In a nutshell.. Pia's journey.

My journey, getting from there to here...

2012-02-02T00:57:00.002-07:00

It has been a long time since I last posted on here. I have moved to a new blog site on my own domain which I have included in the previous post. The purpose of this message is to let you know that this blog contains a very personal piece of my history. To get a really good understanding and to see where I came from (and how I got to where I am now), you need to start at the beginning! Scroll down to the very bottom of this page. Along the way you can see all of the photos of me and how I transormed! When you get to the bottom, start with 2007. The beginning of my journey!

If you want to see anything more current, you will need to go to my new site http://inspiredmind.ca/wp/.

Thanks for reading!

Pia

New Site

2010-02-23T09:44:00.003-07:00

Hi everyone,

I have decided to give my own site a shot.. I have had the domain for years now but didn't bother to get it up and running.. so I have moved my blog to:

http://inspiredmind.ca/wp/

The focus of my blog has shifted a bit.. less about the journey from my surgery and more about my life currently. Additionally, I will be posting the occasional product/restaurant/book review as well. Eventually, as I have time and ambition, I will also be building and developing my main website to hopefully include all of my poetry and art projects... hopefully it all lives up to the name of my domain :)

Hope you follow me over to my site! If you have any questions/issues, email me!

Pia

Christmas in England, Julie & Julia and where to go from here?

2009-12-14T22:58:00.001-07:00

I leave for England in less than 48 hours. I am just overwhelmed that I am going back to England only a couple months after being there for the first time. I am excited but so not prepared. I haven’t even begun to pack and I have no idea what we’re going to do there besides the actual Christmas stuff.

I find myself very emotional today. Feeling really down and introspective. I watched Julie & Julia tonight and I thought.. why didn’t I think of that? I love to cook, I saw myself in many aspects of that movie and I love to blog. I am a writer.. why couldn’t I be the one to write some super cool blog that everyone wants to read?

I got a book from work today. “What Color is your Parachute?”…

The funny thing about the book is that it is “A Practical Manual for Job-hunters and Career Changers”… Interesting that work would give this book to me to read… The woman who lent it to me made a comment that she always gets it back obviously unopened and unread… I can see why… the whole first half of the book – at least – is about how to find a new job and how to do a resume, go to interviews etc… Anyone wanting to use it as a stepping stone for career advancement within the company wouldn’t be too interested in reading about how to find a new job elsewhere…

I am hoping… hoping that this book will miraculously help me figure out what to do with my career. I kind of know what needs to be done but I am not sure how… For the time being, I am getting another certificate from Mount Royal University. Nothing huge or amazing but gradual improvement on my education and experience!

I have become completely obsessed with cooking and food. I am addicted to the Food Network and have begun to accumulate a really good cookbook collection. I have also started to weed out the cookbooks I don’t like.

My one downfall though, is that I tend to read the recipe but not follow it completely. I use them as guidelines, not necessarily as law… I have followed a couple recipes recently.. to the letter (more or less) and they have turned out wonderfully!! I made 6 Cornish hens with cornbread stuffing. The cornbread recipe was followed to the letter as well! Delicious! I got the cornbread recipe from Martha Stewart, the Hen recipe from Ina Garten (Barefoot Contessa).

I also made Pork Lo Mein from the America’s Text Kitchen cookbook. It was superb!!! It doesn’t always turn out the same though. Sometimes I slip and add too much garlic chili sauce.. sometimes I add too much 5 spice.

I also recently made duck breast with a blueberry balsamic glaze BUT that one, I used a couple recipes as guidelines (mainly Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsay) and then had to completely make up the blueberry balsamic glaze because I couldn’t find one online. I made it using dried blueberries.

Anyway.. I have a lot to think about and I am torn between my new fetish.. – food… and my need for a really lucrative career. Its kinda funny… Neil keeps referring to the Food Network as my porn LOL.

I’ll figure it all out.. and drag you along with me ;) Thanks for listening…

Goals, Reflection and Mottos…

2009-11-17T23:48:00.001-07:00

So I have been thinking a lot lately about where I am in my life. Several years ago I set 5 goals for myself. One was pretty minor.. (quit biting my fingernails) and one was completely out of my control (meet the love of my life) but the other 3 were pretty huge goals that I did have control over. 1) Quit Smoking 2) Find a career I love 3) lose weight. Ok so admittedly I still bite my nails ;P … BUT…

Some of these goals have been there my whole life and all of them have been on my list for more than 15 years. So what happens when you have set 5 goals (some of which seemed impossible to achieve) and you actually achieve them?? You start over I suppose. Back to square one. Back to the bottom of the uphill climb.

I think the hardest part of this whole process is keeping the momentum going, keeping things moving forward and keep growing as a person while dealing with the things I have already done. For instance, I am now in an amazing relationship with Neil. A relationship that I have waited for my whole life. So I am growing and exploring my new relationship and loving every minute of it. Meanwhile, I am still learning how to live my new life after having lost 1/2 of my body weight.

Several years ago I established a career in Technical Writing. It was the first time I felt like I knew what I wanted to do with my life. So here I am… a non-smoker, technical writer with an amazing boyfriend and finally healthy.. so now what?

Last year, rather than deal with my changing life, I jumped into choir and acting classes. Rather than take time to get my life to a settled state again or to enjoy the changes I was experiencing, I kept stirring things up. Now I am dealing with the repercussions. So many things I should have finished/organized/sorted out a year ago are still waiting to be done.

So I guess this is where my next set of goals comes into play. I need to think long and hard because things are shifting constantly.

My life is like the ocean.. deep, full of all sorts of great (and often delicious) things and always moving.

I think I will make a few lists. A few BIG goals (5 or 10 year span), a dozen moderate goals (within 5 years) and many really quick hit type goals that can go as short as a day or as long as a year.

Of course all of this is directly related to the reflection I am doing and need to do in my life. Not only is my personal life a new and exciting but I am starting to realize that I am not as happy at work as I hoped I would be at this point.

Even though I am working with the title that fits into my career goal, I am not doing the type of work in the type of environment that I need to be really fulfilled. I work in the finance department and I really don’t fit in. My direct office neighbors for the most part want nothing to do with me and since I don’t have any specific business reasons to be in constant contact with them, there is no reason for me to be included in anything. I am the type of person that can work well independently but I need to have the feeling that I am part of a collaborative team. I need to have people to bounce things off of and I need to have people willing to build relationships with me. I don’t know how I can change things in the company I am in. I suspect there is a way but right now I feel completely helpless and a little overwhelmed.

With that, there is the issue of Neil possibly needing to move to a new University in the next year. Right now, I am left completely unaware of what city we would move to, not to mention when it would happen. If it would happen. I am a huge planner so I know that as soon as we have an idea, I will become a complete nutcase lol. I am really nervous about that whole concept. Leaving my family and friends to go someplace new with the man of my dreams. Scary but exciting… Until Neil knows something, I am completely unsure of what will happen.

So, while I wait for the potential inevitable, I am going to get some education and really improve my skills. I plan on taking my Business Analysis Certificate at Mount Royal University. I started the program a while ago so some of it will be review but I am looking forward to learning something new!

My other “plan” is to just try and get/stay as connected as possible in my current job and do my best. It doesn’t matter if people I work with don’t have any faith in my ability and it doesn’t matter that I have no team to build a relationship with. I still have to work with integrity and try and make as much of a difference as I can. I have been so miserable and it is somewhat known among my superiors so I have a fear of being laid off… I’ve noticed that it usually happens to people when they are most unhappy. I hope that I am not laid off of course but whatever does happen will end up being positive because I have the ability to make it that way.

So this brings me to my Motto… I need a life motto. I need one sentence that sums me up in a nutshell. I have to ponder that. Any thoughts???

I know this all seems a bit weird and somewhat negative but I am feeling really positive overall. I am overwhelmed and a little out of my element but I am aware of it and working on it. I don’t feel like I need advice… I just need time to create a plan for myself. At least I have wonderful and amazing people in my life :)

So this is where I leave you.. Thanks for reading!

Being abroad and being half of the broad I used to be... (-233 which means 1/2 gone forever)

2009-11-02T11:07:00.002-07:00

The trip to England was a whirlwind! I don't want to retell the story of every event in sequence so I will give a slightly "Reader's Digest" version. We went there as a surprise to Neil's mom. The rest of his family knew we were coming so we all conspired to surprise her.

It drove me nuts not being able to post on Facebook that I was off to Europe. Europe is a pretty big deal for me. I went to Germany and Denmark when I was in my early 20's and I thought I would never head out of the country again. Then of course I went to Brazil and that really started things off for me again. From there I ended up flying to Vancouver and Montreal and Toronto but I certainly did not think I would be going to England ever much less this year!

I felt instantly comfortable the second we arrived in England. Perhaps it is the association with Neil being born there or maybe it just proves it is all meant to be. Neil's family was amazing. I felt like one of the clan quickly and this is a little strange for me but I really felt like they were family immediately. I guess for me, that really proved how natural and honest and real Neil is. He is q00% his family and they are awesome too!

The day we surprised Neil's mom, we all went for a Family photo shoot and then to dinner at the Yew Tree Inn. The photo shoot was fun. I had always wanted to do something like that and I was honoured to be considered worthy of being included in the group family photo. Dinner was pretty cool. The food was homey and the portions were HUGE! The banoffee pie was very decadent and the family was a lot of fun! While in England we also went to a castle that was at one time owned by Neil's ancestors. Bodiam Castle was beautiful! Neil and I went in and walked around. We took photos and really had some special "us" time in there. There was one point where I was standing in the castle (most of it is exposed as it is really an outer shell with little for coverage) and I was thinking to myself.. this would be an amazing place to get married... and at that moment I looked down and saw the plaque that said "Chapel". That was a serious case of the warm fuzzies right there.

Neil's parents also took us to another town called Arundel where there was another castle but we didn't go in. We ended up spending our time there walking around the town and taking a walk along the river. It was a seriously amazing viewpoint of England and really epitomises what England is really like. We then went to a pub called the Black Rabbit and sat along the river at picnic tables and enjoyed a pint and lunch.

During the week Neil and I took two trips to seaside towns (Eastbourne and Brighton) & ate Fish and chips.. We also went to London for the day. I think the most time consuming aspect of sightseeing is the travel time. We spent 1 Hour 20 Minutes on the train to London and the same back to Polegate (the nearest station to his mom and dad's place). London was crazy and hectic.

We did a lot of shopping and ended up having a delicious dinner. We did have some not-so-good sushi and a mediocre lunch but in all, it was a great time! It really makes me want to go back and really take time to see some of the sights and visit the museums and galleries. We really only got a glimpse of the attractions in London so it would be so nice to be able to see more again. Luckily I am in this relationship for good so I foresee a lot more trips in the future.

Neil and I also spent some time in his town of Hailsham and bought candy to bring home etc.. I admittedly did way too much shopping on this trip and although Neil's sister-in-law to be has vowed to take me clothes shopping at Christmas, I am definitely going to plan on curbing my spending this time around!

So Neil and I head back to England for Christmas this year. We are flying out of Calgary on December 16th and we return on December 29th (just in time to recover for New Years Eve!) I expect this next trip to be as equally thrilling and I expect my relationship with Neil to never dull. I can't imagine life with Neil being anything but one amazing adventure after another.

Next year I plan on spending Christmas in Canada. I am hoping Neil's parents plan to come here for Christmas. Bottom line is that I want to be able to spend some Christmases with my family as well. I have some pretty important people in my really tiny family and they are important to me. I think we can compromise without any issues :)

When I got back from England I weighed myself and I was so excited that I could report that I am down to 233 which is exactly 1/2 of my highest weight of 466lbs! I am so glad Neil didn't have to know me in the pre-Marchesini era because I am so much happier now. I am just loving life now. As much as I thought I was before... It took all of my energy to make myself believe I was happy. Now, things come much easier. Every day I am amazed at how my life has turned around over the past 2 years and how much better my life is now. I marvel at how fortunate I am to have certain amazing people in my life and I am so thankful that I am appreciative of them.

Even though I am 1/2 of the person I once was physically, as Neil reminds me, I am even greater than 100% mentally, emotionally and spiritually than I was before!

Anyway, enough about that! Thanks for reading!

Manners, Evolution and Intuition...

2009-11-02T11:04:00.002-07:00

I'm going to post my thoughts in the order that makes most sense to me.. I want to end on a positive note.. Not to say that this entry will be particularly negative but blogging is one of a few outlets I have to vent and I plan on taking full advantage of that ;)

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I can be a bit high strung about certain things. I have pet peeves and I get easily annoyed especially when it comes to human behaviour.

I try my best to stick by certain golden rules such as "never going to someone's home empty handed" or "simply saying please and thank you". Seems pretty brainless but I feel like certain common courtesies are beginning to see their way out of our society. It could be that humans are evolving towards a new era of "wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am-ism" or perhaps we are running out of suitable role models. After all, it seems we can all benefit by a refresh of these things on occasion... the following phrases come to mind... "Use it, or lose it..."Out of sight, out of mind". I guess if fewer people are carrying on these seemingly "old-fashioned" courtesies, there is no one to lead by example...

I suppose it is only fair that I give some examples of such behaviour. This morning, I was approaching a set of double glass doors in my office building lobby. The doors are obviously transparent and the woman walking towards the doors from the opposite side can clearly see I am approaching the door on the right hand side. Now, rather than reach for the second door and make her way through, she not only stops and waits for me to open the door but then decides that she should be the first to go through. Ok so I could look at this from the other side and say.. ok so I was nice and opened the door for another person yadda yadda yadda... but the fact here is that she fully intended to wait until I opened that door without even making an attempt to reach for the handle herself, let herself through and went on her way. In the same regard I notice that the average age of all the men downtown, who actually open the door for me (or other women) or wait to step on/off the elevator until the women have passed, is roughly 45. Few (if any) men younger than that have the "ladies first" instinct. Ok, so I will play my own Devil's advocate here and say.. Yeah but with women's lib and all that jazz can you really blame them? Or why should women get priority etc... and the bottom line for me is that quite frankly it shows respect. I don't care if it is evolving its way out of our society, its still nice to see a man who is in most cases larger and stronger show that little bit of gentle courtesy to a woman.

Ok so I am almost done griping but I have one more... I love to entertain. One of my favourite things to do is cook and since I tend to have the inability to cook small portions anyway, it seems fitting that I cook for friends. Because of that passion, it seems that the natural thing for me to do is throw parties..

So for the third year in a row, Lauren and I had a Halloween party. Of course this year Neil was a co-host as well. I don't take my parties lightly. Neil and Lauren can attest to how OCD I can be when it comes to being in party planning mode. I end up spending a lot of money on food/drink, we clean the house to "presentation level" and we decorate. This year we had 17 confirmed guests (not including some spouses etc..). We expected roughly 27 (in all) and 8 actually showed up. Less than half.

We have had our share of party mishaps.. we've had potlucks where people don't bother to bring food or rather than bring their own alcohol, help themselves to ours. We have had many parties where few showed up (or the year one person showed up and I became Dr. Phil for the evening).

Honestly, I never care if people just don't want to come to one of my parties. As long as they are honest and RSVP. Don't sit on the Maybe list and pretend like there is a chance you will make it. Definitely don't be a "maybe" if you are sure that you can't make it. Don't double book and if you can't make it, be honest and just call/text/email/facebook. The fact is, parties aren't easy to plan and they can cost a lot of money and just ignoring that is in my opinion .. rude! Don't think you're doing me a favour by making me think you want to come when you know you can't.

Anyway, I think I have vented enough. I would be interested in hearing some opinions about this because maybe I am crazy or totally on another planet or something...

So last night I was out with Neil and we were heading to his Lab to do some work. It was late (around 10) and we were driving down Deerfoot trail when I suddenly had this vision of a deer darting out into the road. I have only ever seen one deer around Deerfoot trail in my lifetime and it was dead on the side of the road. So I thought this "vision" was my overactive imagination because we have decided to go to Lethbridge this weekend and we all know what happened the second-last time I went to Lethbridge.. we hit that poor deer.

So I told Neil "I just had a vision of a deer!!". I saw it dart out into the road. It really made me feel like I needed to be on the lookout. Not two minutes later I saw a huge stag on the side of the road just past the Calf Robe Bridge (by Peigan Trail). It was on the other side of the barrier and didn't appear to be looking to jump over but it was huge and had massive antlers. I was so alarmed. Not so much that the deer was there but I often get these twinges of intuition and recommend alternate courses of travel or suggest we be more alert etc.. but it is not often that those visions are validated. Ok so the deer didn't dart out but it may have and as a result we didn't head home in that same direction. We took the alternate route of Crowchild to Glenmore.

In my opinion it doesn't matter if these little bits of intuition are validated.. I have learned to always listen to them and to trust my instincts.. but it is nice to see that it is not always my overactive imagination at play.

On that note, I took a tea break just now. I went to the store this morning and bought a 1L carton of 2% lactaid milk. I finished off the last carton this morning on my tea and when I brought the new carton back from the store, my gut kept telling me to check the seal.. of course I was fiddling with the cap and didn't bother to check... so just now I went to get another tea and when I opened the milk (supposedly for the first time) the seal was missing from the inside.

Now there is that chance that in the short time since I bought the carton, someone from my floor went to the fridge and opened my new milk and helped themselves.. or maybe the seal was missing altogether... Either way, I wasn't sure so I quickly ran downstairs and exchanged the carton for a new one...

Speaking of tea.. ever since I got back from England I have been on a bit of a tea kick. I have always loved tea but I usually stick to green/herbal teas (usually on account of the lactose intolerance). But lately I have been enjoying the black teas with milk/sugar as I used to when I was younger.

I'll discuss the England trip in my next post. These are getting too long to keep as one...

Shackin’ up, Plastics and Marketing… (240 lbs, -226lbs!)

2009-09-11T22:31:00.001-06:00

I think there is a certain expectation in this world that people follow a specific pattern when it comes to relationships. In “traditional” families, a woman would likely not have sex before marriage much less share accommodations. Well anyone who knows me, knows my family is far from traditional and even though I am not a wild and crazy rebel, I do have a nose piercing, a tattoo and I flew to Brazil for surgery not knowing much more about my surgeon than the (hopefully) good word of a bunch of Americans I had never met.

So at the end of August, Neil moved into my house. We moved him out of his apartment and I am thrilled to say that I have never been happier. For those of you who are unsure of how you feel about us “shackin’ up”, wait till I tell you that on Monday, September 14th, we celebrate our 6th monthiversary of our first date.

I have been given my fair share of opinions and disapprovals about my relationship and the speed to which it is advancing but before you comment on this blog and tell me you agree with the naysayers, let me cut you off by telling you that I don’t care ;) Quite frankly, the only people it has to feel right for is Neil and me and for those of you who do not have the privilege of living inside of my head, you need to be made aware that I am absolutely, completely saturated with happiness.

I feel like I have known Neil my whole life. I feel like somehow I knew his soul and was just waiting for the moment we were allowed to meet. I am thankful, I am blessed, I am lucky and I am In Love :)

So enough mushy stuff.. long story short… Neil moved in, we’re renovating the basement (spent last weekend drywalling – woo!) and continue to get settled in our life together. I look forward to the settling in part but something tells me that our relationship will never be dull.

So… Thinking about my amazingly sweet “live-in” boyfriend reminds me of a little medical appointment I had this week… a couple years ago (in the post Marchesini era), I asked for a referral to a plastic surgeon. I knew that the wait for a consultation would be long so before I had even come close to losing the amount I have lost now, I took a long shot and booked in for a consult. So this week I met Dr. Humphreys. He was so nice and although I expected to leave his office feeling like crap, I left with my head held high and honestly relieved that my instincts are so dead on.

Before I even met Dr. Humphreys, I had already come to the conclusion that I would not be having any plastic surgery for a very long time (if at all). I want to have children which means that any abdominal surgery would have to wait. The only surgery I am actually able to have today, is my arms… and since Alberta Health Care doesn’t cover the cost, I would have to pay over $5000 out of pocket. To be honest, I would rather take flabby arms than spend $5k on a very long scar… So, for any of you expecting for me to be appearing in Sports Illustrated next Summer, I am so sorry to disappoint ;) Neil has been very clear that he loves me just as I am and I definitely believe him :) On to more interesting topics…

I used to think that the farmer’s market was this super awesome date type activity.. I am not so sure anymore lol. I think though, that spending a couple hours at the Farmer’s Market with my sister is definitely more fitting. A couple of weeks ago Neil confessed that the Farmer’s Market was not his favourite activity. I am SO GLAD he told me because I can always use more sister time and why put him through something he doesn’t enjoy?

The first time I took Neil to the Currie Barracks Farmer’s Market, a merchant actually referred to me as Neil’s wife. We had a good giggle about that at the time :)

So the last time I went to the market I made a discovery. I really don’t think the market is all that great :( As much as I love the concept, I have major issues with it I find it so sad that the price of produce is often way higher than at Sobeys and I have a hard time finding LOCAL produce. Most major grocery chains are bragging about their local suppliers.

I do very much enjoy purchasing meat at the market though. When Neil and I last went, we bought an amazingly huge pork roast with the rind on at a fantastic price. It was so big we cut it into 3 roasts!!! When Lauren and I last went, I bought chicken backs and necks for stock and got a nice slab of side pork. I have also started to deal with a lovely organic beef farmer that is from Claresholm. He comes to the McKenzie Towne Farmer’s Market and provides me with the most incredible ox tails and beef soup bones.

So I suppose I am somewhat jaded in Farmer’s Marketdom. I am all for the meat but the veg is causing me grief.

I am very happy to report though that we are enjoying a very nice bounty right from my own home garden! We are regularly harvesting tomatoes, zucchini, strawberries, raspberries, carrots, beets and a wide variety of herbs! My goal right now is to use the canned goods we have in the house as much as possible (I have managed to accumulate a lot of canned stuff) and I also aim to use the fruits of my labour from the garden as much as possible!

The most popular dish so far from the garden was the cherry tomato salad. Green onions, tomatoes and herbs from the garden mixed with balsamic vinegar, olive oil, a little honey and salt & pepper. YUM!

Anyway… I am so happy to be able to share all of these things with you. My life is (for the most part) moving along at a very content rate. I am so excited about what is to come… although the number of green tomatoes in my garden frightens me a bit (as I envision the requirement to speed up the ripening process before the first frost).

I am excited about life with Neil and I am so lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life. And… because you have made it to the end of this post, that means you too!

Family, Future and Food... Part 3 (Food)

2009-07-29T08:19:00.001-06:00

Part 3 - Food...

I love to cook... that is a phrase I never thought I would say.. but I really do love to cook!

Pre-Marchesini, I really didn't enjoy cooking. I think part of it was that I almost always felt like crap. But I think part of it was also that I was afraid of food to a certain extent. Food was my enemy.. and even though I had a few signature type dishes, I didn't get excited about cooking.

Now.. I am a HUGE foodie! I have learned a lot about food, cooking techniques, flavor, control, experimentation, variety... especially variety.

I now grow my own fruits & vegetables (in the little space I have). I (hopefully) grow carrots, zucchini, cucumbers, tomatoes, radishes, beets, parsnips, raspberries, strawberries, blueberries and a wide variety of herbs (Basil, dill, rosemary, catnip, chives, parsley, sage, oregano & thyme). I say "hopefully" because some of those vegetables haven't grown to the point of harvest yet BUT they are getting there. So far this year we have had about a dozen radishes, 2 cherry tomatoes, at least a cup of raspberries, a few strawberries and nearly enough herbs to last the winter if I dry them. I am excited about the garden. I get such a rush from knowing that I put something in the ground and it grew.. and then I could eat it. So amazing!

My dream is that in my next house, I have a proper garden with a greenhouse! I am really interested in the idea of growing as much of my own food as I can in the summer (I am not really that keen on canning and preserving for the winter just yet) but I also really love the idea of the 100 mile challenge. I think everyone needs to stop relying on convenience foods and processed foods and we really should be buying food as local to us as possible. Why don't we support our neighbors? I was so mad in Co-op the other day because they didn't have any potatoes from Canada. All were imported from the USA. A few weeks ago I went to a free pork sandwich lunch offered by the Canadian Pork Producers. They were creating awareness that we need to buy Canadian pork because the pork producers here are really struggling. You can imagine the trickle effect. Less pork production = fewer pigs = fewer pigs to feed = farmers producing pig feed getting fewer orders etc... Canadian pork is perfectly safe to eat and it is a delicious and lean meat as well! (Depending on the cut). Anyway... my rant is.. When you are shopping for anything, know where it comes from and really try to buy as local as possible! (stepping down from soapbox now)

On a side note, I am excited about an organic beef farm I am becoming familiar with. I bought oxtails and beef soup bones from him last month and the quality was incredible so I have placed another order and he will bring it to the McKenzie Towne Farmer's Market!

I've been thinking a lot about my life and what I am passionate about and I realized that a big part of my passion is food (No, really!). I don't want to be a chef, but I think I am a good cook so I want to do something about it. So, I have decided to start really building my recipe repertoire. I am perfecting my favourite recipes and inventing some new ones based on some of the flavors I love. I have an angle I want to use and I think I have a really good idea that could make a really cool cookbook. I am hoping one day to get this cookbook published but quite frankly I think the research and experimentation will be all the fun! I have already started to experiment and I am really excited.

Unfortunately, with me wanting to cook ALL the time, poor Lauren never gets to cook. I have made it clear that all she needs to do is tell me she wants to cook and I will back off.. I have also let her know that some of her signature recipes should go into the cookbook as well.. but for supper, if I don't hear anything at least the night before, I am making plans in my head. I do tend to think about suppertime a whole day in advance but you kind of have to.. Whether it be taking something out of the freezer or using up leftovers, you need to have an idea of what you are going to have without being rigid and unflexible. We are really trying to use up all the stuff we have in the fridge/freezer.

Anyway.. thats about it for now. I am excited about everything.. Family, my future and food! Thanks for reading!

Family, Future and Food... Part 2 (Future)

2009-07-29T08:18:00.000-06:00

Part 2 - Future...

I have had a lot to think about regarding my future. I can't help but think ahead. I do that a lot but now that I have Neil in my life and with all the changes I have made over the past 2 years (Happy 2 year Surgiversary to me! 2 years on July 24th), I have this extreme desire to plan my future. Besides the obvious planning of a life with Neil, I am also thinking about one day having kids and moving into a bigger place with more bedrooms. A lot to think about! I am not worried at all. I know that what is meant to be, will be. As much as I think about my future with Neil and about a future family etc.. I feel somewhat like I need to pull back on the reigns of my brain. I am so used to being 100% in control of my destiny that I tend to map out things as the sole participant.. now I have other influences and a partner to consider. Someone who gets to share in a lot of those decisions.

Another thing I have been really spending a lot of time and energy thinking about, is my career. I am not 100% working in the role that I feel best fits my skills and I really miss working on a team of people who collaborate and share ideas with me. Being the only Tech Writer in the company is a lonely job. I wish I was at least a part of the communications department so I would be able to share in the creative energy pool. No offense to any accountants out there but it is hard to have my brain within a team of people that do all the things I was terrible at in High School! Mind ya, my actual team consists of me and my boss and he is on the other side of the country so technically my "team" that I refer to above is another team I tend to tag along with lol.

As part of this soul search and potential aspirations career-wise I am thinking about what I really love to do and what I really want to do in the future. When I have children I need to be able to take maternity leave or afford the time off anyway. It all fits together in a mishmash of what is practical vs. my aspirations. Again I am positive that whatever is meant to happen, will and of course everything always works out in the end.

This weekend I am going camping with Lauren, Neil and my Dad. I haven't been camping with my dad in a long time and I am really excited! He is a master camper and this is also the first camping trip post-Marchesini (after surgery) :)

On a side note, I have been thinking about potentially collecting and perfecting recipes to write a cookbook but I will touch on that in Part 3.

Family, Future and Food... Part 1 (Family) 243lbs = -223!!

2009-07-29T08:13:00.002-06:00

I have a lot of things to talk about so I am going to break this up into 3 sections as indicated by the subject line :)

Part 1 - Family...

We scattered June's ashes this weekend. On Saturday. I have never experienced anything like that. It was absolutely gorgeous! As we were driving, I thought.. where could we possibly go that would be nice enough for her ashes?? It was nice countryside but nothing majestic... and then we hit a gravel road which became a dirt road which nearly became a dirt path. The road had deep gouges carved out of it and at times, it felt like we were really offroading! I was completely blown away when clouds of butterflies parted as we werent along our way. Beautiful!!! After well over an hour (or two) of driving, we get to the end of the road which led to a forest fire lookout (i believe).

When we pulled up to the spot, a field of wildflowers greeted us. Flies and butterflies and honeybees and pretty much every other insect was there as well.. a natural utopia. I was busy snapping photos of any butterfly or flower I could while my dad scoped out the perfect spot.. and it was perfect indeed. After a very short walk through some trees, we came across a cliff with large shale boulders. It overlooked a beautiful green valley filled with trees and rolling hills. The spot itself seemed to have been a resting place for others as well since names, dates and nicknames were carved into the stone. It was absolutely stunning!

My dad, Lauren and I each took turns reading a page which was given to us by the pastor of my dad's church. We began with some bible passages and June's favourite.. we then said a prayer and as I read the words for the burial/cremation ceremony, my dad released the ashes. The wind was in our favour and the ashes were swept up and away. After the release, my dad carved June's name and 2009 in the stone and Tamara carved a heart. June's daughter was really happy with the place my dad chose I think.
It was so nice.

Incidentally I got a sunburn and on the way back to Claresholm, Mizu got a nail in the tire and we had to drive back to Lethbridge going 80km/h in a 110 zone. After all the repairs on my car this year, I am tired of the issues. The tire only cost $45 luckily. Sigh. I had only been driving Mizu for less than a week before this happened too.. bleh!

