions, alcohol and circumstance and you have a recipe for a bit mess. I think once I realized I couldn't fix the family, I realized that i needed to stop worrying about them and worry more about me. Fortunately and unfortunately I have a terrible memory so I have forgotten a lot of the bad stuff but anything I haven't had closure on is still gnawing away at me... I don't know what it is or why, but I know it is there. It sucks. It is good because I forget the bad stuff but when I forget, I can't ever get the closure I need.

I think that part of my selfishness also expects that the adults in my family take care of themselves when they can and work to overcome issues when they need to. This to me, is common sense.. I also expect people to work on issues with eachother and not just let them stew and get worse.. of course that doesn't happen :/ I have no patience for people continually complaining about a problem they could be working towards fixing. In a way I don't mind feeling that way but I also feel a little guilty. I wish I had more patience.. I think I need to find a balance between patience and compassion, and feeling like I will be taken advantage of.. I need to be able to trust.

For now, I will focus on building my own family and maintaining the close relationships I do have. I have decided to focus on my life and on me... as selfish as that sounds, I think it is about time that I focus on living my life. (I will touch on this more in part 2)

All these wonderful things… love, food and adventure! 247lbs (-219)

I am sitting next to two of my favorite people in the whole world. Ok so I have a lot of favorites but I have to say that I feel really fortunate to be surrounded by such amazing individuals.

Lauren has been there for me, with me for a long time now.  She is one of the few people that has been there for me unconditionally, has been my rock when I needed her and has been just amazingly supportive.. and she keeps on being this person… this truly wonderful woman! 

And Neil… How can I even explain how shocked I am that I not only found this incredible man to inflate my heart to a whole new level that I didn’t know was possible, but that it actually happened to me…  TO ME!!!  I would have bet my life savings that I would have been a single cat lady my whole life… I didn’t think it was in the cards for me.  Somehow I always knew things would be wonderful for me, but in the same sense, I didn’t think it would include someone as incredible as Neil.

I can gush about these two all night and I probably will, but you need to realize that since July 24, 2007, my life has completely changed.  Ok so I still have the same house and job, but those were the only things that ever changed with me before.  Now THEY are stable and everything else has changed.  I have a whole new body and I get to experience life in a whole new way.  I have new challenges of course, but they make me love my life! 

I have a new man in my life and I am going to keep calling him my new man until someone gets it into my thick skull that I am not dreaming.  That he is really here in my life and I didn’t just imagine him.  I think one of the things that makes this situation so unbelievable is that he is a snapshot of everything I have ever asked for, ever wished for, ever dreamed about.. and then a little bit more!

And then back to Lauren… throughout all of this SHE is the MOST supportive person of my relationship with Neil.  No jealousy or bitterness or anything else that I would actually accept as reaction considering how long she and I have been living together and sharing adventures together.  It sounds like I expected her to be bitter or jealous and that is not at all the case, I am just saying that I would have been fine with that in her case because she and I have been so close and our lives so intertwined. She even made a comment to me that if Neil and I are not still a couple in 50 years, she would be pissed at me because she thinks he is that incredible and that we make such a great couple. That says a lot and coming from her, that means SO MUCH to me!

My heart is so full now and I had no idea it could get fuller.  I feel myself falling deeper for Neil every day and even though it seems so incredibly scary that we have only been together 15 weeks, I feel like I have known him my whole life.  Quite frankly I don’t give a damn how long it has been because it feels so perfect.  So right.  And my instincts are loud and clear that he is THE ONE!

I know he will read this blog (Hi Neil!) and I know Lauren will read it too (Hi Laur! :)) but I am not worried that Neil will know exactly how strongly I feel because we have been really clear with each other from Day 1 what our expectations are, what we want from the relationship and where we see it heading.  I am living my life for today and even though I am thinking many years in advance with a general feeling of where I want to be (and who I want to be with) I am taking it one day at a time and enjoying it.  As far as discussing our future, I think the fact that we're headed in the same direction is exactly the point. If anything is meant to be, it will be… and even though it may be challenging, the good things will come easily.

So as I am sitting between Laur and Neil, I count my blessings and thank what ever higher being is responsible for creating this joy in my life.

In the grand scheme of things, I have had a lot of shit in my life.  I apologize for the expletive but for any of you who has read my blog from day one, just the past few years has contained a lot of crap and then multiply that by childhood crap, teenage crap, young adult crap, relationship crap, health crap, money crap, job crap etc… (I could go on and on and on as you can see)…  With all that in mind I think i deserve this.  I think I have earned this. I think that I am exactly where I should be and I don’t think I have had anything come “easy” to me.  Neil has come into my life after more than a decade of being single… yes.. MORE than a decade and before that decade, I never met a man so amazing!  So as lucky and blessed as I feel, I think that I am due for some love, some happiness and some greatness in my life and I damn well expect things to keep getting better. 

This year I get to look forward to going with Neil to England and finally meeting his family.  To see where he comes from.  A whole new chapter in our relationship and I can’t wait to see what happens next.

As for Lauren, my only real wish for her is that she find the kind of love that I have found because she deserves it too.  I have no doubt that she will find that in her life.. when the time is right… but until then, I remain her sister, her best friend, her buddy!  And she will never be the third wheel in my relationship with Neil because she is equal and we both adore her!

So I leave you with a whole lot of rambling and I thank you for getting this far!  I hope you all have a wonderful summer and an amazing July!

Missing June, Catching up, 11 1/2 weeks (or 24 days or 2 1/2 months?)

It has been a long time since my last blog post. Almost 2 months… In that 2 months, a lot has happened.  I tend to have a lot going on in my life but this was something more. 

