2009 sure has been eventful so far. I am not sure what to expect for the year but I know that it is going to be one hell of a challenge.
I think I have mentioned this before but I really feel like I am starting out fresh again with no experience in life. I am embarking on the process of accepting and dealing with the changes I have made in my life but because I am neurotic, I can't stop myself from diving into new things head first. I am sticking my fingers into tasks at work that I really don't have time for and my brain is starting to hurt. On top of it all I went ahead and accepted a new project with my "side job" which will put my main project behind. Ugh I am just messed up! I really do feel like an infant learning to walk again.. so many things to adjust to and so much going on in parallel. I want so badly to snap my fingers and have everything be as it should be, but we all know that's just the way it is in Disney films.
On top of all that there is still the never ending drama of my love life.. or lack there of.. I've had some recent encounters which have been flattering and confusing and have left me no better off than where I started. Actually that is somewhat of a lie. I think I have learned something.. I learned that it is really easy to get sucked into a bad situation with flattery but that my conscience was quick enough to stop me from getting in too deep.. so I am feeling good about that!
I did discover that I was putting on a bit of a facade about being "content" with my single life. In reality, it is on my mind when I go to bed at night and when I wake up in the morning.
No, I don't obsess over it and quite frankly the images in my brain are far from wedding bells and babies but there is this little thing in the back of my mind that is longing to find him.. whoever he is.. and it sits there like the devil on my shoulder whispering in my ear.. "You're single, you're alone, you won't be having sex tonight, no kisses... no nothing..." And no matter how happy I am with my career, my family, my accomplishments or my friends, I am still missing a vital piece of my yet unfinished puzzle.
I guess it all comes down to the fact that I will never ever be desperate enough to settle for less than I deserve and whoever I end up choosing will be perfect for me.. and me for him. I will be as patient as I need to be.. and I definitely won't settle. I joined Match.com but for some reason my profile isn't appearing in searches so I am frustrated. We'll see if that site has any potential over the next few months..
Anyway, long story short.. nothing has changed weight-wise, I am happy in general and I have good feelings about my dating prospects this year. I am hopeful! We'll see!
Monday, January 26, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
A new Year, time to get busy! -219 (247lbs)
I weighed myself this morning. 247lbs.. that’s a total loss to date of 219lbs! Only 14 lbs from having lost half of myself.
This past holiday season has been pretty stressful on me. I made some realizations, had a lot of work to do and didn't get much relaxation at all.
Christmas was nice. Nothing spectacular or remarkable. It was weird and unusual and not at all like I envision the ideal Christmas.. but then again, things in my life have changed..
So, on to my realization...
My whole world has been turned upside down over the past year and a half. I have lost nearly half of myself physically and I have had the opportunity to experience a whole new life. I can do things I never even realized I couldn't do because I never had the inclination to try. I feel different and often have a moment of shock or disbelief when I look in the mirror or put on clothing in a store .. especially when I got my 2 Reitmans XL sweaters.. not even plus sized!!!!!
For months now I have been just raring to go.. change change change.. bring on the change, lets go. No time to rest.. lets just keep the positive changes happening... Last year alone, I took acting classes, joined a choir, traveled to various locations in Canada 4 times! I got a second job, another contract doing documentation in my spare time (of which I had none in the first place). I joined a gym and got a personal trainer. I started a new job! Bought a whole lot of new clothes in rapidly decreasing sizes. I know there were other changes too but these ones stand out in my mind today.
On this day 1 year ago, I weighed 352lbs. That means, in the past year, I lost 105lbs!
That’s a lot of change and shift happening.
By about October I started to feel a bit depressed. I wasn't happy and I was feeling the pressure of all the new adventures I was trying to get myself into. I started to feel like I wasn't able to keep up with my own life and really felt like I had to stay in constant catch-up mode.
What I realized, is that my continual push for constant change, my desire to push forward at full speed, was my way of avoiding having to deal with the changes I had already made. Instead of coping with everything that had already happened, and instead of taking a minute to slow down and absorb my new life, I just kept wanting to experience the adrenaline rush of change...
So I am working on that.. trying to resist the urge to jump into something new for a while.. I have my second job to do, and I have some major catching up to do in my day job...
