I had a lunch and learn session at work today at lunch and it really hit me hard. It bummed me right out.
The workshop was about Christmas and Stress.
I got so bummed out because I realized that Christmas has absolutely ZERO meaning for me right now. I sat there in the presentation listening to people talk about their plans.. baking, travelling out of province, spending time with family, shopping etc.. and it occurred to me. My Christmas is pretty much bare naked.
Growing up, we had a ton of traditions. We occasionally travelled to some family member's house for Christmas or we would have Christmas at home. We would have our traditional hot meal on Dec 24th and then the Danish traditional Smorg on Dec 25th? I can't even remember what day we did what anymore. We would have gift opening and church on Dec 24th in the evening and then stockings on the morning of the 25th. We would always have the tree decorated by Dec 1st and the whole house would be decked out until at least the first week of January.
Admittedly, when my mom and dad split up, things changed but we still kept the traditions. Even though we didn't always do exactly the same thing.. once we went to Banff and stayed in a chalet etc.. but we always had our traditions. We never had a lot. We were on social assistance for many years and I remember getting our holiday turkey from the food bank one year.. but we always had the important things...We always had the basics. Family, food, Spirit, thoughtful gifts, Decorations etc..
So what changed?
Many years ago, my sister Debbie stopped spending Dec 24th with the family and started spending it with her Danish in-laws. Her choice of course, but that changed the dynamic for us. In order to have any time with her at the holidays, we shifted our traditions around so that she wouldn't be having 2 Danish Smorg meals in a row. So Dec 24th became a bit of a chore because we would have our Danish smorg but with fewer people it was more work than it was worth it seemed. We tried to keep it going but it wasn't the same.
At the time we rarely spent any of the holidays with my dad. We more often than not spent his Birthday on Dec 27th with him but not the actual Christmas holidays. I can't even begin to imagine how his holidays shifted when my parents split up. Because the majority of our traditions were Danish focused, it was hard for us to make the choice to go to spend Christmas with him. As kids, we didn't understand how all that worked.
When my mom moved to BC, things really changed because suddenly all of the traditions were gone. We started spending the holidays with my dad and step mom more often but we hadn't created any traditions together.
In addition to the actual events at Christmas, the actual spirit of the season has lost meaning for me. I don't consider myself "Christian" anymore. I have chosen to lead a very spiritual life without any religious affiliation, which I was reminded today meant that I can't technically celebrate "Christmas". I obviously grew out of believing in Santa Claus and I don't celebrate the retail side of the season. As a matter of fact, I don't exchange gifts with my mom or grandpa anymore, and the remaining adults (6 of us) exchange names with a $50 limit so in essence, I am buying gifts for 2 people. One adult and of course my nephew who will undoubtedly get really spoiled every year.
So because my gift purchases are limited, I took like 6 items off the tree at work for the "Adopt-a-family" program and went shopping. I ended up spending like $200 on this family but it really felt good to know I was getting gifts for a family that otherwise wouldn't have had those things. Almost like giving back for the years we were on social assistance...
So what in the hell is Christmas to me now? I wish I knew.
Now I have to admit, I feel stress this year. I am worried about my step mom and things are up in the air still about how exactly we will even celebrate this year and I suppose I am lucky that I don't have any traditions that restrict me from being flexible. We may not know right up until the day before Christmas if we even get to spend the holiday with my dad and step mom this year.. all depending on her health.. I am perfectly ok with that because this year, it is about them. They have more crap to deal with than I do.
I also know full well that this "tradition breakdown" happened not just to me, but to my family as well and they may not be missing it as much as I am, but there must have been an adjustment period where they were wishing things hadn't changed too.
I guess what has me bummed out more than anything is that I am sitting here at 33 years old and Christmas is a big old piece of white paper in my mind. There is no image on it of kids tobogganing. There is no holiday meal or anything on my Christmas page. It is just pure white. If I had my own family, I could get out my markers and start painting my own new Christmas traditions and I am still trying to do that now, but its not that easy.. there is a lot I can't plan right now. Especially this year. This is not the year to set new traditions. So this year is blank.