Almost exactly one month after my last blog, my Stepmom June passed away. It happened so damn fast. I can’t believe it.  I was asked to write her obituary and eulogy before she died, and that was just so hard to fathom at the time.  How could I start writing about someone who was still alive?  But I wanted to write it and was hoping to be able to read it to her before she died.  But I didn’t really get the opportunity.  Around the time of my last blog, I planned a trip down to Lethbridge with Neil.  I wanted to introduce them.  I wanted her to meet him. about a week after I decided to plan my trip down, we found out that June really wasn’t doing well. She wasn’t eating and they started looking into palliative care.  A week after that, we had our BBQ and my dad and June were supposed to come to Calgary to see Thomas the Train with Debbie and Michael.  June wasn’t well enough to make it so dad came up alone.  That weekend, while my dad was in Calgary, June was admitted to palliative care. We couldn’t believe how quickly things were progressing :(  Our planned trip to Lethbridge was the following weekend but by Wednesday of that week, June was already so drugged up and out of it that she wasn’t talking and she wasn’t on IV.  The night before I went to Lethbridge, I had a dream about June.  She walked into a room and she looked fantastic!  She was healthy, happy and she smiled at me.  She was telling me she was ok. Her hair was short and in a style I hadn’t seen before. I thought that dream was so peaceful. 

By the time Neil and I got down there on the weekend, she was completely unresponsive.  I cried. I couldn’t believe how she looked. Her hair was identical to the style she had in my dream but she looked so skinny and weak.  It was awful :( Neil and I stayed overnight and spent time with my dad.  We stayed at the hospital as much as we could.  They kept saying “just a few more days”.

Later the following week (Wednesday), Lauren and I went to Lethbridge to help my dad out a bit.  We spent the night with June while my dad went home.  We spent the entire time in Lethbridge in the hospital with June.  There for her just in case she needed us. We went back to Calgary on Thursday night. Friday morning (very early), my dad called to let us know that June passed away that morning.  What a huge relief that she is no longer suffering, but what a horrible thing to happen.  She was only 69.  One month from her 70th birthday.  Then began prep for the funeral.  Memorial Cards, the Obituary and the Eulogy.  The worst week of my life thus far.  I barely slept the whole time.. I couldn’t stop thinking about my dad and June. Thankfully, Debbie went to Lethbridge to keep my dad company.

So now that things have changed and life has shifted so dramatically, I find myself on the edge of a wormhole.  Sort of fighting the current that is about to suck me in.  I have so much I want to do, and so much I want to accomplish but not enough energy or motivation for it. Now that June is gone, my dad needs all sorts of help with garage sale, getting the house in order and generally just providing moral support. I am tired.  I am in a funky and bad sleeping pattern and I need to get it ship shape!

So Neil and I have been together now for 11 1/2 weeks.  It feels like longer only because we are so comfortable together. He is quite frankly perfect for me.  We were made for each other and not to be too cliché, we are like hand in glove. I love him.  Every bit of him.  And at the risk of sounding really mushy and sending you all to puke, he is my soul mate.  I really do love him with all of my heart.  We have officially exchanged house keys too!!!

Anyway, it is bed time.  This summer will be a busy one for sure.  We are planning more things with my dad and will be helping him with garage sales etc.. 

Well I hope my next post is on more happy things because I call tell you that I foresee great and amazing things to come!!!

Potential Career Change?? At the very least, a shift in perspective...

I had my class at Mount Royal last night. I am taking a variety of courses for the Professional Business Communications certificate. So far, I have completed one course, am in the middle of the second course and I start the third course tomorrow. The fourth of the series is starting in a week or so.

I am taking this certificate program for two reasons. Both professional and personal. I want to develop my professional skills and beef up my resume, but I also want to develop my personal skills and grow as an individual. As I move through this process though, I start to realize that I am much further ahead than I once thought and part of that discovery is because of my confidence level. Now that I have been in class rooms with other people, I can see how much more confident I am in the grand scheme of things compared to others, and how good I feel about myself.

I was talking to Neil and Lauren both last night about a potential career change. I wasn't thinking of quitting my current job or anything, but I realized after this last class that I really do love speaking to people about things that matter to me.. It is such a rush and a huge boost of adrenaline. I was thinking maybe doing some teaching myself one day or perhaps doing some motivational speaking... I think this is something I will have to explore and even though it likely won't result in an immediate career change, it will at the very least change my perspective.

This class I am in is called "Speaking with Confidence" and I am not sure if I have blogged about it before but I rated myself a 7 or 8 out of 10 on the confidence scale when the remainder of the class hovers around a 3. The instructor often relies on me to keep the class momentum up because he knows I am willing to go first on occasion etc.. and I usually have something interesting to offer. What he may not realize is that by not forcing the other people to come forward, he may not be giving them as much opportunity to learn.. who knows, I could be wrong but I try my best to not volunteer to go first etc.. because they all need to break out of their shells too!

Last night, I wasn't feeling up to going to class much less doing a speech so I kind of purposely didn't bother writing my 5 min speech I was supposed to.. oops! And when I sat down in class I immediately confessed my sins to the instructor who offered to call my higher being of choice for my forgiveness, and then promptly asked if I would be willing to do an impromptu speech.

So impromptu it was.. I feel more comfortable with that anyway.. so I gave him two choices of topics.. 1) How I lost nearly 1/2 of myself (we all know what thats about) and 2) Trusting your gut instincts.

He chose the latter and I did a speech on an incident I had where I learned that my gut instincts are very clearly defined and that I am glad I trust them. The story is pretty crazy and most my friends have heard it.. (if you haven't, I would be happy to share in person but I don't want to blog about it).

Anyway.. the speech was supposed to be 5 minutes long and at 4 1/2 mins, my instructor was supposed to give me a time warning. I needed this desperately to learn how to judge time etc..
So I got up and started telling my story and felt so incredibly alive up there in front of the group. And towards the end of my story, the instructor held up his hand as my 30 second warning... and I summed things up...