I have definitely had my struggles with family. Some of my closest relationships are with people I consider family but who aren't related to me by blood. When I was a child, I honestly thought at one point that my entire reason for living, the reason for my existence, was to mend the gap in my family and bring everyone together again. It was torture for me to see our family lose touch and for people to be fighting. I never understood it but as I grew up, I began to realize that we can try and influence the situation but people can only change their own behaviour.. toss in some hormones, medical conditions, alcohol and circumstance and you have a recipe for a bit mess. I think once I realized I couldn't fix the family, I realized that i needed to stop worrying about them and worry more about me. Fortunately and unfortunately I have a terrible memory so I have forgotten a lot of the bad stuff but anything I haven't had closure on is still gnawing away at me... I don't know what it is or why, but I know it is there. It sucks. It is good because I forget the bad stuff but when I forget, I can't ever get the closure I need.

I think that part of my selfishness also expects that the adults in my family take care of themselves when they can and work to overcome issues when they need to. This to me, is common sense.. I also expect people to work on issues with eachother and not just let them stew and get worse.. of course that doesn't happen :/ I have no patience for people continually complaining about a problem they could be working towards fixing. In a way I don't mind feeling that way but I also feel a little guilty. I wish I had more patience.. I think I need to find a balance between patience and compassion, and feeling like I will be taken advantage of.. I need to be able to trust.

For now, I will focus on building my own family and maintaining the close relationships I do have. I have decided to focus on my life and on me... as selfish as that sounds, I think it is about time that I focus on living my life. (I will touch on this more in part 2)

All these wonderful things… love, food and adventure! 247lbs (-219)

2009-07-05T20:59:00.001-06:00

I am sitting next to two of my favorite people in the whole world. Ok so I have a lot of favorites but I have to say that I feel really fortunate to be surrounded by such amazing individuals.

Lauren has been there for me, with me for a long time now. She is one of the few people that has been there for me unconditionally, has been my rock when I needed her and has been just amazingly supportive.. and she keeps on being this person… this truly wonderful woman!

And Neil… How can I even explain how shocked I am that I not only found this incredible man to inflate my heart to a whole new level that I didn’t know was possible, but that it actually happened to me… TO ME!!! I would have bet my life savings that I would have been a single cat lady my whole life… I didn’t think it was in the cards for me. Somehow I always knew things would be wonderful for me, but in the same sense, I didn’t think it would include someone as incredible as Neil.

I can gush about these two all night and I probably will, but you need to realize that since July 24, 2007, my life has completely changed. Ok so I still have the same house and job, but those were the only things that ever changed with me before. Now THEY are stable and everything else has changed. I have a whole new body and I get to experience life in a whole new way. I have new challenges of course, but they make me love my life!

I have a new man in my life and I am going to keep calling him my new man until someone gets it into my thick skull that I am not dreaming. That he is really here in my life and I didn’t just imagine him. I think one of the things that makes this situation so unbelievable is that he is a snapshot of everything I have ever asked for, ever wished for, ever dreamed about.. and then a little bit more!

And then back to Lauren… throughout all of this SHE is the MOST supportive person of my relationship with Neil. No jealousy or bitterness or anything else that I would actually accept as reaction considering how long she and I have been living together and sharing adventures together. It sounds like I expected her to be bitter or jealous and that is not at all the case, I am just saying that I would have been fine with that in her case because she and I have been so close and our lives so intertwined. She even made a comment to me that if Neil and I are not still a couple in 50 years, she would be pissed at me because she thinks he is that incredible and that we make such a great couple. That says a lot and coming from her, that means SO MUCH to me!

My heart is so full now and I had no idea it could get fuller. I feel myself falling deeper for Neil every day and even though it seems so incredibly scary that we have only been together 15 weeks, I feel like I have known him my whole life. Quite frankly I don’t give a damn how long it has been because it feels so perfect. So right. And my instincts are loud and clear that he is THE ONE!

I know he will read this blog (Hi Neil!) and I know Lauren will read it too (Hi Laur! :)) but I am not worried that Neil will know exactly how strongly I feel because we have been really clear with each other from Day 1 what our expectations are, what we want from the relationship and where we see it heading. I am living my life for today and even though I am thinking many years in advance with a general feeling of where I want to be (and who I want to be with) I am taking it one day at a time and enjoying it. As far as discussing our future, I think the fact that we're headed in the same direction is exactly the point. If anything is meant to be, it will be… and even though it may be challenging, the good things will come easily.

So as I am sitting between Laur and Neil, I count my blessings and thank what ever higher being is responsible for creating this joy in my life.

In the grand scheme of things, I have had a lot of shit in my life. I apologize for the expletive but for any of you who has read my blog from day one, just the past few years has contained a lot of crap and then multiply that by childhood crap, teenage crap, young adult crap, relationship crap, health crap, money crap, job crap etc… (I could go on and on and on as you can see)… With all that in mind I think i deserve this. I think I have earned this. I think that I am exactly where I should be and I don’t think I have had anything come “easy” to me. Neil has come into my life after more than a decade of being single… yes.. MORE than a decade and before that decade, I never met a man so amazing! So as lucky and blessed as I feel, I think that I am due for some love, some happiness and some greatness in my life and I damn well expect things to keep getting better.

This year I get to look forward to going with Neil to England and finally meeting his family. To see where he comes from. A whole new chapter in our relationship and I can’t wait to see what happens next.

As for Lauren, my only real wish for her is that she find the kind of love that I have found because she deserves it too. I have no doubt that she will find that in her life.. when the time is right… but until then, I remain her sister, her best friend, her buddy! And she will never be the third wheel in my relationship with Neil because she is equal and we both adore her!

So I leave you with a whole lot of rambling and I thank you for getting this far! I hope you all have a wonderful summer and an amazing July!

Missing June, Catching up, 11 1/2 weeks (or 24 days or 2 1/2 months?)

2009-06-01T23:58:00.001-06:00

It has been a long time since my last blog post. Almost 2 months… In that 2 months, a lot has happened. I tend to have a lot going on in my life but this was something more.

Almost exactly one month after my last blog, my Stepmom June passed away. It happened so damn fast. I can’t believe it. I was asked to write her obituary and eulogy before she died, and that was just so hard to fathom at the time. How could I start writing about someone who was still alive? But I wanted to write it and was hoping to be able to read it to her before she died. But I didn’t really get the opportunity. Around the time of my last blog, I planned a trip down to Lethbridge with Neil. I wanted to introduce them. I wanted her to meet him. about a week after I decided to plan my trip down, we found out that June really wasn’t doing well. She wasn’t eating and they started looking into palliative care. A week after that, we had our BBQ and my dad and June were supposed to come to Calgary to see Thomas the Train with Debbie and Michael. June wasn’t well enough to make it so dad came up alone. That weekend, while my dad was in Calgary, June was admitted to palliative care. We couldn’t believe how quickly things were progressing :( Our planned trip to Lethbridge was the following weekend but by Wednesday of that week, June was already so drugged up and out of it that she wasn’t talking and she wasn’t on IV. The night before I went to Lethbridge, I had a dream about June. She walked into a room and she looked fantastic! She was healthy, happy and she smiled at me. She was telling me she was ok. Her hair was short and in a style I hadn’t seen before. I thought that dream was so peaceful.

By the time Neil and I got down there on the weekend, she was completely unresponsive. I cried. I couldn’t believe how she looked. Her hair was identical to the style she had in my dream but she looked so skinny and weak. It was awful :( Neil and I stayed overnight and spent time with my dad. We stayed at the hospital as much as we could. They kept saying “just a few more days”.

Later the following week (Wednesday), Lauren and I went to Lethbridge to help my dad out a bit. We spent the night with June while my dad went home. We spent the entire time in Lethbridge in the hospital with June. There for her just in case she needed us. We went back to Calgary on Thursday night. Friday morning (very early), my dad called to let us know that June passed away that morning. What a huge relief that she is no longer suffering, but what a horrible thing to happen. She was only 69. One month from her 70th birthday. Then began prep for the funeral. Memorial Cards, the Obituary and the Eulogy. The worst week of my life thus far. I barely slept the whole time.. I couldn’t stop thinking about my dad and June. Thankfully, Debbie went to Lethbridge to keep my dad company.

So now that things have changed and life has shifted so dramatically, I find myself on the edge of a wormhole. Sort of fighting the current that is about to suck me in. I have so much I want to do, and so much I want to accomplish but not enough energy or motivation for it. Now that June is gone, my dad needs all sorts of help with garage sale, getting the house in order and generally just providing moral support. I am tired. I am in a funky and bad sleeping pattern and I need to get it ship shape!

So Neil and I have been together now for 11 1/2 weeks. It feels like longer only because we are so comfortable together. He is quite frankly perfect for me. We were made for each other and not to be too cliché, we are like hand in glove. I love him. Every bit of him. And at the risk of sounding really mushy and sending you all to puke, he is my soul mate. I really do love him with all of my heart. We have officially exchanged house keys too!!!

Anyway, it is bed time. This summer will be a busy one for sure. We are planning more things with my dad and will be helping him with garage sales etc..

Well I hope my next post is on more happy things because I call tell you that I foresee great and amazing things to come!!!

Potential Career Change?? At the very least, a shift in perspective...

2009-04-15T08:19:00.003-06:00

I had my class at Mount Royal last night. I am taking a variety of courses for the Professional Business Communications certificate. So far, I have completed one course, am in the middle of the second course and I start the third course tomorrow. The fourth of the series is starting in a week or so.

I am taking this certificate program for two reasons. Both professional and personal. I want to develop my professional skills and beef up my resume, but I also want to develop my personal skills and grow as an individual. As I move through this process though, I start to realize that I am much further ahead than I once thought and part of that discovery is because of my confidence level. Now that I have been in class rooms with other people, I can see how much more confident I am in the grand scheme of things compared to others, and how good I feel about myself.

I was talking to Neil and Lauren both last night about a potential career change. I wasn't thinking of quitting my current job or anything, but I realized after this last class that I really do love speaking to people about things that matter to me.. It is such a rush and a huge boost of adrenaline. I was thinking maybe doing some teaching myself one day or perhaps doing some motivational speaking... I think this is something I will have to explore and even though it likely won't result in an immediate career change, it will at the very least change my perspective.

This class I am in is called "Speaking with Confidence" and I am not sure if I have blogged about it before but I rated myself a 7 or 8 out of 10 on the confidence scale when the remainder of the class hovers around a 3. The instructor often relies on me to keep the class momentum up because he knows I am willing to go first on occasion etc.. and I usually have something interesting to offer. What he may not realize is that by not forcing the other people to come forward, he may not be giving them as much opportunity to learn.. who knows, I could be wrong but I try my best to not volunteer to go first etc.. because they all need to break out of their shells too!

Last night, I wasn't feeling up to going to class much less doing a speech so I kind of purposely didn't bother writing my 5 min speech I was supposed to.. oops! And when I sat down in class I immediately confessed my sins to the instructor who offered to call my higher being of choice for my forgiveness, and then promptly asked if I would be willing to do an impromptu speech.

So impromptu it was.. I feel more comfortable with that anyway.. so I gave him two choices of topics.. 1) How I lost nearly 1/2 of myself (we all know what thats about) and 2) Trusting your gut instincts.

He chose the latter and I did a speech on an incident I had where I learned that my gut instincts are very clearly defined and that I am glad I trust them. The story is pretty crazy and most my friends have heard it.. (if you haven't, I would be happy to share in person but I don't want to blog about it).

Anyway.. the speech was supposed to be 5 minutes long and at 4 1/2 mins, my instructor was supposed to give me a time warning. I needed this desperately to learn how to judge time etc..
So I got up and started telling my story and felt so incredibly alive up there in front of the group. And towards the end of my story, the instructor held up his hand as my 30 second warning... and I summed things up...

The speech went marvelously. People were enthralled and fascinated. I had all of their attention and I loved it!!! The only problem was... My instructor was so wrapped up in the speech, that he forgot to watch the clock and let me go for 8 minutes and 33 seconds!!!!! Now those of you who know me, know that I have a number thing.. 8's and 3's... and it gave me chills when he told me I went for 8:33!!!

Anyway.. he had nothing bad to say, no criticism and complimented me in his feedback.. so I had to tell him what I thought I needed to work on... I confessed that I feel like I need a better and clearer understanding of how long a second, minute, 5 mins etc.. is.. and that I think that once you can grasp the concept of time, you can really control it rather than be at its mercy. At that second, I saw his eyes widen and although I don't think I really told him anything he didn't already know, I think I enlightened him a little bit as to a new way of thinking about this class.

So now, next week I have another 5 min speech and this one is supposed to be researched, prepared and outlined.. crap lol.. I think I may have set my personal bar a little higher than I expected to.. everyone was telling me that they are looking forward to hearing what is next!

I have some topics on the top of my mind that I could present... I could talk about my surgery, I could talk about June or I could choose something I have always wanted to learn...

We'll have to see!

A heavy heart…

2009-04-14T18:16:00.001-06:00

I have had a lot of good things happening in my life lately. I am dating an amazing man… I am healthier than I have been my entire life, and I am (in general) happy with my life.

But today, I received some news which really made me sad… made me realize that we can’t give up on the things that make us happy or take anything for granted because we really don’t get to control how everything goes.

My Stepmom June was in town today for another Cancer checkup and even though I don’t completely understand the details, the prognosis is not good. I haven’t been told of a timeframe but according to her and my dad, they are not going to treat the cancer any longer. They are going to ride it out, make her as comfortable as possible and just try to make the best of things.

Wow.. what a shock..

Even though I knew deep down that this was not going to be an easy battle, I had not let myself deal with the possibility that she would stop fighting it… I can’t say I blame her… For what the treatments were doing to her, I can see not wanting to continue… but in my own selfish way, I wish she would just to see if something else might work.

Ultimately it is her decision but it takes me to a darker place when I think about my own mortality and I cannot even begin to imagine what she is thinking about… how she is dealing with it.

I feel so lucky and blessed with one aspect of my life and then so saddened by another.. it seems like nothing is all positive all the time and that makes me really sad.

All in all I just want her to be happy and I want she and my dad to spend a ton of time together. I can only hope that they will make the absolute most of the next weeks/months/years?…

Anyway, I am off to my class and not feeling much like being happy and sociable so I wanted to vent to this blog a bit. I can’t say it made me feel any better, but I am sure it doesn’t hurt.

So if any of you reading this feel inclined, please send some positive thoughts/prayers in June’s direction.. I know she would really appreciate it!

Thanks!

New and wonderful things…

2009-04-06T21:51:00.001-06:00

I didn’t get around to blogging about my Toronto trip and I am not too upset about that. The fact is, I have been busy! Ok ok so I know that’s not new… but this is different. I am busy because I am dating this fantastic guy… someone I am feeling really lucky to know… Someone I am feeling really lucky to be with!

In all honesty, I am terrified… Terrified about how strongly I feel about this guy… He makes me feel so fantastic and safe and comfortable and secure when I am around him… and that is the most terrifying feeling!! I feel that everything I have ever hoped for is coming true and it makes me wonder if that is really possible…?

For now, all I can do is let it happen, enjoy the ride and see where life takes me… and for the record, in writing… no matter what happens, I know I am following my instincts, following my heart and living my life in a way that makes me happy… and if that is a risk, I am willing to take it!

On a side note, I had the most fantastic Saturday… the most fantastic date! We drove out to Canmore together and went to the Iron Goat restaurant. The sun was shining and it really couldn’t have been a more beautiful day. The restaurant had great food and the view of the mountains was even better. After lunch, we walked a bit in Canmore (a very little bit) but it was so nice just spending time together, browsing shops and having tea. I think it was wonderful! My only regret from that day was that we only got a few photos… we took the long way home too which was nice (except for the dead horse on the side of the road). Neil DJ’d the trip with his Ipod and I couldn’t have asked for a better day!

And with that, we’ll see where things go from here :)

Airport Observations and Travelling in General

2009-03-31T19:13:00.001-06:00

As I sit here at the airport waiting to catch a flight home, I look around at all the other people here.. Wondering where they are going, where they came from and why they are travelling.

This time, I am travelling for fun. Not so much for relaxation, but for a break from the day to day…

So while waiting, I decide to use the washroom and am immediately greeted by a machine that dispenses a variety of goodies depending on what you require. What continually surprises me is that they dispense Condoms… Condoms! Really? Are people so sexually charged that it has become the “norm” to have sex on planes? Or in the airport terminal? Or.. perhaps the second they get off their flight, they really want to get off? ;P If that is the case, I have seriously been missing out on some action! I suppose it is possible that it could be “wishful thinking” that the vendors are counting on ;P In essence, at the airport you can buy everything you need for a hot date right in the airport bathroom… Gum, perfume, condoms & temporary tattoos… HOT! ;) (On a side note, I saw condoms for sale in a dollar store the other day… who in the heck is willing to trust a dollar store condom? I mean imagine the little box with the “Lucky” brand logo?)

I remember as a child being at the airport when relatives arrived from Germany. It was such a different place then… You could stand at a large window overlooking all of the planes.. it was so close I felt like I could reach out and touch the wings. I remember the feeling of wonder and amazement.. these people travelling so far and so quickly, and being from a different country, it was as if they had come from another planet!

Well, now a days, I still see people at the airport that seem to have come from another planet… but not in an amazing and magical way…

I sit here hearing the beeping from people going through the security gates and suddenly the amazement and wonder that used to be associated with airports has become tedious and stressful and noisy. I guess safety is important enough to me that I appreciate the precautions but I wish there was a way to make it more organic… Lucky for me, the trip tends to contain my wonder and amazement now. Both the departure and arrival are exciting for me… On the way there, I look forward to the unknowns, the new things I will see and experience and the food.. oh the glorious food… ;P On the way back, it is the excitement to get back to my own bed, my kitties, my family and friends, my boyfriend (who deserves a special mention).

Finally, I look forward to getting back to the day to day that makes life what it is… because in reality life isn’t about those side trips, and vacations.. those things are special because they aren’t a regular occurrence. I have made a great day to day life for myself and I have filled it with people and animals and things that make me happy. So for me, the best part of the trip is having gone and enjoyed and then coming home to the day to day…

Anyway, that’s enough airport blogging for me :) Happy Tuesday!

Pia

Looking forward, and people that make me giggle!

2009-03-23T22:00:00.001-06:00

I wanted to start this off with a happy note about my personal life! I have finally found someone worthy of being called my boyfriend.

I have told a good handful of people (well more than can actually fit in my hand!) What a dumb phrase! :P The reaction varies depending on who they are and the place they have in my life.

Those who have known me for years and have seen me change and grow, the people that have the most respect for me are so amazingly excited! They are all 100% supportive…

Then there are certain people who have also been in my life a long time and have known me for NOT dating and especially not sharing guys that are in my life with them.. Those people don’t seem to believe me.. they seem to act like I have an imaginary boyfriend.. I guess waiting until I actually introduce them to him!

Lastly, there are the people who don’t know me as well, who don’t understand who I am.. they are the ones that I tend to avoid.. they make negative comments and seem more jealous than happy for me..

The fact is, I don’t really care what anyone else thinks. Ultimately this whole thing is between me and him.. and no matter what, no matter what happens, no matter where things lead, no matter what the future holds, I will always know that I listened to my instincts, my brain, my heart and my intuition.

For those who are supportive, encouraging and excited for me, I thank you and cherish having you in my life!

So now for the people that make me giggle… (All of these happened today!!!)

1) Talking to Michelle H. at work today and even though she knew I had no clue what she was about to ask me, she asked anyway and when I let out an apparently devilish laugh, she giggled and we shared a belly busting laugh! She was already half giggling before she asked the question… She may as well have asked me to recite the Arabic alphabet!!!

2) Stepping into the elevator and seeing Michelle D. OMG I nearly lost it when I saw her face.. let me tell you about Michelle D. She is one of those people that I mentioned above that I absolutely cherish! She knows about that special someone in my life and when I stepped into the elevator, she looked at me, grinned and even with a full elevator, we shared a giggle! Neither of us really had to say anything.. it just too a look and a smile and I nearly burst with the joy and laughter that was contained within me! She’s pretty excited for me ;P

3) On the way out of the office I stopped at the news stand. I was picking up a large stack of magazines to take to my niece in the hospital. As I was heading back to where Lauren was picking me up, I overhear a conversation between 3 “suits”…

Suit #1 - “Hey, are you a snowboarder or a skier?”

Suit #2 - “Both”

Suit #1 - “So you go both ways then?”

Suit #2 - “Yep”

Suit #1 & #3 – *Muffled Smirks!!! followed by boisterous laughter*

Poor guy didn’t see it coming.. and it was subtle but it was funny!

I actually giggled the whole way down to the car!!

4) My Nephew.. I saw him today and he has really grown up.. It seems that every time I see him, he learns something new… the thing that makes me giggle, is HIS giggle! Tickling him is so much fun! He has the most adorable laugh and I am seeing him really becoming a little man! I love him so much!!!

5) My stepmom.. I saw her today and I saw a side of her that I haven’t seen in a long time! She was cracking subtle jokes and teasing me about my new beau… it was so funny to see her giggling after making jokes at my expense.. she is so funny and she really does bring out the best in my dad! She’s incredible and as much as I worry about her, I am amazed by her!

6) My new beau… text message… he knows what I am talking about.. that’s all I am going to say about that! ;)

So that’s it for tonight… I just want to end this with another THANK YOU to all the people in my life who are so amazing, special, supportive, encouraging, positive and just down right AWESOME! You know who you are!!! Love you all!

Pia!

Life lessons, fortunes and a secret blog??

2009-03-17T23:42:00.001-06:00

I discovered today (as I was daydreaming about the things happening in my life right now) that it is about time I start writing down my private thoughts into a sort of diary or secret blog. It will be as intermittent as this blog is, but will be a place I can jot down all of those feelings and hopes and dreams that I want to send out into the universe but that I want to keep for myself… for now. Every girl needs a diary right? I feel like I am really fortunate lately and I have no issues sharing my life, but I figure some thoughts are mine alone but one day I will want to look back!!

Speaking of fortunes.. something interesting to report.. A week ago, Lauren and I had Chinese food for dinner. I got a fortune cookie and my fortune was.. “Watch for a new relationship to develop within the month.” Today, someone left a bowl full of fortune cookies in the kitchen at work so I grabbed a few and I had the same fortune!! :) Not that I live my life according to fortune cookies, but it is a fun coincidence.

Oooh I almost forgot to mention.. today at work, I won a limerick contest! Ok so I know I have been a poet for a long time, but it was cool because I actually didn’t expect to win! I don’t normally write limericks!! I won the U2 Singles CD, an Irish pub song & Jig CD and the movie “The Commitments”. Pretty cool!

I started a new class tonight. “Speaking with Confidence!” What an amazing class with a really fantastic instructor and group of students.

I learned today that I have this inner voice spewing negative crap on a regular basis. I often hear the voice and ignore it when I should be listening for it and getting rid of it! That voice has been responsible for every ounce of self consciousness I have ever felt!

I think what made me learn about this and “get it” so quickly, was seeing all these other people say they had crippling fear of speaking publicly and then not even noticing their nerves when they actually spoke. When I was speaking, I felt like my voice cracked, hands were shaking, face started to redden and I thought I was stammering.. but the feedback I got was telling me the opposite!

Now, I am far from a perfect public speaker but this really illustrates how we completely sabotage ourselves! Who says we can’t achieve all we dream about?? I learned that all an audience wants is what they came for.. so by letting our nerves get the best of us, we are only screwing things up for ourselves because not one person in the audience is thinking “oh this speaker sucks”, they are thinking “ok what’s this person have to say?”

Ok I know I am rambling!

Tomorrow, I have another looooooooong day ahead with another class but after this week my Wednesdays free up for a little while!

Also, on the subject of free time, I also managed to hand off all of my work for my second job/contract which won’t actually give me more free time, but will eliminate the guilt that was preventing me from taking advantage of and enjoying the free time I have!

Besides, I have some really good things on the horizon to potentially fill up my free time! :)

Ok that’s it for now ;)

Wow.. What a twist!

2009-03-15T23:00:00.001-06:00

I have to say, the universe always keeps my life exciting! Granted, I often create or seek out my own excitement but sometimes, the universe steps in and tosses something in my direction that just makes me happy!

Saturday night, I had the best first date! I am not going to detail it all because quite frankly, I am not going to kiss and tell.. but I can assure you that it was fantastic. I will definitely never forget it and am so happy that there will indeed be a second!

There are so many weird rules I have heard in my lifetime about what to do/not to do on a first date and you know what, I think I broke more than half of them.. and I don’t care! I think it all comes down to acting naturally and feeling the moment. Had it been with another person, I can almost guarantee that things would have gone differently. The fact is, if there is a connection, nothing can mess it up. If it doesn’t work, it must not have been meant to be. I know I know, much easier to say than to experience. Sorry. I am typing from a really happy place right now :)

Of course I don’t want to get ahead of myself. I am taking it all one day at a time and I am giving myself permission to be as excited as I want to be and to just trust my instincts. In the end, if it doesn’t work out like I hope it will, I’ll never regret living in the moment and being myself. It is really all I can do!

I’m keeping this one short and sweet but I wanted to write about March 14th, 2009!

People and the things they do…

2009-03-09T22:24:00.001-06:00

Every day that I am alive, people surprise and amaze me. Unfortunately there are also people who disappoint me but lucky for you, this post is not about them!

I was reminded the other day by someone that I respect and admire, that we as human beings tend to put more effort and time into some friendships more than others.

I think I do that very thing. I put more effort into some relationships more than others. Whether it be family or friends, respect and reciprocity are two critical factors in a strong relationship. I have to admire or respect my friends in some way and the effort I put in to our relationship has to be reciprocated.

Sometimes, this means that certain friendships are lost or people grow apart, but to quote a popular poem, we have friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my friendships lately. Reevaluating the difference between a really quality friendship and a “convenient” friendship. I think I tend to keep “friends” in both categories but am sad when I realize that certain friends fall into the convenient category.. but when the friend fits into the quality category, I just feel so lucky.

I had a chat with a great friend last week. A convenient friendship that has since evolved into quality. Something I didn’t expect. I also had a great chat with a close friend today. I was reminded that even though we haven’t spent a lot of time together over the past few months due to her new relationship, we still have a bond that is really solid and a level of trust and respect that is amazing.

While at Second Cup with that friend, we were waiting for my drink and the two women behind the counter at Second cup kept saying “Pssssssssssssssssst” to get my attention. When I finally turned around, they commented “By the way, you look Great!!!”. I was so flattered and it really made my afternoon. See? People amaze me! I almost don’t know how to react anymore though. Can it really get that much better? Not that I think I am perfect, but how much more amazed can people be when they see me? The changes (at least to me) seem so minor now.

Anyway, I am also amazed by a particular individual that I have been working with lately. By the way, by amazed, I don’t mean in a good way. This particular individual is married and as we all know, I am single.. and I am sure (I hope) he isn’t intentionally trying to make me uncomfortable but I have been on the receiving end of a whole lot of flirting lately. Who knows, he could be innocently thinking he is being clever and funny etc.. but after making a comment about buying me lunch.. or dinner, I just think there is an invisible line that is being stepped over slightly. (I have received a second opinion on this from a friend as well!)

The thing is, I would never ever ever even consider going for lunch or dinner with this guy. As a single woman, his behavior towards me has been borderline and quite frankly, even if he thinks it is innocent, going out for lunch (or dinner for that matter) with a married man isn’t a situation I want to be a part of. In a group, it isn’t the same thing but just one on one? If the situation was different and I was the wife, I know how I would feel.. I would rather be single forever than be a home wrecker.

Don’t get me wrong, this guy is very nice and charming and has never physically done anything to compromise the situation, but sometimes innuendo can be a really cloudy enigma. I just think being a single woman puts me in a situation where I have to be super careful how I take comments and flirting that I receive. It is hard to hear the flirts and comments because I am actually desiring that sort of attention from men in my personal life and when it is offered in a situation where you’re not supposed to be receiving it, there is awkwardness!

On a side note, I have noticed a plethora of married men not wearing wedding rings.. Just reminds me that there is no way to know for sure so I have to assume they are all married! Men, Wear your rings!

Anyway… I think that people are fascinating. I honestly should have gone into psychology because I am just so amazed at the human brain and would love to study why people do the things they do. Maybe that’s what makes me so crazy in the dating scene… I am so wrapped up in why people tick that I overanalyze things and drive myself nuts!

Ooooh completely off topic, I almost forgot to mention… March 30th is supposed to be the Premiere episode of Glutton for Punishment on the Food Network. Some of you may remember that during Stampede last summer I watched Bob Blumer break the Guinness Book of World Records record for most pancakes made in an hour.. and being that I was there at the taping, I inevitably ended up being filmed and unless there is a lot of editing, I should be on the show!!! I am hoping to PVR it on my computer! I guess I have had more than 15 minutes of fame but I’ve been having fun :)

To sum all of this up, I really don’t have anything profound to say. I wish I could say something cool or clever that makes all of this become homogenous but really, it just is what it is. It may make me seem like a really messed up single woman and that would be mostly true, but is also just reiterates that people are unpredictable and nothing is ever truly known for sure.

People.. and some people’s kids.. Seriously?? Seriously!

2009-02-23T22:16:00.001-07:00

I’m not quite sure where to begin. I have been completely shocked by the behavior of people lately. I shouldn’t be surprised.. I have seen it all before.. but somehow I hope and wish that things would get better.. that people would evolve and that they would learn and grow and be normal. But I think that may have been too much to ask.. too much to hope for!

