Messed up people, Adventure and a little dancing!

Well, it is Tuesday and already the end of April. I can not believe how fast this year is going.

I want to start things off by commenting on the horrible things people are capable of! I know this isn't the worst that people have done but I am still in disbelief that a man kidnapped his own daughter and held her captive in his own basement for 24 years and had 7 children with her!

How is something like that possible? How can a person get away with that?? It makes you wonder how many other "missing" people are being held captive right now. We also heard of the girl found recently who was held for 9 years. What the hell is wrong with people?

Makes me wonder if right to privacy should be trumped by the right to personal safety. I can imagine that might stir up a bit of a debate.

Anyway. On to better and brighter topics..

I bumped into my old Mount Royal Tech writing professor yesterday.. While walking to my car from work.. I just ran into him (not literally) on the street.

He said, "Hi Shannon" :P

I said "No, it's Pia" and suddenly he looked all confused.. Then I told him I wouldn't expect him to recognize me since I had lost 150lbs.

He asked what I was doing work wise and I told him.. He was really happy to hear I was working in my field lol.

Shannon.. Pfft!

I walked to my car from work yesterday and dispite the blisters (I need better socks and a new pair of good walking shoes) it was really nice.. the weather was great too which made things even more enjoyable! Even with the blisters, I may be walking to my car again today so that I can pick up a connector for my rain barrel at the Clean Calgary Store. It is about a year overdue lol.

I am excited about this weekend. I'll be going dancing Saturday night which I haven't done in years. As a matter of fact, I am smaller now than I was when I used to go dancing so I am pumped!

I also can't wait for the horseback riding trip which happens next Saturday May 10th. Lauren and I are also already planning our first hiking trip in May and we'll be planning camping for June/July too! I need to get my gardening hat on too so I can start planning what to plant.

I have some hyacinth bulbs which were supposed to be planted in the fall but I didn't get to it and now they are still looking healthy so I want to see about growing them.

I'm also looking to do a cleanse soon. Something to detox my liver! Nothing where I have to limit my food intake to broccoli everyday for a week or anything like that though.

I am expecting this Summer to be very adventurous.

Bring...

It...

On...!

Going solo... and -152!!!

I weighed in on Tuesday and was unofficially 314 which puts me down 152 lbs but today I did a pre-Friday weigh-in and ended up at 315 which isn't as good but still not bad.

I am excited too because Lauren and I went shopping this week for hiking backpacks and day hiking shoes. We can't wait to get out there when the weather warms up!

As for the subject line going "solo", I am testing my voice out at choir tonight for a solo part at the beginning of the song "Frobisher Bay". Its a beautiful song. I just hope my voice is up to it. It would sound amazing to sing the first line solo and then have the rest of the choir join me.. I can't wait to try it out.

The Lavalife guy emailed me last Friday with an update that his computer was fried, my # was on there which is why he didn't call and he forgot my email address which was why he was sending the update to my hotmail address. Yeesh. He summed up the email with the line "for all I know you could have sent mail telling me to screw off by now, wouldn't blame ya!"

I just don't get it.. The whole thing baffles me. To give him the benefit of the doubt (yet again), I called him and left him a voicemail with my phone number.. no excuses right? Well, he never called and so I am finally done!

Yeah I know most people think I gave him too many chances and waited too long and let myself get too involved..

Well that's my personality.. I am passionate about my life and if I am excited about someone or something, I let myself jump in feet first.. it's an aspect of my personality I am happy with actually.. because when I do meet the man that is perfect for me, I want to give him my full attention, my full affection and I want to be fully connected.. present in the moment. And I think that's a good thing.

Then again I naturally want "him" (whoever he is) to reciprocate and give me the same quality of attention I give him but I think that will happen naturally when the right one comes along anyway.

Someone suggested to me recently that 1) I am TOO focused on finding a man and 2) That my assertive personality could come across as intimidating..

I have decided that for #1, I am not going to apologize or make excuses for wanting a relationship.. it's a natural part of life and I think it is about time that I get to enjoy that aspect of life which has eluded me for all too long (both by choice and by circumstance). I also decided that even if it is true that my assertiveness is intimidating, I want to find someone who matches me and that person just won't be intimidated by me.. or if he is, he will overcome it. Besides, how would changing my personality help matters? I want to find the man that will love me unconditionally.. I like the fact that I achieve the goals I set.