The speech went marvelously. People were enthralled and fascinated. I had all of their attention and I loved it!!! The only problem was... My instructor was so wrapped up in the speech, that he forgot to watch the clock and let me go for 8 minutes and 33 seconds!!!!! Now those of you who know me, know that I have a number thing.. 8's and 3's... and it gave me chills when he told me I went for 8:33!!!

Anyway.. he had nothing bad to say, no criticism and complimented me in his feedback.. so I had to tell him what I thought I needed to work on... I confessed that I feel like I need a better and clearer understanding of how long a second, minute, 5 mins etc.. is.. and that I think that once you can grasp the concept of time, you can really control it rather than be at its mercy. At that second, I saw his eyes widen and although I don't think I really told him anything he didn't already know, I think I enlightened him a little bit as to a new way of thinking about this class.

So now, next week I have another 5 min speech and this one is supposed to be researched, prepared and outlined.. crap lol.. I think I may have set my personal bar a little higher than I expected to.. everyone was telling me that they are looking forward to hearing what is next!

I have some topics on the top of my mind that I could present... I could talk about my surgery, I could talk about June or I could choose something I have always wanted to learn...

We'll have to see!

A heavy heart…

I have had a lot of good things happening in my life lately.  I am dating an amazing man… I am healthier than I have been my entire life, and I am (in general) happy with my life.

But today, I received some news which really made me sad… made me realize that we can’t give up on the things that make us happy or take anything for granted because we really don’t get to control how everything goes.

My Stepmom June was in town today for another Cancer checkup and even though I don’t completely understand the details, the prognosis is not good.  I haven’t been told of a timeframe but according to her and my dad, they are not going to treat the cancer any longer.  They are going to ride it out, make her as comfortable as possible and just try to make the best of things.

Wow.. what a shock..

Even though I knew deep down that this was not going to be an easy battle, I had not let myself deal with the possibility that she would stop fighting it… I can’t say I blame her… For what the treatments were doing to her, I can see not wanting to continue… but in my own selfish way, I wish she would just to see if something else might work.

Ultimately it is her decision but it takes me to a darker place when I think about my own mortality and I cannot even begin to imagine what she is thinking about… how she is dealing with it.

I feel so lucky and blessed with one aspect of my life and then so saddened by another.. it seems like nothing is all positive all the time and that makes me really sad.

All in all I just want her to be happy and I want she and my dad to spend a ton of time together.  I can only hope that they will make the absolute most of the next weeks/months/years?…

Anyway, I am off to my class and not feeling much like being happy and sociable so I wanted to vent to this blog a bit.  I can’t say it made me feel any better, but I am sure it doesn’t hurt.

So if any of you reading this feel inclined, please send some positive thoughts/prayers in June’s direction.. I know she would really appreciate it!

Thanks!

New and wonderful things…

I didn’t get around to blogging about my Toronto trip and I am not too upset about that.  The fact is, I have been busy!  Ok ok so I know that’s not new…  but this is different.  I am busy because I am dating this fantastic guy… someone I am feeling really lucky to know…  Someone I am feeling really lucky to be with!

In all honesty, I am terrified…  Terrified about how strongly I feel about this guy…  He makes me feel so fantastic and safe and comfortable and secure when I am around him… and that is the most terrifying feeling!! I feel that everything I have ever hoped for is coming true and it makes me wonder if that is really possible…?

For now, all I can do is let it happen, enjoy the ride and see where life takes me… and for the record, in writing… no matter what happens, I know I am following my instincts, following my heart and living my life in a way that makes me happy… and if that is a risk, I am willing to take it!

On a side note, I had the most fantastic Saturday… the most fantastic date! We drove out to Canmore together and went to the Iron Goat restaurant.  The sun was shining and it really couldn’t have been a more beautiful day.  The restaurant had great food and the view of the mountains was even better.  After lunch, we walked a bit in Canmore (a very little bit) but it was so nice just spending time together, browsing shops and having tea.  I think it was wonderful! My only regret from that day was that we only got a few photos… we took the long way home too which was nice (except for the dead horse on the side of the road).  Neil DJ’d the trip with his Ipod and I couldn’t have asked for a better day!

And with that, we’ll see where things go from here :)

Airport Observations and Travelling in General

As I sit here at the airport waiting to catch a flight home, I look around at all the other people here.. Wondering where they are going, where they came from and why they are travelling.

This time, I am travelling for fun.  Not so much for relaxation, but for a break from the day to day…

So while waiting, I decide to use the washroom and am immediately greeted by a machine that dispenses a variety of goodies depending on what you require.  What continually surprises me is that they dispense Condoms… Condoms!  Really?  Are people so sexually charged that it has become the “norm” to have sex on planes?  Or in the airport terminal?  Or.. perhaps the second they get off their flight, they really want to get off? ;P If that is the case, I have seriously been missing out on some action! I suppose it is possible that it could be “wishful thinking” that the vendors are counting on ;P In essence, at the airport you can buy everything you need for a hot date right in the airport bathroom… Gum, perfume, condoms & temporary tattoos… HOT! ;)  (On a side note, I saw condoms for sale in a dollar store the other day… who in the heck is willing to trust a dollar store condom?  I mean imagine the little box with the “Lucky” brand logo?)

I remember as a child being at the airport when relatives arrived from Germany.  It was such a different place then…  You could stand at a large window overlooking all of the planes.. it was so close I felt like I could reach out and touch the wings.  I remember the feeling of wonder and amazement.. these people travelling so far and so quickly, and being from a different country, it was as if they had come from another planet!