So what Am I going to do?
Well I am putting up a tree! I love putting up a tree. For me, Christmas may as well be TreeMas because for me it is all about the tree. I actually am not a fan of real pine trees (I wouldn't want to have one in my yard but I love them in forest form). But I absolutely love my decorated Christmas tree. This is the one place that all those traditions and memories are. Ornaments collected year after year. That's where it all is for me. I have ornaments from my childhood. From my grandparents. And every year we exchange ornaments between Lauren, Debbie, my mom and I. So if there is one thing I can hang on to, it is the memories in that tree. The tree itself may be new but it is just the placeholder for all those hanging traditions and memories.
That's all. I am going to decorate a bit at work but aside from the tree, we're not decorating much else at home.
I am looking forward to New Years though. Lauren and I are going to Banff with 4 friends to ring in the New Year. We will celebrate Dec 31st at the Grizzly House and I think being in the mountains with good friends and the atmosphere of the one place that reminds me of Christmas all year long, will bring me back to my happy Christmas Place.
So after careful consideration of all of the above, I think I am going to stick to calling Christmas "Jul" which is the Danish name for the holiday. Jul means something to me and as much as I miss the Christmas of yesteryear, I am looking forward to new traditions with new friends and hopefully some day, a family of my own.
God Jul (Merry Christmas) everyone!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
New Kids, recovery and the holidays...
I relived my teen years this past week. I went to the New Kids on the Block concert here in Calgary and I loved it. Dare I say it was actually better than their concert back in the day?!
Debbie and I had pretty average seats that I won on the radio (yes I am grateful!) but after the opening acts, security told us all to move down and fill the seats in below so our seats got better by the time New Kids were on stage. Like a good little girl, I left my camera in my car instead of taking pictures and video like 95% of the population at the concert. It was disappointing because I wanted pictures too!!! lol. I couldn't believe the number of cell phones recording video.. lol it was bizarre.
Anyway, the concert was great and I had a lot of fun dancing and singing along to all those songs that I honestly thought had escaped my brain. Just goes to show you that things can be stored away in little nooks and crannies in the brain and just need a little bit of 90's boy band charm to get released ;)
On Thursday I went to Peter Lougheed Hospital for minor surgery. Long story short, I had a lump removed from my hip.. nothing serious at all.. but the sucky thing was, I was awake through the whole procedure.
When I booked the appointment, I was told the surgery would take 30-45 minutes. I think what really made me miserable through the experience is that I was freezing cold throughout the ordeal, being awake through the procedure meant that I had to inform them when I could feel pain and they had to give more freezing, the jolt of electric shock when they would cauterize blood vessels and then laying there for 1 1/2 hours!!! Yes.. 1 1/2 hours laying on a 2 foot wide metal table on my side. By the end of the procedure I almost jumped off the table and told them to take a hike because my back and legs were so stiff from the position I had to lay in! The bedside manner in Brazil was a billion times better than here.. surprise surprise...
In general the surgery was considered minor but the surgeon admitted that anything more than what I had done wouldn't be done under local anaesthetic. In retrospect, even though I survived the whole thing and am recovering well, I don't know if I would choose to go through anything like that again. Call me a wimp but there are some things that should be left to the unknown...
All in all I am glad to have that out of the way before holiday festivities begin. The next few weeks are going to be fairly crazy.
I have some things to work out with the new project I am on for my night job so that will keep me busy, plus I am working on plans for the wine and cheese party on Dec 5th. I am excited about that but hope people who are coming to the party let me know what they are bringing soon so that I can prepare. I made some nice wine charms to auction off as well. Hoping for a good turnout and great support so that I can pass along a lot of help to my step mom.
The day after the wine and cheese party, I am flying to Vancouver. My company is flying me out for business so I am going out a couple days early to visit my mom. I am happy to be able to see my mom before Christmas. I feel very lucky to be able to go for sure! I fly out on the Saturday and return on the Wednesday which is good because I will need the Thursday to get some work done since Friday the 12th is the employee celebration.