I like knowing what I want/like in life.

Anyway.. So I will be going it solo for a little while longer. I am fairly confident that I will find him". I just need to remain open to whatever/whoever life tosses in my direction.. *Just please let him be at least 1/2 an inch taller than me lol!*

-148, horoscopes and challenging myself...

Well, it is official!

My plateau has lifted and I am back to losing! I am down 148lbs now. Ok so that's only 2 lbs lower than I was at Easter, but I was sure happy to see the scale drop again! I don't mind staying at the same weight for a while but I don't like to see the scale # go up!!

My horoscope in Metro today was interesting.

"The love of your life comes to mind. Keep a stiff upper lip when friends disappear. All obstacles will be overcome."

Eerily relevant to my current circumstances.. although almost all horoscopes can seem relevant if you try hard enough.

The "friends disappear" part could apply to the lavalife guy. The "love of my life".. well he's out there somewhere and he is always on my mind. And naturally I will overcome my obstacles.. it's only a matter of time..

I'm really excited about a new possible challenge I can give myself.. in July, my choir director is having an intensive Opera workshop.. 8 week day evenings (6-10pm) from July 2nd - 11th with a final concert on the 11th. The interesting part is that I have to do an audition on June 30th. I am excited and nervous and pumped!

I'm starting to realize that if I am faced with any opportunity and it makes me nervous, uncomfortable, uneasy or otherwise awkward, I have to do it.. its just gotta be done!

I'm excited about life in general though. I have a good feeling about meeting someone.. someone with potential in the relationship category.. don't ask me why.. don't ask what I mean by a "feeling". I can't explain it.. but I am excited for some reason and my instincts are telling me that I can expect good things to come soon!

I guess part of the whole "power of positive thinking - manifesting your dreams" thing is that you not only have to think positive thoughts and say positive things, you have to believe them in your heart! I can't count the number of times I have put on a positive "mask" for the world to see but felt utter doom in my heart. I think that is why I am so excited right now.. my heart is full and open and no negative thoughts take up any space in there this time around.

I had a couple amazing nights recently. Two nights ago I met with a very nice woman that is going to Brazil for surgery next month. She wanted to ask me questions about my experience and I was more than happy to share. We talked for 2 1/2 hours and I really enjoyed it.

Then, last night I went out for sushi (of course at Kinjo) with Lauren and a couple old friends. Its so nice to catch up and be around people that make me laugh and smile and just appreciate being alive! I had a great time and although it was slightly cut short so I could run to choir, it was so appreciated!

I've been craving people lately. (company, not cannibalism!) I don't know why but it seems like I feel so much more focused when I am around others.. my mind wanders too much when I am alone.. I blame my love life for that :P

Ugh! I am exhausted! I need some caffeine.

The cup spilleth over.. also -147 maybe?

Before the blog starts, I should share that I went on a wonderful 1 1/2 hour walk on Sunday AND I think my plateau is finally broken! I will confirm on Friday!

I cried last night. I know I know.. suck it up.. like jeez! :P

It was weird.. not a deep sobbing slobbery cry but it almost felt forced.. not fake, but like I had to force myself to unload some of the built up tension or something. I felt like I had to work so hard for each tear so the release of it was like squeezing a drop of oil from a green olive. In other words, it didn't give me much of a release at all..

Before you go thinking like I am a blubbering cry baby, you should know that I really don't cry that much.. I don't often see a purpose for it and lately, the only tears I shed are from either laughing too hard, or when I am overcome with joy (like watching my nephew Michael be born).

On the rare occasion where I do cry, it usually has something to do with being hurt by someone I care about deeply or knowing I unintentionally hurt someone I care about deeply where I caused them some tears...

These tears though, were different. Warm, but not salty.. and only a few from each eye.. but the muscle strain to get those few tears out was tremendous..

These, I think were tears of utter mental/emotional exhaustion and frustration. My brain & my heart are so loaded with thoughts and feelings and realizations and experiences and knowledge that I am overwhelmed...

Its one of those things I realize I have to deal with since this year afterall is my year of challenging myself.. this is the year where I have become a newbie again and I'm no longer the guru.. so with that, comes a certain amount of strain and pressure that builds and occasionally overflows..

