Good Things...

I sit here at almost 2am exhausted and groggy after falling asleep on the couch for a few hours. I managed to wake up, eat, take my vitamins and as soon as I post this blog, I will head to bed.

Today was amazing. Lauren and I went to Pearce Estate Park and spent 2 hours walking around, taking some incredible photos and just soaking up the beauty of autumn.

The most incredible part was that I didn't get winded through the whole walk, and I was climbing into the dried creeks over large rocks and up/down hills and I was fine! I was able to do it all. No hesitation!

I have to admit, things have improved a lot in the last 68lbs!

Of course the excitement doesn't end there...

We went to Walmart today and I needed a shirt to supplement my halloween costume. I don't know what motivated me to look, because I have never fit into Walmart clothes.. but today I picked up a couple of shirts that looked like they might fit (i figured if they didn't fit now, they would one day anyway) and tonight I slipped both over my head without undoing the button and they fit! Ok so a little snug but they fit!!!

I am loving life!

398!

Well, I am not sure if making this as a goal had anything to do with it but today is 66 days since surgery and I had a goal to be down 66 lbs+ by today. That 66 lb loss would put me at 400 lbs.

Well I am thrilled.. no, ecstatic to report that as of this morning I am 398lbs. 68 lbs down in the last 66 days!

I had a feeling today would be the day.

This weight loss thing, even after having surgery is very emotionally and psychologically challenging. I am going to need to get used to changes happening but as far as I am concerned, I am thrilled that the changes are all happening to improve my health.

I was watching the news last night and there was a report about a woman named Cheryl Harvey. She was 400lbs in May and had the gastric bypass (RNY). And the day before yesterday, she died. The news was vague about how and why she died. They said it was due to complications but it is scary that they didn't elaborate. Even though I had a different procedure, am 20 years younger than her and haven't had the same complications, it would still be nice to know what happened. She died 5 months after her surgery. That is terrifying that people can still die from complications that long after surgery. It was spooky too. She was on the news like me.. her story aimed to inspire and inform. She too said that she felt the benefits far out weighed the risks. And she died. I have said those things and done those things and while I have absolutely no intention of dying before I am 98, it just proves that we are not able to control our final outcome.

And I have to say that no matter what does happen to me between now and my 98th birthday, I have no regrets. We can't live our lives afraid to take risks for fear of the consequence. Those risks are what grow us, evolve us, teach us. Those risks keep us moving forward.

Anyway, that was a really long winded way of saying... I AM 398 BAYBEEE!!!! 68lbs GONE FOREVER!

Pia

2 Months...

Today is exactly my 2 month surgiversary.

I sit here tired and a little run down, but so amazingly far more energetic than I was this time 2 months ago and even moreso than 3, 4, 5 or 6 months ago.

The fact is, I have lost an astounding 39 inches combined from my: neck, arms, chest, waist, hips, thighs and calves. My chest and hips are down 9 inches each!

I know the weight is coming off, even though my scale is still teetering over 400. I got on the scale this morning and for 1 second, the scale read 400 before displaying ERR which means that I am close to the 400lb mark! It is ridiculous how impatient I am! I had surgery 2 months ago. 60 days! And I am getting frustrated that my scale hasn't gone below 400. A number I haven't been under in this decade! I never thought I would lose 40 or 50 lbs in a year much less in 2 months, and yet I am waiting anxiously for the scale to finally concede to a loss of 67 lbs to get me to 399.

I went through my "before" pics and I know now for sure that my 466 top weight at surgery wasn't actually my highest weight. I have older pics that clearly show that I was much heavier before!

I will be taking some progress pics this week and hopefully there will be a noticable difference. I am still debating whether or not to do the progress pics in the same bathing suit I had my initial pics taken in! I am thinking.. no.

And so, as I wait for the magic number 399, I continue to learn how different foods affect me, what foods I love and hate, and of course the always exciting new discoveries of things I can do now that I couldn't do before.