Then of course the 13th I am going to 2 Christmas parties! I am lucky there too because I have a friend coming with me as "arm candy" for my company party and then we'll crash Debbie and Lauren's Christmas party afterwards. I have to admit, it was a bit unsure about asking someone to be my "date" for the company party. I don't want him reading anything into it.. I just want to have a relaxed good time and I think we will look good together in the process :) Besides, it will be nice to go to a party with a guy for a change.
Christmas is still up in the air. It all depends on how June is feeling which is ok with me. I am open to whatever happens and I am flexible enough to do whatever it takes to make the most of Christmas this year. So far it seems like Lauren and I will be spending Christmas in Lethbridge with my Dad and June and Debbie will come down for Dad's birthday. As far as I am concerned, as long as June is happy and healthy, I am fine with whatever they decide.
New Years will be exciting.. we're celebrating the end of 2008 and beginning of 2009 in Banff this year with 4 good friends. I have new snow tires too which means I will be a lot more at ease heading into the mountains in the snow! Anyone who knows the tires they put on the Mitsubishi Outlander will understand why I am thankful to have winter tires lol!
I have good feelings about 2009. I think it will bring about much positive change and I am ready to face it head on. Bring.. it.. on!
Debbie and I had pretty average seats that I won on the radio (yes I am grateful!) but after the opening acts, security told us all to move down and fill the seats in below so our seats got better by the time New Kids were on stage. Like a good little girl, I left my camera in my car instead of taking pictures and video like 95% of the population at the concert. It was disappointing because I wanted pictures too!!! lol. I couldn't believe the number of cell phones recording video.. lol it was bizarre.
Anyway, the concert was great and I had a lot of fun dancing and singing along to all those songs that I honestly thought had escaped my brain. Just goes to show you that things can be stored away in little nooks and crannies in the brain and just need a little bit of 90's boy band charm to get released ;)
On Thursday I went to Peter Lougheed Hospital for minor surgery. Long story short, I had a lump removed from my hip.. nothing serious at all.. but the sucky thing was, I was awake through the whole procedure.
When I booked the appointment, I was told the surgery would take 30-45 minutes. I think what really made me miserable through the experience is that I was freezing cold throughout the ordeal, being awake through the procedure meant that I had to inform them when I could feel pain and they had to give more freezing, the jolt of electric shock when they would cauterize blood vessels and then laying there for 1 1/2 hours!!! Yes.. 1 1/2 hours laying on a 2 foot wide metal table on my side. By the end of the procedure I almost jumped off the table and told them to take a hike because my back and legs were so stiff from the position I had to lay in! The bedside manner in Brazil was a billion times better than here.. surprise surprise...
In general the surgery was considered minor but the surgeon admitted that anything more than what I had done wouldn't be done under local anaesthetic. In retrospect, even though I survived the whole thing and am recovering well, I don't know if I would choose to go through anything like that again. Call me a wimp but there are some things that should be left to the unknown...
All in all I am glad to have that out of the way before holiday festivities begin. The next few weeks are going to be fairly crazy.
I have some things to work out with the new project I am on for my night job so that will keep me busy, plus I am working on plans for the wine and cheese party on Dec 5th. I am excited about that but hope people who are coming to the party let me know what they are bringing soon so that I can prepare. I made some nice wine charms to auction off as well. Hoping for a good turnout and great support so that I can pass along a lot of help to my step mom.
The day after the wine and cheese party, I am flying to Vancouver. My company is flying me out for business so I am going out a couple days early to visit my mom. I am happy to be able to see my mom before Christmas. I feel very lucky to be able to go for sure! I fly out on the Saturday and return on the Wednesday which is good because I will need the Thursday to get some work done since Friday the 12th is the employee celebration.