For starters, I hid my profiles on 2 dating sites. I was getting the most disturbing requests. I know I have posted a couple encounters on here before but they have gotten worse.. not better! I just had to get away from that scene. The other site I hid my profile on hasn’t been that bad but I’ve decided to stick to the one with the most normal people!! I am seriously tired of being disappointed in people’s behavior!

On the subject of normal.. what exactly is normal anyway? I co-hosted a party this past weekend and at the end of the night offered up leftover pizza and chips to the guests to take home. I figured that they may as well enjoy it because it was left over. My co-host and I paid for all the provisions and half of the total pizza cost out of pocket. We also brought several things from home. One guest helped himself to left over pizza, and then started filling baggies with chips. Finally, he went into the fridge and helped himself to the last two cans of coke. I explained 3 times… 3 times!!! that I was going to bring them home, that I would drink them and that they were mine to take.. (I paid for them after all) but he insisted and took them anyway. Ok so I am dwelling on that one a bit but basically I was shocked that even after telling him no 3 times, he still felt it was perfectly ok to help himself. We usually save the leftover cans of pop for the next party since we have them fairly frequently. I was just so appalled!

Today, I was walking towards the coffee shop in my building and I had to pass through a doorway. A very nice gentleman held the door open for me but as I was about half way through, another man literally barged past me to the point where I had to back out of the doorway to get out of his way. He was completely insolent!

Of course I spent the next 5 minutes of my journey to coffee being greeted by multiple people wishing me a good morning by name. Co-workers, Ralph from Second Cup etc.. That was nice and brought me back to my happy place :)

I am hoping that I am not just becoming really critical of the world and that my expectations aren’t outrageous. I simply want to see people be better.. be more respectful, more patient, more honest, more sincere, more normal… There’s that word again! I think normal is a fair expectation…

Princeton’s definition of normal is: conforming with or constituting a norm or standard or level or type or social norm; not abnormal

Merriam Webster defines normal as: of, relating to, or characterized by average intelligence or development : free from mental disorder : sane

Sane… there’s a word I usually don’t pair with “normal” but there it is..

I am working through my issues with the lack of normalcy that I am surrounded by. People do tend to shock and surprise me.. not because what they do or say is new to me or something I haven’t experienced before, but because I have higher expectations of them. I have hope that they will shock me for good reasons.. and deep down I want to be surrounded by really good quality people that I can be proud to stand next to. People that share my values and morals. I usually give the benefit of the doubt until proven wrong and really it doesn’t take much to gain my respect.. basic overall respectful “normal” common sense behavior… but it can all go away so quickly.. I can lose respect as quickly as it was earned when one of my core values is challenged.. and recovering from that, re-earning my respect is a much longer process..

Now don’t go jumping to any conclusions here. I don’t claim to be completely normal myself. I think I am fairly normal but I definitely deviate from the norm on occasion.. but luckily I am able to pull it back to the median long enough to make you all THINK I am normal ;) Ok so anyone who knows me already saw right through that.. my life isn’t interesting enough to let me stray from normal for very long at all ;)

On second thought.. would collecting 71 corks and having them spilleth over from my purse during Winefest be considered normal? Muahahahaha

Long story short.. I think people in general should be polite, respectful, aware of how their actions impact others (as perceptive as they can be) and really just be normal some of the time. Deviating from normal for too long is a dangerous path which I can only assume is nearly impossible to escape from.. at least judging by the people I have been meeting recently.

Just not that into me??

2009-02-20T01:07:00.001-07:00

I am having one heck of a month so far.. I’ve been on a great dinner date which ended up leading to nothing.. and I have been contacted by an insane number of men I am absolutely not interested in.

I have to say I am disappointed in my dinner date. We had a great time and afterwards he actually said he wanted to get to know me better.. and then I didn’t hear from him again. I know he isn’t dead and I can guarantee you he knows how to get in touch with me. Bottom line.. He wasn’t that into me! Unfortunate but true.

Speaking of “He’s Just not that Into you”, I saw that movie last week and I have to tell you, it was not that good. If you’re in a solid relationship or married it is probably a hilarious movie but for the average single woman, it hits a little too close to home to be funny!

So I have been resorting to online dating. Its a relatively easy way to meet guys without the bar scene. Let me tell you, I have never before so badly wanted to resort back to the bar scene! Online dating SUCKS!!!

In the past few weeks I have been contacted by many men (mainly on Lavalife) who have expressed interest in me. Now keeping in mind that i am 34… I have had several 25 year olds & 46-51 year olds contact me. Half of them are too young and just looking for a “sugar mama” and the other half are divorced and looking for a playboy bunny. Then there is the matter of the guys actually in my age range… here is how it all goes down…

Him: Hey, you looking for a good time?

Me: ?? Not looking for a fling!

Him: me neither. wanna call me?

Me: no, not a phone person. Would rather just meet for a coffee.

Him: (no answer for 5 mins)

Me: *poke*

Him: I would like to poke you but not in that way

Me: Action – Block User :P

!!!

And then there was…

Him: Hi

Me: Hi

(Insert random conversation here)

Me: If you want, we can meet for coffee

Him: Sure

Him: Wanna come over and cuddle?

Me: You don’t even know me!

Him: I know

Me: Action – Block user ;P

!!!

Seriously, I think I am being punked! There is no way that one person can attract so many weirdos in such a short period of time and not have even ONE normal guy. It definitely leaves me questioning whether or not I should even be trying to find someone..

I don’t think normal is too much to ask for.

So on another topic in this same category, I read that reading men's magazines can put you more in touch with male thought pattern.. So.. I went out and bought: Details, GQ and esquire. Here is what I learned…

1) Men's magazines are FILLED with pictures of half naked men which was a pleasant surprise but also a little unnerving.

2) Men's magazines are FUNNY! The sense of humor is different and far more gritty.. I like it.

3) Men are under a lot of pressure to get ripped/buff and the two page spread of boxer shorts is proof. I think men may actually be under MORE pressure than women when it comes to ads.

4) Men's magazines are slightly more delusional than women's magazines. This one magazine actually made it seem like the average guy could “get with” Eva Mendez just by meeting some normal everyday criteria of hers. *Note* No man reading that magazine has a chance with Eva Mendez. Not because they didn’t meet the criteria and not for lack of trying.. but simply because she is a hot celebrity and she lives in a whole other universe. Men really shouldn’t take it personally and they shouldn’t gauge their next relationship on what they missed out on with Eva.

5) Men's fashion isn’t as boring as I assumed it would be but it isn’t that exciting either.

6) Having two separate magazines with articles pertaining to blow-up dolls and how they are superior to a relationship with a real woman is probably why I am having my encounters on lavalife :(

7) All magazines feed a specific line of thought. People in general will focus on the things that are surrounding them.. this is the whole reason magazines are so popular.. its practically brain washing. If that is actually the case, magazines could be an intellectual weapon!

I seriously need to chill out a bit with all this.. but I am planning on going speed dating at the end of the month.. It has been a year since the last attempt and I have changed a lot since then. Also, I am sick and tired of internet dating.. let me have some face to face time with these guys!

Ok bed time..

February 4, 2009 – Single is as Single does…

2009-02-04T22:18:00.001-07:00

I am sitting here at Higher Grounds in Kensington taking in a peppermint tea and a warm fireplace. I sit here alone waiting for Lauren just enjoying the atmosphere.

I just got an email update about my niece and I have to say that she truly amazes me. The more I hear about her ordeal and recovery, the more amazed I am!

Now on to the main reason for my blog...

So I sit here alone and ponder the world I am living in. Mainly the single world where now more than ever, focus is being placed on being single. So many songs on the radio about it and even worse than that, reality tv shows (and reality radio shows) try to hook people up with the idea that somehow amazingly, you can hook up two strangers and bada boom bada bing, they are in love and ready to be married.

I keep hearing all these radio ads about singles events for Valentines Day and it just bugs me. How are single women not supposed to feel the pressure of being single when they are surrounded by the constant reminder that they are alone?

I was told the other day that single people who are actually looking for love emit some sort of invisible beacon which repels the opposite sex as if they had the absolute worst body odor. It would explain a lot because I have been single for a long time and I have been "keeping an eye out" even if not actively looking for love and I am definitely not experiencing a mad rush of eligible suitors banging down my door. Quite frankly, as confident as I feel in myself and as happy my life is, I am seeing a terrible lack of attention from the opposite sex. Well that isn't entirely true. I seem to get a lot of attention from men "looking for sex" but not for anything with real meaning. Go figure.

I decided to join a dating site hoping that something had changed over the past year since I last attempted the online dating jungle.. sadly nothing has changed but I remain optimistic that my Mr. Right will come and take over for my potential Mr. Right Now. Yes, you see not only has my overall outlook on life changed, but so has my outlook on relationships. I am over being hung up on finding "The One".. life is too short and I am getting tired of being so "proper" in my mind set. So right now I will happily enjoy Mr. Right Now

One thing that doesn't help is that I am also surrounded by single women in my life. All looking for "the one".. All are my competition and all are my friends. Its hard to not feel competition even though we are all technically different and looking for someone different. Unfortunately we are all in the same boat.. we don't know who that perfect person is.. so we are all looking at a broad range of men which overlap with each others preferences. It sucks!

From my perspective, it seems like there are a million single women and not one single "eligible" man that is actually looking for a relationship VS. a fling.. My experience has found a ton of gay, married or otherwise taken men and not a lot else. I also seem to be getting plenty of attention from men well above my preferred age range.

Let me explain the age range thing because I don't want to alienate anyone because of age. As a matter of fact, I am not an ageist person.. but there is some truth to the fact that age and lifestyle tend to coincide.. I am 34 this year and I am hard pressed to find a man my age without a wife and kids.. or at the very least an engagement ring.. Likewise, all the men in their mid 40's (which is at the top end of my range) have had their kids, seen them through teen years and are seeing them move out of the house! I am still looking to have kids of my own! It is hard to imagine finding someone in that age range looking to have babies now after their kids have already moved out.. so then I wonder if having kids is really meant to be.. for me..

So this brings me back to this invisible vibe I apparently emit... So basically what they (the proverbial "they") are saying is that I don't have a hope in hell as long as I am single because I will always have an eye open for the possibility and thus will always emit this horrid beacon of desperation sending the opposite sex running and screaming? Oi. So perhaps having a "Mr. Right Now" will scramble that invisible beacon and open the force field for romance?

I would like to think that matters of the heart are a little less predictable than that, and perhaps there is still a chance that the right one is out there looking for me. I can just imagine him sitting in a coffee bar somewhere on the other side of the city.. pondering the exact same thing.. or maybe he is on the other side of this coffee bar.. somewhere on the other side of the fireplace...

I have faith that what is meant to be, will be and in the meanwhile.. I will have as much fun as humanly possible!

If I have learned anything from my niece Jessica's story.. is that life is way too short to settle for less than you deserve... and at the very least why not have a ton of fun while you’re waiting?

My life.. the drama, and everything to come..

2009-01-26T22:21:00.004-07:00

2009 sure has been eventful so far. I am not sure what to expect for the year but I know that it is going to be one hell of a challenge.

I think I have mentioned this before but I really feel like I am starting out fresh again with no experience in life. I am embarking on the process of accepting and dealing with the changes I have made in my life but because I am neurotic, I can't stop myself from diving into new things head first. I am sticking my fingers into tasks at work that I really don't have time for and my brain is starting to hurt. On top of it all I went ahead and accepted a new project with my "side job" which will put my main project behind. Ugh I am just messed up! I really do feel like an infant learning to walk again.. so many things to adjust to and so much going on in parallel. I want so badly to snap my fingers and have everything be as it should be, but we all know that's just the way it is in Disney films.

On top of all that there is still the never ending drama of my love life.. or lack there of.. I've had some recent encounters which have been flattering and confusing and have left me no better off than where I started. Actually that is somewhat of a lie. I think I have learned something.. I learned that it is really easy to get sucked into a bad situation with flattery but that my conscience was quick enough to stop me from getting in too deep.. so I am feeling good about that!

I did discover that I was putting on a bit of a facade about being "content" with my single life. In reality, it is on my mind when I go to bed at night and when I wake up in the morning.

No, I don't obsess over it and quite frankly the images in my brain are far from wedding bells and babies but there is this little thing in the back of my mind that is longing to find him.. whoever he is.. and it sits there like the devil on my shoulder whispering in my ear.. "You're single, you're alone, you won't be having sex tonight, no kisses... no nothing..." And no matter how happy I am with my career, my family, my accomplishments or my friends, I am still missing a vital piece of my yet unfinished puzzle.

I guess it all comes down to the fact that I will never ever be desperate enough to settle for less than I deserve and whoever I end up choosing will be perfect for me.. and me for him. I will be as patient as I need to be.. and I definitely won't settle. I joined Match.com but for some reason my profile isn't appearing in searches so I am frustrated. We'll see if that site has any potential over the next few months..

Anyway, long story short.. nothing has changed weight-wise, I am happy in general and I have good feelings about my dating prospects this year. I am hopeful! We'll see!

A new Year, time to get busy! -219 (247lbs)

2009-01-06T08:08:00.001-07:00

I weighed myself this morning. 247lbs.. that’s a total loss to date of 219lbs! Only 14 lbs from having lost half of myself.

This past holiday season has been pretty stressful on me. I made some realizations, had a lot of work to do and didn't get much relaxation at all.

Christmas was nice. Nothing spectacular or remarkable. It was weird and unusual and not at all like I envision the ideal Christmas.. but then again, things in my life have changed..

So, on to my realization...

My whole world has been turned upside down over the past year and a half. I have lost nearly half of myself physically and I have had the opportunity to experience a whole new life. I can do things I never even realized I couldn't do because I never had the inclination to try. I feel different and often have a moment of shock or disbelief when I look in the mirror or put on clothing in a store .. especially when I got my 2 Reitmans XL sweaters.. not even plus sized!!!!!

For months now I have been just raring to go.. change change change.. bring on the change, lets go. No time to rest.. lets just keep the positive changes happening... Last year alone, I took acting classes, joined a choir, traveled to various locations in Canada 4 times! I got a second job, another contract doing documentation in my spare time (of which I had none in the first place). I joined a gym and got a personal trainer. I started a new job! Bought a whole lot of new clothes in rapidly decreasing sizes. I know there were other changes too but these ones stand out in my mind today.

On this day 1 year ago, I weighed 352lbs. That means, in the past year, I lost 105lbs!
That’s a lot of change and shift happening.

By about October I started to feel a bit depressed. I wasn't happy and I was feeling the pressure of all the new adventures I was trying to get myself into. I started to feel like I wasn't able to keep up with my own life and really felt like I had to stay in constant catch-up mode.

What I realized, is that my continual push for constant change, my desire to push forward at full speed, was my way of avoiding having to deal with the changes I had already made. Instead of coping with everything that had already happened, and instead of taking a minute to slow down and absorb my new life, I just kept wanting to experience the adrenaline rush of change...

So I am working on that.. trying to resist the urge to jump into something new for a while.. I have my second job to do, and I have some major catching up to do in my day job...

So even though I am still not 100% in my happy place, I am definitely working on it. I need to chill out, relax and just enjoy the life I have. I need to get back to a place I never got to even before surgery.. I need to get my house in order and start focusing on my future.

I don't regret the past year by any means though. As a matter of fact, I am proud of my accomplishments.

My friend Connie sent me a Christmas card from Hong Kong and she made one statement that made me get really emotional. She said something like, "You have done and accomplished so much in 2008, you really have lived the year to the fullest". That hit me hard because I had the constant feeling that I wasn't doing enough.. I think that’s when my epiphany hit me!

For this year though, I am going to focus on getting my groove back.. settling down a bit and even though I may still do some traveling, I am going to not worry so much about doing more stuff, new stuff or bigger stuff.. I will just focus on doing things better.

You know, life really is what you make it. It can be as stressful as you allow it to be.. it can mean more than you could ever imagine, or it can drift by you like you're in a coma... We are all allowed to live our lives however we want.. and I want to live it well.. so that no matter what happens.. no matter when my time on this earth is up.. I can say that I lived my life to the best of my ability.. and sometimes, that means slowing down.

Happy New Year and thanks for reading!

The Jul Spirit and the Holidays

2008-12-16T12:45:00.006-07:00

The holiday spirit is slowly creeping up on me.. I can feel it at the back of my neck as the little blonde hairs raise up to greet it..

I wrapped gifts last night which was fun. A bit of a chore with the mess I created but I really love the nice ribbons and bows.

For Christmas, June is up in Calgary on the 23rd and I think it all comes down to that day to determine what happens for Christmas this year. Right now, the plan is that Lauren and I will go to Lethbridge for Christmas eve & day and spend time with my dad and June. Then Debbie and Shane head down for dad's birthday..

I also went to two Christmas parties this past weekend. I had a great date with me that night too. It was nice to be accompanied by a man for a change. As much as I enjoy single life, there is something to be said for the company of a man. The conversation is different, the energy is different... Ok so I had too much wine. I didn't get sloppy drunk or anything.. but I did feel like I was having an out of body experience at some points. I think I remember everything that happened that night and as far as I know I didn't make too much of a fool out of myself... I think my date is too much of a gentleman to tell me if I had! :P

I have to say, my shoes were terribly uncomfortable. I wasn't able to dance as I had planned either. We met up at the Palliser Hotel for party #1.. My company party. We mingled, had some wine and a nice dinner but the dinner ran until 10pm and by the time we got to party #2 - the Enmax party, Tom Cochrane was on his last song and we missed the whole show :/

All in all, it was a fun night but I have some regrets.. things I would have done differently.. I would have skipped the wine altogether, I would have picked different shoes and I would have been much less uptight. I was so concerned about the plan of the evening, that I didn't really get to enjoy either party. Next year, 1 party per night!

I must say, the biggest regret I have is not spending more time with my friends. Time just zoomed by when we were mingling and suddenly we were seated for dinner and I missed out on photos with friends. Bleh. Well I wish everyone a Merry Christmas now then!

I am excited, I still have New Years in Banff to look forward to! And then 2009. It will be a great year. I am ready for my life to have some grand and wonderful changes in 2009..

Bring.. it.. on!

Christmas? No. Jul? Yes.

2008-11-26T14:08:00.000-07:00

I had a lunch and learn session at work today at lunch and it really hit me hard. It bummed me right out.

The workshop was about Christmas and Stress.

I got so bummed out because I realized that Christmas has absolutely ZERO meaning for me right now. I sat there in the presentation listening to people talk about their plans.. baking, travelling out of province, spending time with family, shopping etc.. and it occurred to me. My Christmas is pretty much bare naked.

Growing up, we had a ton of traditions. We occasionally travelled to some family member's house for Christmas or we would have Christmas at home. We would have our traditional hot meal on Dec 24th and then the Danish traditional Smorg on Dec 25th? I can't even remember what day we did what anymore. We would have gift opening and church on Dec 24th in the evening and then stockings on the morning of the 25th. We would always have the tree decorated by Dec 1st and the whole house would be decked out until at least the first week of January.

Admittedly, when my mom and dad split up, things changed but we still kept the traditions. Even though we didn't always do exactly the same thing.. once we went to Banff and stayed in a chalet etc.. but we always had our traditions. We never had a lot. We were on social assistance for many years and I remember getting our holiday turkey from the food bank one year.. but we always had the important things...We always had the basics. Family, food, Spirit, thoughtful gifts, Decorations etc..

So what changed?

Many years ago, my sister Debbie stopped spending Dec 24th with the family and started spending it with her Danish in-laws. Her choice of course, but that changed the dynamic for us. In order to have any time with her at the holidays, we shifted our traditions around so that she wouldn't be having 2 Danish Smorg meals in a row. So Dec 24th became a bit of a chore because we would have our Danish smorg but with fewer people it was more work than it was worth it seemed. We tried to keep it going but it wasn't the same.

At the time we rarely spent any of the holidays with my dad. We more often than not spent his Birthday on Dec 27th with him but not the actual Christmas holidays. I can't even begin to imagine how his holidays shifted when my parents split up. Because the majority of our traditions were Danish focused, it was hard for us to make the choice to go to spend Christmas with him. As kids, we didn't understand how all that worked.

When my mom moved to BC, things really changed because suddenly all of the traditions were gone. We started spending the holidays with my dad and step mom more often but we hadn't created any traditions together.

In addition to the actual events at Christmas, the actual spirit of the season has lost meaning for me. I don't consider myself "Christian" anymore. I have chosen to lead a very spiritual life without any religious affiliation, which I was reminded today meant that I can't technically celebrate "Christmas". I obviously grew out of believing in Santa Claus and I don't celebrate the retail side of the season. As a matter of fact, I don't exchange gifts with my mom or grandpa anymore, and the remaining adults (6 of us) exchange names with a $50 limit so in essence, I am buying gifts for 2 people. One adult and of course my nephew who will undoubtedly get really spoiled every year.

So because my gift purchases are limited, I took like 6 items off the tree at work for the "Adopt-a-family" program and went shopping. I ended up spending like $200 on this family but it really felt good to know I was getting gifts for a family that otherwise wouldn't have had those things. Almost like giving back for the years we were on social assistance...

So what in the hell is Christmas to me now? I wish I knew.

Now I have to admit, I feel stress this year. I am worried about my step mom and things are up in the air still about how exactly we will even celebrate this year and I suppose I am lucky that I don't have any traditions that restrict me from being flexible. We may not know right up until the day before Christmas if we even get to spend the holiday with my dad and step mom this year.. all depending on her health.. I am perfectly ok with that because this year, it is about them. They have more crap to deal with than I do.

I also know full well that this "tradition breakdown" happened not just to me, but to my family as well and they may not be missing it as much as I am, but there must have been an adjustment period where they were wishing things hadn't changed too.

I guess what has me bummed out more than anything is that I am sitting here at 33 years old and Christmas is a big old piece of white paper in my mind. There is no image on it of kids tobogganing. There is no holiday meal or anything on my Christmas page. It is just pure white. If I had my own family, I could get out my markers and start painting my own new Christmas traditions and I am still trying to do that now, but its not that easy.. there is a lot I can't plan right now. Especially this year. This is not the year to set new traditions. So this year is blank.

So what Am I going to do?

Well I am putting up a tree! I love putting up a tree. For me, Christmas may as well be TreeMas because for me it is all about the tree. I actually am not a fan of real pine trees (I wouldn't want to have one in my yard but I love them in forest form). But I absolutely love my decorated Christmas tree. This is the one place that all those traditions and memories are. Ornaments collected year after year. That's where it all is for me. I have ornaments from my childhood. From my grandparents. And every year we exchange ornaments between Lauren, Debbie, my mom and I. So if there is one thing I can hang on to, it is the memories in that tree. The tree itself may be new but it is just the placeholder for all those hanging traditions and memories.

That's all. I am going to decorate a bit at work but aside from the tree, we're not decorating much else at home.

I am looking forward to New Years though. Lauren and I are going to Banff with 4 friends to ring in the New Year. We will celebrate Dec 31st at the Grizzly House and I think being in the mountains with good friends and the atmosphere of the one place that reminds me of Christmas all year long, will bring me back to my happy Christmas Place.

So after careful consideration of all of the above, I think I am going to stick to calling Christmas "Jul" which is the Danish name for the holiday. Jul means something to me and as much as I miss the Christmas of yesteryear, I am looking forward to new traditions with new friends and hopefully some day, a family of my own.

God Jul (Merry Christmas) everyone!

New Kids, recovery and the holidays...

2008-11-24T01:59:00.003-07:00

I relived my teen years this past week. I went to the New Kids on the Block concert here in Calgary and I loved it. Dare I say it was actually better than their concert back in the day?!

Debbie and I had pretty average seats that I won on the radio (yes I am grateful!) but after the opening acts, security told us all to move down and fill the seats in below so our seats got better by the time New Kids were on stage. Like a good little girl, I left my camera in my car instead of taking pictures and video like 95% of the population at the concert. It was disappointing because I wanted pictures too!!! lol. I couldn't believe the number of cell phones recording video.. lol it was bizarre.

Anyway, the concert was great and I had a lot of fun dancing and singing along to all those songs that I honestly thought had escaped my brain. Just goes to show you that things can be stored away in little nooks and crannies in the brain and just need a little bit of 90's boy band charm to get released ;)

On Thursday I went to Peter Lougheed Hospital for minor surgery. Long story short, I had a lump removed from my hip.. nothing serious at all.. but the sucky thing was, I was awake through the whole procedure.

When I booked the appointment, I was told the surgery would take 30-45 minutes. I think what really made me miserable through the experience is that I was freezing cold throughout the ordeal, being awake through the procedure meant that I had to inform them when I could feel pain and they had to give more freezing, the jolt of electric shock when they would cauterize blood vessels and then laying there for 1 1/2 hours!!! Yes.. 1 1/2 hours laying on a 2 foot wide metal table on my side. By the end of the procedure I almost jumped off the table and told them to take a hike because my back and legs were so stiff from the position I had to lay in! The bedside manner in Brazil was a billion times better than here.. surprise surprise...

In general the surgery was considered minor but the surgeon admitted that anything more than what I had done wouldn't be done under local anaesthetic. In retrospect, even though I survived the whole thing and am recovering well, I don't know if I would choose to go through anything like that again. Call me a wimp but there are some things that should be left to the unknown...

All in all I am glad to have that out of the way before holiday festivities begin. The next few weeks are going to be fairly crazy.

I have some things to work out with the new project I am on for my night job so that will keep me busy, plus I am working on plans for the wine and cheese party on Dec 5th. I am excited about that but hope people who are coming to the party let me know what they are bringing soon so that I can prepare. I made some nice wine charms to auction off as well. Hoping for a good turnout and great support so that I can pass along a lot of help to my step mom.

The day after the wine and cheese party, I am flying to Vancouver. My company is flying me out for business so I am going out a couple days early to visit my mom. I am happy to be able to see my mom before Christmas. I feel very lucky to be able to go for sure! I fly out on the Saturday and return on the Wednesday which is good because I will need the Thursday to get some work done since Friday the 12th is the employee celebration.

Then of course the 13th I am going to 2 Christmas parties! I am lucky there too because I have a friend coming with me as "arm candy" for my company party and then we'll crash Debbie and Lauren's Christmas party afterwards. I have to admit, it was a bit unsure about asking someone to be my "date" for the company party. I don't want him reading anything into it.. I just want to have a relaxed good time and I think we will look good together in the process :) Besides, it will be nice to go to a party with a guy for a change.

Christmas is still up in the air. It all depends on how June is feeling which is ok with me. I am open to whatever happens and I am flexible enough to do whatever it takes to make the most of Christmas this year. So far it seems like Lauren and I will be spending Christmas in Lethbridge with my Dad and June and Debbie will come down for Dad's birthday. As far as I am concerned, as long as June is happy and healthy, I am fine with whatever they decide.

New Years will be exciting.. we're celebrating the end of 2008 and beginning of 2009 in Banff this year with 4 good friends. I have new snow tires too which means I will be a lot more at ease heading into the mountains in the snow! Anyone who knows the tires they put on the Mitsubishi Outlander will understand why I am thankful to have winter tires lol!

I have good feelings about 2009. I think it will bring about much positive change and I am ready to face it head on. Bring.. it.. on!

It's not always about me... and a little about change...

2008-11-17T12:45:00.007-07:00

I'm not sure who actually reads my blog but I wanted to write a little bit about other things happening around me that are greatly impacting my life.

As some may know, my step mom June was recently diagnosed with cancer yet again. I don't know if this is her 4th or 5th battle but she is a veteran at fighting this very unpredictable monster.

Naturally I am worried. I love my step mom a lot. She has been very supportive to me, very caring and she has made my father a better man and a better dad. Quite frankly I wouldn't wish cancer on my worst enemy but it tears me up inside that it can happen to such a wonderful woman.

I like to boast in life that I have no fear but that would be a lie. I do fear cancer. It is so unpredictable and there are so many varieties... Aside from the head to toe locations that you can get it, there are the varying degrees of how rapidly it progresses. And then if you're lucky to be told that it can be treated, there is the treatment itself which can be just as bad as the disease.

I have high hopes and lots of positive thoughts for June though. She has beat this before and will again. She has the support of all of her family and friends, and I can say for sure that I am doing anything I can think of to help out. I am holding a wine and cheese fundraiser to help them with the expense of travelling to Calgary every 3 weeks for chemotherapy. Lauren and I are picking her daughter (my stepsister) up from the airport to bring her to Lethbridge tonight so they can spend the week together. I don't care if I am not home until 2am by the time we get back to Calgary. This is what people do for the ones they love and she should only have to worry about getting healthy again.

Anyway. If anyone reading this is interested in making a donation to the cause, let me know ok?

Aside from all of that, I am just working on figuring out what I am going to do when I grow up now that my life has been changed to an almost unrecognizable state. My step mom's cancer battle is just one of the things that is happening while life is still being lived. I have 2 jobs, I have family and friends that I am trying my best not to alienate. I have hopes and dreams for the future which I am hoping will eventually feed in to what is happening in my life.

It is like my life is a dart board, my future goals are in the bulls eye and the darts are all of these things happening in parallel. They all add up to the eventual goal and occasionally I may have something happen that hits the bulls eye and feeds directly into my goals, but all in all, I have to just work towards something hoping that eventually it will all make sense and meet my expectations.

I know that my fairly insignificant soul has a minor impact on the world. My carbon footprint alone is impacting the world, but I want more than that. When I eventually leave this world and move on to bigger and better things, I want to know that I made a difference.

I know what I want to do. I want to be an advocate for change. I want to help people understand, embrace and welcome change. Change is inevitable and will happen with or without our help... so why not learn to accept it? Also we need to understand how to make sure that the changes that happen are guided into the right direction.. positive direction.