I decided to take myself out of my comfort zone this year and I have sure done that!
I don't need to go into detail but I finally decided to give up on the Lavalife guy.. ironically my gut keeps telling me that I've made a mistake and gave up too soon but I'm just at a complete loss..

I think the universe has conspired and was successful at throwing everything possible between us to keep us from meeting.. and even though I was willing to climb over any obstacles thrown my way, I wasn't getting the feeling he was as willing to overcome his obstacles. If he was, he definitely didn't show me.. he said he wanted to meet, but he never did call me.. and sick or not, I expected something more..

I need a man my life that openly shows me that I am important to him.. I can't keep being the one to push forward.. I need him to pull me in..

Anyway.. the 28 yr old from New Brunswick I was talking to ended up purely wanting a sexual relationship over the telephone which is definitely not my style.. so he got blocked in a hurry..
..and so that leaves me where I am now..

I'm not worried though.. I know MY perfect man is out there somewhere.. I'm very positive about that.. and my mind (and heart) are wide open and waiting..

I came to a realization about having such an open mind/heart.. I am almost 100% guaranteed to get hurt.. but you know what? It is a risk I am willing to take. I am no longer afraid of getting hurt. If I am willing to step out of my comfortzone for personal development in my hobbies and career, I am definitely willing to step out of my comfort zone for love..

Bring... It... On!

Anyway.. this is as usual too much information.. but then again thats what I am all about.. share share share...

And these are the days of my life.. ;P

Extremes and the bridge between Venus and Mars - Plateaued at -142...

I've been driving myself crazy... partially delusional thoughts that it really doesn't bother me that I still haven't met that Lavalife guy who seems like a fantastic person but everything has come in the way of us meeting... interestingly enough, the intent is there, the mutual interest is there... but then again I am not completely dumb, I know that actions speak far louder than words and you'd think nothing would stop two people from coming together if its meant to be...

So that is one extreme... theoretically a great possibility but no intent or urgency to bring it to life..

And here is the other extreme... virtually no mutual knowledge or understanding, yet the urgency to bring it to life seems almost frantic... Here's the story..

I went back onto Lavalife to finally update my profile as I've begun to realize that I need to find someone who wants to go out of his way to meet me.. someone who. even if he CAN'T meet me, communicates with me and shows his interest in other ways..

So not even on there for 5 mins, I get an Instant Message... A 28 yr old guy who lives in New Brunswick but is planning on moving to Calgary within the next 3-4 months... for the record.. sounds like a great guy.. a little too good to be true....

Here's roughly how the conversation went:
(* Names have been changed to protect the innocent ;P)

Him: Hi
Me: Hi
Him: I'm Steve*, you?
Me: Sally*
Him: Nice to meet you
Me: U too
Him: You are very pretty
Me: Thanks :)
Me: You live in NB??
Him: Yes but I am moving to Alberta
Me: ahh...

...and so forth...

So the conversation went on for several minutes... we both admitted to being very bold and assertive.. we both claim to know what we want and do whatever it takes to get it..

He promptly asks what it would take to get me... I promptly respond with an astounded "You don't know me!!" He claims he is interested anyway based on my profile and attraction etc..

So we move the conversation to MSN and by this time I am already exhausted (it's after 1am MST)... He tells me his profession which is respectable.. he's a musician too which is a bonus.. but he's freakin on the other side of the country!!!

So I tell him flat out... that I cannot do a long distance relationship.. I can't allow myself to "fall" for someone that I can't touch on a daily basis if I wanted to.. He agrees but wants to continue with something... so I recommend friendship... He tells me he is extremely impatient and wouldn't want things to develop too slowly.. Seriously, if this guy was in Calgary right now, I would not hesitate meeting him to see where it could go.. he's direct and assertive enough for me, that is for sure..

I begin to think... is this karma's way of kicking me in the ass for my impatience with the other Lavalife guy??

So here I have one guy that is local and no matter how many times we discuss meeting and mutual interest, nothing comes of it... and there is this other guy who barely knows me yet so urgently wants to get to know me and see it develop.. but I would have to wait up to 4 months to be with him..

What the heck is going on with the universe??