Then of course the 13th I am going to 2 Christmas parties! I am lucky there too because I have a friend coming with me as "arm candy" for my company party and then we'll crash Debbie and Lauren's Christmas party afterwards. I have to admit, it was a bit unsure about asking someone to be my "date" for the company party. I don't want him reading anything into it.. I just want to have a relaxed good time and I think we will look good together in the process :) Besides, it will be nice to go to a party with a guy for a change.
Christmas is still up in the air. It all depends on how June is feeling which is ok with me. I am open to whatever happens and I am flexible enough to do whatever it takes to make the most of Christmas this year. So far it seems like Lauren and I will be spending Christmas in Lethbridge with my Dad and June and Debbie will come down for Dad's birthday. As far as I am concerned, as long as June is happy and healthy, I am fine with whatever they decide.
New Years will be exciting.. we're celebrating the end of 2008 and beginning of 2009 in Banff this year with 4 good friends. I have new snow tires too which means I will be a lot more at ease heading into the mountains in the snow! Anyone who knows the tires they put on the Mitsubishi Outlander will understand why I am thankful to have winter tires lol!
I have good feelings about 2009. I think it will bring about much positive change and I am ready to face it head on. Bring.. it.. on!
Monday, November 17, 2008
It's not always about me... and a little about change...
I'm not sure who actually reads my blog but I wanted to write a little bit about other things happening around me that are greatly impacting my life.
As some may know, my step mom June was recently diagnosed with cancer yet again. I don't know if this is her 4th or 5th battle but she is a veteran at fighting this very unpredictable monster.
Naturally I am worried. I love my step mom a lot. She has been very supportive to me, very caring and she has made my father a better man and a better dad. Quite frankly I wouldn't wish cancer on my worst enemy but it tears me up inside that it can happen to such a wonderful woman.
I like to boast in life that I have no fear but that would be a lie. I do fear cancer. It is so unpredictable and there are so many varieties... Aside from the head to toe locations that you can get it, there are the varying degrees of how rapidly it progresses. And then if you're lucky to be told that it can be treated, there is the treatment itself which can be just as bad as the disease.
I have high hopes and lots of positive thoughts for June though. She has beat this before and will again. She has the support of all of her family and friends, and I can say for sure that I am doing anything I can think of to help out. I am holding a wine and cheese fundraiser to help them with the expense of travelling to Calgary every 3 weeks for chemotherapy. Lauren and I are picking her daughter (my stepsister) up from the airport to bring her to Lethbridge tonight so they can spend the week together. I don't care if I am not home until 2am by the time we get back to Calgary. This is what people do for the ones they love and she should only have to worry about getting healthy again.
Anyway. If anyone reading this is interested in making a donation to the cause, let me know ok?
Aside from all of that, I am just working on figuring out what I am going to do when I grow up now that my life has been changed to an almost unrecognizable state. My step mom's cancer battle is just one of the things that is happening while life is still being lived. I have 2 jobs, I have family and friends that I am trying my best not to alienate. I have hopes and dreams for the future which I am hoping will eventually feed in to what is happening in my life.
It is like my life is a dart board, my future goals are in the bulls eye and the darts are all of these things happening in parallel. They all add up to the eventual goal and occasionally I may have something happen that hits the bulls eye and feeds directly into my goals, but all in all, I have to just work towards something hoping that eventually it will all make sense and meet my expectations.
I know that my fairly insignificant soul has a minor impact on the world. My carbon footprint alone is impacting the world, but I want more than that. When I eventually leave this world and move on to bigger and better things, I want to know that I made a difference.
I know what I want to do. I want to be an advocate for change. I want to help people understand, embrace and welcome change. Change is inevitable and will happen with or without our help... so why not learn to accept it? Also we need to understand how to make sure that the changes that happen are guided into the right direction.. positive direction.
Anyway I am rambling again...
Just wanted to share a little bit more about what is going on with my life..
Thanks for reading!
As some may know, my step mom June was recently diagnosed with cancer yet again. I don't know if this is her 4th or 5th battle but she is a veteran at fighting this very unpredictable monster.