Anyway I am rambling again...

Just wanted to share a little bit more about what is going on with my life..

Thanks for reading!

3 months and down another 25lbs! -211!!!!!

2008-11-10T12:28:00.005-07:00

I can't believe 3 months has gone by since my last post. Wow life sure has taken over!

I can't believe how easy it is to get caught up in the amazing things I can do now and the amount of energy I have. I have been meaning to blog for weeks but aside from being really busy (more mentally busy than actually overburdened with tasks), I haven't been very motivated to sit on the computer long enough to blog.

I have had some great experiences. I am addicted to travelling now. I went to Montreal with Lauren and Alice in September and had a wonderful time! I fell in love with Montreal and can't wait to go back! I also went to Toronto for work just a couple of weeks ago. I didn't enjoy T.Dot. as much as I enjoyed Montreal but I would definitely go back.. plus I made a great friend there.. Renee.. and we went to Niagara Falls and saw a taping of 'The Hour' which was a lot of fun! I definitely made the best of the time I was there.

I haven't been enjoying work that much. Partly I think because I have been enjoying LIFE too much and I am starting to question whether I am doing the kind of work I really want to be doing. I need to spend more time thinking about that.

I have been thinking a lot about priorities lately. Starting to wonder what new traditions I can add to my life. My family has gotten away from tradition which really makes me sad at times so it is about time I start making my own traditions!

I've also come to the conclusion that I am ready for a big but positive change in my life. I have achieved all of my previous goals and dreams.. now it is time for new ones.. for a new chapter in my life. I feel like I am finally free of the burden of all those pounds and now I can really get out there and do what I was put on this earth to do!

I was seriously in denial before.. I had no idea that I was so unhappy with myself.. I guess it is easy to be so unclear when you're shrouded with not just the physical weight but everything else that comes with it. Even I didn't know exactly how much I was dealing with until I saw it start to fall away.. aside from the medical issues and actual physical limitations, the clothing, the perception of others and people looking right past me instead of at me.

I think one of the things that I enjoy the most right now is knowing that I can be anywhere and do anything and not have to wonder if I can"fit". Also, being out and about and never once praying for a parking spot close to my destination so that I don't have to walk too far. I know this is perceived as laziness but you need to understand that everyone has limitations and once you hit a certain weight, things don't work so well. I had major foot pain and knee pain. I dreaded walking 10 feet much less a whole block.. now, I am a walking machine.. ask Lauren and Alice how much stamina and energy I had in Montreal lol!

I want to keep in my mind a little bit of what I have been through as a reminder. It is so easy to forget how things were and start thinking the way other people would think of me.. "If she was more active she wouldn't be fat." "If she ate less, she would lose weight". These statements may be true in some cases but they weren't 100% true for me. It takes more than that and anyone saying things like that is ignorant to the reality of the situation. There are variables that come into play that no one could predict. Things you wouldn't recognize unless you had it happen to you. So for that reason, I never want to forget where I have been.

I have started to shift my perception and I see myself as a thinner and healthier person now, and I often forget what I used to look like, but I will never forget the way I used to feel. That's also why I got the tattoo.. as a reminder of where I started.. something about me that will never change, since so much in my life is changing and will change.

So a new chapter is about to begin in my life. Doors have opened up and a whole new world is before me. I have never before been so excited about the opportunities and possibilities I have ahead.. but you know what the weird thing is? All of these possibilities and opportunities were always there.. I just couldn't see past my weight. I allowed my weight to put limits on myself.

Its not like I am being handed opportunities. No one is approaching me with gifts and trips and experiences. No one has given me a free pass to anything. I am creating this for myself and I always could.. now of course it is easier.. I can fly comfortably and I know I can fit in any seat in almost any venue. I am now able to eat fairly normally too.. so all that makes it easier but I just realize now that my weight was one big fat excuse! I craved adventure back then. I ached to experience things.. but my weight kept me from it all. No, I kept me from it all.

I don't know what I am trying to get at exactly but basically my message is this.. if at any time, for any reason you or anyone else for that matter says you CAN'T do something, ask WHY, ask for PROOF. Because I am living proof that unless it involves the Time/Space continuum, you can do anything you want to do. You just have to be willing to alter what you want to do according to your challenges. Change your expectations of the experience to mold it to your life. Don't try to mold yourself into someone else's idea of that perfect experience. If you want to travel, DO IT.. but if you can't hike, don't hike.. We have 100% control of our lives and even though we have challenges and hurdles to overcome, we are capable. We were given pretty powerful brains and we definitely don't use them very efficiently. Be creative and get what you want out of life. And if somehow, somewhere along the road your life gets better in the process.. then that is the frosting on the metaphoric cake.

So to sum it all up.. life is good. Getting better every day. Looking forward to tomorrow and the day after that and so on and so on. Eventually looking forward to sharing my wonderful life with a wonderful guy but I know that will happen when it is meant to.. so for now, I will just keep doing what I am doing.

Thanks for sticking around and reading all this rambling :)

Pia

Hiking, Fondue, a busy life and -186!!!

2008-08-11T22:53:00.003-06:00

I can't believe it has been nearly a month since my last blog. Time seems to just disappear at my fingertips these days.

I'll start with recent events and then think back to the past month and see what I can recall ;)

Well.. as you can see, I am -186! That's only 14lbs away from being -200!!! I am in shock but at the same time I am grateful and I feel so lucky! My life has changed fairly significantly over the past year (even over the past month!).

Lauren and I went to Banff last weekend. We decided to go on a hike at Johnston Canyon..

On the way to Banff, we stopped at Canmore at the Summit Cafe and had breakfast! YUM!

We thought the hike was a total of 6K round trip but discovered when we arrived to the very busy tourist attraction that not only was 6K just one-way to the Ink Pots, but the volume of people (and rudeness of the tourists) made the trail less than peaceful! We took about 40 minutes to hike 2K (including stopping to view the falls and take photos) and made it up past the upper falls beyond the end of the interpretive trail.

It was a hot hot hot day and an exhausting uphill hike. I decided that I wouldn't make it the rest of the way to the Ink Pots which was an additional 3k each way. I was just exhausted. It was amazing that I made it as far as I did! Considering the fact that a year ago I would have complained about walking a block much less 6K uphill.. This for me was a Huge victory!!!!!!

We hiked back through the crowds and although my knees were a bit sore from the descent, I felt fantastic. Tired and somewhat down on myself for not going the full distance to the Ink Pots but I was able to rationalize that 1) We planned for a 6K hike, not a 12K hike and we DID 6K. 2) I wouldn't have done this at all a year ago so the fact that I was hiking in the first place is amazing.

After the hike we went to the hotel in Banff to check in. We were hoping to get changed and head off to the Hot Springs to relax our newly worked muscles but the hotel room wasn't ready so we just went ahead to the Hot Springs. We only stayed there for about 20 mins.. It felt like longer.. It was just too hot. I love the hot springs in the winter when the snow is drifting down and the water is hot and steamy.. THAT is an experience to be had! Also, for the record, this was the FIRST time I have ever been to the hot springs where I was able to walk up to the front door from the parking lot. In the past I was always dropped off at the door!!

After the hot springs we went to the hotel and finally checked in. We really wanted to go to Grizzly House for dinner so we called and the reservations were for 8:30pm!! We had a good 3 hours to kill so Lauren set the alarm and we both fell fast asleep! (by the way, the beds were so firm but for some reason they were still comfortable).

We woke up with plenty of time to spare to get ready. We got ready to go to dinner and left about an hour early so that we could browse the shops on the way to dinner. (sometime between the first attempt to check in to the hotel and leaving the next day, I lost my prescription sunglasses :()

We ended up arriving at the Grizzly House almost 30 minutes early. The weather was a bit drizzly and the power kept flickering in the shops. We were anxious to eat as well after a long day.

The Grizzly House was incredible! We ordered the 4 course Fondue dinner which included Salad, cheese fondue, meat/seafood fondue and chocolate fondue. We ordered our cheese fondue and they allowed us to replace the traditional bread chunks with steamed vegetables for dipping (DELICIOUS!!!)

I ordered the seafood combo with lobster, shrimp and scallops and Lauren ordered the Alberta special which included Beef, Bison, Elk and Venison. We had both a hot rock and hot oil for cooking. I thought the hot rock was incredible and much more flavorful than the hot oil!

After the meat course, we enjoyed ourselves snapping pics of each other. The chocolate fondue came last and we were given wafer cookies and various fruits to dip into the Toblerone chocolate!

I am a fondue lover but this experience was by far the BEST fondue dinner I have ever had!!! Also, I am a new hot rock lover!!! Sounds kinky lol!

We were at dinner until almost 11pm. We asked about their Halloween and New Years functions and got a laminated place mat to bring home. (you'd have to see it to understand lol)

We had to be back at the hotel before 11 because they lock the doors after that time and you have to buzz to get in (annoying) so to avoid that, we rushed to Safeway and then made it to the hotel with 5 minutes to spare.

We crashed hard that night and were up at a decent time for breakfast. The hotel offered a buffet but it was less than impressive. We ended up checking out shortly after 9 and then after a good 45minutes of searching for my lost sunglasses (including calling and/or visiting all the places we were at the day before), we were on our way back to Calgary.

We stopped in Canmore again on the way back.. I bought a pair of clip on sunglasses to tide me over until I got a replacement pair. We also stopped at Beamers for a coffee.

When we got to Calgary we went straight to Eau Claire Market to take in the Taste of Calgary festival.

We also ended up meeting Debbie and Michael and my dad and step mom since they just got into town at the same time. We all hung out there, ate and got sunburned lol!

Lauren, Debbie and I also went to an open casting call for a Mexican western movie that is being filmed here.. The casting lady made a comment about how I photographed really well. HUGE compliment!

All in all it was a fantastic weekend. We went to the Farmer's Market on Sunday and got a ton of great produce and local goodies. Spent more money than perhaps I should have but hell, that's what a market is for!

Aside from this weekend, I have been busy with my new contract I am working. So far I am extremely frustrated with it since I haven't been able to deliver what they were looking for (huge communication issues with my contact from Minnesota!)

I am still considering joining the Christmas choir and Meet Market Adventures has yet to get back to me about re booking the horseback riding trip I paid for in May! That is driving me nuts!!!!

I am having a big 1 year and under 300lbs celebration on September 6th. It will be an outdoor picnic style party and I am excited about it. I have booked the site and I can't wait. It will be nice to see who can make it and even if only my closest friends show up, it will be great!

Also, in Eau Claire we came across a booth for Breast Cancer Awareness and it reminded me about the CIBC run for the cure!! So I decided to join the 5K walk and created a team (we're up to 4 members so far). I am shamelessly soliciting donations so if you want to sponsor me online, click on:

https://www.cibcrunforthecure.com/html/personal_page.asp?track=2749300&languageid=1

Thanks in advance.. and by the way, this is yet one more example of something I wouldn't have dreamed of a year ago.

LIFE IS GOOD!

-177 and a Surreal experience with a Glutton for Punishment

2008-07-15T20:17:00.003-06:00

I found out that Food Network star Bob Blumer would be in Calgary during the Stampede to try and break the Guinness World Record for most pancakes made in an hour.

I've been a big fan of Bob Blumer for years because of his show Surreal Gourmet. He always had interesting episodes that provided his unique and twisted spin on different foods. He once did a show about caviar and made gourmet burgers with Foie Gras in it.

He also made a savoury cake... the "cake" layers were meatloaf and the icing was mashed potatoes. The decorations were carrots and other veggies cut into flowers etc.. Very creative.

Oh did I mention that his portable kitchen is an aluminum trailer shaped like a toaster with two slices of toast popping out of the top?

Bob's new show "Glutton for Punishment" is a very different concept. Bob travels all over the world and spends a week or so learning a task or feat and then competes to accomplish the goal he has set out. He once did a show on oyster shucking and competed in a shucking contest. He also did a show where he competed in a BBQ cook off, a show where he had to chase a big wheel of cheese down a hill in England and this time, he was flipping pancakes for a world record.

Now, this episode although filmed in Calgary during Stampede, will not air until Spring of 2009, I got to see it all live!

So here's how things went down...

Lauren dropped me off downtown at 7:30 am. I haven't been at a Stampede breakfast all "stampede season" so I figured if I am going to any, it will be one starring Bob Blumer!

So by the time I got there, they had Olympic plaza equipped with 2 large and 2 small griddles under a canopy. There were many buckets of pancake batter and tools for cooking.. and of course Bob prepping everything.. He was scurrying back and forth oiling the griddle and pouring test batches of pancakes. By now, there were only maybe 4 of us watching him from behind a rope. He announced to us that he was nervous which was pretty obvious. But I have to admit, he was far more attractive in person than I anticipated!

So the Guinness Book of World Record guy was pacing in the background while the various people who were involved with Bob's training or whatever were interviewed by various media. Bob's producer was running around getting things ready and it was generally just a typical scene with cameras everywhere and at the time, more media than audience.

So the countdown was on and the pancake flipping began. Bob had an hour to try and make more than 555 pancakes and they had to be bigger than the 6" diameter according to the template the Guinness guy had. They also had to be thinner than 1cm. The Guinness guy was counting madly as Bob produced griddles full of pancakes. He did try at one point to make pancakes on the back griddles but they ended up not being the right temperature so he gave up on them and worked on the two larger griddles facing the crowd.

As Bob flipped, we cheered and encouraged. Some people chanted, I just yelled the occasional words of encouragement. The MC from one of the radio stations kept pushing and egging Bob on, telling him he wasn't working hard enough or fast enough. He kept telling everyone that he was behind in the quota. It was a good thing too because Bob needed that extra push.

So it came down to the final minute and the crowd counted down. Bob poured a last batch of pancakes and got them off the heat in time to get them to the Guinness judge. Then the waiting began. As we all waited, Bob was letting off his frenetic energy and was talking with the MC. It was getting down to the wire and we were only at maybe 490 pancakes. It wasn't looking good. Bob was obviously nervous because he started going through the pancake reject pile looking for potential pancakes to be reconsidered but as the final batch was counted, it was clear that Bob managed to beat the world record with a slim margin of 4 pancakes! He made 559 pancakes in 1 hour!!!

I have to say it was a thrilling moment to see Bob jumping up and down with excitement. He ran past the crowd and high fived everyone. (That was painful lol). So after it all, the MC brought Bob over to the audience while all the media followed. So there was Bob on my right, and me in the middle and the MC on my left all facing the camera. I was all smiles of course and I had my hand on Bob's sweaty shoulder. I patted him on the back and congratulated him. He thanked me and then they moved Bob on to the next segment of interviews as people started to clean up the pancake griddles.

I followed for a bit because I wanted to get my pic taken with Bob but it was seemingly impossible to get a picture so I went off to the side. I figured I would wait for the pancakes that he promised he would make for the crowd. (He couldn't serve the ones in the contest because of health reasons). So as I stuck around I noticed they were moving the griddles over to where I was standing which was convenient. After the plaque was given to Bob and he was congratulated etc.. Bob was finally almost all alone so I went over to his assistant or coach guy and asked if I could get a pic with Bob. He said he would take 2 and so I got the 2 pics taken.

It was finally time for Bob to flip some pancakes for the crowd. Not many people crowded around.. most didn't know what had happened just 30 minutes earlier but there Bob was, prepping the griddles again and pouring on the pancake batter. Suddenly without warning, all of Bob's crew left. Everyone left. He had a griddle full of pancakes and a stack of plates but no way of getting them to the crowd. He finally just said we would all have to cross the rope and come down to the griddle and collect the pancakes our selves... well the crowd was too chicken to cross the rope. I tried to encourage them to go down to the griddle.. I even held up the rope and everyone just stood there dumbstruck.. so there was Bob with a whole lot of pancakes about to burn so I went under the rope, dropped my bag and umbrella etc.. and grabbed plates of pancakes from Bob and handed them to the crowd with a squeeze of syrup.

Bob was stunned that I jumped in and thanked me. I dished out pancakes to the crowd until we ran out of paper plates... so I started tearing off paper towels and served the hot cakes on them.
Bob then asked me my name and thanked me again. He said he would make sure I got some pancakes of my own in the next batch. As he was pouring the second (and final) batch, his crew came back and started filming us.

It was hard serving pancakes on napkins. People were annoyed that they couldn't soak the pancakes in syrup and there were no forks.. I eventually just took a stack of 10 pancakes on the last plate I was using to serve and had people help themselves with napkins.. but still I managed to serve up all but the last 3 pancakes.. I offered Bob one but he declined. I tossed on some syrup but for my little tummy even 1 pancake was pushing it... I finally said goodbye to Bob, he thanked me again and I left to head to work. On the way to the train station, I had to toss the sticky plate and wash my hands with my bottle of water. Sticky indeed!

So overall it was a fantastic morning. By the time I got to work, the office had essentially shut down. The employees had the afternoon off for a Stampede party so I ended up leaving early and heading over to Enmax for their Stampede party (starring Loverboy, Chiliwack and Trooper). It was stormy, it hailed but it was a great time! (and I got my butt sketched!)

So that was my Thursday (July 10th).

The Great Vancouver Trip of 2008

2008-07-04T23:15:00.003-06:00

First off, what a deal. We snagged the flight through WestJet just before the big fuel surcharge was added so Lauren and I both flew to Vancouver return for less than $400.

When planning the trip (I get a little OCD when it comes to planning) I called many hotels and motels and ultimately, decided on a Bed & Breakfast. The cost was similar to a hotel but the hotels were less than accomodating and I was annoyed with their attitudes when I called. So I decided to book online with Granville B&B. I also prebooked reservations to some of the restaurants we wanted to go to (using Open Table) and I even booked our rental car.

So. Since we were all set, all we had to do was show up. Alice was nice enough to take care of the kitties while we were gone too.

So we flew into Vancouver on Saturday evening (6:30), grabbed the rental car and our bag and drove to the Bed & Breakfast to drop off our stuff. At the airport, I went to the 7-11 to pick up a transit map and an all day bus pass for each of us.

The rental car was relatively cheap for the 4 days but I had to be the sole driver or the cost would have doubled.. so I ended up renting a Pontiac G6. We got to the B&B and it was pretty cool because everything was coded. The front door had a numbered key code box. All the codes were emailed to me weeks before so I just printed all the info.

We went into the foyer of the huge house. They have a "shoes off" policy so we took our shoes off and carried them to our room with us. There was no one in sight. The main foyer had one suite off to the right and then a dining room and sitting room off to the left. There was a huge staircase in front of us. The directions told us to go up the stairs and find the Dogwood suite on the right. So we did, and we coded in our special key code and entered the suite. The Upstairs had a total of 4 suites.

Lauren and I shared a king sized bed (the only option but it was big enough for 3!!). The suite was functional and very nicely decorated. The bed linens were so cozy and the bathroom was fully equipped with shampoo/conditioner/body wash dispensers in the shower, and soap/lotions (all local Purely Saltspring products) and a hair dryer of course.

The room also had a big closet with a fridge and safe and a decent sized TV.

So we changed into some fancier evening clothes and went off to dinner at Cloud9 (In the Empire Landmark Hotel). I found this restaurant in the Vancouver entertainment book. It has a revolving restaurant at the top and a piano lounge that didn't take reservations. The piano lounge opened at 8pm so we made it just in time. Traffic on the way there was hell though since the Jazz Festival was happening on Robson St. and there was construction everywhere.

It was the perfect way to start the trip. We were able to enjoy a sunset view of the city and Pacific Ocean while listening to the piano man. Lauren ordered a salmon dish (savoury not sweet) and I ordered Duck. For appetizers, we had shrimp cocktail and raw oysters. Hey! Why not enjoy the fish when you're on the coast! For dessert we had a delish cake called a charlotte. YUM!

After dinner we went back to the B&B and planned the following day. We also walked several blocks to a gas station to grab bevvies and snacks for the evenings.

The next morning, we had breakfast in the B&B. The chef, Eduardo made something called "Dutch Babies" which were like a firm egg custard baked in the oven with maple syrup and blueberries on top. They also had bacon, wheat/raisin toast, juice, fresh bananas/oranges, cereals, coffee, tea and home made preserves.

We ate and then left to catch the bus. The B&B was conveniently located on a street with a major bus line so we were able to hop on and it took us fairly close to where we needed to be for our first day of adventuring. We weren't 100% sure where we were going so we hopped off the bus with another tourist couple near the harbour and it ended up being maybe 6 blocks from where we needed to be. We headed to Dr. Sun Yat Sen gardens in Chinatown. We navigated our way to the gardens (snapping pics all the way) and met a very nice pair of Police Officers who offered to snap our photo for us. We wandered the gardens and decided to abandon the official tour (boring) but just enjoyed the beauty and serenity. We took a ton of pictures and in the last room of the gardens, people were doing Tai Chi and we were able to have some free chinese tea. We then hit up the gift shop and headed out.

Originally, our plan was to go for Dim Sum in Chinatown but as the day progressed, we decided to take the Seabus to Lonsdale Quay (pronounced Key) to the public market. We figured there would be good food to eat on the other side of the sea.

We found our way to the waterfront (where some of the cruise ships were docked) and hopped on the Seabus. It was all included in our day pass for transit so it was very convenient. When we got to the other side, we walked over to the market and just took a look around. There were couples square dancing and lots of people just soaking up the sun. We perused the market and found a lot of food options. Greek, indian, italian and everything in between. We settled on a very busy Fish and Chip place. It looked delicious and the busier the better! We ordered fish and chips and coleslaw to share. We are lucky we did because the portion was HUGE.

After lunch we walked over to a dock nearby where a large sailboat was docked. We had seen it from the seabus and it looked like they were letting people onto the boat so we decided to take a closer look. We ended up beating the rush and getting a wonderful tour. It was a very large sail boat for the Equadorian Navy. They showed us all the main points of the ship and I took a peek into the kitchen and laundry too! Lauren and I each bought a handmade bracelet from one of the female sailors and then we took more pics and left. They were sailing out to Japan the following day!!! We headed back to the market, bought some sorbet (since I can't eat dairy and all gelato in Vancouver seemed to have dairy in it!!). We ate the sorbet while soaking up some rays and sea air and then headed back to the Waterfront on the Seabus.

Our afternoon plans were supposed to consist of a walking tour of Gastown before dinner at the Salt Tasting Room (in Blood Alley, Gastown) but we ended up just wandering around amongst the insane volume of people there to enjoy the Jazz festival. We happened upon a CTV booth where you could get your image superimposed on a pic with your fave CTV tv show (for free!). Lauren picked CSI and I picked Medium. It was pretty cool! Lauren's pic was awesome!!! She's very savvy with posing!

We also ended up getting 2 free rolls of toilet paper, a frisbee and a led light lol.

So after a few hours of wandering and perusing gift shops, we went to the Salt Tasting Room. (it is marked by a black flag with a white salt shaker on it). What an experience that was! Basically, you sit down and look at the large chalkboard. You can either choose a cheese or meat tasting plate yourself from the items on the board, or you can have the chef's choice. Also you can have each paired with wines. There is also a small dessert menu.

So Lauren and I chose the Chef's choice meat tasting plate and the chef's choice cheese tasting plate. We also had the wine tasting paired with the cheese. I also ordered a very interesting pate with pork and pistachio nuts. Each meat/cheese was paired with a condiment, relish etc.. which is supposed to make the taste an experience. It was quite good and even though it seemed like small portioning, it really was quite filling. They were very good at explaining everything. They knew all the wines and meats and cheeses well.

After dinner, we headed back to find a bus home. I was craving sushi so I planned on hitting up a sushi joint for takeout on the way back but being Sunday night, not much was open. We had to ask a transit officer where to catch our bus but he was really friendly and helpful! Once we hopped on the bus, it was a fairly quick ride back to the B&B. No sushi :(

So the next day we went down for breakfast again. This time, it was a frittata with sausages on the side and of course the fresh juices and breads etc..

This time, we hopped into the rental car and drove over to VanDusen Botanical Gardens. I wasn't totally impressed with the foliage at Dr. Sun Yat Sen so I wanted to see some flowers! We didn't have to go far since the gardens were just around the corner. We spent all morning touring about 1/3 of the gardens before heading out. I managed to buy some seeds to plant at home and then we headed off to Granville Island. I want to go back and see the rest of the gardens sometime!

Eduardo told us about a great fish place on Granville Island called Go Fish!. It was basically a little take out place right on the dock but it was closed so we had to find an alternate lunch plan. So after wandering around, we settled on the Sandbar Restaurant. It was a huge restaurant right on the water. We went out onto the busy patio and had some wonderful food. We decided on a seafood platter with cold crab, shrimp and oysters and then shared some shrimp dumplings (paying homage to the Dim Sum we never had) and a delicious beet salad. It was a lot of food but we ate it all. I also had the BEST virgin caesar I have ever had! And Lauren enjoyed a Granville Island Lager (YUM!!!) One of our favourite beers before ever setting foot on Granville Island!

After lunch we browsed the market. We didn't get to see much though because we spent most of our allotted time in an amazing store called Dragonspace (or Dragonsense?). They had a lot of dragon items and beautiful jewelry. They also sold tarot cards, art, tshirts and books. Lauren got a book on Vikings and I bought a book on trees. I also bought a deck of tarot cards and a cool necklace of a lunar eclipse. (it is meant to symbolize positive change which seemed to fit my life perfectly!)

After leaving Granville Island Public Market, we took a drive to 4th St W (Kitsilano) for some shopping. Originally we planned to do shopping on Robson Street until we discovered most of the stores in Robson area are the large name brand chains..

In Kitsilano we found a bead store where I spent a lot of time. The beads were really reasonable and the store was a lot more diverse than some of the bead stores in Calgary. After spending all of our available shopping time in the bead store (it was 6pm and everything was closing) we decided to walk around to see what else there was on 4th st. Lo and behold, we found a tattoo/piercing shop which was open and empty. The shop was so beautiful with jewlery as far as the eye could see. It was so fancy compared to some of the bare shops here. I asked if they had time to do a nose piercing (I have been contemplating this for years but just in the past few months have really wanted it.. but never had the time/opportunity) so they were able to take me right away. So I was taken into the little room while Lauren acted as paparazzi for my big poke.. and it hurt for only the second the needle went in. But the eye on the side with the piercing filled with a single large warm tear which made its way down my cheek when I sat up. It was kinda cool.

Anyway, after the piercing we got back into the car and drove a few blocks away to dinner at Banana Leaf! Eduardo recommended this one to us (Malaysian cuisine). I have to admit, I was slightly nervous about eating all weekend since I was in a strange place and didn't know what my body would like/hate or how I would handle it but I am happy to report very few troubles on the entire trip! Banana Leaf was delicious and such a great atmosphere. Calgary (maybe Eau Claire) would benefit from one of the Banana Leaf restaurants. YUM!. Its funny, after we got back to Calgary I overheard some girls at Melrose Cafe talking about Banana Leaf in Vancouver and how great it was lol.

So on the way to dinner I had some issues parking. I wasn't nervous driving at all in Vancouver but man the drivers are RUDE! So I decided not to even bother parallel parking and parked a block away on a side street BUT it just so happened to be right near a sushi joint (Kitsilano Sushi). So after dinner, I decided to grab some sashimi and a roll to take back to the B&B for a late night snack. Well I must be spoiled by Kinjo or the people in this very busy Vancouver sushi place are just nuts but this was terrible sushi!!!! The portions were HUGE but it didn't taste like anything. I was so unimpressed that I ate 2 pieces and threw out the rest.

So the next morning (or last day there), we had breakfast again.. this time it was 2 crepes with banana and strawberries with syrup and liquor (and bacon). It was yummy but sweet!

Since it was the morning we were leaving, we decided to head up to Stanley Park by car, drive around and then head to the airport and grab lunch before taking our way too early 3pm flight. We drove over to Stanley Park and got out and enjoyed the beach. We took pictures and really loved the scenery. Then we went to the Totem Poles which was really amazing in my opinion. I thought the energy there was really strong and the totem poles were beautiful. We took lots of pictures and bought some souvenirs before heading to the airport.

At the airport, we took back the rental car (thank GOD we didn't have damage and remembered to fill the tank before we got there - I didn't take insurance .. :P) We checked our bag (we were over the weight limit so we had to take the books we bought at Dragonsense (Dragonspace?) and move them to the carry on bags we had. The lady also informed us that the limit for WestJet was dropping from 60lbs to 50 soon! So much for 2 of us sharing 1 suit case.. oh well we know better for next time.

We had lunch at Milestones in the airport. The food and service were terrible in my opinion!! After lunch we waited at the gate. We were really early so we had a lot of waiting to do.. and then the fire alarm went off.. I kept thinking.. "Our plane is here, just let us get on the plane, take off and they can sort out the fire" lol. It ended up being a false alarm.. whew!

The flight home was uneventful (except for the pregnant flight attendant which kept reminding us of that nicorette commercial - "The seatbelt sign is on! God!" lol but she was the nice version) and Alice was sweet to pick us up and take us to our car which was hibernating at her house.

Because of the bad sushi experience in Vancouver the night before, I insisted on hitting up Kinjo for some good sushi to take home with us for dinner. We had our sushi at home and the kitties quickly forgave us for being away. (We bought them some souvenirs too which they LOVED!) One was a dog toy for Faith. A rubber chicken that squeaks. She liked it but then we took out the catnip cigar for Loki. He was all over it, licking it and drooling on it.. and then Faith walked over and took 2 swipes at him and made him run away!!! He's twice her size and she bullied him into letting her have the catnip cigar! It was so funny! I missed them most of all!

So that was our trip.. 3 nights of fun and adventure. I would definitely go back anytime!