Well, now a days, I still see people at the airport that seem to have come from another planet… but not in an amazing and magical way…

I sit here hearing the beeping from people going through the security gates and suddenly the amazement and wonder that used to be associated with airports has become tedious and stressful and noisy.  I guess safety is important enough to me that I appreciate the precautions but I wish there was a way to make it more organic… Lucky for me, the trip tends to contain my wonder and amazement now.  Both the departure and arrival are exciting for me… On the way there, I look forward to the unknowns, the new things I will see and experience and the food.. oh the glorious food… ;P  On the way back, it is the excitement to get back to my own bed, my kitties, my family and friends, my boyfriend (who deserves a special mention).

Finally, I look forward to getting back to the day to day that makes life what it is… because in reality life isn’t about those side trips, and vacations.. those things are special because they aren’t a regular occurrence.  I have made a great day to day life for myself and I have filled it with people and animals and things that make me happy. So for me, the best part of the trip is having gone and enjoyed and then coming home to the day to day…

Anyway, that’s enough airport blogging for me :) Happy Tuesday!

Pia

Looking forward, and people that make me giggle!

I wanted to start this off with a happy note about my personal life!  I have finally found someone worthy of being called my boyfriend. 

I have told a good handful of people (well more than can actually fit in my hand!) What a dumb phrase! :P  The reaction varies depending on who they are and the place they have in my life. 

Those who have known me for years and have seen me change and grow, the people that have the most respect for me are so amazingly excited!  They are all 100% supportive…

Then there are certain people who have also been in my life a long time and have known me for NOT dating and especially not sharing guys that are in my life with them.. Those people don’t seem to believe me.. they seem to act like I have an imaginary boyfriend.. I guess waiting until I actually introduce them to him!

Lastly, there are the people who don’t know me as well, who don’t understand who I am.. they are the ones that I tend to avoid.. they make negative comments and seem more jealous than happy for me..

The fact is, I don’t really care what anyone else thinks.  Ultimately this whole thing is between me and him.. and no matter what, no matter what happens, no matter where things lead, no matter what the future holds, I will always know that I listened to my instincts, my brain, my heart and my intuition. 

For those who are supportive, encouraging and excited for me, I thank you and cherish having you in my life!

So now for the people that make me giggle… (All of these happened today!!!)

1) Talking to Michelle H. at work today and even though she knew I had no clue what she was about to ask me, she asked anyway and when I let out an apparently devilish laugh, she giggled and we shared a belly busting laugh! She was already half giggling before she asked the question… She may as well have asked me to recite the Arabic alphabet!!!

 

2) Stepping into the elevator and seeing Michelle D. OMG I nearly lost it when I saw her face.. let me tell you about Michelle D.  She is one of those people that I mentioned above that I absolutely cherish!  She knows about that special someone in my life and when I stepped into the elevator, she looked at me, grinned and even with a full elevator, we shared a giggle! Neither of us really had to say anything.. it just too a look and a smile and I nearly burst with the joy and laughter that was contained within me! She’s pretty excited for me ;P

 

3) On the way out of the office I stopped at the news stand.  I was picking up a large stack of magazines to take to my niece in the hospital.  As I was heading back to where Lauren was picking me up, I overhear a conversation between 3 “suits”…

Suit #1 - “Hey, are you a snowboarder or a skier?”

Suit #2 - “Both”

Suit #1 - “So you go both ways then?”

Suit #2 - “Yep”

Suit #1 & #3 – *Muffled Smirks!!! followed by boisterous laughter*

Poor guy didn’t see it coming.. and it was subtle but it was funny!

I actually giggled the whole way down to the car!!

 

4) My Nephew.. I saw him today and he has really grown up.. It seems that every time I see him, he learns something new… the thing that makes me giggle, is HIS giggle! Tickling him is so much fun!  He has the most adorable laugh and I am seeing him really becoming a little man!  I love him so much!!!

 

5) My stepmom.. I saw her today and I saw a side of her that I haven’t seen in a long time!  She was cracking subtle jokes and teasing me about my new beau… it was so funny to see her giggling after making jokes at my expense.. she is so funny and she really does bring out the best in my dad! She’s incredible and as much as I worry about her, I am amazed by her!

 

6) My new beau… text message… he knows what I am talking about.. that’s all I am going to say about that!  ;)

 

So that’s it for tonight… I just want to end this with another THANK YOU to all the people in my life who are so amazing, special, supportive, encouraging, positive and just down right AWESOME!  You know who you are!!! Love you all!

Pia!

Life lessons, fortunes and a secret blog??

I discovered today (as I was daydreaming about the things happening in my life right now) that it is about time I start writing down my private thoughts into a sort of diary or secret blog.  It will be as intermittent as this blog is, but will be a place I can jot down all of those feelings and hopes and dreams that I want to send out into the universe but that I want to keep for myself… for now.  Every girl needs a diary right? I feel like I am really fortunate lately and I have no issues sharing my life, but I figure some thoughts are mine alone but one day I will want to look back!!

Speaking of fortunes.. something interesting to report.. A week ago, Lauren and I had Chinese food for dinner.  I got a fortune cookie and my fortune was.. “Watch for a new relationship to develop within the month.” Today, someone left a bowl full of fortune cookies in the kitchen at work so I grabbed a few and I had the same fortune!! :) Not that I live my life according to fortune cookies, but it is a fun coincidence.

Oooh I almost forgot to mention.. today at work, I won a limerick contest!  Ok so I know I have been a poet for a long time, but it was cool because I actually didn’t expect to win!  I don’t normally write limericks!! I won the U2 Singles CD, an Irish pub song & Jig CD and the movie “The Commitments”.  Pretty cool!

I started a new class tonight.  “Speaking with Confidence!” What an amazing class with a really fantastic instructor and group of students.

I learned today that I have this inner voice spewing negative crap on a regular basis. I often hear the voice and ignore it when I should be listening for it and getting rid of it! That voice has been responsible for every ounce of self consciousness I have ever felt!