Naturally I am worried. I love my step mom a lot. She has been very supportive to me, very caring and she has made my father a better man and a better dad. Quite frankly I wouldn't wish cancer on my worst enemy but it tears me up inside that it can happen to such a wonderful woman.
I like to boast in life that I have no fear but that would be a lie. I do fear cancer. It is so unpredictable and there are so many varieties... Aside from the head to toe locations that you can get it, there are the varying degrees of how rapidly it progresses. And then if you're lucky to be told that it can be treated, there is the treatment itself which can be just as bad as the disease.
I have high hopes and lots of positive thoughts for June though. She has beat this before and will again. She has the support of all of her family and friends, and I can say for sure that I am doing anything I can think of to help out. I am holding a wine and cheese fundraiser to help them with the expense of travelling to Calgary every 3 weeks for chemotherapy. Lauren and I are picking her daughter (my stepsister) up from the airport to bring her to Lethbridge tonight so they can spend the week together. I don't care if I am not home until 2am by the time we get back to Calgary. This is what people do for the ones they love and she should only have to worry about getting healthy again.
Anyway. If anyone reading this is interested in making a donation to the cause, let me know ok?
Aside from all of that, I am just working on figuring out what I am going to do when I grow up now that my life has been changed to an almost unrecognizable state. My step mom's cancer battle is just one of the things that is happening while life is still being lived. I have 2 jobs, I have family and friends that I am trying my best not to alienate. I have hopes and dreams for the future which I am hoping will eventually feed in to what is happening in my life.
It is like my life is a dart board, my future goals are in the bulls eye and the darts are all of these things happening in parallel. They all add up to the eventual goal and occasionally I may have something happen that hits the bulls eye and feeds directly into my goals, but all in all, I have to just work towards something hoping that eventually it will all make sense and meet my expectations.
I know that my fairly insignificant soul has a minor impact on the world. My carbon footprint alone is impacting the world, but I want more than that. When I eventually leave this world and move on to bigger and better things, I want to know that I made a difference.
I know what I want to do. I want to be an advocate for change. I want to help people understand, embrace and welcome change. Change is inevitable and will happen with or without our help... so why not learn to accept it? Also we need to understand how to make sure that the changes that happen are guided into the right direction.. positive direction.
Anyway I am rambling again...
Just wanted to share a little bit more about what is going on with my life..
Thanks for reading!
Monday, November 10, 2008
3 months and down another 25lbs! -211!!!!!
I can't believe 3 months has gone by since my last post. Wow life sure has taken over!
I can't believe how easy it is to get caught up in the amazing things I can do now and the amount of energy I have. I have been meaning to blog for weeks but aside from being really busy (more mentally busy than actually overburdened with tasks), I haven't been very motivated to sit on the computer long enough to blog.
I have had some great experiences. I am addicted to travelling now. I went to Montreal with Lauren and Alice in September and had a wonderful time! I fell in love with Montreal and can't wait to go back! I also went to Toronto for work just a couple of weeks ago. I didn't enjoy T.Dot. as much as I enjoyed Montreal but I would definitely go back.. plus I made a great friend there.. Renee.. and we went to Niagara Falls and saw a taping of 'The Hour' which was a lot of fun! I definitely made the best of the time I was there.
I haven't been enjoying work that much. Partly I think because I have been enjoying LIFE too much and I am starting to question whether I am doing the kind of work I really want to be doing. I need to spend more time thinking about that.
I have been thinking a lot about priorities lately. Starting to wonder what new traditions I can add to my life. My family has gotten away from tradition which really makes me sad at times so it is about time I start making my own traditions!
I've also come to the conclusion that I am ready for a big but positive change in my life. I have achieved all of my previous goals and dreams.. now it is time for new ones.. for a new chapter in my life. I feel like I am finally free of the burden of all those pounds and now I can really get out there and do what I was put on this earth to do!