I have begun to learn something about myself which is always a positive.. Here are a few highlights...

1) I like attention. Its a curse but I admit it...
2) I like assertive (not aggressive) men
3) I don't have a perfect age requirement but seem to find 6 yrs either way is a healthy number
4) I need physical contact.. flesh.. face to face.. it's human
5) My heart and my mind are way too open so I've begun to realize that I am going to have to deal with getting hurt if I want to find the right guy because I don't want my mind or heart to be closed..

And so it begins.. I need to hire a contractor to build me a bridge between Venus and Mars.. Even though I know my "karma" bank is loaded, I don't know if the universe accepts that kind of currency..

So there are my two extremes... local but inattentive... or attentive and distant...

Welcome to my life :P

7 years Smoke-Free

So yesterday, April 7th marked my 7 year anniversary since I quit smoking.

In order for you to truly understand the importance of this year, I will need to back up about hmm 33-12=...21 years.. I started smoking at 12 years old.. I was naive, I had no concept of the burden that smoking would place upon me in the years to come. I had no concept of the smell, the breathing troubles, the yellow fingers/teeth, the dependence and most of all, the feeling of utter helplessness that I felt every time I didn't have a cigarette in my hand. I won't even get into the many thousands of dollars I spent on cigarettes and smoking paraphernalia.

I admit, I used to LOVE smoking. The taste (I know, ugh!), the smell, the feeling of community when sitting in a smoking area and immediately having something in common with the person next to you.. the "smokers doors" in high school where all my good friends hung out.. There was even a "cool" factor with smoking...

And then I grew up and started to feel the burden.. the itch of having to wait for smoke breaks and the aggravating cravings, the shame of being late because I decided to chain smoke and cram 2 cigarettes in my smoke break where time would usually only accommodate one. The feeling of waking up in the morning with the first thing on my mind being "where are my smokes and lighter"… And of course, the eventual price increases and non-smoking initiatives which began to make smoking much more expensive and inconvenient.

But there came a time when all these factors (while still valid) paled in comparison to my single handed most inspiring motivation...

I started to research weight loss surgery in 2000. I had been completely immersed in the whole process... the health aspects, the risks, the benefits and most of all, the complications. My 100% initiative with having weight loss surgery was to become healthy. The weight loss itself was merely a side effect... The procedure was the tool...
It took no time at all for me to come to the conclusion that by remaining a smoker, I was a complete and total hypocrite.. If I wanted to be healthy, and if I wanted to have the surgery, my only option was to quit smoking. Smoking adds numerous risks and potential complications to any surgical procedure and I wasn't willing to make my journey any more risky than it was already. I wanted to live and I wanted to live a healthy life. I tried to quit smoking numerous times over the years... Nicorette gum, cold turkey, the patch, hypnotism etc... All worked for a time... Usually less than a week...

So in the fall of 2000, I made my first attempt to quit smoking using Zyban. It failed. I failed. It was depressing and I really started to think I was never going to quit... But then in the beginning of 2001, I decided to give it another shot... so I went on Zyban, chose a day to quit and went to it... I chose April 7th because it is my niece's birthday and I knew I would never forget it. I never wanted to forget it. And I haven't. It wasn't easy. The first day I went into lung convulsions... Every breath I took I felt like I was sucking in twice as much air as I had before and the breaths were so deep I almost felt like I would suck the world of its oxygen supply. My body would tremble like it sometimes does when I am outside in the cold and just shivering. The days to follow were similar. My body craving the nicotine, causing me to over-gesture with my arms when I spoke and I began chewing gum and drinking water like a madwoman... but after about 2 weeks, my body stopped fighting health and I started to realize I would be smoke free forever. Ok so admittedly I cheated twice and had one drag off a cigarette but each time that one drag only acted as a reminder of why I wasn't smoking anymore.

I dreamed about smoking a lot... nightly almost in the early years. Each time waking in a panic that I was a smoker again, berating myself for what I had done. I still dream about smoking occasionally. Nightmares, really. I'll never go back to it. I'll never put my body through that again... now that I know what it feels like to be smoke free, I can hardly understand how I lasted for so many years as a smoker.

Anyway, I just wanted to share the anniversary of one of my earlier successes... I am proud :)