I think what made me learn about this and “get it” so quickly, was seeing all these other people say they had crippling fear of speaking publicly and then not even noticing their nerves when they actually spoke.  When I was speaking, I felt like my voice cracked, hands were shaking, face started to redden and I thought I was stammering.. but the feedback I got was telling me the opposite! 

Now, I am far from a perfect public speaker but this really illustrates how we completely sabotage ourselves!  Who says we can’t achieve all we dream about?? I learned that all an audience wants is what they came for..  so by letting our nerves get the best of us, we are only screwing things up for ourselves because not one person in the audience is thinking “oh this speaker sucks”, they are thinking “ok what’s this person have to say?”

Ok I know I am rambling!

Tomorrow, I have another looooooooong day ahead with another class but after this week my Wednesdays free up for a little while!

Also, on the subject of free time, I also managed to hand off all of my work for my second job/contract which won’t actually give me more free time, but will eliminate the guilt that was preventing me from taking advantage of and enjoying the free time I have!

Besides, I have some really good things on the horizon to potentially fill up my free time! :)

Ok that’s it for now ;)

Wow.. What a twist!

I have to say, the universe always keeps my life exciting! Granted, I often create or seek out my own excitement but sometimes, the universe steps in and tosses something in my direction that just makes me happy!

Saturday night, I had the best first date!  I am not going to detail it all because quite frankly, I am not going to kiss and tell.. but I can assure you that it was fantastic.  I will definitely never forget it and am so happy that there will indeed be a second!

There are so many weird rules I have heard in my lifetime about what to do/not to do on a first date and you know what, I think I broke more than half of them.. and I don’t care!  I think it all comes down to acting naturally and feeling the moment. Had it been with another person, I can almost guarantee that things would have gone differently. The fact is, if there is a connection, nothing can mess it up.  If it doesn’t work, it must not have been meant to be. I know I know, much easier to say than to experience.  Sorry.  I am typing from a really happy place right now :)

Of course I don’t want to get ahead of myself. I am taking it all one day at a time and I am giving myself permission to be as excited as I want to be and to just trust my instincts. In the end, if it doesn’t work out like I hope it will, I’ll never regret living in the moment and being myself. It is really all I can do!

I’m keeping this one short and sweet but I wanted to write about March 14th, 2009!

People and the things they do…

Every day that I am alive, people surprise and amaze me.  Unfortunately there are also people who disappoint me but lucky for you, this post is not about them!

I was reminded the other day by someone that I respect and admire, that we as human beings tend to put more effort and time into some friendships more than others. 

I think I do that very thing.  I put more effort into some relationships more than others. Whether it be family or friends, respect and reciprocity are two critical factors in a strong relationship.  I have to admire or respect my friends in some way and the effort I put in to our relationship has to be reciprocated.

Sometimes, this means that certain friendships are lost or people grow apart, but to quote a popular poem, we have friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my friendships lately.  Reevaluating the difference between a really quality friendship and a “convenient” friendship. I think I tend to keep “friends” in both categories but am sad when I realize that certain friends fall into the convenient category.. but when the friend fits into the quality category, I just feel so lucky.

I had a chat with a great friend last week.  A convenient friendship that has since evolved into quality.  Something I didn’t expect.  I also had a great chat with a close friend today.  I was reminded that even though we haven’t spent a lot of time together over the past few months due to her new relationship, we still have a bond that is really solid and a level of trust and respect that is amazing.

While at Second Cup with that friend, we were waiting for my drink and the two women behind the counter at Second cup kept saying “Pssssssssssssssssst” to get my attention.  When I finally turned around, they commented “By the way, you look Great!!!”.  I was so flattered and it really made my afternoon.  See?  People amaze me! I almost don’t know how to react anymore though.  Can it really get that much better?  Not that I think I am perfect, but how much more amazed can people be when they see me? The changes (at least to me) seem so minor now. 

Anyway, I am also amazed by a particular individual that I have been working with lately.  By the way, by amazed, I don’t mean in a good way.  This particular individual is married and as we all know, I am single.. and I am sure (I hope) he isn’t intentionally trying to make me uncomfortable but I have been on the receiving end of a whole lot of flirting lately.  Who knows, he could be innocently thinking he is being clever and funny etc.. but after making a comment about buying me lunch.. or dinner, I just think there is an invisible line that is being stepped over slightly.  (I have received a second opinion on this from a friend as well!)

The thing is, I would never ever ever even consider going for lunch or dinner with this guy. As a single woman, his behavior towards me has been borderline and quite frankly, even if he thinks it is innocent, going out for lunch (or dinner for that matter) with a married man isn’t a situation I want to be a part of. In a group, it isn’t the same thing but just one on one?  If the situation was different and I was the wife, I know how I would feel.. I would rather be single forever than be a home wrecker.  

Don’t get me wrong, this guy is very nice and charming and has never physically done anything to compromise the situation, but sometimes innuendo can be a really cloudy enigma. I just think being a single woman puts me in a situation where I have to be super careful how I take comments and flirting that I receive.  It is hard to hear the flirts and comments because I am actually desiring that sort of attention from men in my personal life and when it is offered in a situation where you’re not supposed to be receiving it, there is awkwardness!

On a side note, I have noticed a plethora of married men not wearing wedding rings.. Just reminds me that there is no way to know for sure so I have to assume they are all married! Men, Wear your rings!

Anyway… I think that people are fascinating.  I honestly should have gone into psychology because I am just so amazed at the human brain and would love to study why people do the things they do.  Maybe that’s what makes me so crazy in the dating scene… I am so wrapped up in why people tick that I overanalyze things and drive myself nuts!