I was seriously in denial before.. I had no idea that I was so unhappy with myself.. I guess it is easy to be so unclear when you're shrouded with not just the physical weight but everything else that comes with it. Even I didn't know exactly how much I was dealing with until I saw it start to fall away.. aside from the medical issues and actual physical limitations, the clothing, the perception of others and people looking right past me instead of at me.
I think one of the things that I enjoy the most right now is knowing that I can be anywhere and do anything and not have to wonder if I can"fit". Also, being out and about and never once praying for a parking spot close to my destination so that I don't have to walk too far. I know this is perceived as laziness but you need to understand that everyone has limitations and once you hit a certain weight, things don't work so well. I had major foot pain and knee pain. I dreaded walking 10 feet much less a whole block.. now, I am a walking machine.. ask Lauren and Alice how much stamina and energy I had in Montreal lol!
I want to keep in my mind a little bit of what I have been through as a reminder. It is so easy to forget how things were and start thinking the way other people would think of me.. "If she was more active she wouldn't be fat." "If she ate less, she would lose weight". These statements may be true in some cases but they weren't 100% true for me. It takes more than that and anyone saying things like that is ignorant to the reality of the situation. There are variables that come into play that no one could predict. Things you wouldn't recognize unless you had it happen to you. So for that reason, I never want to forget where I have been.
I have started to shift my perception and I see myself as a thinner and healthier person now, and I often forget what I used to look like, but I will never forget the way I used to feel. That's also why I got the tattoo.. as a reminder of where I started.. something about me that will never change, since so much in my life is changing and will change.
So a new chapter is about to begin in my life. Doors have opened up and a whole new world is before me. I have never before been so excited about the opportunities and possibilities I have ahead.. but you know what the weird thing is? All of these possibilities and opportunities were always there.. I just couldn't see past my weight. I allowed my weight to put limits on myself.
Its not like I am being handed opportunities. No one is approaching me with gifts and trips and experiences. No one has given me a free pass to anything. I am creating this for myself and I always could.. now of course it is easier.. I can fly comfortably and I know I can fit in any seat in almost any venue. I am now able to eat fairly normally too.. so all that makes it easier but I just realize now that my weight was one big fat excuse! I craved adventure back then. I ached to experience things.. but my weight kept me from it all. No, I kept me from it all.
I don't know what I am trying to get at exactly but basically my message is this.. if at any time, for any reason you or anyone else for that matter says you CAN'T do something, ask WHY, ask for PROOF. Because I am living proof that unless it involves the Time/Space continuum, you can do anything you want to do. You just have to be willing to alter what you want to do according to your challenges. Change your expectations of the experience to mold it to your life. Don't try to mold yourself into someone else's idea of that perfect experience. If you want to travel, DO IT.. but if you can't hike, don't hike.. We have 100% control of our lives and even though we have challenges and hurdles to overcome, we are capable. We were given pretty powerful brains and we definitely don't use them very efficiently. Be creative and get what you want out of life. And if somehow, somewhere along the road your life gets better in the process.. then that is the frosting on the metaphoric cake.
So to sum it all up.. life is good. Getting better every day. Looking forward to tomorrow and the day after that and so on and so on. Eventually looking forward to sharing my wonderful life with a wonderful guy but I know that will happen when it is meant to.. so for now, I will just keep doing what I am doing.
Thanks for sticking around and reading all this rambling :)
Pia
I can't believe how easy it is to get caught up in the amazing things I can do now and the amount of energy I have. I have been meaning to blog for weeks but aside from being really busy (more mentally busy than actually overburdened with tasks), I haven't been very motivated to sit on the computer long enough to blog.
I have had some great experiences. I am addicted to travelling now. I went to Montreal with Lauren and Alice in September and had a wonderful time! I fell in love with Montreal and can't wait to go back! I also went to Toronto for work just a couple of weeks ago. I didn't enjoy T.Dot. as much as I enjoyed Montreal but I would definitely go back.. plus I made a great friend there.. Renee.. and we went to Niagara Falls and saw a taping of 'The Hour' which was a lot of fun! I definitely made the best of the time I was there.