For example, at work we have office chairs that have arms on them. Before surgery, I was only able to balance my butt on the edge because I couldn't get my hips and thighs between the arms. Last week I sat in the chair and took a deep breath and slid my butt to the back of the chair and I fit! Ok so it wasn't roomy, but I was actually able to sit at the back of the chair!!!

Aside from the weight loss itself, I am noticing another change. I am beginning to notice that more and more people are coming to me to discuss weight issues, vent about weight loss attempts and overall just looking for support.

Of course I don't mind this at all, but then I wonder if I am ready or prepared to be that person for those people. I mean, I know I am losing weight but I am not an expert on weight loss.

Then again, I wonder if that is even what those people are looking for. Perhaps they are only looking for an ear. Perhaps they are looking for someone with similar experiences to vent to, or perhaps they are actually looking for inspiration. Don't get me wrong, 24 years of yo-yo dieting and working through the various medical health programs makes a person a certain kind of expert. I just refuse to make claim that I am something I'm really not.

I don't claim to be anything other than me. I am just Pia. If I can help someone else by being blatantly honest and open about my experiences, I am all for it. I think knowledge is power and I hope that others can learn from my experiences. I love to share my story of my struggles and accomplishments and I really do hope that others can take something... anything from my story and apply it to their own situations, even if is the most insignificant detail.

But in the end, the only reality is that I am here on this planet in power of only one person.. myself. I can only control what I experience and as much as I open myself up, exposing my raw material, those who seek out my knowledge have to take it and run with it, learn from it..

I have done the things I needed to do to get on the road to a healthy place. I researched, I investigated, I asked questions, I took action and it all comes down to survival. I really like being here. I love living and want to experience everything. I am selfish really, thats why I went for surgery. I was tired of the limitations my body had on me and I wanted to take control of my life. Be able to live to the fullest, because you never know how long you have.

Balance...

I went out for sushi last night. My first post-surgery sushi experience. I was nervous about how my tastebuds would react but I am thrilled to say that sushi was not only a complete success, but I was able to eat a lot more than I expected and it all tasted AMAZING!

Ok so granted we went to Kinjo and they just have amazing sushi, but I was amazed at how sensitive my tastebuds are and how delicious everything was! The raw salmon sashimi was cut so thick and it was so buttery I crave it still!

On the flip side I went out today and I had sushi again at lunch. We went to Sumo. It was ok but by far not as impressive as Kinjo. The salmon was so thinly sliced you had to fold it in half to get a good texture. It did taste good and fresh though so thats ok. I overdid it a bit today with soy nuts, I had a dumpling at lunch which didn't sit well and then at dinner, I had a glass of raspberry slushy and it was so sweet that it made my body revolt and I wasn't able to eat my dinner. I was so disappointed but moreso, it made me feel so horrible that I passed out when I got home and was just feeling ill.

I switched my vitamins this weekend as well. I was taking liquid vitamins but the liquid tasted horrible, I dreaded my 2 daily doses and for the past 2 days I just skipped taking them altogether. I think they were upsetting my stomach. Sooo today I bought liquid gel caps which are HUGE but were a lot better than the liquid shooters I was taking every morning. Plus I can save time and money from washing all those shot glasses I was using to dose out my vitamins ;)

On another positive note, since I started taking all these vitamins, my fingernails have been growing like weeds!!! They are also really strong!

So this weekend also included another amazing thing.. I got a new SUV! I bought a 2007 Mitsubishi Outlander. I am so surprised at how perfectly everything came together. I knew it was meant to be when I got into the drivers seat and buckled the seatbelt without an extender. My sentra required an extender and I can't tell you how much more room I have in the SUV and I know that I will be shrinking and it will be getting better and better. I got an SUV because I am thinking practically 5+years out. I want to go hiking and camping and fishing and trips to Home Depot and Ikea knowing I can fit what I buy in my vehicle.

So this weekend has so far been pretty good. Both ups and downs but overall pretty darn good!

Misunderstandings..

I was asked my opinion the other day about whether or not I felt obesity was a mental disorder.