So even though I am still not 100% in my happy place, I am definitely working on it. I need to chill out, relax and just enjoy the life I have. I need to get back to a place I never got to even before surgery.. I need to get my house in order and start focusing on my future.
I don't regret the past year by any means though. As a matter of fact, I am proud of my accomplishments.
My friend Connie sent me a Christmas card from Hong Kong and she made one statement that made me get really emotional. She said something like, "You have done and accomplished so much in 2008, you really have lived the year to the fullest". That hit me hard because I had the constant feeling that I wasn't doing enough.. I think that’s when my epiphany hit me!
For this year though, I am going to focus on getting my groove back.. settling down a bit and even though I may still do some traveling, I am going to not worry so much about doing more stuff, new stuff or bigger stuff.. I will just focus on doing things better.
You know, life really is what you make it. It can be as stressful as you allow it to be.. it can mean more than you could ever imagine, or it can drift by you like you're in a coma... We are all allowed to live our lives however we want.. and I want to live it well.. so that no matter what happens.. no matter when my time on this earth is up.. I can say that I lived my life to the best of my ability.. and sometimes, that means slowing down.
Happy New Year and thanks for reading!
This past holiday season has been pretty stressful on me. I made some realizations, had a lot of work to do and didn't get much relaxation at all.
Christmas was nice. Nothing spectacular or remarkable. It was weird and unusual and not at all like I envision the ideal Christmas.. but then again, things in my life have changed..
So, on to my realization...
My whole world has been turned upside down over the past year and a half. I have lost nearly half of myself physically and I have had the opportunity to experience a whole new life. I can do things I never even realized I couldn't do because I never had the inclination to try. I feel different and often have a moment of shock or disbelief when I look in the mirror or put on clothing in a store .. especially when I got my 2 Reitmans XL sweaters.. not even plus sized!!!!!
For months now I have been just raring to go.. change change change.. bring on the change, lets go. No time to rest.. lets just keep the positive changes happening... Last year alone, I took acting classes, joined a choir, traveled to various locations in Canada 4 times! I got a second job, another contract doing documentation in my spare time (of which I had none in the first place). I joined a gym and got a personal trainer. I started a new job! Bought a whole lot of new clothes in rapidly decreasing sizes. I know there were other changes too but these ones stand out in my mind today.
On this day 1 year ago, I weighed 352lbs. That means, in the past year, I lost 105lbs!
That’s a lot of change and shift happening.
By about October I started to feel a bit depressed. I wasn't happy and I was feeling the pressure of all the new adventures I was trying to get myself into. I started to feel like I wasn't able to keep up with my own life and really felt like I had to stay in constant catch-up mode.
What I realized, is that my continual push for constant change, my desire to push forward at full speed, was my way of avoiding having to deal with the changes I had already made. Instead of coping with everything that had already happened, and instead of taking a minute to slow down and absorb my new life, I just kept wanting to experience the adrenaline rush of change...
So I am working on that.. trying to resist the urge to jump into something new for a while.. I have my second job to do, and I have some major catching up to do in my day job...
So even though I am still not 100% in my happy place, I am definitely working on it. I need to chill out, relax and just enjoy the life I have. I need to get back to a place I never got to even before surgery.. I need to get my house in order and start focusing on my future.
I don't regret the past year by any means though. As a matter of fact, I am proud of my accomplishments.
My friend Connie sent me a Christmas card from Hong Kong and she made one statement that made me get really emotional. She said something like, "You have done and accomplished so much in 2008, you really have lived the year to the fullest". That hit me hard because I had the constant feeling that I wasn't doing enough.. I think that’s when my epiphany hit me!
For this year though, I am going to focus on getting my groove back.. settling down a bit and even though I may still do some traveling, I am going to not worry so much about doing more stuff, new stuff or bigger stuff.. I will just focus on doing things better.
You know, life really is what you make it. It can be as stressful as you allow it to be.. it can mean more than you could ever imagine, or it can drift by you like you're in a coma... We are all allowed to live our lives however we want.. and I want to live it well.. so that no matter what happens.. no matter when my time on this earth is up.. I can say that I lived my life to the best of my ability.. and sometimes, that means slowing down.
Happy New Year and thanks for reading!
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