-170 and getting my priorities straight

2008-07-01T22:56:00.006-06:00

Wow. It has been over two weeks since my last blog post and it is taking all my energy to stick to it and finish this one. I don't know what's going on but I am just not interested in being on the computer at home lately. It seems like I have just been so wrapped up in LIFE that I keep forgetting to blog about it!

Well of course my biggest and most exciting news is my new weight. -170 which puts me at 296lbs. I am now ready to celebrate being under 300lbs. It blows me away how much my body has changed and in just a few weeks, I will be celebrating the first anniversary of my surgery. I want to have a celebration with friends and family (besides, who needs an excuse to celebrate life?) so I have been thinking of doing a picnic style BBQ at one of the city parks. Something with hot dogs and Frisbees etc.. I think it would be a great family/dog friendly way to celebrate and then perhaps all my friends with kids would be able to make it to one of my parties!

I've become somewhat addicted to pickles and olives! I have been buying those large jars of pickles and eating them all by myself in about a week! I have a hunch that my body needs the vinegar or something else in the pickle brine. Its good because I know that eating vinegar is supposed to be good for you but its bad because I know I am not getting nearly enough protein in my diet. I think I am going to have to go back to my protein powder. UGH! If anyone reading this has any good non-dairy smoothie recipes I can add protein powder to, I would be very grateful.

I am going to blog about my Vancouver trip on a separate blog since it will probably be long.. so I will skip over that and talk about the fact that I decided to not do the Opera Workshop...

After coming back from Vancouver something in me changed... My short term goals or priorities. Something hit me and made me realize that I have been neglecting some really important components of my life. I've spent the last year focusing on my body and my health, and I have let some really important things slip. I have also let some bad habits creep into my life and I need to put a stop to that right quick.

As part of the re-prioritization of my life, I had to sacrifice the Opera Workshop I was going to do. I had to make the decision that spending a week and a half at SAIT residence completely abandoning my home and kitties and my business. I just couldn't justify that. I had to break the news to my choir director and I had to cancel my SAIT reservation but luckily the only money I won't recover is the $100 I paid for the workshop.

Even though a week and a half goes by like a snap of the fingers these days, recovering from it would take me so much longer. So instead, I took a week off of work this week to get some things done at home. I need to do some business paper work and I have to get settled back into home life. Even though it has been a year since I left for Brazil, it seems like I am just now getting back into the groove. So much has happened in the past 11 months since I got back from Brazil and I am just now picking up the pieces I left behind. I don't know if i really understood how much I let slack leading up to my surgery. Not intentionally but just because of circumstances. I wasn't healthy at all. So I have spent the past 2 days getting organized at home and I have the next 5 days to get my business paper work done. Fun fun fun.

On a side note, I am also having some not fun food aversions... I am repulsed by cooked egg whites, I can't stomach the idea of eating steak right now and I am still really sensitive to dairy with lactose intolerance so I am just not enjoying the eating thing at all. My cravings (or as my subconscious just called them, crazings) are things like rice, lasagna, Chinese food, strong curries etc.. all things that my body is unhappy with :/

So that's it for now. I will recap the Vancouver trip in my next blog but for now I should get to sleep!

Oh! I will save the details for the Vancouver blog but I got my nose pierced!

-167 (299!!!) Friday the 13th... Wine, 15 minutes of fame

2008-06-13T09:18:00.001-06:00

It has been one hell of a weekend. From Thursday through Sunday, it has all been choir stuff going on. 7pm until 9:30pm both Thursday and Friday nights and then 8:30am Saturday to 11pm and then 11am Sunday to 11pm. Exhausting yet exhillarating!

I had so much fun. In all honesty, I was about to quit the choir.. I was done with the politics and BS and I was feeling like it wasn't the growth I was expecting.. and then I got on stage and it was like a new me! I was reenergized. It was amazing. My solos for each of the 3 shows went well and we nailed the last concert in its entirety!

What a rush!

I am going to be rejoining the choir next year and maybe even the Christmas choir but for now, I will be focussing on the Opera. I booked an appointment with a vocal instructor for next Sunday..an hour one on one. I am excited and anxious to learn.. And then the opera practice runs from the 2nd of July through to the 11th of July.. intense from 6-10pm every weeknight. Crazy.

Sheila (one of the other 1st Sopranos and Brazillian Jujitsu instructor) asked me if I'd be interested in performing a duet with her for the Talent show next year.. I am excited about that.. it should be a lot of fun but also challenging.. AND any performances in the Talent show that they like will be put on the big stage for the final concert! The theme next year is Angels and Demons.. OoOoOooooh

I watched Burn Up this week. It was on in 2 parts. 4 hours in total. The first part had no protest scenes really but the second part had many more opportunities for us to make it on the big screen... well, Debbie made it on 3 or 4 times!!! Twice in scenes with Neve Campbell and once in a scene in the crowd. And then.. I saw ME!!!!! I made it into the movie!!! Of course it was me like 100 lbs heavier but it was me!!!! I am so excited!

It has been such a ride and things are just going to get so much busier. In a week I have a 4 day vacation and then a week after that the Opera workshop begins.. then when that ends its horseback riding!

I'm getting so busy with the second contract I have too. I am a little anxious about it because I haven't done much work on it yet. I almost regret taking the contract in the first place BUT it is such a good move for me careerwise. I just have to settle with the fact that I will be insanely busy.

At the end of July Lauren and I go to the Nine Inch Nails concert and then August 1st is Cirque Du Soleil. Holy when I booked those tickets it felt like so long ago.. now it seems so near!

Well busy is good. And happy is good. So in short, life is good!

Oh, and last night we had the wrap up party for the choir and I had 3 glasses of wine and a glass of champagne. It hit me so hard and today I feel like crap! lol. Thats what I get for lushing it up!
Oh and for the record, it is a really nice feeling to be able to go out and not once worry if I will fit someplace. Fantastic!

Busy busy busy.. oh & -163

2008-05-27T08:52:00.001-06:00

It is incredible how amazingly busy I have been and am getting through the summer. Life has already changed so much but then add to that the number of activities I have on the go.. crazy!

I went to Kinjo last Thursday by myself before choir. It was so interesting to go alone because naturally I get the same fantastic treatment but I also got nervous that I wouldn't be able to eat the free food I was given. I don't eat much as it is, but then I was also on the way to choir so I didn't have a ton of time so I was stuffed by the time I got out of there.. bursting at the seams!

My sleep centre appointment was interesting as well. I went to pick up a machine to do an overnight sleep study to see if I still had sleep apnea. I've lost a lot of weight so I am hoping my sleeping problems (aside from not enough hours in the day) have improved.

The funny thing is that the lady I had the appointment with has seen me several times before and always knew me by name, but this time she looked at me and said, "have we met?". It was so funny! She kept looking at my chart like she knew my name but she had no clue who I was. I explained that I had lost a lot of weight since the last time I saw her and that seemed to make her understand but she was still puzzled. Happy for me but puzzled.

I realized that telling people I have lost 160lbs is not as helpful as it should be. People cannot fathom 160lbs of weight. They can't look at me and imagine me 160 lbs heavier. Most people battle between 10 and 50 lbs.. anything more than that becomes difficult to understand. Like imagining the distance from earth to the moon or from earth to the stars.. without experiencing it, its nearly impossible to comprehend.

In an opposite situation I was recognized at Home Depot by a guy that had messaged me on a dating site. The subject line of the email was "Home Depot" which made me think.. oh crap.. I spent a lot of time at Home Depot on the long weekend!

Sure enough, he saw me there and recognized me.. its weird having someone you know look at you like you've never met and then someone you've never met recognize you immediately. Very twisted!

Lauren and I built a fence and did some gardening and other backyard fix ups on the long weekend. We're definitely not pros but we did a great job and I am proud!

This last weekend was a mish mash of things.. spending time with friends, the choir pre-concert house concert and housecleaning. I've realized that my "method" to deep cleaning is to clean out the closets first so that I have a place to put everything away. I didn't realize this was my process until I was in the middle of it.. I think it works fairly well and now I should be able to plunk everything in its rightful place before this weekend.

Yesterday I had my first personal trainer session at Goodlife Fitness. He didn't make it as challenging as I expected but it was my first day so he may have gone easy on me. The gym is pretty nice though.. busy!

Early July is my Opera Workshop (yikes) & In mid July Lauren and I finally get to go horseback riding.. can't wait for that! And of course the Nine Inch Nails concert and Cirque du Soleil in late July/early August.

This weekend coming up will consist of choir practices, festivities and working probably. Busy season is upon me and starting next week, I don't have a free minute it seems. I do have time to read though and since I finished the last two books I had, I am currently reading "The Faraway Tree Stories" by Enid Blyton. It's a children's book but I love it all the same!

I need some suggestions for good fiction books to read..

Updates, The Great Wall & Great Mothers! -157!!!!!

2008-05-14T16:11:00.003-06:00

Oi.

We're 1/2 way through the month and it feels like there is so much left to do before the 31st.

With choir concerts (both this month and next month) coming up, plus choir practice and of course getting the house prepped for Summer, there won't be a minute to spare! I am looking forward to doing some gardening this weekend.

I am excited because my neighbor has graciously offered to build the fence dividing our houses and it has already begun! Because of that we will also be building the smaller fence across the back of the yard. We have to dig those post holes by hand.. a lot of work, I know.

I am excited about our new "Great Wall" though and look forward to having privacy and a complete yard.. it should be all done in time for summer too!

I am ready to get gardening too.. I am going to plant zucchini and tomatoes this year.. and of course lots and lots of herbs!! I won't bother with a lot of veggies because I don't have the space but I do like to have some basics.. and of course zucchini is virtually fool proof and tomatoes are fairly easy too.

I may as well put it out there now.. I could very well end up with an abundance of zucchini.. if so and you want a share of the crop, just let me know lol.

I am disappointed that all my front flowerbed plants from last year died except for my Chives but it gives me an excuse to go shopping for more ;)

Horseback Riding was cancelled last weekend which sucked.. we've rescheduled for the middle of July. The company wouldn't give a refund, just a credit so Lauren and I will be doing something fairly low key for her birthday (her choice) since all that money is tied up in the horseback riding trip.

One advantage of missing out on horseback riding was that I was able to spend more time with my mom. She flew to Calgary last Thursday and stayed until Monday night. It was so nice to see her again (after about a year!!!) and she had lots of very complimentary things to say about my weight loss. She said she now sees a life in my eyes that she hasn't seen since I was a child. I thought that was really interesting because I always thought I was the happiest person in the world (sickeningly so) but apparently my perception about how happy I was may have been partly denial.

Ignorance IS bliss afterall!

I had such a great time with my mom. I picked her up at the airport Thursday night. We had chocolates and flowers waiting for her..

Friday, we went to Cora's for lunch and then Oasis Spa (amazing!). We had dinner with Lauren at Charly Chan's and then she stayed in a hotel Friday night & Saturday night.
Saturday morning we took her to the Danish Canadian Club for brunch and then to Chinook for some shopping! I had my first ever Sephora experience and naturally I couldn't leave Chinook without a stop at MAC for some eyeshadow! We then brought my mom to Debbie's place so that she could spend time with her.

We also spent Sunday night at Deb's place and had a sort of potluck dinner. It was sooo good spending time with mom after that long.

I dropped her off at the airport Monday night and it was a tearful sendoff! I felt really lucky to have been able to spend as much time with her as I did. We had some great one on one conversations that just can't be replicated over the phone or email. Thanks for a great visit mom!

I am excited to report that I am now down 157 pounds! My gym opens on May 23rd so I will begin working with a personal trainer so that 157 number will get bigger still.. (while I get smaller:P)

Anyhow, thats my update, my great wall and my great mom.

Messed up people, Adventure and a little dancing!

2008-04-29T12:29:00.002-06:00

Well, it is Tuesday and already the end of April. I can not believe how fast this year is going.

I want to start things off by commenting on the horrible things people are capable of! I know this isn't the worst that people have done but I am still in disbelief that a man kidnapped his own daughter and held her captive in his own basement for 24 years and had 7 children with her!

How is something like that possible? How can a person get away with that?? It makes you wonder how many other "missing" people are being held captive right now. We also heard of the girl found recently who was held for 9 years. What the hell is wrong with people?

Makes me wonder if right to privacy should be trumped by the right to personal safety. I can imagine that might stir up a bit of a debate.

Anyway. On to better and brighter topics..

I bumped into my old Mount Royal Tech writing professor yesterday.. While walking to my car from work.. I just ran into him (not literally) on the street.

He said, "Hi Shannon" :P

I said "No, it's Pia" and suddenly he looked all confused.. Then I told him I wouldn't expect him to recognize me since I had lost 150lbs.

He asked what I was doing work wise and I told him.. He was really happy to hear I was working in my field lol.

Shannon.. Pfft!

I walked to my car from work yesterday and dispite the blisters (I need better socks and a new pair of good walking shoes) it was really nice.. the weather was great too which made things even more enjoyable! Even with the blisters, I may be walking to my car again today so that I can pick up a connector for my rain barrel at the Clean Calgary Store. It is about a year overdue lol.

I am excited about this weekend. I'll be going dancing Saturday night which I haven't done in years. As a matter of fact, I am smaller now than I was when I used to go dancing so I am pumped!

I also can't wait for the horseback riding trip which happens next Saturday May 10th. Lauren and I are also already planning our first hiking trip in May and we'll be planning camping for June/July too! I need to get my gardening hat on too so I can start planning what to plant.

I have some hyacinth bulbs which were supposed to be planted in the fall but I didn't get to it and now they are still looking healthy so I want to see about growing them.

I'm also looking to do a cleanse soon. Something to detox my liver! Nothing where I have to limit my food intake to broccoli everyday for a week or anything like that though.

I am expecting this Summer to be very adventurous.

Bring...

It...

On...!

Going solo... and -152!!!

2008-04-24T17:24:00.006-06:00

I weighed in on Tuesday and was unofficially 314 which puts me down 152 lbs but today I did a pre-Friday weigh-in and ended up at 315 which isn't as good but still not bad.

I am excited too because Lauren and I went shopping this week for hiking backpacks and day hiking shoes. We can't wait to get out there when the weather warms up!

As for the subject line going "solo", I am testing my voice out at choir tonight for a solo part at the beginning of the song "Frobisher Bay". Its a beautiful song. I just hope my voice is up to it. It would sound amazing to sing the first line solo and then have the rest of the choir join me.. I can't wait to try it out.

The Lavalife guy emailed me last Friday with an update that his computer was fried, my # was on there which is why he didn't call and he forgot my email address which was why he was sending the update to my hotmail address. Yeesh. He summed up the email with the line "for all I know you could have sent mail telling me to screw off by now, wouldn't blame ya!"

I just don't get it.. The whole thing baffles me. To give him the benefit of the doubt (yet again), I called him and left him a voicemail with my phone number.. no excuses right? Well, he never called and so I am finally done!

Yeah I know most people think I gave him too many chances and waited too long and let myself get too involved..

Well that's my personality.. I am passionate about my life and if I am excited about someone or something, I let myself jump in feet first.. it's an aspect of my personality I am happy with actually.. because when I do meet the man that is perfect for me, I want to give him my full attention, my full affection and I want to be fully connected.. present in the moment. And I think that's a good thing.

Then again I naturally want "him" (whoever he is) to reciprocate and give me the same quality of attention I give him but I think that will happen naturally when the right one comes along anyway.

Someone suggested to me recently that 1) I am TOO focused on finding a man and 2) That my assertive personality could come across as intimidating..

I have decided that for #1, I am not going to apologize or make excuses for wanting a relationship.. it's a natural part of life and I think it is about time that I get to enjoy that aspect of life which has eluded me for all too long (both by choice and by circumstance). I also decided that even if it is true that my assertiveness is intimidating, I want to find someone who matches me and that person just won't be intimidated by me.. or if he is, he will overcome it. Besides, how would changing my personality help matters? I want to find the man that will love me unconditionally.. I like the fact that I achieve the goals I set.

I like knowing what I want/like in life.

Anyway.. So I will be going it solo for a little while longer. I am fairly confident that I will find him". I just need to remain open to whatever/whoever life tosses in my direction.. *Just please let him be at least 1/2 an inch taller than me lol!*

-148, horoscopes and challenging myself...

2008-04-18T12:59:00.005-06:00

Well, it is official!

My plateau has lifted and I am back to losing! I am down 148lbs now. Ok so that's only 2 lbs lower than I was at Easter, but I was sure happy to see the scale drop again! I don't mind staying at the same weight for a while but I don't like to see the scale # go up!!

My horoscope in Metro today was interesting.

"The love of your life comes to mind. Keep a stiff upper lip when friends disappear. All obstacles will be overcome."

Eerily relevant to my current circumstances.. although almost all horoscopes can seem relevant if you try hard enough.

The "friends disappear" part could apply to the lavalife guy. The "love of my life".. well he's out there somewhere and he is always on my mind. And naturally I will overcome my obstacles.. it's only a matter of time..

I'm really excited about a new possible challenge I can give myself.. in July, my choir director is having an intensive Opera workshop.. 8 week day evenings (6-10pm) from July 2nd - 11th with a final concert on the 11th. The interesting part is that I have to do an audition on June 30th. I am excited and nervous and pumped!

I'm starting to realize that if I am faced with any opportunity and it makes me nervous, uncomfortable, uneasy or otherwise awkward, I have to do it.. its just gotta be done!

I'm excited about life in general though. I have a good feeling about meeting someone.. someone with potential in the relationship category.. don't ask me why.. don't ask what I mean by a "feeling". I can't explain it.. but I am excited for some reason and my instincts are telling me that I can expect good things to come soon!

I guess part of the whole "power of positive thinking - manifesting your dreams" thing is that you not only have to think positive thoughts and say positive things, you have to believe them in your heart! I can't count the number of times I have put on a positive "mask" for the world to see but felt utter doom in my heart. I think that is why I am so excited right now.. my heart is full and open and no negative thoughts take up any space in there this time around.

I had a couple amazing nights recently. Two nights ago I met with a very nice woman that is going to Brazil for surgery next month. She wanted to ask me questions about my experience and I was more than happy to share. We talked for 2 1/2 hours and I really enjoyed it.

Then, last night I went out for sushi (of course at Kinjo) with Lauren and a couple old friends. Its so nice to catch up and be around people that make me laugh and smile and just appreciate being alive! I had a great time and although it was slightly cut short so I could run to choir, it was so appreciated!

I've been craving people lately. (company, not cannibalism!) I don't know why but it seems like I feel so much more focused when I am around others.. my mind wanders too much when I am alone.. I blame my love life for that :P

Ugh! I am exhausted! I need some caffeine.

The cup spilleth over.. also -147 maybe?

2008-04-15T13:27:00.004-06:00

Before the blog starts, I should share that I went on a wonderful 1 1/2 hour walk on Sunday AND I think my plateau is finally broken! I will confirm on Friday!

I cried last night. I know I know.. suck it up.. like jeez! :P

It was weird.. not a deep sobbing slobbery cry but it almost felt forced.. not fake, but like I had to force myself to unload some of the built up tension or something. I felt like I had to work so hard for each tear so the release of it was like squeezing a drop of oil from a green olive. In other words, it didn't give me much of a release at all..

Before you go thinking like I am a blubbering cry baby, you should know that I really don't cry that much.. I don't often see a purpose for it and lately, the only tears I shed are from either laughing too hard, or when I am overcome with joy (like watching my nephew Michael be born).

On the rare occasion where I do cry, it usually has something to do with being hurt by someone I care about deeply or knowing I unintentionally hurt someone I care about deeply where I caused them some tears...

These tears though, were different. Warm, but not salty.. and only a few from each eye.. but the muscle strain to get those few tears out was tremendous..

These, I think were tears of utter mental/emotional exhaustion and frustration. My brain & my heart are so loaded with thoughts and feelings and realizations and experiences and knowledge that I am overwhelmed...

Its one of those things I realize I have to deal with since this year afterall is my year of challenging myself.. this is the year where I have become a newbie again and I'm no longer the guru.. so with that, comes a certain amount of strain and pressure that builds and occasionally overflows..

I decided to take myself out of my comfort zone this year and I have sure done that!
I don't need to go into detail but I finally decided to give up on the Lavalife guy.. ironically my gut keeps telling me that I've made a mistake and gave up too soon but I'm just at a complete loss..

I think the universe has conspired and was successful at throwing everything possible between us to keep us from meeting.. and even though I was willing to climb over any obstacles thrown my way, I wasn't getting the feeling he was as willing to overcome his obstacles. If he was, he definitely didn't show me.. he said he wanted to meet, but he never did call me.. and sick or not, I expected something more..

I need a man my life that openly shows me that I am important to him.. I can't keep being the one to push forward.. I need him to pull me in..

Anyway.. the 28 yr old from New Brunswick I was talking to ended up purely wanting a sexual relationship over the telephone which is definitely not my style.. so he got blocked in a hurry..
..and so that leaves me where I am now..

I'm not worried though.. I know MY perfect man is out there somewhere.. I'm very positive about that.. and my mind (and heart) are wide open and waiting..

I came to a realization about having such an open mind/heart.. I am almost 100% guaranteed to get hurt.. but you know what? It is a risk I am willing to take. I am no longer afraid of getting hurt. If I am willing to step out of my comfortzone for personal development in my hobbies and career, I am definitely willing to step out of my comfort zone for love..

Bring... It... On!

Anyway.. this is as usual too much information.. but then again thats what I am all about.. share share share...

And these are the days of my life.. ;P

Extremes and the bridge between Venus and Mars - Plateaued at -142...

2008-04-13T10:06:00.006-06:00

I've been driving myself crazy... partially delusional thoughts that it really doesn't bother me that I still haven't met that Lavalife guy who seems like a fantastic person but everything has come in the way of us meeting... interestingly enough, the intent is there, the mutual interest is there... but then again I am not completely dumb, I know that actions speak far louder than words and you'd think nothing would stop two people from coming together if its meant to be...

So that is one extreme... theoretically a great possibility but no intent or urgency to bring it to life..

And here is the other extreme... virtually no mutual knowledge or understanding, yet the urgency to bring it to life seems almost frantic... Here's the story..

I went back onto Lavalife to finally update my profile as I've begun to realize that I need to find someone who wants to go out of his way to meet me.. someone who. even if he CAN'T meet me, communicates with me and shows his interest in other ways..

So not even on there for 5 mins, I get an Instant Message... A 28 yr old guy who lives in New Brunswick but is planning on moving to Calgary within the next 3-4 months... for the record.. sounds like a great guy.. a little too good to be true....

Here's roughly how the conversation went:
(* Names have been changed to protect the innocent ;P)

Him: Hi
Me: Hi
Him: I'm Steve*, you?
Me: Sally*
Him: Nice to meet you
Me: U too
Him: You are very pretty
Me: Thanks :)
Me: You live in NB??
Him: Yes but I am moving to Alberta
Me: ahh...

...and so forth...

So the conversation went on for several minutes... we both admitted to being very bold and assertive.. we both claim to know what we want and do whatever it takes to get it..

He promptly asks what it would take to get me... I promptly respond with an astounded "You don't know me!!" He claims he is interested anyway based on my profile and attraction etc..

So we move the conversation to MSN and by this time I am already exhausted (it's after 1am MST)... He tells me his profession which is respectable.. he's a musician too which is a bonus.. but he's freakin on the other side of the country!!!

So I tell him flat out... that I cannot do a long distance relationship.. I can't allow myself to "fall" for someone that I can't touch on a daily basis if I wanted to.. He agrees but wants to continue with something... so I recommend friendship... He tells me he is extremely impatient and wouldn't want things to develop too slowly.. Seriously, if this guy was in Calgary right now, I would not hesitate meeting him to see where it could go.. he's direct and assertive enough for me, that is for sure..

I begin to think... is this karma's way of kicking me in the ass for my impatience with the other Lavalife guy??

So here I have one guy that is local and no matter how many times we discuss meeting and mutual interest, nothing comes of it... and there is this other guy who barely knows me yet so urgently wants to get to know me and see it develop.. but I would have to wait up to 4 months to be with him..

What the heck is going on with the universe??

I have begun to learn something about myself which is always a positive.. Here are a few highlights...

1) I like attention. Its a curse but I admit it...
2) I like assertive (not aggressive) men
3) I don't have a perfect age requirement but seem to find 6 yrs either way is a healthy number
4) I need physical contact.. flesh.. face to face.. it's human
5) My heart and my mind are way too open so I've begun to realize that I am going to have to deal with getting hurt if I want to find the right guy because I don't want my mind or heart to be closed..

And so it begins.. I need to hire a contractor to build me a bridge between Venus and Mars.. Even though I know my "karma" bank is loaded, I don't know if the universe accepts that kind of currency..

So there are my two extremes... local but inattentive... or attentive and distant...

Welcome to my life :P

7 years Smoke-Free

2008-04-08T09:56:00.001-06:00

So yesterday, April 7th marked my 7 year anniversary since I quit smoking.

In order for you to truly understand the importance of this year, I will need to back up about hmm 33-12=...21 years.. I started smoking at 12 years old.. I was naive, I had no concept of the burden that smoking would place upon me in the years to come. I had no concept of the smell, the breathing troubles, the yellow fingers/teeth, the dependence and most of all, the feeling of utter helplessness that I felt every time I didn't have a cigarette in my hand. I won't even get into the many thousands of dollars I spent on cigarettes and smoking paraphernalia.

I admit, I used to LOVE smoking. The taste (I know, ugh!), the smell, the feeling of community when sitting in a smoking area and immediately having something in common with the person next to you.. the "smokers doors" in high school where all my good friends hung out.. There was even a "cool" factor with smoking...

And then I grew up and started to feel the burden.. the itch of having to wait for smoke breaks and the aggravating cravings, the shame of being late because I decided to chain smoke and cram 2 cigarettes in my smoke break where time would usually only accommodate one. The feeling of waking up in the morning with the first thing on my mind being "where are my smokes and lighter"… And of course, the eventual price increases and non-smoking initiatives which began to make smoking much more expensive and inconvenient.

But there came a time when all these factors (while still valid) paled in comparison to my single handed most inspiring motivation...

I started to research weight loss surgery in 2000. I had been completely immersed in the whole process... the health aspects, the risks, the benefits and most of all, the complications. My 100% initiative with having weight loss surgery was to become healthy. The weight loss itself was merely a side effect... The procedure was the tool...
It took no time at all for me to come to the conclusion that by remaining a smoker, I was a complete and total hypocrite.. If I wanted to be healthy, and if I wanted to have the surgery, my only option was to quit smoking. Smoking adds numerous risks and potential complications to any surgical procedure and I wasn't willing to make my journey any more risky than it was already. I wanted to live and I wanted to live a healthy life. I tried to quit smoking numerous times over the years... Nicorette gum, cold turkey, the patch, hypnotism etc... All worked for a time... Usually less than a week...

So in the fall of 2000, I made my first attempt to quit smoking using Zyban. It failed. I failed. It was depressing and I really started to think I was never going to quit... But then in the beginning of 2001, I decided to give it another shot... so I went on Zyban, chose a day to quit and went to it... I chose April 7th because it is my niece's birthday and I knew I would never forget it. I never wanted to forget it. And I haven't. It wasn't easy. The first day I went into lung convulsions... Every breath I took I felt like I was sucking in twice as much air as I had before and the breaths were so deep I almost felt like I would suck the world of its oxygen supply. My body would tremble like it sometimes does when I am outside in the cold and just shivering. The days to follow were similar. My body craving the nicotine, causing me to over-gesture with my arms when I spoke and I began chewing gum and drinking water like a madwoman... but after about 2 weeks, my body stopped fighting health and I started to realize I would be smoke free forever. Ok so admittedly I cheated twice and had one drag off a cigarette but each time that one drag only acted as a reminder of why I wasn't smoking anymore.

I dreamed about smoking a lot... nightly almost in the early years. Each time waking in a panic that I was a smoker again, berating myself for what I had done. I still dream about smoking occasionally. Nightmares, really. I'll never go back to it. I'll never put my body through that again... now that I know what it feels like to be smoke free, I can hardly understand how I lasted for so many years as a smoker.

Anyway, I just wanted to share the anniversary of one of my earlier successes... I am proud :)

Patience.. and perfection are overrated!

2008-03-27T11:55:00.004-06:00

What a week so far. What a month!

March has been so crazy in general. Between acting classes and choir and friends and family, it has been eventful. I've enjoyed it for the most part though!

As the month has sped on, I have learned that I do have patience in some cases. When I don't have control over a situation I allow myself the patience to wait it out.. but when I am in control, I let my lack of patience move things along more quickly.
For example, I have been emailing this guy for hmm 5 weeks? now. Had I known he was out of town from the beginning it would have been a different scenario but since I found out 2 weeks in, I had to catch up my patience to the situation at hand..
So now, 5 weeks in.. we are both back in town and I am ready to meet face to face.. anxious actually.. I don't even get what is going on with me this time around because back in my early 20's I met tons of people online and never cared whether or not I met them face to face.. now though, it feels awkward to be talking to a potential "date" online having not met face to face yet..
Maybe I am just growing up, maybe I am just getting serious about finding the real thing.. the long term thing.. or maybe I am just impatient now.. but I am ready to step out from behind the computer and look into his eyes and see what is really there.. in the flesh...
This guy though, seems like a really great person and even if we don't have a physical attraction once we meet in person, I know I would really want to remain friends with him. He's far from perfect but I don't care about perfect.. imperfect for one person could be completely perfect for me.. We'll have to see.
So enough about boys...
I went into work on Monday and found out my boss had a heart attack or something related to his heart and is in the hospital and it is undetermined when he will return.. that sucks.. he is such a great boss!!! I am sending healing happy thoughts his way though.
I finished my acting class on Saturday.. last class of that 6 week stretch.. I am taking a break now to focus on choir.. I need to improve with my singing, focus on my breathing and get those high notes. 1st soprano is a lot of pressure.. especially when only 2 of us show up at a practice!!!