I haven't been enjoying work that much. Partly I think because I have been enjoying LIFE too much and I am starting to question whether I am doing the kind of work I really want to be doing. I need to spend more time thinking about that.
I have been thinking a lot about priorities lately. Starting to wonder what new traditions I can add to my life. My family has gotten away from tradition which really makes me sad at times so it is about time I start making my own traditions!
I've also come to the conclusion that I am ready for a big but positive change in my life. I have achieved all of my previous goals and dreams.. now it is time for new ones.. for a new chapter in my life. I feel like I am finally free of the burden of all those pounds and now I can really get out there and do what I was put on this earth to do!
I was seriously in denial before.. I had no idea that I was so unhappy with myself.. I guess it is easy to be so unclear when you're shrouded with not just the physical weight but everything else that comes with it. Even I didn't know exactly how much I was dealing with until I saw it start to fall away.. aside from the medical issues and actual physical limitations, the clothing, the perception of others and people looking right past me instead of at me.
I think one of the things that I enjoy the most right now is knowing that I can be anywhere and do anything and not have to wonder if I can"fit". Also, being out and about and never once praying for a parking spot close to my destination so that I don't have to walk too far. I know this is perceived as laziness but you need to understand that everyone has limitations and once you hit a certain weight, things don't work so well. I had major foot pain and knee pain. I dreaded walking 10 feet much less a whole block.. now, I am a walking machine.. ask Lauren and Alice how much stamina and energy I had in Montreal lol!
I want to keep in my mind a little bit of what I have been through as a reminder. It is so easy to forget how things were and start thinking the way other people would think of me.. "If she was more active she wouldn't be fat." "If she ate less, she would lose weight". These statements may be true in some cases but they weren't 100% true for me. It takes more than that and anyone saying things like that is ignorant to the reality of the situation. There are variables that come into play that no one could predict. Things you wouldn't recognize unless you had it happen to you. So for that reason, I never want to forget where I have been.
I have started to shift my perception and I see myself as a thinner and healthier person now, and I often forget what I used to look like, but I will never forget the way I used to feel. That's also why I got the tattoo.. as a reminder of where I started.. something about me that will never change, since so much in my life is changing and will change.
So a new chapter is about to begin in my life. Doors have opened up and a whole new world is before me. I have never before been so excited about the opportunities and possibilities I have ahead.. but you know what the weird thing is? All of these possibilities and opportunities were always there.. I just couldn't see past my weight. I allowed my weight to put limits on myself.
Its not like I am being handed opportunities. No one is approaching me with gifts and trips and experiences. No one has given me a free pass to anything. I am creating this for myself and I always could.. now of course it is easier.. I can fly comfortably and I know I can fit in any seat in almost any venue. I am now able to eat fairly normally too.. so all that makes it easier but I just realize now that my weight was one big fat excuse! I craved adventure back then. I ached to experience things.. but my weight kept me from it all. No, I kept me from it all.
I don't know what I am trying to get at exactly but basically my message is this.. if at any time, for any reason you or anyone else for that matter says you CAN'T do something, ask WHY, ask for PROOF. Because I am living proof that unless it involves the Time/Space continuum, you can do anything you want to do. You just have to be willing to alter what you want to do according to your challenges. Change your expectations of the experience to mold it to your life. Don't try to mold yourself into someone else's idea of that perfect experience. If you want to travel, DO IT.. but if you can't hike, don't hike.. We have 100% control of our lives and even though we have challenges and hurdles to overcome, we are capable. We were given pretty powerful brains and we definitely don't use them very efficiently. Be creative and get what you want out of life. And if somehow, somewhere along the road your life gets better in the process.. then that is the frosting on the metaphoric cake.
So to sum it all up.. life is good. Getting better every day. Looking forward to tomorrow and the day after that and so on and so on. Eventually looking forward to sharing my wonderful life with a wonderful guy but I know that will happen when it is meant to.. so for now, I will just keep doing what I am doing.
Thanks for sticking around and reading all this rambling :)
Pia
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