Ooooh completely off topic, I almost forgot to mention… March 30th is supposed to be the Premiere episode of Glutton for Punishment on the Food Network. Some of you may remember that during Stampede last summer I watched Bob Blumer break the Guinness Book of World Records record for most pancakes made in an hour.. and being that I was there at the taping, I inevitably ended up being filmed and unless there is a lot of editing, I should be on the show!!! I am hoping to PVR it on my computer! I guess I have had more than 15 minutes of fame but I’ve been having fun :)

To sum all of this up, I really don’t have anything profound to say. I wish I could say something cool or clever that makes all of this become homogenous but really, it just is what it is. It may make me seem like a really messed up single woman and that would be mostly true, but is also just reiterates that people are unpredictable and nothing is ever truly known for sure.

People.. and some people’s kids.. Seriously?? Seriously!

I’m not quite sure where to begin.  I have been completely shocked by the behavior of people lately. I shouldn’t be surprised.. I have seen it all before.. but somehow I hope and wish that things would get better.. that people would evolve and that they would learn and grow and be normal.  But I think that may have been too much to ask.. too much to hope for!

For starters, I hid my profiles on 2 dating sites.  I was getting the most disturbing requests.  I know I have posted a couple encounters on here before but they have gotten worse.. not better! I just had to get away from that scene.  The other site I hid my profile on hasn’t been that bad but I’ve decided to stick to the one with the most normal people!! I am seriously tired of being disappointed in people’s behavior!

On the subject of normal.. what exactly is normal anyway? I co-hosted a party this past weekend and at the end of the night offered up leftover pizza and chips to the guests to take home.  I figured that they may as well enjoy it because it was left over.  My co-host and I paid for all the provisions and half of the total pizza cost out of pocket.  We also brought several things from home.  One guest helped himself to left over pizza, and then started filling baggies with chips.  Finally, he went into the fridge and helped himself to the last two cans of coke.  I explained 3 times… 3 times!!! that I was going to bring them home, that I would drink them and that they were mine to take.. (I paid for them after all) but he insisted and took them anyway.  Ok so I am dwelling on that one a bit but basically I was shocked that even after telling him no 3 times, he still felt it was perfectly ok to help himself.  We usually save the leftover cans of pop for the next party since we have them fairly frequently.  I was just so appalled! 

Today, I was walking towards the coffee shop in my building and I had to pass through a doorway.  A very nice gentleman held the door open for me but as I was about half way through, another man literally barged past me to the point where I had to back out of the doorway to get out of his way. He was completely insolent!

Of course I spent the next 5 minutes of my journey to coffee being greeted by multiple people wishing me a good morning by name.  Co-workers, Ralph from Second Cup etc.. That was nice and brought me back to my happy place :)

I am hoping that I am not just becoming really critical of the world and that my expectations aren’t outrageous.  I simply want to see people be better.. be more respectful, more patient, more honest, more sincere, more normal…  There’s that word again! I think normal is a fair expectation…

Princeton’s definition of normal is: conforming with or constituting a norm or standard or level or type or social norm; not abnormal

Merriam Webster defines normal as: of, relating to, or characterized by average intelligence or development : free from mental disorder : sane

Sane… there’s a word I usually don’t pair with “normal” but there it is..

I am working through my issues with the lack of normalcy that I am surrounded by.  People do tend to shock and surprise me.. not because what they do or say is new to me or something I haven’t experienced before, but because I have higher expectations of them.  I have hope that they will shock me for good reasons.. and deep down I want to be surrounded by really good quality people that I can be proud to stand next to.  People that share my values and morals.  I usually give the benefit of the doubt until proven wrong and really it doesn’t take much to gain my respect.. basic overall respectful “normal” common sense behavior… but it can all go away so quickly.. I can lose respect as quickly as it was earned when one of my core values is challenged.. and recovering from that, re-earning my respect is a much longer process..

Now don’t go jumping to any conclusions here.  I don’t claim to be completely normal myself.  I think I am fairly normal but I definitely deviate from the norm on occasion.. but luckily I am able to pull it back to the median long enough to make you all THINK I am normal ;)  Ok so anyone who knows me already saw right through that.. my life isn’t interesting enough to let me stray from normal for very long at all ;)

On second thought.. would collecting 71 corks and having them spilleth over from my purse during Winefest be considered normal?  Muahahahaha

Long story short.. I think people in general should be polite, respectful, aware of how their actions impact others (as perceptive as they can be) and really just be normal some of the time.  Deviating from normal for too long is a dangerous path which I can only assume is nearly impossible to escape from.. at least judging by the people I have been meeting recently.

Just not that into me??

I am having one heck of a month so far.. I’ve been on a great dinner date which ended up leading to nothing.. and I have been contacted by an insane number of men I am absolutely not interested in.

I have to say I am disappointed in my dinner date. We had a great time and afterwards he actually said he wanted to get to know me better.. and then I didn’t hear from him again.  I know he isn’t dead and I can guarantee you he knows how to get in touch with me.  Bottom line.. He wasn’t that into me!  Unfortunate but true. 

Speaking of “He’s Just not that Into you”, I saw that movie last week and I have to tell you, it was not that good.  If you’re in a solid relationship or married it is probably a hilarious movie but for the average single woman, it hits a little too close to home to be funny!

So I have been resorting to online dating.  Its a relatively easy way to meet guys without the bar scene.  Let me tell you, I have never before so badly wanted to resort back to the bar scene!  Online dating SUCKS!!! 

In the past few weeks I have been contacted by many men (mainly on Lavalife) who have expressed interest in me.  Now keeping in mind that i am 34… I have had several 25 year olds & 46-51 year olds contact me.  Half of them are too young and just looking for a “sugar mama” and the other half are divorced and looking for a playboy bunny.  Then there is the matter of the guys actually in my age range… here is how it all goes down…

Him: Hey, you looking for a good time?

Me: ?? Not looking for a fling!

Him: me neither. wanna call me?

Me: no, not a phone person. Would rather just meet for a coffee.