Thinking back to that day, the article in the Herald and that question, I am still baffled that the medical community can even repeat the phrase "Obesity is a Mental Disorder". It irritates me knowing that there are people in this world that see obesity as an individual condition that should be as simple to manage as brushing your teeth.

I can't imagine anyone would argue with me if I said that Obesity is a side effect of one or more conditions (i.e. genetics, habit, disease, immobility, obsession, depression... etc..). This isn't a new concept. Obesity is just a fancy word used to say "really really fat". In reality though, this is exactly what is wrong with the perception of our health and bodies in society now.

I remember, from one of my numerous diet/exercise regimens I tried over the years, that I was told "Don't set your goals to 'lose weight', you will fail every time. Set your goal to be healthy, eat well, live a healthy lifestyle. You will still lose weight, but it will be a side effect of your new healthy attitude."

At the time, I thought 'yeah whatever'. Probably because I was jaded for having to go through it at all, or maybe it was at the tail end of one of my weight loss attempts and I had already given up.. but it still sat there in the back of my brain all these years just waiting to resurface.. and so it has.

Obesity is a result of something. It is caused by something and it is that "something" that needs to be identified and treated.

Unfortunately, during the process of becoming and staying obese, a lot of other "somethings" come up and become priority.

You may not realize it but Diabetes is one of the hardest things to manage while you are trying to lose weight. It is hard enough to lose weight right? But now add on medications that cause weight gain, low blood sugar attacks forcing you to the refrigerator to grab any sweet item in sight and wolf it down without taking the time to chew. During one of my 'low' points, I prayed to God that I would get Diabetes so that I would be "forced" to do something about my weight. I was in a bizarre depression with guilt and regret and I was willing to sell my pancreas to the devil to lose the weight. And so it was. Only a year later I was Diabetic.

Those other issues associated with Obesity commonly referred to as co-morbidities can get really serious. Aside from the obvious possible heart problems, liver problems can creep up, joint problems, skin problems and even memory loss. So we go to a liver specialist and take pills, go to physiotherapy and aquasize to manage the joint pain, buy expensive medicated lotions and scan infomercials for that one guy with the amazing ability to remember every name of every person he meets. I am sure his book and dvd were in the range of 99.99 in 3 equal installments. That should fix the memory issues....

That is treating Obesity. It is treating all the effects of "somethings" that creep up as a result of the excessive weight gain. Yet the root cause never gets discovered.

We float in our little inflated dingy, with a treasure chest of root causes at the bottom of our ocean, riding the waves hoping our problems wash up on shore.. but they never do.

People who aren't obese also have these hidden problems waiting to be uncovered but for whatever reason don't end up gaining weight. As a result they don't end up obese. Lucky for them I guess, unless they have other side effects - which they probably do.

All of this really just makes me realize more and more how critical it was that I have surgery. I have spent years looking for my root causes. Sure I had to work on treating the "somethings" along the way but I also tried to dig deep to find my cause. It wasn't until my "somethings" became their own threat with Diabetes and Hypothyroidism that I realized it was time to do something else.

With surgery I have taken an approach which directly impacts my root causes. Basic anatomy. Food goes in, pounds go on. So now, little food goes in, even less food absorbed and weight pours off. I may have some treasure chests at the bottom of my ocean still waiting to be discovered but rather than wait for that day, I have circumvented their impact on my health.

I hope that society stops treating Obese people like criminals and starts treating us/them like humans. We don't need labels or excuses, we don't need to be called failures and we certainly don't need to be called mentally ill. We just need someone who actually knows a damn thing or two about obesity that can help!

Maybe thats why surgery was so appealing. So far, the BPD-DS is the only tool that has proven effective for the long term in more than 99.9% of patients I have talked to.

Seriously, if I see "results not typical" on one more weight loss program, diet supplement or home gym infomercial, I may just go postal!

We're long past the day of "I'll believe whatever you tell me if you put a pretty shiny bow on it" we've moved into the "if you're going to talk the talk, you better walk the walk - Prove it!" era. And with that, I wish the medical community lots of luck!