I have my tapes from acting and I can't believe how much I have improved in the past 6 weeks! Amazing! I hope I see that kind of growth in my singing. That reminds me.. I've decided my ultimate acting dream is to have a role (maybe Mrs. Lovett) in the Sweeney Todd play or a similar role in another musical play. I think it would be so much fun! Challenging and rewarding all at the same time!

Anyway, I am leaving work early today for an appointment. I am very fortunate to have such flexibility.

I'll keep you all updated :)

March 14, 2008 The little things... -142

2008-03-27T11:47:00.000-06:00

I meant to post this 2 weeks ago but must have forgotten!

Sometimes, it is the little things.. the things that can be overlooked so easily, that make such a big impact on my day. A couple of days ago, I parked downtown in my usual spot and there was this Canada Goose just sitting there honking away.. such a beautiful creature. A yellow schoolbus drove by and honked at it.. the bus sounded just like the goose lol! It was just so content there, almost greeting everyone as they walked by saying.. spring is near.. spring is near!

Then, this morning, i was on my way to work and while driving along Deerfoot trail, there was a really dirty van.. and in the back window, someone drew a perfect Hagar the Horrible in the dirt!!! I laughed so hard and was so impressed! That made my morning!

I've been in a good mood lately too! I have started talking to a guy that has much dating potential and that has me really excited.

As of this morning, I am down 142lbs.. that is -6 this week! I feel fantastic!

Death, dreaming, dating and a new tattoo!

2008-03-07T23:56:00.003-07:00

I am in a funk today. A cloudy head, distracted, disoriented funk.

I had an experience yesterday that scared me to death...

I was driving to work. My usual route. 52nd street to 72nd Ave to Barlow Trail to Deerfoot to Memorial..

I was at the light at 52nd and 72nd and the guy in front of me turned left and I thought .. "I have enough time" so I stepped on the gas pedal and at that second, my gut got tense and I thought..

Oh Shit... I am not going to make it.

A big truck was just flying towards me and doing far faster than I had anticipated.. and I did make it.. obviously.. but it rattled my back end and immediately afterward, I thought to myself..

What if I am dead??

Ok so I know it was only a movie but we all saw in Sixth Sense how he had no idea he was dead for quite a while after.. just going through his day... oblivious. All movies stem from ideas which could stem from real experiences.. but thats another blog.

So the whole trip to work I was in this daze.. what if.. what if I was dead and just going through the motions.. and then I felt it.. a twinge of pain from my wrist.. my tattoo was hurting.. and at that moment I had the clarification that I wasn't dead. I figure you don't feel pain after you're dead. Even still, my day was cloudy and just generally hazy.

Today I definitely feel hazy too. I am going to take the afternoon off. I will go and get my car washed, do-it-myself. It gives me a sense of accomplishment :) I am listening to my mp3 player on random. I let the universe choose what I need to hear.. so far I have listened to a NIN song, Nsync and 2 Whitney Houston songs about love... oi.

So let me recap this week.. Tuesday I went Speed Dating. 25dates.com. I had fun. The food was good. The guys were much older than I was hoping...but it was a good time..

I got the email yesterday.. no matches.

So I get to go to another event for free. They offered me the same age group in April but I asked if I could go to the event March 11th. The age range of the original one was women 30-40 and men 35-45. The March 11th event is women and men 25-35. Never anything middle ground for us 30 somethings...

Wednesday, I got my tattoo. As planned, two wavy lines on my inner left wrist. I love it. It is outlined in black and then shaded in purple with a white line in the middle. Right now it looks fake. It is scabbing over so it looks like a fabric sticker I put on my wrist. Adam did a great job though. I love it. I will likely have to get the color touched up in 6 weeks just to make sure it is perfect.

Thursday was dinner with Alice and Choir. I have decided to stick with 1st Soprano. I was having second thoughts because I haven't been able to hit all the notes but I figure I have been sick so I may as well give myself a real chance.. besides, I can fake it if necessary ;P Dinner with Alice was good. I enjoyed my bunless hamburger and calamari.. My virgin caesar was too spicy though.

Oh! I booked an appointment with Goodlife Fitness in McKenzie Towne about a membership! I am excited about that!

I had a really creepy dream last night. I dreamed that Lauren and I were at home, sitting there doing whatever.. and two older men somehow managed to open our living room winddow.

Naturally Lauren got up and closed/locked the window but they then went to the back door which was of course unlocked. Before we could lock the door, these two very large men come into the kitchen. One of them has a ladle!!! So I grab the ladle and start hitting him over the head with it but of course it doesn't even phase him and he takes the abuse. Then his friend pulls out a pencil.. you know one of those gag pencils that is like a wooden stake? like 1/2 an inch in diameter...

Anyway.. these guys didn't seem to want anything, they just kept trying to provoke me.. They let me get the pencil away and then barely fought when I tried to stab one of them with it.. Well, one starts bleeding a bit and the other grabs the pencil and stabs himself in the stomach. He starts to bleed everywhere.. could only think to say "Well I guess we are getting a new couch!

Turns out, the men were dying so they wanted someone to kill them in self defence I told Lauren to call 911 but next thing I know, she is on the phone with 911's HR dept. So weird.

Still -136, dating, acting & nightmares... not necessarily in that order!

2008-03-04T12:45:00.008-07:00

I am going speed dating tonight. I am feeling sort of crappy today so I hope by the time the guys start making their way to my table, I will feel more myself..

I finally found someone on Lavalife who seems to be really interesting. Nice, attractive, open etc.. but here is where the process screeches to a halt.. we've talked online for several days now.. in email. Now is when I need to meet him in person. Before the illusions created behind the wall of the Internet become reality. I need to see if this person that seems like a good catch turns out to be exactly who he has been in email. He has my number and I have his. I have given the suggestion that we meet. Now the ball is in his court and whether or not this "potentially good catch" turns out to truly be a really good catch. He is 39. 5' 10?". His birthday is the day before mine. We have some things in common but not a ton. Enough to keep things interesting. So we will see how the in-person meeting goes.. if it goes...

My experience on eHarmony and Lavalife have been very discouraging. It is hard to not make the generalization that men are shallow. It is also very interesting that every guy lists all these sporting and hardcore fitness activities but seem to have no soul. They spend 100% of their free time working out.. who wants that? No other interests or hobbies than fitness. Don't get me wrong, I am all about a healthy lifestyle now.. but there is something to be said for balance!! Well I am sure they do have souls but aren't there any NORMAL guys out there? Most don't bother to even try once they see my photos.

It is definitely tough to be rejected on appearance alone. At the same time though, I wonder where all these fantastic guys are.. obviously not doing online dating..

so... After much deliberation, I decided to cancel both my eHarmony and Lavalife memberships. I didn't actually intend on continuing the Lavalife for the paid month but they billed me automatically so I had to go with it. If this thing works out with this guy I met on there, it will have been worth it for sure. At the very least I am sure I have met a friend!

I am taking tonight's speed dating session with an ounce of caution. I know now from my last experience that even having a great conversation with someone doesn't get you through that snap judgement on appearance. I had
some really inspired and interesting conversations with some of the guys at the last speed dating event.. and not one matched me... so weird... so telling...

I think the part that frustrates me the most, is that I know in a year or 2, after plastics and stuff, I will have the mind AND the body.. and I want to find someone BEFORE I get to that point because I want someone who wants me for more than just my body... and me looking all hot n stuff in the long term will be like a bonus for him for sticking with me through it.. but I can't/won't go telling potential dates these facts because not only does it defeat the purpose, but how do I explain it all? Does "he" (he being any guy with potential) even care? Will my history and my future seem too complicated or too challenging? Naturally I think I am worth the effort but how does someone else know I am worth the effort?

I went to bed a bit earlier than usual last night. I was pumped to get a bit of extra sleep... but then at 3:30 in the morning, I woke up from a nightmare. The stupid thing is, the nightmare wasn't even a nightmare!! I was scared over nothing!!! I dreamed I was in a parkade and it was night and fairly dim. I went into the stairwell and a homeless guy was talking to a pile of clothes or something.. then I get to the door of the level my SUV is on and there are 2 or 3 guys in hoodies that seem shifty.. when I come out of the door, they start walking towards me so I start screaming "HELP" "HELP"! and they walk right by me into the stairwell I came from! So I walk to my car, unlock it, get in, close the door... and before I have the chance to lock it, I wake up all freaked out.. like what the heck does that mean? When I opened my eyes, I was seeing all these funny outlines.. they wouldn't go away until I turned the light on.. weird. So I ended up getting back to sleep around 4 and then the alarm went off at 5:30 as if I had just closed my eyes. So annoying!

Anyway.. I also got a HUGE compliment in my acting class on Saturday. Joe-Norman Shaw is my instructor. He's a very interesting and very talented guy. Very respected. Anyway.. after I did my scene twice, he gave me some direction about how to approach it and in the end he said something to the effect of "I have nothing more to say, sometimes you have to let the actor do their thing and there is nothing you should change, but I take credit for the direction I gave of course!" lol. Such a compliment!! I watched the tape Sunday night and even I liked my performance!! :P So the pressure is on for next weekend.. I need to get my lines memorized!

Tomorrow I get my tattoo! I am excited and nervous. Not convinced my wrist is the best location. I'll update with the result of everything above this weekend maybe.

Drama.. Drama.. everywhere.. -136!

2008-02-26T23:29:00.002-07:00

What a month it has been! I started the month with as much drama as I am leaving it. Last weekend was Oscar weekend. It was also my second Essentials of Acting for TV and Movies class and it was also the weekend I FAINTED! for the first time!

Crazy!

Class was good. Much less stressful than I expected from the first class. I knew my lines and I think I delivered them fairly well considering I am brand new at this. I brought the VHS tape home and watched my performance.. not sure if I loved it.. I do have a lot to learn!

Saturday evening was even more dramatic.. I was at Brett's place with Janna and Lauren. I was prepping veggies for the Oscars party and relaxing in the house while Lauren and Janna worked on some shots for Janna's film class. I got a call to come out and help them with a couple of shots and so I was out there standing and suddenly I felt my face quiver and vibrate... I said "I feel like I am going to faint" and was the last thing I remembered. I was out cold.. I started dreaming immediately.. it was so vivid and colorful and fast paced and energetic of a dream. It was so relaxing.. so when I started to hear faint distant voices of Lauren calling my name and Janna asking if they need to call 911, I was startled and came to.. I remember thinking.. what the hell is going on .. what is the big deal.. I was sleeping here!!! And then I looked down and saw my muddy hands and realized I was outside on the ground at 9:30pm.. that is when I realized something was wrong and I got scared! I asked them to help me up right away and when I stood up, the ground under me was soaked! I was drenched with perspiration. I was taken inside right away and sat down, had some water etc..

I saw my doctor and he wasn't concerned. Neither was my chiropractor.. but neither seemed to know any reason why I went into REM immediately. Lauren and Janna saw my eyes going back and forth like they do in REM as well. No one seems to think that is normal to do when you faint but apparently it isn't a huge deal.

So I went ahead and booked an appointment with my sleep doctor to see if at the very least, he can give me some info on REM and why it might have happened or if he is concerned.

So Saturday was dramatic in many ways... then Sunday was oscars.. once again drama everywhere.. It was a great party Janna threw at Brett's new condo. I was still a bit out of it but overall it was ok.

I went to work Monday after my appointments and it felt like a write off. Tuesday was a busy day and Monday night I had Drama dreams.. I dreamed that John Travolta and Robin Williams quit acting and became consultants in Oil & Gas. Oi!

I have also become quite addicted to the Sweeney Todd soundtrack and look forward to seeing the movie again.

I also joined EHarmony this month.. So far no solid luck but I am going to be patient.

I go speed dating with Alice next Tuesday .. 25 dates.com so we will see how that goes.

Next Wednesday I get my tattoo! I will post pics when that is done. I am excited!

I am beat though.. time for some sleep!

Feb 15th, the aftermath.. and -131 if you're curious ;)

2008-02-15T12:54:00.000-07:00

I took the leap and went out for dinner.. by myself.. on Valentine's Day.

I shook my head when I just typed that statement.. Partially because I knew exactly what would happen but just HAD to experience it.. and partially because I really didn't enjoy myself.

I picked the worst day to experiment with dining alone. I picked the day when almost all the tables were couples... Not just couples.. but couples in that place in life where they aren't over Valentines yet and still ask eachother what foods they liked best last time they were there.. a little overkill I think..

So I ate alone in a restaurant twice yesterday and the experience was similar for both..

I sat at a 4 person table. I had cutlery and other implements for 1 and I ate in awkward silence.

I played with my Palm Treo.. lost a game of solitaire (talk about cliche), I pretended to watch TV which was muted and 20 feet away.. and had football on it. I listened to every word that I could hear from every conversation around me.. I watched people come and go, pay with credit card and cash. I noticed the occasional glance at me which undoubtably had a hidden question of how

I could possibly have the ...(guts, nerve, desire)... to dine alone. I did get a synpathetic smile from a guy at the table next to me but I took that more as polite than thought out.

I paid my bill and went on my way.. deciding that I definitely was successful in breaching my comfort zone, proud that I had the guts to do it, but feeling like I really needed to be around people socializing. As much as I love silent observation, I prefer to socialize!

I then went off to my all female choir practice.. on Valentine's Day and was out of my comfort zone all over again but in a different way.

Saturday I start my second acting class. I am excited and ready for it! I will know at least 2 people in the class which is nice, and I will meet new people which I love!

Tonight, Sushi at Kinjo and the movie 'Definitely, Maybe'.. should be good times!

February 14th... not just another day...

2008-02-14T12:01:00.003-07:00

I think that Valentines is one of those "special" days that really only means something to those that believe in it. Even though I am single, and virtually every single woman hates valentines day because it is a salt-in-wound day for them, I really just think it is another day created to give Hallmark and Flower shops more revenue.

Ok so I know thats not the true history behind Valentines Day, we all know St. Valentine never owned Hallmark but lets face facts, no one really celebrates St. Valentine anyway.

I say that I boycott Valentine's Day but that isn't entirely true. I think it is a money grab and I do think that it is overdone.. pink and red hearts everywhere... *gag*. If I was seeing someone, I would surely love to see some roses or something but you know, I'd like to get little tokens of appreciation like that any day of the year.

I am not sure how this came to be an idea but I decided that today, I would purposely spend time alone.. I went to breakfast alone and I will have dinner out.. alone.

I went to get my 6 month labs done.. a month late.. and since I was heading to work late anyway,

I decided to go for breakfast at Cora's.. alone..

I find it slightly amusing how people treat you when you tell them you are dining alone.. they say, "oh, just you then" and clear the other placemats/silverware from the table and when I asked for a newspaper.. she responded "Yes, I was going to ask".. really, the only reason I wanted a paper was to spare the other patrons from my analytical, judgemental stares ;)

I ate and enjoyed being alone.. it was empowering and relaxing. A bit boring.. granted.. but not painful or embarassing or anything like that.

So I decided to have dinner alone as well. I will go to Original Joe's or Globefish near the church my choir practice is held in. I will dine alone again on Valentine's day and I will enjoy it.

Besides.. I promised to stay as far out of my comfort zone this year as possible and I may as well start here.

What a fantasic birthday week! -129 by the way!

2008-02-13T22:35:00.001-07:00

I learned a lot last weekend. I learned exactly how important calling is, when you can't actually attend something you've RSVP'd a yes for.

I learned that it really isn't cut and dry when someone gives you their phone number. I went through that whole thing (but from the flip side) last month not realizing the other side of the story but now I completely understand the ambiguity of getting a business card. People are so strange though.. I wish for a change that people would do as they say and say as they do. That what you observe is reality and not a false representation and I just wish wish wish that there were more genuine people in this world. I didn't think people gave their phone number out without actually wanting to be called but apparently that happens. Crazy.

I learned that you can feel completely self conscious but as long as you are genuinely happy, you can look like a million bucks. I also realized that having fantastic friends can make even the most ormal birthday seem like a landmark birthday.

I also learned that being successful at something is a lot easier when you don't doubt yourself. Not just because of the positive vs. negative energy, but because everyone is full of self doubt for one reason or another and we're all so busy worrying about being judged or failing ourselves that we admire when someone puts themselves out there 100% and goes for it!

I learned more stuff but as Frank would say.. my blogs are too long so I had better cut to the chase.

Last Thursday, Lauren and I went to Tony Roma's for my free birthday dinner.. and so began my birthday weekend! I love that birthday club!

Friday, Nancy took me to Lunchbox Theatre for lunch. It was a great play called 'Security' and I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was also my first Lunchbox Theatre experience and I loved it! It turns out that my acting instructor is working on the play that is at Lunchbox Theatre Feb 18th! I have to check that one out.

After work, Lauren and I went to the nail salon and got new french gel nails. Really pretty looking but I wouldn't go back to that same place next time!

Saturday was busy! Lauren and I went to Cora's for breakfast. The breakfast was great as usual and they brought out an apple which was intricately carved to resemble a swan. They also had sparklers in it and raspberry sauce and english cream around the plate. YUM! They sang to us.. yes even my ex waiter crush sang to me.. the owners came by and wished me a happy birthday too. Great start to the day!

After breakie, Lauren and I went to the chiropractor and then to our Tattoo consultations.
I am getting mine in March and she will be getting hers late Feb! Debbie got me a gift certificate for my Tattoo for Christmas and I do really want to get it done. I have thought long and hard about it and I know exactly what I want. I asked for the Aquarius astrological symbol which is two wavy lines. I asked to have it done in purple which represents my birthstone amethyst. I decided on the aquarius symbol because there is a lot of constant change in my life and with getting back to the dating scene, acting classes, choir, not to mention weight loss, there is very little about me which stays the same.. but the one thing that will never change is my birthday.. I want the tattoo to keep me grounded and always remind me where I came from, what I have overcome and that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. I am having it done on my inside left wrist so that I can see it whenever I want but so that I can wear a watch or bracelet to cover it if necessary..

After the tattoo consults, we went to the Witchery and met Alice there. Alice audited my acting class that day so we went together. My class was a lot of fun as it always is.. it was my last class for that particular course and next Saturday I start a new class... I liked having Alice there. It was cool sharing that with someone.

After class we went right to dinner at Ric's grill. It was a great restaurant choice to say the least. Our waiter Laurent was very charming and I enjoyed his super fliratious style. It was a good ego stroke for me and gave me a little extra boost I didn't necessarily need that night because I already felt on top of the world, but I very much appreciated. I had the most delicious rack of lamb and creme brule for dessert which was the icing on the cake so to speak. The waiter brought out my dessert and gave me a kiss on the cheek after singing happy birthday to me. He also gave me a big hug and kiss on the cheek on the way out of the restaurant. I was definitely flattered. I am thankful to Debbie, Lauren, Nancy, Valerie, Alice, Janna, Kerry, Carrie and her friend for coming out.. I had a great time!

Sunday, I arranged for reservations to Smugglers for brunch. We went out and had some fantastic food and then went back to Deb's place for cake. A delicious cake from Yamato bakery. It was Raspberry Lycee mousse cake. YUM!

So the weekend was just wonderful. I felt fantastic, I had great fun, got to spend my birthday with people that meant a lot to me and I feel so lucky for having so many special people in my life!

AND... somehow, after all that food... cake... lamb... brunch... breakfast...

... I LOST 6 lbs between Friday and Monday, which puts me at a grand total loss of -129lbs!!!!!

Holy Shit!

Thanks for joining me on my journey!

Feb 4th Blog - better late than never!

2008-02-08T23:39:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night.

Everyone thought I had died in some tragic accident and rather than let everyone know I was ok, I went into hiding. I think I was hiding in an attic crawl space with a faux panel which I entered/exited from. It was strange because it was in a house that belonged to my family and many people who knew me and thought I was dead would come to visit periodically throughout the day but in general, I was able to roam the house freely. When a visitor came, I would hoist myself up into the crawl space in the attic and lay still. The two people (maybe family?) who were helping me hide would put the faux panel back in place and accept the visitor as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

So weird!

In part of the dream, I was looking through my wig collection to see how I could alter my appearance so that I could go out in public.

Now that I have dreamed about something like this, I question how anyone could live their life in hiding. That is no life at all! The thrill of the deception fades so quickly and suddenly you feel like a prisoner, except that you have placed yourself in the prison!

On to more normal things...

I had lost another 2 lbs up to the 25th of January. My total loss became 125 BUT.. since then, I regained another 3 lbs so my loss is back to 122. I am going to assume being sick was responsible for the big drop and perhaps the 3 lbs was a normal bounce back.

I went speed dating on the 26th. I had fun meeting new people and it was definitely an experience I won't regret.. but I was extremely disappointed. Most of the guys were shorter than me.. I am 5'83/4" and I know that odds are some of them would be shorter but it was really off balance. I GENEROUSLY said yes to 7 guys. I just thought being my first time that I would be open to whatever and let the chips fall as they may.. and I have to tell you I was SO RELIEVED when I got the email telling me there were NO matches! I had regrets when I went home that night.. Of the 7, I was hoping at least 5 or 6 didn't get my number!

I'd try speed dating again but not through calgaryspeeddating.com. I felt ripped off.. I paid $45 and drinks were NOT included, I met 10 guys and the hors d'ouvres were cheap. I'd rather pay more with another organization and have some guarantees! 25dates.com says they guarantee that if you don't get a match, the next speed dating session you go on is free. Thats fantastic because it shows they are trying to get you a match..

I am wiped right out! It seems I can't slow down! With my birthday coming up, I won't be able to slow down at all this next week either.

I went back to eating bread and pasta for a week or so and I already feel like complete crap again so I am back off of it.

I need to look into ways to improve my memory. I was hoping that weight loss would have had an immediate impact but I still have issues with memory..

I can memorize my lines for my acting class but I can't remember basic stuff like What channels on cable have which programs or names to faces.

I would love some feedback about memory conditioning if anyone has any suggestions!

6 Month Update -123lbs!

2008-01-24T20:18:00.000-07:00

Well, today is officially 6 months since surgery and I have lost 123 lbs!!!!! I lost 6 lbs this week!!!!

I feel like crap and I have pretty much lost my voice BUT I have lost 123 lbs in 6 months! Amazing!

I just wanted to share :)

Tea, popsicles and chicken noodle soup...

2008-01-23T17:27:00.000-07:00

These are the things that matter to me this very second. The things that soothe!

I was feeling fantastic this weekend.

As a matter of fact, I was a busy girl last week and all weekend. I saw Pirates of Penzance at U of C on Thursday, Had sushi and saw 2 movies (27 Dresses & Sweeney Todd) on Friday, met with my acting partner and had acting class (and then drinks with the boys) on Saturday & went shopping and then to another movie (Cloverfield) on Sunday. I made a comment this weekend to someone that I have done so much in the month of January compared to even the last 3 months of 2007 and that I knew my body would want me to slow down soon...

Monday morning I woke up and felt as though someone sprayed the inside of my lungs with alcohol. Every breath I took was like fire and I felt like I had to cough but I was afraid to because of the pain. I have a high pain tolerance and even this was too much for me! So I popped pain killers and went to work... I intended to leave work early but that didn't happen as planned either..

So here I sit on Wednesday evening feeling like crap (although I do feel less like crap than I did yesterday). I have been eating lots of soup today, drinking juice and tea... and I have visions of Popsicles dancing in my head to soothe my throat which is irritated from the coughing. Oh did I mention that the Doctor said it's a virus (aka the FLU). Grr. I guess my flu shot was for the OTHER flu strain going around. By the way, Fisherman's Friend lozenges really are my friend.

So let me tell you about my weekend.

Thursday: Pirates of Penzance

It was ok. Made me realize I don't think I would like the Opera but I do like the theatre in general. The Pirate King was a little too Johnny Depp (Pirates of the Caribbean) and the other main character Frederick was too quiet. This performance did teach me something though for my own acting class and the music was fantastic too so not all was lost!

Friday: Sushi, 27 Dresses and Sweeney Todd

Sushi was ok. We went to Sumo in Sunridge mall. Overall it tasted good but I am so in love with sushi at Kinjo that I find it hard to love sushi at other places. I always enjoy the raw salmon sashimi though so I am happy with that.

27 Dresses was fantastic. I loved it. I thought it was very funny and witty. I was surprised that it lived up to the description of Romantic COMEDY.

Sweeney Todd was very good.. definitely different.. I love musicals but this one was unlike any I have ever seen. Very dark, very gory and the storyline had a couple of holes but I still liked it a lot.

Saturday: Acting practice, acting class and Grindhouse on pay per view

I spent the day out doing acting stuff. Although my acting partner was over an hour late for practice, we managed to get a lot accomplished. Class was fun as usual and afterwards I went out to Moxies for drinks with some guys from class. It was nice not being around women for a change! The conversations are different and it is just really refreshing!

Sunday: Cora's, shopping and Cloverfield

The morning was interesting. It was the first time I had been back to Cora's since I gave the waiter my phone number. Of course he never called and I made all sorts of assumptions about why which is the typical woman thing to do.. But on Sunday I came to the realization that he just isn't interested. I bumped into him on the way to the washroom (he hadn't seen us come in and we weren't seated anywhere near his section). He said hi, asked how I was and I responded in kind.. and that was it. Zip. Zilch. Zero. No official vibe. Nothing changed. He was as he always was. And so that brought me to the conclusion that he isn't interested. If he was, he would have called.. and besides.. why would I be interested in someone who wouldn't act on it if he was interested. I am not desperate!

I went shopping as well on Sunday. To Chinook mall. Shopped for clothes to wear for Speed Dating on Saturday (which i may not be able to attend because I am sick!!!) :( I didn't find anything I really want to wear speed dating but I did find a bunch of sale stuff.. New runners and clothes all for a fantastic deal. I bought a hoodie for $12.50!!!!!

Later that night, we met some friends for another movie. Cloverfield. The disclaimer we had to read before buying our tickets was amusing.. Because it was filmed by handheld camera, it can cause bad nausea or dizziness and that we should sit as far back in the theatre as possible. We got prime seats in the back centre (second row from the back). It was perfect. The movie was great.. I liked it a lot. I did have to close my eyes on occasion because I got dizzy though. The difference with this movie though, is that every time I talk about it since I saw it, I see more and more holes, more and more things that were left unanswered, things that we were given clues to that came up empty..

So after a fun filled weekend, I was exhausted and my body let me have it! I am starting to think I won't get out to speed dating on Saturday which sucks because I was really looking forward to it. I am hoping I can get better really soon. If I am feeling better by Thursday night, I will still go.. Otherwise, I have to give 24 hours notice if I don't want to lose my money :(

I also want to be in good shape for choir on Thursday.. I am recording the session on my digital voice recorder and a bunch of coughing in the background won't be very helpful!

So anyway.. I sit here on Wednesday night at 7:30pm nearly ready for bed, not looking forward to going to work in the morning, but fantasizing about Popsicles arriving at the door!

Being me...

2008-01-13T00:08:00.000-07:00

I had one of my acting classes today. Loved it. As usual. I think it will be a challenge but I am excited about what I am learning. I also enrolled in the next acting class which begins the week after this one ends!

I also started choir this week and I think that will be really challenging. I normally sing alone.. as an individual. Solo. And suddenly, I am standing alongside a lot of other women and we are singing songs to sheet music in harmony. I don't find that easy at all! But it will be fun to perform!

So acting and singing huh? What a shift my life has taken this year compared to last! I am loving it but I also feel very much like I am brand new all over again! You know, when you start a new job and suddenly you don't feel much like a guru anymore.. well, last fall I definitely felt like the guru of my life and now.. I feel new.. brand spanking new!

I think this is a good feeling though... when you spend your life where everything is so familiar and comfortable that you feel like you could live with your eyes closed, you don't learn and grow as much as you can.. Now that I am in learning mode where my comfort zone is waaaaaaaayy over there... I can grow as an individual. And forgive the pun but this time, I am growing spiritually, emotionally and mentally... not physicially.

I am definitely disappointed in the phone number situation.. I gave someone my phone number.. someone I was 100% sure was interested in me.. someone I have known casually for a while.. and he didn't call.

I don't know how many people will understand this, but I think the part of the situation which bothers me the most.. the thing that makes this much harder.. is that I trust my instincts and rely on them every day. I use them to manage my life. If my instincts about him were wrong, what does that mean? Does that mean I can't trust my instincts at all?

This hasn't put a dent in my self esteem or anything and I really look forward to speed dating.. at least just to see what it is all about.

A very wise friend made me see this whole situation for what it really is.. I overcame a fear, I learned something, I took a risk and I grew as a person and no amount of rejection can take that away from me.

I will go back to Cora's again. Soon. I love it there too much to not go.

So I am definitely fulfilling my goals for 2008. Not resolutions. No. They are goals. Only I know when they have been accomplished to my satisfaction. They aren't a list of specific tasks that are just waiting to be ignored, they are extentions of my own passion, the very essence of what drives me as an individual.

I am exhausted! Putting myself "out there" is tough work!

Day 3 (at 11am) - No call

2008-01-09T09:26:00.000-07:00

It is 9am on Wednesday morning, 3 days after giving HIM my business card with my full name, number, email address and profession. It also included a little note.. "Give me a call sometime.. Pia."

As a woman, and of course as being the one who initiated this process, I am struggling with the waiting game. I want to understand HIS side of things but of course all I can do is speculate, make assumptions and get frustrated.