Him: (no answer for 5 mins)

Me: *poke*

Him: I would like to poke you but not in that way

Me: Action – Block User :P

!!!

And then there was…

Him: Hi

Me: Hi

(Insert random conversation here)

Me: If you want, we can meet for coffee

Him: Sure

Him: Wanna come over and cuddle?

Me: You don’t even know me!

Him: I know

Me: Action – Block user ;P

!!!

Seriously, I think I am being punked!  There is no way that one person can attract so many weirdos in such a short period of time and not have even ONE normal guy.  It definitely leaves me questioning whether or not I should even be trying to find someone..

I don’t think normal is too much to ask for.

So on another topic in this same category, I read that reading men's magazines can put you more in touch with male thought pattern..  So.. I went out and bought: Details, GQ and esquire.  Here is what I learned…

1) Men's magazines are FILLED with pictures of half naked men which was a pleasant surprise but also a little unnerving.

2) Men's magazines are FUNNY!  The sense of humor is different and far more gritty.. I like it.

3) Men are under a lot of pressure to get ripped/buff and the two page spread of boxer shorts is proof. I think men may actually be under MORE pressure than women when it comes to ads.

4) Men's magazines are slightly more delusional than women's magazines.  This one magazine actually made it seem like the average guy could “get with” Eva Mendez just by meeting some normal everyday criteria of hers.  *Note* No man reading that magazine has a chance with Eva Mendez.  Not because they didn’t meet the criteria and not for lack of trying.. but simply because she is a hot celebrity and she lives in a whole other universe.  Men really shouldn’t take it personally and they shouldn’t gauge their next relationship on what they missed out on with Eva.

5) Men's fashion isn’t as boring as I assumed it would be but it isn’t that exciting either.

6) Having two separate magazines with articles pertaining to blow-up dolls and how they are superior to a relationship with a real woman is probably why I am having my encounters on lavalife :(

7) All magazines feed a specific line of thought.  People in general will focus on the things that are surrounding them.. this is the whole reason magazines are so popular.. its practically brain washing. If that is actually the case, magazines could be an intellectual weapon!

I seriously need to chill out a bit with all this.. but I am planning on going speed dating at the end of the month.. It has been a year since the last attempt and I have changed a lot since then.  Also, I am sick and tired of internet dating.. let me have some face to face time with these guys!

Ok bed time..

February 4, 2009 – Single is as Single does…

I am sitting here at Higher Grounds in Kensington taking in a peppermint tea and a warm fireplace.  I sit here alone waiting for Lauren just enjoying the atmosphere.

I just got an email update about my niece and I have to say that she truly amazes me.  The more I hear about her ordeal and recovery, the more amazed I am!

Now on to the main reason for my blog...

So I sit here alone and ponder the world I am living in.  Mainly the single world where now more than ever, focus is being placed on being single.  So many songs on the radio about it and even worse than that, reality tv shows (and reality radio shows) try to hook people up with the idea that somehow amazingly, you can hook up two strangers and bada boom bada bing, they are in love and ready to be married.

I keep hearing all these radio ads about singles events for Valentines Day and it just bugs me.  How are single women not supposed to feel the pressure of being single when they are surrounded by the constant reminder that they are alone?

I was told the other day that single people who are actually looking for love emit some sort of invisible beacon which repels the opposite sex as if they had the absolute worst body odor.  It would explain a lot because I have been single for a long time and I have been "keeping an eye out" even if not actively looking for love and I am definitely not experiencing a mad rush of eligible suitors banging down my door. Quite frankly, as confident as I feel in myself and as happy my life is, I am seeing a terrible lack of attention from the opposite sex.  Well that isn't entirely true.  I seem to get a lot of attention from men "looking for sex" but not for anything with real meaning.  Go figure.

I decided to join a dating site hoping that something had changed over the past year since I last attempted the online dating jungle.. sadly nothing has changed but I remain optimistic that my Mr. Right will come and take over for my potential Mr. Right Now.  Yes, you see not only has my overall outlook on life changed, but so has my outlook on relationships.  I am over being hung up on finding "The One".. life is too short and I am getting tired of being so "proper" in my mind set. So right now I will happily enjoy Mr. Right Now

One thing that doesn't help is that I am also surrounded by single women in my life. All looking for "the one"..  All are my competition and all are my friends.  Its hard to not feel competition even though we are all technically different and looking for someone different.  Unfortunately we are all in the same boat.. we don't know who that perfect person is.. so we are all looking at a broad range of men which overlap with each others preferences.  It sucks! 

From my perspective, it seems like there are a million single women and not one single "eligible" man that is actually looking for a relationship VS. a fling.. My experience has found a ton of gay, married or otherwise taken men and not a lot else. I also seem to be getting plenty of attention from men well above my preferred age range.

Let me explain the age range thing because I don't want to alienate anyone because of age. As a matter of fact, I am not an ageist person.. but there is some truth to the fact that age and lifestyle tend to coincide.. I am 34 this year and I am hard pressed to find a man my age without a wife and kids.. or at the very least an engagement ring.. Likewise, all the men in their mid 40's (which is at the top end of my range) have had their kids, seen them through teen years and are seeing them move out of the house! I am still looking to have kids of my own!  It is hard to imagine finding someone in that age range looking to have babies now after their kids have already moved out.. so then I wonder if having kids is really meant to be.. for me..

So this brings me back to this invisible vibe I apparently emit... So basically what they (the proverbial "they") are saying is that I don't have a hope in hell as long as I am single because I will always have an eye open for the possibility and thus will always emit this  horrid beacon of desperation sending the opposite sex running and screaming? Oi. So perhaps having a "Mr. Right Now" will scramble that invisible beacon and open the force field for romance?