In the mean time, I will remain open but cautious minded and I will continue to shed the pounds. For the first time I don't have anxiety that I will fail. Well, I do have anxiety that the surgery will fail, but almost every patient wonders if they will be the one that fails. That is what a lifetime of yo-yo diets and revolving door medically supported weight loss plans will do to a person.

When I am eventually at my normal weight, I will look back on these moments and wonder how I was able to be obese so long. I know I will be overwhelmed not knowing how I could possibly have endured 14 years of adult life in a body over 350lbs. And when that moment does arrive, I will hold compassion in my heart for those that will be buying my plus sized consignment clothes and offer my experience and wisdom to any who are thinking of surgery as an option... a tool, not a cure.

Little things..

I was grocery shopping in Safeway today.

I was recently asked about what it feels like to live life obese and in my answer, recalled some encounters with adults and being teased about my weight. But at that moment I forgot about the numerous encounters I have had with children.

I've been asked before if I was pregnant, I have been asked blatantly why I was so fat and today, a little girl commented to her mother that I have a really big tummy.

I shouldn't get upset with children when they make comments like these. In reality, they are being observant and just saying what is on their minds.

I smiled at her with honest sincere friendliness and as she passed, all I heard were those words.. "Mommy, she has a really big tummy".

Anyway.. back to real life stuff.

I am still not enjoying eating at all and I am still not under 400lbs. It is frustrating to have an expectation set that I could lose 30 lbs in 16 days and then wait another month and not lose 36 more. But then I sit back and think about it.. 30 lbs in 16 days is ridiculously fast! I am expecting to lose up to 200lbs in the next year. If I lose 30 lbs every 16 days I won't exist in a year.

So I am trying to see it all in a realistic light and realize that if I plan to lose 200lbs in a year, minus 30 which I lost in the first 16 days, I should average 4 lbs a week which is really only double the medically recommended amount. Not as drastic as it seems when you say 200lbs in a year. Seems impossible.

Thats another thing I am trying to get over. The impossible becoming possible. I still haven't seen enough change to really believe the weight is coming off as it should. Even though I am eating a fraction of the food I ate pre-op, I eat so often that I feel like I am eating a lot. Purely psychological.

I see pictures of other patients at a year post-op and see a night and day image. A new person barely recognizable as the "before" pic. And still, until it happens to me it will remain a dream.

I know I am starting to feel much much more normal now because I have started piling on the home improvement projects. I have the energy and motivation to tackle the house again which went away the last few months before surgery. I think I was feeling much more stress than I would allow myself to admit.

I was asked if I was nervous before surgery and in all honesty, I wasn't. I was ready, at peace with it all and the only stress I was feeling was related to the actual plane ride there and back.

Looking back though, I see that my stress was there. Maybe not concern about the procedure but about the gravity of the change I was about to undertake. I see it in the weight I gained pre-op, I see it in my dropped motivation and energy, I see it in my schooling being put aside, and I see it in the number of distractions I forced upon myself. Shopping was a bad one :P

I carry my tension in my shoulders and now that the adrenaline has settled, my life has begun to pulse at a normal rate and things are feeling more comfortable, all that tension has surfaced.. I can't wait till I can lay on my stomach and get a massage!

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before but I also have to wear a binder. Every minute of every day for 3 months after surgery. A velcro fastened, white elastic girdle - sort of. It feels comforting for all of 30 seconds after putting on a freshly washed one.. until it slides down and settles into the cozy areas not currently occupied by love handles.

I have so many things to be excited about though. I am so looking forward to trying Tai Chi or Pilates. I don't want to get into running and in all honesty with the weight loss, I don't know how badly I will be wanting to get into a bathing suit and going swimming but I could see myself in a cute workout outfit getting my chi centered!

Oh and for the record, I am loving my new hair! It is so much easier to manage than my old straight hair!

Anyway, as usual I appreciate your interest in my story. Thanks for stopping by!