I feel compelled to share this thought process because I know, from speaking with other people who have been in this situation before, that this is not unique to me.

Here are some possible assumptions of why he hasn't called that have made their way through my brain:

-He lost the card/my number
-He tossed the card before reading the back thinking I was being all professional-like and not trying to pick him up
-He's too shy to call
-He's just not interested
-He's married/involved already
-He's Gay
-He's being a guy and waiting as per the unspoken rule of days
-Maybe my message wasn't clear enough

I've learned over the years that I am really not the most patient person on the planet. I am an instant gratification kind of person, which irritates me because I think our society in general has become too 'Want it now, gotta have it now". And yet here I am doing the exact same thing.

And of course, because of who I am, I have told many of my friends and some family about HIM and me giving him my number. I think I partly told them all because I can't seem to keep my private life private (hence this blog) but also because I can't believe I had the gumption to give him my number in the first place and I wanted them to know I have gumption!

If I know anything about my own life path, it is that everything happens in an intricate pattern which close-up seems disjointed but when all is said and done, comes together seamlessly. In retrospect, it all looks perfectly crafted and everything happened for a good reason.

I am not afraid to admit I am putting way too much thought and energy into this process, and I will be the first to admit that I am completely inept in this dating (or in my case non-dating) scene.

In an effort to gain more experience, talk to some eligible men and get "out there", I am going to a speed dating session with a friend. It's kind of like 7 minutes in heaven but without the closet and with a lot more fire and brimstone.

Also, in an effort to be less critical and much more open to whatever comes my way, I sent a message into the cosmos (which means, I told my friends and by saying it out loud makes it more real), saying that I will accept the offer of a "real date" from the very next guy who asks me out (who is under 40 and doesn't scare me). I have to say "real date" because I go out for lunch or coffee or dinner with a lot of guy friends so it has to be clearly a date for it to count.

I know that doesn't make a lot of sense.. it makes sense to me and that's all that matters! Don't mistake this as an act of desperation.. I am far from desperate... right now.. As I said, I am just getting out there.. this year is my year to broaden my horizons "out there" and that's what
this is about.

On a side note, I didn't realize what ignorant bliss I was in over the past few years while I kept myself out of the dating scene. Wow, it is so much easier to be clear headed when you're not thinking about men!

Anyway, I will most definitely keep everyone posted about what happens next. If I don't post, it is more likely that I did meet someone because who has time to blog when you're dating??!?! ;)

Wish me luck!

To boldly do...

2008-01-07T11:26:00.000-07:00

I may have added a little bit of flair to make this all flow and sound a bit less like a high school diary entry but this is what happened on Sunday..

To set this up..

I heard something on the radio.. immediately after praying to the destiny Gods, asking how to meet Mr. Right, Mr. Right Now or even Mr. Not-a-creep.

The words came through the radio as if to me specifically.. "If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.." and so this is what inspired the boldest move ever made in "Pia's Dating History"..

I have been going to a certain restaurant since it opened a year and a half ago and gradually over the past year and a half, my interest in a certain waiter has been growing.. he's consistently been there and on occasion we have been seated in his section but really, my admiration has been a "crush from afar" Until now...

"It was like poetry... Like I put the words onto paper myself. But this was something I didn't control. Something I definitely didn't write and something I really didn't expect. It came together like a symphonic melody. Or something like that anyway!

So this time, we walk into the restaurant. He sees me, looks happy to see me, smiles and says good morning or something to that effect. I can't read lips and the restaurant is already noisy with food being served and chatter from the tables around us.

We were seated as far away from HIS section as physically possible. Not only were we seated a good distance from him, but we were placed in a separate little room, so we had a whole wall between us! The little faux windows around our room didn't provide much opportunity.

He seemed disappointed about where I was seated but I think that might have been my own feelings projecting.. I was disappointed.

I was so happy to see him again. It had been nearly 2 months I think.. it felt like longer. I had planned on giving him my phone number months ago. I last saw him on my friend's Birthday and the very next time I went to the restaurant, I planned the business card drop.. I planned it... and he wasn't there. or the time after that.. I finally asked the waitress about him. He was on a sabbatical. What?? Well, At least he was coming back! Eventually..

I barely caught 'one second' glimpses of him throughout the morning. We were there almost 2 hours and I caught his eye twice.

I had the business cards written up in my purse waiting to be given to him. One was simple.. short, to the point. The other was longer, more explanatory, more complex. My friends agreed that I should compromise the two and have a card with a little more but not a long explanation as to why I am giving him my number.

We had our breakfast. In the past, he had gone out of his way to cross my path to say hi to me or smile at me. Not today. He's too busy and I am too far away. I feel so silly for being so infatuated with someone I barely know. I have known him a year and a half but really I don't KNOW him. I have spent only minutes talking to him once or twice a month at best. But he's so attractive.. and that keeps my interest.

We make our commute to the cash register. I keep my business card in hand and follow my friends and sister to the front. I am startled for a second when I see him at the cash.. is he working the register?? No, just helping with a question.. hmm. that would have been helpful if he was. He leaves the cashier before we even get close. Back to his section.

I walk to the front. He's busy working.. head down and focused. As my friends pay, I keep looking around the restaurant. Trying not to be obvious but still sending out the "look over here" vibes.. hoping he notices I am leaving..

...and then he does. He looks up, sees me, smiles, waves and says good bye.
I can read his lips when he says that.. but I think its more the wave that I am able to interpret.

I respond with.. "Good Night!" ... at 11am, I wished him a good night. I am such a dork!

Suddenly, as if on impulse, he says something to me from across the restaurant. He's never initiated conversation before. I still can't read lips.. so I mouth the words "What did you say?" and take 2 steps closer. He moves in two steps closer as well and repeats what he said. Again, I can't hear him over the bustle of the restaurant.

So we move closer still and suddenly we come together in the centre of the restaurant. His face was flushed.. blushing? hot? embarrassed? He asks me if I am just now leaving, or if I came back for lunch. I laughed and responded, "I know I am addicted to this place but coming back so soon would be a bit much.." so he replied, "A good long breakfast then, that's good!"

I smiled and with that, we said good bye... but then, as if someone was behind me acting as my puppeteer, I said "wait" and he stopped & turned to me. I handed him my business card... [my phone number, my full name, my profession & my email address].

He smiled and said "Thank you very much", turned away and went back to work.

I don't remember being in control of my body from about the time I wrote that business card until I left the restaurant. I was on pure instinct and adrenaline. Perhaps that was for the best.

I held my breath from the second I handed him my card, to the minute I got outside. I took a deep breath of the frigid January air and began trembling. Partly because it was brisk outside but mainly because the adrenaline in my body was on overdrive just to get me the courage to do that.. by far the boldest thing I have done.

Making the first move.. in a wholesome family breakfast establishment isn't exactly something I do all the time.. as a matter of fact, it is something I have never done.

I think the most shocking aspect of this for me, is that I actually had the nerve to do it in the first place. It is something I have always wanted to do but never had the courage. Never had the confidence in myself.

Granted, there is no guarantee that he is interested in me, even if I felt a chemistry. There is definitely no guarantee he will call. But I did it because I do feel a chemistry between us and I do think he is interested in me.

At least this way, I will never have to wonder what would have happened if I hadn't done it. At least this way I'm not just admiring him from a distance forever while eating my Eggs Benedictine!

And the fact of it all is.. I wouldn't have even had the opportunity to make my move unless he did what he did. He struck up a conversation. He made this whole thing possible. Had he just waved, turned around and gone back to work like so many other times, I would have left the restaurant, card in hand, and wondered if there would ever be another opportunity or when it would have been too late, like I thought it was in the fall when he decided to go on sabbatical.

In my mind, my poetic roots are aching to finish the poem with a romantic happy ending.. he calls, and we live happily ever after..

But I have seen this before.. with other people.. it happens every day I am sure. He could reject me. He could be in a relationship already. He could be gay.

I certainly hope not, but it doesn't matter to me what decision he makes. I don't want to be with someone that isn't interested in me. I am not in love with him. I did what I did for me and me alone. If he is interested, that is fantastic. But if not, I will live.. I will move on and I will be happy.

So for now, this piece of my life, this poem, remains unfinished.. "

-114, a new photo, collar bones and boys!

2008-01-04T23:43:00.000-07:00

Happy New Year! It is 2008 and with the new year comes new challenges. New ambition. New goals and most of all, new relationships. I'm not just talking about dating relationships. I am also talking about family, friends and even work relationships.

As I have likely mentioned numerous times, this is also the year I am going to be putting myself out there.. I feel like my birthday party should be a "coming out" party but more in the traditional sense rather than contemporary sense since I am not a lesbian!

I was out today with Lauren and some of her ex co-workers and current friends. She was saying farewell to her old job and I was there to reap the benefits.. food and good conversation that is..

I love socializing, especially with new people and I am finding more and more that even though I am not actually dating anyone, I really enjoy the company of the opposite sex.. even when its innocent flirting.. even when there isn't any chemistry.. its just fun! Ok so granted I always knew I enjoyed that.. but as I am losing weight, I am gaining confidence.. part of that confidence includes a boy crazy woman!

I have lost 114lbs. I am 352 and in just over 5 months, I have lost the equivalent of a supermodel. I have a new picture which I did post and I compared it to the picture taken of me on the day of surgery which I also posted below. It is insane how much I have changed and even more insane is the fact that I really don't see it all the time. I will be thinking I am the same old Pia until I look in the mirror and I see just how narrow my shoulders have become.. or I will try and button up my coat only to realize the buttons are 6 inches away from where they should be.. I need to take that jacket and move in those buttons!

Starting tomorrow, I begin my new acting class. I am hoping to make new friends, meet new people and have some fun. I also plan on learning a lot! Next Thursday I also start choir practice! I am extremely happy about both of these things. They fit in perfectly with my plan to get myself out and about in 2008.

I am struggling with the dating stuff. Not sure where to start.. I thought about speed dating and the Meet Market program but I wonder if it isn't easier than that? I mean we all know 80-90% of jobs aren't advertised so couldn't that also be true of single men? I searched facebook for people born the exact year as me in Calgary that are single and hundreds come up on the search for men alone! I know networking is a good way to find work but it should also work for finding single men right?

I know people with single guy friends and they aren't jumping at the chance to introduce me to them. I don't know if they are trying to spare me or him, but I think it should be a rule that those who know single people should introduce those single people to eachother.. How else are we going to meet them? Now hold on hold on.. I am not talking a set up or a blind date.. I am talking a casual gathering of friends.. a neutral way for everyone to meet. As long as there is no assumptions made about whether or not two single people would get along.. introduce them and let them figure it out.. afterall, only I know who I am compatible with right?

I also think it is really unfair and quite insulting when someone I know (who is aware I am looking to meet a guy) constantly recommends that everyone meet their single male friends except for me... Ok that sounds a little like I just stomped my feet in frustration like a 6 year old but you can imagine how annoying it is to always hear.. oh so and so should meet Mr x. and Oh so and so would be perfect for Mr. x... I just want to be considered a hot commodity in that area rather than an afterthought or not thought of at all.

I've been noticing growing interests in many guys but I am clueless as to where to go from here. I am lusting after a guy whose name I don't know, a guy who I have known for a year but thinks of me as a 'regular customer' rather than potential lover (who very well could be way too young for me) and a guy that is quite obviously in a committed relationship which I have no intention of messing with.. but a girl can always hope for the best ;) I just have no idea what to do next. I am not patient to start with...

I am sure in 5 years I will be laughing about what a total nerd I have been with respect to dating but I have to live with the fact that I am good at the flirting but terrible at transforming that into something substantial..

Oh wow I am just beat tonight. Apparently going out and having a whole bunch of laughs is more exhausting than I thought. I guess going to a dance bar in a few weeks will be a big change. I've also planned a birthday dinner for myself.. raw oysters on the half-shell. YUM!

Well, I have to take my sleepy ass up to bed so I can sleep in before my acting class!

I will try to avoid all the gushy mushy guy talk next time and talk about current events or something!!!

Thanks for reading!

Christmas is over.. now for my favourite time of year...

2007-12-26T14:43:00.000-07:00

2007 is winding up, Christmas is over for this year and the New Year is about to begin.

This is my all time favourite time of year. Christmas is over, so the pressures of the season have subsided, but the new year hasn't yet begun so my new goals or "resolutions" haven't been put in place yet. I guess you can say it is the time of year when I feel like I am free of holiday obligation... that is until Dec 31st. I don't generally believe in New Years Resolutions.. I think they set a person up for failure because they are usually really big goals in an unreasonable time frame or multiple goals that individually could be achievable but together seem impossible. They also almost always involve some form of weight loss plan which really should be a lifetime plan and not just a yearly thing... anyway...

Christmas this year brought me a gift that I was definitely not expecting. This gift actually made me nervous for a split second when I opened it. Thats probably why I love it so much. Finally, someone took my own words, believed my conviction and set in motion the actual reality of them. I received a gift certificate to get my first Tattoo! I say first because apparently tattoos are addictive.

I already know what I want for my first tattoo. The Aquarius symbol. I chose it because I am an Aquarius and that is one thing about me that will never change. I love my astrological symbol and it will always remind me of who I am deep down, where I came from and to always stay true to my core beliefs and values. My original plan for a tattoo was for a butterfly to symbolize my transformation with the weight loss but that will have to come after plastic surgery when everything is all trim and tight.

So anyway, 2008 should be a really exciting year for me. I have gone down 3 clothing sizes in the past 6 months, I am down 107 lbs right now and I begin some new and exciting activities in the new year. Acting and singing! I am also embarking on a new project for work which is a little bit intimidating because I am not completely sure what that will hold for me. I am also not sure it will benefit me careerwise.

2008 is also the year for me to get out there and date and meet someone special. That will definitely be a tough one for me. I am not good at the dating game so I need to hone some skills fast. I am hoping that making a goal to meet someone this coming year isn't too intimidating or a goal that is unattainable. I don't plan on going hunting, or settling for someone I wouldn't normally choose just to meet my goal, but I am a romantic deep down and hey, I think it's finally my turn! That sounds so dorky but what can I say? I'll keep my eyes and mind open for this one.. and I will take help anywhere I can get it.

Maybe this year will just be a "social year" for me. I'll aim to make new friends and see what happens..

-104, party life and Bluetooth?

2007-12-17T22:59:00.000-07:00

Well, for starters I am now down 104 lbs.. continually getting smaller. It hit me last night.. I will NEVER be this big again. I will never gain this weight back. I will get to a normal size and stay there within 10 or so lbs forever... naturally it won't be a picnic the whole time.. I will have struggles and I will have challenges but I never have to worry about ballooning up to this size again! You have no idea how relieving that is...

We had our Jul party and introduced some friends to Danish traditions. It was a lot of fun and as usual we had good company. Our parties are developing a good reputation which makes us feel good. Of course it helps that we have great friends too!

Bluetooth... oh boy..

At the party I was showing people some of my cool ring tones that I got in Brazil. A couple of the guys wanted the ring tones so we decided to sync up through bluetooth.. I had no idea a cell phone connection could resemble dating so much.. too funny!

It was amusing because we tried so hard to sync up but had issues and weren't able... there were all sorts of innocent comments flying around that seemed so ironic to me.. "hmm are you sure you are sending out a signal?" "You need to allow me to connect to your device" "Can you see me on your list of possible connections? Did you search for me? I made myself available!" "Hmm, maybe our devices just aren't compatible"

We had a good laugh. The innuendo was amusing even though not intentional. Sadly, it seemed all too familiar... You find someone you want to make a connection with and either they are unable to connect for whatever reason, or they are incompatible...

I was talking to another single friend tonight about single life. Its weird talking about all this again. Going from being all independant not needing anyone to suddenly craving that connection. It was comforting talking to her about stuff but still like the blind leading the blind.

I need a few good ideas where I can meet these eligible guys.. no bars of course.. but where aside from speed dating do I meet a single 30 something guy? (This is where someone jumps in and offers me all sorts of ideas ;) Hint Hint...)

I am looking forward to January.. choir, acting class and my new project at work... I am just looking forward to 2008... to living my life finally, for once..

Danish is as Danish does

2007-12-14T15:21:00.000-07:00

I felt compelled to write a quick blog today in the midst of a flurry of seasonal activities. Lauren and I are throwing a small dinner party today. We are having a Danish celebration with traditional Danish fare, history and a little peek into how we Danes celebrate Christmas.

I am so incredibly excited about this today.. I look forward to doing this again one day. Now that my mom has moved away, we have put a lot of our Danish traditions aside as they really do require people to share them with. But now that we do get to share, I am so excited.

But I have to say that today, I feel more Danish than I have ever felt before. I can't exactly put into words how it feels, but I can explain why I feel this way...

Today I went to the Danish Deli to buy the things we needed for dinner. And for the first time, I was without my Danish speaking mom. I ordered all the things I needed, in Danish. I ordered them all with their proper Danish names all pronounced properly.

I was also so excited that I remembered my favourite danish dessert Kransekage which is an almond paste cookie similar to Marzipan but lighter and less sweet. Danes make wedding cakes out of these cookes when they are baked into rings and stacked like an inverted cone or pine tree shape.

I bought some Danish flag decorations and lots of Danish goodies. I spent an hour weaving some traditional Danish hearts for my dinner guests and bought more paper today so that I can make more still.

Anyway, I wanted to share my joy with you. I feel like today, I have become one with my Danish heritage.

:) God Jul everyone!

100 and then some...

2007-12-10T12:11:00.001-07:00

So I finally did it, and only a week longer than my original goal.. I am down more than 100 lbs! Today's official weigh-in was -102 (364lbs) but that part doesn't matter... I am down over 100 and I feel great!

Went to a Christmas party on Saturday... the day I hit -100. It was a lot of fun. Great Big Sea played a 2 hour concert for the party and the cocktail party style buffet dinner was really good. I enjoyed the food, dancing and of course seeing people I haven't seen in a while.

I am also really enjoying Facebook and being able to keep in touch with old friends and to be reminded of some really great memories.

I am almost done my Christmas shopping and the Costco/Ikea trip was a lot quicker and less painful than I anticipated.

Today at lunch I am going to return a book to a store and just hang out with Nancy while she does some shopping. I am so excited that I will one day be able to walk into any number of stores and find clothes that fit but for now, I live vicariously.

I also sent Michelle Schurman from Global TV my weight loss update just to keep her in the loop! I feel like a broken record telling people how much I have lost but then again, I will only experience this once so I might as well enjoy it right?

This week should be interesting. Busy and full of lunches with people I haven't seen in a while. Friday I am working from home or off and in the evening we have the Jul party which will introduce some of our friends to Danish traditions and food :)

Anyway... I will likely post more when something interesting happens this week.. something interesting is bound to happen!

Decisions, Sushi and a Japanese Lucky Cat...

2007-12-06T21:43:00.000-07:00

I feel really lucky. I've had a lot of great things happen to me and I have so many wonderful people in my life. I've been lucky to have lunch with or spend time with friends. It is always nice to spend time with great people around the holiday season. It seems like time is so tight that having time with friends is much more special. Next week will be even better because I will get to see some friends I haven't seen in a while. People who haven't seen me since before surgery too!

This week .. well the whole month so far has been chaotic. I can't seem to get things done at work. Too many people busy with too many other things. Its frustrating because I know I am not always at the top of my game, I'm tired more often than I would like to admit and my focus is often scattered. I think I am most frustrated when I feel like I have A.D.D. I feel like everything I have to has to be done all at once and so nothing gets done. I need to relax, to sleep, to centre myself.

I extended my contract at work today. Should be for 6 months. On a new project which is both exciting and daunting. I am excited because it is something different but I am nervous about getting the opportunity to finsh the work I have already. I am working on 3 manuals and the first is taking so long (because of interruptions) that I don't know if they will all get done on time. PLUS now that I have agreed to extend my contract, I have been asked to begin splitting my focus to the new project virtually immediately. With Christmas, business paperwork(taxes), socializing and school work, my brain is numb!

So I don't really have anything to complain about and I am not complaining at all! I work at a company that does have a lot of opportunity even though they can't take me on full time yet. I work with some great people and many of my friends are close enough to where I work that we can meet for lunch or dinner.

Ok back to my day.. I went shopping today. I bought a couple Christmas gifts and 2 pairs of shoes. Nice shoes! Not running shoes! Shoes that require stockings instead of socks! That is exciting for me. I have hated being confined to runners and although the practical and rational part of me has insisted I get orthotics to fit my new stylin shoes, I am proud that I can look like a woman from the knees down too!

So after work, Lauren picked me up, we ran some errands and then went to Kinjo for sushi. Ok I have to emphasize how much I LOVE Kinjo! We sat at the sushi bar because the regular tables were full. I didn't mind because we weren't planning on staying long. We ordered the stuff we couldn't get off the floating boats (sashimi and raw oysters) and picked some items off the boats. Our server (I think the owner's son and oh so handsome...) took care of us... Gave us our free samples and the boxes of pocky that have become routine.

We finished up with what we planned but we've finally learned our lesson that if Peter Kinjo(the owner) is around, we have to leave a little extra room for whatever he gives us for free.. this time it was a tempura basket (2 shrimp and 3 vegetable). After finishing that, we got our bill and headed to the cashier.

While I was paying, Peter showed up and asked me how I was doing. I told him how great I feel and that I've lost 98 lbs. He was so happy for me. He walked over to his cabinet (where he keeps his special pocky treats - chocolate almond flavored etc..) and then stopped, said "hold on I have something special for you" and ran to the back.. When he came back he had a little ceramic kitty figurine. He put it on the counter and told me that when I lose 100lbs, to shake it and wish for whatever my heart desires to come true. He told me about how in Japan, cats in the house are lucky and bring wealth and luck to the home. The figurine is so cute and it really means a lot to me when people share their culture with me like that. I gave Peter 2 hugs and then we headed home.

So my day has been pretty good! Overall good. I need to relax and let my mind sort out what my priorities are but overall good.

On another topic, as I mentioned in my previous post, I am thinking more about dating and putting myself out there into the social scene more. With that said, I have also been seeking the advice from single and married men and women I know. I feel like I have no idea what the hell I am doing when it comes to dating and it seems like since it has been so long, I am putting too much emphasis on particular guys rather than just keeping things open. With that said, I am still not sure where/how I am supposed to meet these potential eligible men and how I am supposed to get them to notice me. Any advice is welcome as usual. I am enjoying being on the receiving end of advice for a change. I almost forgot how much harder it is to receive advice than it is to give.

I am still struggling with my body image. Nancy said it best... "Pia, you're not as big as you think you are". I remember looking at myself in the mirror at work and as if the mirror itself was liquid, my body shrunk right before my eyes. It was as if my own perception caught up with my weight loss finally. It was freaky but a huge blessing at the same time. I was able to finally admit that I really have no concept of my body and unless someone my exact size (height & weight) is in front of me, I may never understand how big I am. But then, does it matter at all??

So for now, I am going to do my best to keep doing my best. I will keep my options open with dating (I refuse to pay $80 for a speed dating session). I will get through Christmas, start acting and choir next year and let 2008 be the year I get out there and start living my life to the fullest. I've developed myself on the inside and now it is time to work on getting out there.. being the active person I have always wanted to be.

I hope you have a fantastic Christmas and New Year. I am not sure what I will be doing for New Years Eve this year but I know it will be something good. Even being at home with the kitties is good. I could use the break.

-97, dating & taxes

2007-11-27T19:25:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I have gone a full week without blogging. I have had a lot on my mind but I think they are things that you just don't want to spill out onto a page not to mention the WWW.

I am down 97lbs now. 3 left until my goal of -100 by Dec 1st. Not much time left. I sure do like to keep things close to the wire don't I?

I feel fantastic. Tired at times and full of energy at others but overall fantastic. I bought a few new pieces of clothing. Its nice to have a bra that supports and fits my new figure.

It is nice to have pants that aren't falling off and it is nice to feel like I look sexy for a change.

On that note, I decided I am ready to re-enter the dating scene. I am currently smaller than I have been in the past 12 or 15 years and as if something just hit me over the head, I realized that I am ready to get out there again. I just hope the world is ready for me ;)

It is getting close to Christmas and I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. My contract for my job is up for renewal and that is always nerve wracking. I am going to 3 major Christmas Parties (2 for companies I used to work for and 1 for the company I currently work for) neither of which I was invited to by the company itself.

I need to file my business taxes and that is stressing me out as well. I hate tax stuff. I wish someone would just take it all away and bring it back all figured out and filed.

I've started to realize I need to chill out and stop pushing myself so hard. I am going through huge changes with the weight loss and I am pushing to get and acheive new goals, find new hobbies, date, be social and overall just do everything I want to do. I need to chill out, slow down and enjoy being 32 for a few days. Then I will be 33 and I can restart my quest to better myself.

I would be much more excited about Christmas if things weren't so hectic (which I fully brought on myself) but I also secretly wish that I still had some Danish traditions as part of my celebrations. I miss it terribly. Lauren is planning a Jul party which should help me feel less like I am missing it, but it isn't the same!

I am looking forward to this weekend. As hectic as it will be, I will be going to a Guitar Hero/Singstar party Friday night which should be a blast, the ABSU Christmas party on Saturday with Debbie and then the Movin' Out Broadway Musical on Sunday. Holy I can't believe I am doing all that in one weekend! So much for chillin with the kitties. I miss them!

Anyway. I need to bite the bullet and work on my tax paperwork. *groan*

A full weekend!

2007-11-18T23:41:00.000-07:00

Oh wow! What a weekend! Ok so granted I haven't been able to really sleep in or relax with the kitties this weekend.. but... What a weekend it was!

It all started on Friday when Lauren and I took in the 3D Imax Beowulf movie. Ok so the movie really kinda sucked compared to Beowulf and Grendel (starring Gerard Butler). But we were able to have a great slice of pizza from "pizza pizza" in the Scotiabank Theatre and it was an interesting experience seeing the movie in 3D.

Then, bright and early Saturday morning, Lauren and I picked up Nancy from her place and took her to Cora's for breakfast. It was an early start (7:30 am breakfast on a Saturday morning) but it was so great having breakfast with Lauren and Nancy and being able to celebrate Nancy's birthday with her. Cora's was also celebrating this week so they had balloons all over which was so appropriate. Lauren even won a travel mug during one of the hourly draws! The staff came and sang to Nancy and they presented her with a really pretty swan made from a skillfully cut apple.

Part of the experience at Cora's too, is the little Stockholm Syndrome-esque crush I have on one of the waiters there. I have been seeing him there once or twice a month for the last year and I think he's groovy lol! I definitely sense a bit of chemistry but we'll see what happens there!

After breakfast, we drove Nancy to Mount Royal College for her class and then went to a chiropractor appointment. We had planned on a lot of downtime between breakfast and the early 4pm dinner but we only got a quick clothing shopping trip in before having to head over to Debbie's place. I picked up a couple really hot shirts and a new bra that magically picks up my "girls" and puts them in the right place. Hot hot hot!

So dinner was fun, early (which suits me fine because I can eat any time as long as I have the time to eat!) . I met some new people which makes me happy, and I was able to spend some time with my family. I was preoccupied though and for that I feel bad. I had some things on my mind. I was a girl wearing a hot new blouse and my magic bra, and I felt like a million bucks!

So after dinner we all went to Deb's place for guitar hero/singstar/american idol games, and a few healthy snacks. For the first time, I sampled some pineapple and tomato salsa and I was impressed. I love tomatoes and I love pineapple so it was a big hit. I also got the recipe!
We watched some of the boys play guitar hero for a short while but then the girls kicked up a game of singstar and a couple of the guys joined us. It was so much fun!

Lets just say that Britney Spears, Yoda, Regis Philbin and Herbert (the 80 yr old pedophile from Family Guy) were all featured! I haven't laughed that much in hmm a looong time! We got home late.. after 1am..

So Sunday we planned brunch with Alice to celebrate her birthday which was the previous Thursday. We decided late Saturday night to move the brunch to noon, and so Debbie, Michael, Lauren, Alice and I were all enjoying a brunch buffet. The food was great and it is always nice to have a variety of anything you want to eat!

After brunch, Lauren and I ran home to relax for about an hour before heading out to dinner at Milestones and the Theatre. I changed into another sexy top and we headed downtown. Dinner was nice but kind of annoying. They accidentally rang in the wrong order for me and so I had to wait longer for my Grilled Seafood Salad. It is ironic too since I take the longest to eat!

So I finally got my meal, ate and after Alice had her amazing ganache dessert, we paid and headed to the theatre.

Some of the group ran ahead to get in line because tonight was the Director's Cut of the musical mystery play "The Mystery of Edwin Drood". At only $10 a head tonight (compared to the regular $31) it was a steal!

If anyone is curious, after having seen the play, I highly recommend it and would have gladly paid $31. It is at the Vergito Theatre at the base of the Calgary Tower.

It was an interractive play which allowed to audience to decide the final outcome! Well acted and even better, the performances were over and above any I have seen before.

So here I blog, at 12 am and I am beat tired but still whirling from a weekend of family, friends, fun, flirting, fantastic food, music and the theatre.

This weeked was AWESOME! I will never forget it!

Random thoughts

2007-11-14T16:38:00.000-07:00

It is frustrating for a chronic communicator to not be able to get her point across. That is my never-ending struggle. Being misunderstood.

I could even go as far as to complain with the cliche, "That is the story of my life."

And so I wonder, how do I demonstrate who I am to someone I meet for the first time, effectively, efficiently and with enough flare that I am not a boring "whomever" but a dynamic individual?

Who am I. Good question.. damn good question.

Maybe the real me is just "awkward" and we (me and everyone else) are so used to it, that it is one of my traits that blends into my eternal landscape?