I would like to think that matters of the heart are a little less predictable than that, and perhaps there is still a chance that the right one is out there looking for me.  I can just imagine him sitting in a coffee bar somewhere on the other side of the city.. pondering the exact same thing.. or maybe he is on the other side of this coffee bar..  somewhere on the other side of the fireplace...

I have faith that what is meant to be, will be and in the meanwhile.. I will have as much fun as humanly possible!

If I have learned anything from my niece Jessica's story.. is that life is way too short to settle for less than you deserve... and at the very least why not have a ton of fun while you’re waiting?

My life.. the drama, and everything to come..

2009 sure has been eventful so far. I am not sure what to expect for the year but I know that it is going to be one hell of a challenge.

I think I have mentioned this before but I really feel like I am starting out fresh again with no experience in life. I am embarking on the process of accepting and dealing with the changes I have made in my life but because I am neurotic, I can't stop myself from diving into new things head first. I am sticking my fingers into tasks at work that I really don't have time for and my brain is starting to hurt. On top of it all I went ahead and accepted a new project with my "side job" which will put my main project behind. Ugh I am just messed up! I really do feel like an infant learning to walk again.. so many things to adjust to and so much going on in parallel. I want so badly to snap my fingers and have everything be as it should be, but we all know that's just the way it is in Disney films.

On top of all that there is still the never ending drama of my love life.. or lack there of.. I've had some recent encounters which have been flattering and confusing and have left me no better off than where I started. Actually that is somewhat of a lie. I think I have learned something.. I learned that it is really easy to get sucked into a bad situation with flattery but that my conscience was quick enough to stop me from getting in too deep.. so I am feeling good about that!

I did discover that I was putting on a bit of a facade about being "content" with my single life. In reality, it is on my mind when I go to bed at night and when I wake up in the morning.

No, I don't obsess over it and quite frankly the images in my brain are far from wedding bells and babies but there is this little thing in the back of my mind that is longing to find him.. whoever he is.. and it sits there like the devil on my shoulder whispering in my ear.. "You're single, you're alone, you won't be having sex tonight, no kisses... no nothing..." And no matter how happy I am with my career, my family, my accomplishments or my friends, I am still missing a vital piece of my yet unfinished puzzle.

I guess it all comes down to the fact that I will never ever be desperate enough to settle for less than I deserve and whoever I end up choosing will be perfect for me.. and me for him. I will be as patient as I need to be.. and I definitely won't settle. I joined Match.com but for some reason my profile isn't appearing in searches so I am frustrated. We'll see if that site has any potential over the next few months..

Anyway, long story short.. nothing has changed weight-wise, I am happy in general and I have good feelings about my dating prospects this year. I am hopeful! We'll see!

A new Year, time to get busy! -219 (247lbs)

I weighed myself this morning. 247lbs.. that’s a total loss to date of 219lbs! Only 14 lbs from having lost half of myself.

This past holiday season has been pretty stressful on me. I made some realizations, had a lot of work to do and didn't get much relaxation at all.

Christmas was nice. Nothing spectacular or remarkable. It was weird and unusual and not at all like I envision the ideal Christmas.. but then again, things in my life have changed..

So, on to my realization...

My whole world has been turned upside down over the past year and a half. I have lost nearly half of myself physically and I have had the opportunity to experience a whole new life. I can do things I never even realized I couldn't do because I never had the inclination to try. I feel different and often have a moment of shock or disbelief when I look in the mirror or put on clothing in a store .. especially when I got my 2 Reitmans XL sweaters.. not even plus sized!!!!!

For months now I have been just raring to go.. change change change.. bring on the change, lets go. No time to rest.. lets just keep the positive changes happening... Last year alone, I took acting classes, joined a choir, traveled to various locations in Canada 4 times! I got a second job, another contract doing documentation in my spare time (of which I had none in the first place). I joined a gym and got a personal trainer. I started a new job! Bought a whole lot of new clothes in rapidly decreasing sizes. I know there were other changes too but these ones stand out in my mind today.

On this day 1 year ago, I weighed 352lbs. That means, in the past year, I lost 105lbs!
That’s a lot of change and shift happening.

By about October I started to feel a bit depressed. I wasn't happy and I was feeling the pressure of all the new adventures I was trying to get myself into. I started to feel like I wasn't able to keep up with my own life and really felt like I had to stay in constant catch-up mode.

What I realized, is that my continual push for constant change, my desire to push forward at full speed, was my way of avoiding having to deal with the changes I had already made. Instead of coping with everything that had already happened, and instead of taking a minute to slow down and absorb my new life, I just kept wanting to experience the adrenaline rush of change...

So I am working on that.. trying to resist the urge to jump into something new for a while.. I have my second job to do, and I have some major catching up to do in my day job...

So even though I am still not 100% in my happy place, I am definitely working on it. I need to chill out, relax and just enjoy the life I have. I need to get back to a place I never got to even before surgery.. I need to get my house in order and start focusing on my future.

I don't regret the past year by any means though. As a matter of fact, I am proud of my accomplishments.

My friend Connie sent me a Christmas card from Hong Kong and she made one statement that made me get really emotional. She said something like, "You have done and accomplished so much in 2008, you really have lived the year to the fullest". That hit me hard because I had the constant feeling that I wasn't doing enough.. I think that’s when my epiphany hit me!

For this year though, I am going to focus on getting my groove back.. settling down a bit and even though I may still do some traveling, I am going to not worry so much about doing more stuff, new stuff or bigger stuff.. I will just focus on doing things better.

You know, life really is what you make it. It can be as stressful as you allow it to be.. it can mean more than you could ever imagine, or it can drift by you like you're in a coma... We are all allowed to live our lives however we want.. and I want to live it well.. so that no matter what happens.. no matter when my time on this earth is up.. I can say that I lived my life to the best of my ability.. and sometimes, that means slowing down.

Happy New Year and thanks for reading!