Who am I? I wonder what matters more? Who I am, or who I want to be.. after all we really can't change who we are to begin with but we always have control over who we become.. So maybe who I am is far less important than who I will become? Or am I just talking in circles?

Yeah, I do talk in circles. Honestly, I do.

So ok, I am a 32 year old woman who feels such a strong sense of self internally but can't seem to project that outward to evoke the desired reaction of interest and curiosity I desire so much.

I have a strong sexual presence which is slowly being released through my weight loss but is still kept under tight watch from the demons of self-consciousness.

I love to be creative. Period. Everything and anything.

I love my ability to perceive, my ability to inquire and my ability to feel.. to be empathic. I also love my ability to remain balanced which has seen me through some of the most turbulent times in my life.

Ok so apparently I love myself. lol. Yeah good start.. Kind of..

I made a list of one word descriptions of who I think I am.. I came up with a whole bunch of wonderful words that describe my achievements and skills.. I found some criticisms and poked fun at myself a little. I labeled myself appropriately and inappropriately.

But really.. Who am I? Who is Pia and what is she all about?? What is my most consistent attribute? I can't be the token fat girl for much longer so what is my identity really, without the pounds?

I am a lover of life. I feel alive yet I am so anxious to live life to the fullest. I feel like I really haven't started living yet..

I guess all this "who am I" stuff really breaks down to.. "How do I want to be perceived by others?".

I want to be respected, loved (both deeply and passionately) & looked up to (as a mentor and role model). I want to be thought of as interesting, smart, funny, clever, sexy, wise, spontaneous, random, consistent, grounded, flexible, optimistic.. did I mention attractive?

Then again... who doesn't?

So with all this reflection and confusion I am still left not quite knowing who I am... but I know who I used to be...

I had some pretty steep goals for myself. Within the past 7 years I set the following goals:

1) Find a good career
2) Quit smoking
3) lose weight
4) stop biting my nails
5) fall in love

#5 was an unfair goal to set. Even achieving it doesn't guarantee anything. It could be one sided which is why I ended up removing it from my list. #4 is still an ongoing struggle but I have had some pretty nails for a while..

#1 I found a great career. Technical Writing. I love it. I am employed in it full time as a contractor. (Goal Achieved but development ongoing)

#2 I quit smoking April 7, 2001. I did it for my health and for the health of my family. I did it because I decided that year to pursue weight loss surgery and I didn't want to be a hypocrite.(Goal Achieved)

#3 Well, July 24, 2007, I had weight loss surgery and now at 92 lbs down I have to say that goal is pretty well taken care of. I will lose the weight virtually automatically now. (Goal Achieved)

So this is why I am left wondering who I am. I'm not going to be the fat girl much longer. I have achieved all of my major goals.. Goals I honestly didn't think were achievable when I set them. So now I start over with new goals, creating a new chapter in my life novel. What goals do I set?

And without suffering from amnesia, I still wonder...

"Who am I?"

Your feedback is welcome and appreciated.

-92 and the results of the Audit...

2007-11-13T11:57:00.000-07:00

So I audited the class on Saturday. I was definitely impressed with the instructor and the feedback he gave to all the students. I feel that I will learn a lot in the class. He was able to provide practical examples of the emotion or reaction he wanted to see. I learned something in the class on Saturday and I was just observing, not even participating! I decided not to do the full day (2 classes) though, I think I will just enroll in the 1 class because just being there the 4 hours as an observer was exhausting. I can't imagine participating and putting in the full 7 hours every Saturday.

Another update.. I weighed myself this morning and I came in at 374 which means I have lost 92lbs! Thats only 8 more to my goal of -100 by December 1.

My massage therapist was over yesterday. As she was massaging my back, she commented on how much fat is gone! I may not always see or feel it but I am thrilled to get the reinforcement from the people around me! Especially the people that don't see me all the time!

The Audit...

2007-11-06T22:25:00.000-07:00

So... to jump start the acting class idea I have been granted a free class audit this weekend. I will be auditing an essentials of acting class. If I like the class and if it seems to fit, I will register in 2 Saturday classes starting in January.

I am so excited about getting back into acting and drama. Its amazing how much confidence you gain when you lose 88lbs!

I discovered that I have had a creative thirst that I have been unable to quench. I have tried writing, art, making jewelry, sewing, crocheting, painting, mosaics, interior decorating and crafting. So far, nothing has quenched my thirst. I joined the choir beginning in January as an attempt to quench the thirst but the small piece of the industry I had a taste of last weekend has made me realize that I also need to explore acting again. So in January, I will do both at the same time.

On a side note, one of the things that is most exciting about this journey is that I have a billion times more energy than I had 3 months ago and I am only 1/4 of the way into the weight loss. I can't even imagine things when I am at goal.. watch out world! Muahahahaha!

At 103 days... 378 and I am feeling great!

2007-11-04T22:17:00.001-07:00

Well I have officially lost 88 lbs now and I am feeling really good. Aside from bad judgement eating some halloween candy that is...
I have had a lot of ups and downs this past few weeks. I have been moody and at times I don't know what truck driver posessed my mouth. I am also often tired but relative to the sleep I get, I would say that isn't a big issue.
I am excited about my life though. I dressed up in several different costumes for the various halloween events and I have to admit that I make a fairly hot pirate! ;)

I am also excited that yesterday, along with some friends and my sisters, I was on set as a background performer(extra) for the Mini-series Political Thriller "Burn Up".

The day was long and in my opinion more physically demanding than I anticipated but I LOVED it! I loved it so much that is has reignited a love for performing that I had as a child and teen. I never thought I would have the spark back but it has definitely come back! When I was about 8, I used to watch soap operas with my mom and we used to make up our own scripts and she would go through them with me. She wanted to teach me to cry on cue but I could never get that one! When I was a teen I was in a lip sync contest which taught me how much I loved performing. My mom and I wanted to write a song together and become the new "Judds" but that never came to be. Then when I moved to Calgary in Jr. High School, I joined a drama class and my love for the theatre began! I had to do an in character monologue where I had to have an accent. I did a flawless southern accent and it made such an impact that even though it was early on in the year, someone loved it enough to comment on it in my yearbook at the end of the year.

In high school, I continued the drama route and loved learning how to do theatre makeup. I loved the whole atmosphere of the theatre but when things went wonky with my academics and I left that school, I never went back to it. The years following leading up to now have been just getting my life back on track and getting stronger as a person.

Now that my life is changing after the surgery, I have discovered that I really do have the confidence and drive that it takes to be successful in a creative career like I have always wanted.

Being on the set of "Burn Up" was exhillarating. We arrived around 6:30 which was about 15 mins before our "call time". We got the forms we had to fill out for our registration and then we were able to get some hot breakfast and settle in. We found an empty table which was conveniently located near the ladies room! The breakfast made me happy because there was lots of protein rich items and even though there were bread items and some stuff I can't eat, I was able to fill up on bacon, eggs and fruit.

We hung out for a while, chatting and I did some Sudoku puzzles. Wardrobe came around and inspected the outfits we picked for shooting. For my first outfit I chose my black and grey peacoat with a green and grey striped scarf and grey gloves. I chose not to wear my hat because the weather was improving and for continuity, what you were wearing had to stay on until they said you could change. We were protesters in this shoot so we were supposed to look the part. There were some that looked like they had been protesting all their lives with the dreadlocks, bandanas and clothing to match, but I think we did pretty good. Afterall, people come in all shapes and sizes and protesters do too. I got complimented on the green and grey scarf too.
My second outfit was a light blue fall jacket with a blue homemade scarf. I didn't wear my hat for that one either. I changed my outfit 3 times, the 3rd time I put the black coat back on and that time, which was the evening shot, I wore my hat.

Our first call was at 8am. We were called in group B and although we were originally placed on the north side of the plaza, I was eventually moved to the west side as they needed to spread us out. As a matter of fact, Lauren was the only one who was kept in the original position at that point.

The day of shooting started with a variety of shots with us entering as if we were just arriving to the protest and then with us shouting and doing chants. We pretended to know the people next to us and then pretended to get excited with them and angry with them when we were instructed to do so. We ran after an imaginary limousine and raised our fists in protest. It was very different than my expectations in that I wasn't anticipating the number of times we had to repeat the same scene from different areas to give the illusion of thousands of people when in fact we were just 350.

It was chilly on the feet and we did a lot of standing. When we ran, we ran across the plaza, up the stairs on the other side and almost out to macleod trail. I took the foot high steps like they were nothing and I ran with the crowd as well as they did. I kept up!

The whole day was interesting and exciting and repetitive but fun. I was able to see a side of the movie industry I had only seen from afar before and even though some of it was similar to the shooting of the commercial for Ercole's restaurant I was in, it was a much larger scale.

The day went pretty much the same way as above until lunch. We had a break mid morning where they gave us sandwiches. I ate the turkey, bacon and cheese out of mine and tossed the roll. I grabbed a whole apple that was sitting in a basket. I don't know if they were for display or for consuming but I knew a piece of turkey, cheese and 2 slices of bacon wouldn't keep me going until the hot lunch was served. We went out for another "wedge" where we did the same thing over and over again, and then were brought in for a much desired hot lunch.

They served a variety of green, greek and coleslaw salads with rolls, rice, bean/pea medley and then our choice of ham or chicken. I chose ham. A great choice. I skipped the rice and roll.

I ate most of what I took. I gave Lauren some of my leftover ham and drank whatever juice they had. We didn't get a lot of time to relax and were asked to change before the next shot. This time, we were heading over to city hall to shoot in front of the municipal building. The shot involved running towards a police barricade fence and then shaking the fence as the "american" limousines drove by.

After doing that scene about 10 times in different ways (with a really short hot chocolate break in between), we went back to holding for another break which unfortunately only provided some chips and veggies for snack but I was fortunate enough to grab a banana! We hung out for like 20 mins and then were called back out for the last 2 "evening" shots. We heard them say they were ready for us to begin heading out so we decided to jump on it and head out right away. We were literally in the first 10 out the door so the second AD Brian counted us off in the first 15 and told us to see Patrice and tell her we were her 15. We didn't realize this immediately but much to our delight, we were going to be in the shot that included Neve Campbell and not in the distant background. I was placed in the shot and just a couple feet in front of me was Neve Campbell's marker. Debbie, Lauren and Alice were also placed in their seats and we waited for the shot. The two ladies I was seated with were terribly annoying as background performers. They kept watching Neve walk through the scene rather than pretending to be chatting. Ahh well, it all worked out and they got the shot in 1 take.

Neve didn't stick around long. She was flying out right away but she was nice enough to meet some people, sign an autograph and get her pic taken with one person. She smiled at me while we were waiting for the shot. That was nice. I didn't feel it was necessary to shake her hand or get an autograph.

After that shot, we were moved to the last evening shot which included a breakdancing polar bear. It was pretty hillarious! We laughed and cheered and clapped as random people joined in to dance with the polar bear. It was pretty cool!

As soon as that was done, they wrapped us and we went back to holding to pack up. I went to talk to the person that arranged for us being cast as background performers to thank her. I wanted to make sure she knew how much I enjoyed myself and how I would do it again! She was great and made sure to point out to us that there were hot spring rolls waiting for us outside that were supposed to be ready as soon as we wrapped. I got 2 and in my state of hunger, scarfed them down with a pack of plum sauce to dip in. I didn't care about the consequences at that point, knowing I would be heading straight home.

We got home after grabbing hot chocolate at Timmies and dropping Debbie and Alice at Deb's place. We arrived at about 9 but it felt like 3am. I was beat! I tried to sleep on the couch for a cat nap but ended up dragging my ass to bed at 11. I was in zombie mode!

After all that happened on Saturday my final evaulation of the whole day was that I loved it. I loved it. I loved it. Even if just a part time hobby, I want to get back into performing. I start in January with the choir but I have already begun looking for info about acting schools to see what I can start taking!

I woke up this morning a little sore but not as sore as I have been in the past and once I got out of bed I felt fine! Not a single ache which surprised me. I did a lot of running yesterday. More than I have done in a long time. I also did a lot of standing and stairs.

A few things I am pleased to share with you:

1) After yesterday and all I ate, I had no issues with how my body reacted to the food. I made healthy choices and was able to eat as everyone else did and had no issues.
2) I sat in a folding chair all the time I was in holding yesterday and didn't break it! I was sure it would collapse under me.
3) I sat in a foldup canvas chair (without arms) for one of the scenes and didn't have any issues. I didn't break it and it wasn't terrible!!!
4) I met a lot of wonderful people! I had fun chatting with the other background performers, getting tips/advice and just seeing what they had done in the past! I had fun flirting with the fake cop that had a nice "time piece" too! (Long story)
5) I enjoyed spending the day with Lauren, Debbie, Alice and Jennie.

I think thats all I can rattle on about tonight. I am beat and need to rest up for another busy week!

-81 at 94 days out...

2007-10-26T07:56:00.000-06:00

I couldn't believe my eyes this morning. I have been annoyed with my 2 week plateau at 490 but this morning I weighed in at 485! I am now officially down 81lbs in just over 3 months (94 days).

Today is starting off really good and should get even better. I am going on a cemetery tour tonight and then karaoke after that. I can't wait! Plus, this weekend is our Spooktacular Spooktacular costume mandatory halloween party. Great way to finish off a stressful week!

On a side note, I have an unwritten goal of -100 (366lbs) by December 1st. Not sure if I will be able to keep up the 5lb/week pace because my body is fairly unpredictable but with only 19lbs to go to my goal of -100, I will have to lose almost 4 lbs/week for the next 5 weeks.

Anyway, time to work!

3 Month Surgiversary

2007-10-24T12:55:00.000-06:00

Today, is my 3 month Surgiversary. It is also my second day going completely binder less.

As much as I like the freedom of not having to pull the binder up and the pinching under my arms, I definitely appreciate the support it gave and I am glad I used it for the full 3 months (less a day).

I am having some "issues" which I hate to admit are causing me some grief. I am getting tired faster now. I don't know if it is sleep related or weight loss related but no matter the cause, I need it to get better soon!

The tiredness issues are also causing issues with my energy at work and home. I have a ton of stuff to do but can't seem to get anything done. I am glad Lauren and I finished tidying up the backyard in preparation for winter though. That was a relief.

I am excited that in just over a week, I will get to be an extra in a TV mini series being filmed in Calgary. I am not sure of the details or what I will get to do but I think the experience will be fantastic. If I enjoy it, I might consider registering with an agency that handles extras. You never know.

I made the most delicious dish last night. I named it my Crustless deep dish pizza because I wanted to get the flavors in pizza without the bread. So I made it last night and I have to say that I think it was a complete success. It would also make an amazing pasta dish for carb lovers!

I have decided to let myself off the hook today for studying. I am so tired and having trouble staying focused. I have decided to let myself work on making some jewelry so that I can get rid of those crafty urges for a while and focus better on everything else that needs to be done. Sometimes I just have to say "screw the responsibility" and do something fun. I think it will allow my creativity to hit the reset button in my mind. I can spend my crafting time thinking about life and hopefully I will come up with some fantastic designs for both the jewelry and my future.

I had my blood work done last weekend and should get the results next Monday. I am interested in seeing what the totals come back as. Getting the blood work was a bit of a pain. The first time went almost perfectly except that the technician used the wrong tube for one of my tests and so I had to go back the next day to get another vial of blood drawn. Good Times.

Lauren and I are having a bit of a social weekend. We're going on a Cemetery Tour on Friday and Karaoke afterwards. On Saturday we are having a Halloween party (costume mandatory). We've got an extensive collection of costume stuff so it should be entertaining. We'll also watch a movie.

Speaking of movies, I received my Amazon.com order yesterday. I bought the Fantasy Island First season and the movie "Like Water for Chocolate". I loved the movie and figured my DVD collection of like 7 could use an 8th ;P

I think thats enough blah-gging for today.

Turtle girl...

2007-10-18T23:31:00.000-06:00

I joined a choir the other day - She's Up2Something. It's an all girls choir Alice has been singing in.

I have been to some of their performances and deep down have always been a little envious since I love to sing. But this week, Alice opened the door and asked if any of us wanted to join. I was hessitant at first. It is her thing. But after an exuberant approval from Alice, I paid my membership fee and joined.

I also received my contact info for the casting person who is handling the "extras"role I won in the auction at work. I emailed her yesterday and hope she emails me soon. I know one of the projects begins filming this month.

I feel like I am coming out of my shell a little more each day. For any of you who really knows me, you know I am generally outgoing but deep down I have always had a limit on my willingness to put myself out there. In any way. I have always loved the spotlight but would never commit to it. I used to prefer standing just on the perimeter of the spotlight glow.
Not anymore! I am excited about my progress and it is making me excited about my life so much more than I was before.

I do hope I can have a really good experience as an extra either for a tv series or movie depending on what they need me for.

I know I will love the choir but really hope my voice holds up. I can carry a tune but only for so long...

I went grocery shopping a couple nights ago and am so happy with what I ended up buying. Lots of healthy fruits/vegetables and cheeses. I skipped all the junk that used to lure me and having no interest in breads or pasta really makes a difference in my food choices. It really helps me rule certain things out quickly. I know through experimentation that any of the prepackaged microwave foods are terrible tasting and my body rejects them. Even the precooked sausages I bought for breakfasts tasted terrible yesterday morning. I ended up hucking them out the car window on the way to work(sorry!). I am sure the magpies will finish them off for me. ;)

I am going to try and beat the bank again on Energy 101.5. I tried yesterday and the day before ... I was caller #8, #4, #2. On Monday, I got through but lost my chance at $650 when the bank busted! :(

Just proof that I will always have to earn the money I have. I just don't think I am destined to win money or have it given to me. I know deep down I need to earn what I have and in all honesty, that doesn't bother me one bit. I am proud to know I have earned what I have!

I wrote this and forgot to post it so its a few days out of date but here it is...

1 size down, 18 more to go...

2007-10-18T21:50:00.000-06:00

Ok so I don't have a set size I want to be when I am done losing weight. I am not hung up on numbers or labels. I just want to be healthy, sexy and confident. Not much to ask for...

I went to Penningtons today. I tried on some clothes in different sizes to see where I am at. I have dropped 1 size. I have to admit that I am not so perfectly fitting into the new size that I could wear it today exclusively, but I can button up the tops and I can see the beginnings of my inner goddess!

I am discovering new and wonderful things about my body since losing 75 lbs. I won't get into the dirty details but I have to admit that I am happier every day with the changes I am experiencing.

I am getting my labs done tomorrow so I can see if these liquid vitamins are doing me any good.

I have started to think about my clothes that are too big now as well. If anyone has any ideas on how best to part with them, I am open to suggestions.

I have considered consignment, donation to the Mustard Seed, donations to other patients awaiting their weight loss surgery... the list goes on.. I just want to make the biggest impact and do the best with what I have. Even if it means padding my wallet for the clothes I will eventually need to buy...

I am going through this wave or phase thinking about getting back into dating, relationships and checking out the single guys I know. It's so frustrating because I know myself well enough to realize that I won't be putting myself out there anytime soon. I need more time to adjust to my new life. I am learning new things about myself every day.. hardly the best time to let someone in to get to know me. I am changing so much on the outside but I am also rewriting my lifestyle.. Lauren and I are planning a hiking trip next summer. Hiking. Not something I would have considered a year ago but something I am so looking forward to now.

Its amazing. I loved my life before surgery.. but I had no idea things could get even better...

Without tastebuds...

2007-10-11T12:15:00.000-06:00

I'm sick... Just a cold but sick enough to be whiny and needy. Sick enough for my tastebuds to be off duty and definitely sick enough to keep Kleenex in business.

Since surgery, my tastebuds have been very hard working. Telling my brain to reject foods I used to like, telling my brain that foods I used to hate (i.e. chammomile tea) are good and of course giving me only one days notice between deciding whether or not to like something. What was ok yesterday may not be today...

So right now I can't taste much. If I am lucky (or unlucky) I can get the slightest hint of taste if I breathe in a certain way when I eat.. Today, I am lucky because since I am sick, I didn't feel up to the 30 min trip to the GOOD lunch place.. so I went to the place that is in business soley because they cater to those without taste buds. Yes, for those of you that know, I am talking about Marcellos.

If I am lazy, I will eat at Marcellos for lunch and I tell ya, I am disappointed every time. Their early morning fresh fruit salad is incredible and I highly recommend the fresh stuff, but their hot food is either prepared by a robot which was designed to bend metal, or they continually get customers without the ability to taste.

I went for a soup.. seafood chowder... they used to let me taste the soup before I ordered but lately they haven't and I can't taste right now anyway.. but I can definitely catch a huge whiff of fishy smell from the chowder that wouldn't even be appropriate from wet catfood.

I also got a salad luckily because even with limited smell, I can't bring myself to eat one more bite of soup.

Now that I am post-op my eyes are opened to the concept of eating only the BEST. Seriously, why subject yourself to eating something that isn't satisfying?

Why eat simply to eat?

Ok so there is something to the idea of eating for nourishment before eating for pleasure.

-After reading this back I realized that even now I still eat random things I can't stand because I have to eat, or because I have to get in the protein.. and with that in mind, I am realizing that I need to focus more on having the foods I love, not just those that I tolerate...

With the expanding rate of obesity in the world, people shouldn't be eating purely for pleasure.. but why can't we do both? Eat only the very best tasting and freshest food while still eating well? Ok ok so this isn't a new revelation but now that I eat so little, it is a concept I am much more comfortable embracing... I struggle with the amount of food my picky tastebuds are willing to waste though.

Here are my top foods I realized that I love but have taken for granted...

Tomatoes.. fresh, canned, stewed, sauced, grilled, roasted, sun dried, juiced...
Beef.. fresh, canned, stewed, sauced, grilled, roasted, sun dried, juiced... (:P)
Avocados
Raw salmon & other sushi
Fruit & Fruit Juice (specifically strawberries, cranberries, pineapple, grapefruit and apple)
Ham
Turkey
Good quality chocolate (sorry snickers, you're out! High quality dark and milk, you're in!)

I really don't much care for bread anymore and only eat it when it needs to be a vessel to carry something else into my mouth. If I had alternates to bread in a sandwich or for pizza crust I would be so thrilled. I can do without bread as a vessel for balsamic and olive oil.. I will save that for a salad.

I am still on the fence with chicken, pork, eggs, seafood, dairy, soup and spicy stuff. I like them one day and not the next.. I am not too worried about them though because I can keep trying. I definitely don't miss pasta though!

The reality of all of this is that Marcellos has reaquainted me with my taste buddies! No longer do I have to worry about ordering something I think my tastebuds will like and suffer the awkwardness after realizing I didn't know them that well afterall.. at least now we have an understanding that some things are a-ok and others are on probation. My tastebuds and I have an understanding! We're cool!

Now as soon as I am able to, I will reunite my tastebuds with my digestive system and all will be good! :P

393 - another 5 lbs gone forever!

2007-10-06T09:30:00.000-06:00

I weighed myself last night and the scale still said 398. Ok so it was the end of the day but I didn't think I would lose 5 lbs overnight!

This morning I was pleasantly surprised by the scale twitching between 392 and 393.

As excited as I am about the weight loss, the reality of the necessity of the vitamins and protein really hits me hard. I am struggling remembering my calcium and I won't know if these supplements are even effective until I get my labs done. It hasn't quite been 3 months but I want to get them done just to be sure.

I am starving and haven't had breakfast or my vitamins yet so I am going to go do that!

Just wanted to share! 393! Whoa! Yes!

Good Things...

2007-09-30T01:50:00.000-06:00

I sit here at almost 2am exhausted and groggy after falling asleep on the couch for a few hours. I managed to wake up, eat, take my vitamins and as soon as I post this blog, I will head to bed.

Today was amazing. Lauren and I went to Pearce Estate Park and spent 2 hours walking around, taking some incredible photos and just soaking up the beauty of autumn.

The most incredible part was that I didn't get winded through the whole walk, and I was climbing into the dried creeks over large rocks and up/down hills and I was fine! I was able to do it all. No hesitation!

I have to admit, things have improved a lot in the last 68lbs!

Of course the excitement doesn't end there...

We went to Walmart today and I needed a shirt to supplement my halloween costume. I don't know what motivated me to look, because I have never fit into Walmart clothes.. but today I picked up a couple of shirts that looked like they might fit (i figured if they didn't fit now, they would one day anyway) and tonight I slipped both over my head without undoing the button and they fit! Ok so a little snug but they fit!!!

I am loving life!

398!

2007-09-28T07:29:00.000-06:00

Well, I am not sure if making this as a goal had anything to do with it but today is 66 days since surgery and I had a goal to be down 66 lbs+ by today. That 66 lb loss would put me at 400 lbs.

Well I am thrilled.. no, ecstatic to report that as of this morning I am 398lbs. 68 lbs down in the last 66 days!

I had a feeling today would be the day.

This weight loss thing, even after having surgery is very emotionally and psychologically challenging. I am going to need to get used to changes happening but as far as I am concerned, I am thrilled that the changes are all happening to improve my health.

I was watching the news last night and there was a report about a woman named Cheryl Harvey. She was 400lbs in May and had the gastric bypass (RNY). And the day before yesterday, she died. The news was vague about how and why she died. They said it was due to complications but it is scary that they didn't elaborate. Even though I had a different procedure, am 20 years younger than her and haven't had the same complications, it would still be nice to know what happened. She died 5 months after her surgery. That is terrifying that people can still die from complications that long after surgery. It was spooky too. She was on the news like me.. her story aimed to inspire and inform. She too said that she felt the benefits far out weighed the risks. And she died. I have said those things and done those things and while I have absolutely no intention of dying before I am 98, it just proves that we are not able to control our final outcome.

And I have to say that no matter what does happen to me between now and my 98th birthday, I have no regrets. We can't live our lives afraid to take risks for fear of the consequence. Those risks are what grow us, evolve us, teach us. Those risks keep us moving forward.

Anyway, that was a really long winded way of saying... I AM 398 BAYBEEE!!!! 68lbs GONE FOREVER!

Pia

2 Months...

2007-09-24T19:32:00.000-06:00

Today is exactly my 2 month surgiversary.

I sit here tired and a little run down, but so amazingly far more energetic than I was this time 2 months ago and even moreso than 3, 4, 5 or 6 months ago.

The fact is, I have lost an astounding 39 inches combined from my: neck, arms, chest, waist, hips, thighs and calves. My chest and hips are down 9 inches each!

I know the weight is coming off, even though my scale is still teetering over 400. I got on the scale this morning and for 1 second, the scale read 400 before displaying ERR which means that I am close to the 400lb mark! It is ridiculous how impatient I am! I had surgery 2 months ago. 60 days! And I am getting frustrated that my scale hasn't gone below 400. A number I haven't been under in this decade! I never thought I would lose 40 or 50 lbs in a year much less in 2 months, and yet I am waiting anxiously for the scale to finally concede to a loss of 67 lbs to get me to 399.

I went through my "before" pics and I know now for sure that my 466 top weight at surgery wasn't actually my highest weight. I have older pics that clearly show that I was much heavier before!

I will be taking some progress pics this week and hopefully there will be a noticable difference. I am still debating whether or not to do the progress pics in the same bathing suit I had my initial pics taken in! I am thinking.. no.

And so, as I wait for the magic number 399, I continue to learn how different foods affect me, what foods I love and hate, and of course the always exciting new discoveries of things I can do now that I couldn't do before.

For example, at work we have office chairs that have arms on them. Before surgery, I was only able to balance my butt on the edge because I couldn't get my hips and thighs between the arms. Last week I sat in the chair and took a deep breath and slid my butt to the back of the chair and I fit! Ok so it wasn't roomy, but I was actually able to sit at the back of the chair!!!

Aside from the weight loss itself, I am noticing another change. I am beginning to notice that more and more people are coming to me to discuss weight issues, vent about weight loss attempts and overall just looking for support.

Of course I don't mind this at all, but then I wonder if I am ready or prepared to be that person for those people. I mean, I know I am losing weight but I am not an expert on weight loss.

Then again, I wonder if that is even what those people are looking for. Perhaps they are only looking for an ear. Perhaps they are looking for someone with similar experiences to vent to, or perhaps they are actually looking for inspiration. Don't get me wrong, 24 years of yo-yo dieting and working through the various medical health programs makes a person a certain kind of expert. I just refuse to make claim that I am something I'm really not.

I don't claim to be anything other than me. I am just Pia. If I can help someone else by being blatantly honest and open about my experiences, I am all for it. I think knowledge is power and I hope that others can learn from my experiences. I love to share my story of my struggles and accomplishments and I really do hope that others can take something... anything from my story and apply it to their own situations, even if is the most insignificant detail.

But in the end, the only reality is that I am here on this planet in power of only one person.. myself. I can only control what I experience and as much as I open myself up, exposing my raw material, those who seek out my knowledge have to take it and run with it, learn from it..

I have done the things I needed to do to get on the road to a healthy place. I researched, I investigated, I asked questions, I took action and it all comes down to survival. I really like being here. I love living and want to experience everything. I am selfish really, thats why I went for surgery. I was tired of the limitations my body had on me and I wanted to take control of my life. Be able to live to the fullest, because you never know how long you have.

Balance...

2007-09-15T22:49:00.000-06:00

I went out for sushi last night. My first post-surgery sushi experience. I was nervous about how my tastebuds would react but I am thrilled to say that sushi was not only a complete success, but I was able to eat a lot more than I expected and it all tasted AMAZING!

Ok so granted we went to Kinjo and they just have amazing sushi, but I was amazed at how sensitive my tastebuds are and how delicious everything was! The raw salmon sashimi was cut so thick and it was so buttery I crave it still!

On the flip side I went out today and I had sushi again at lunch. We went to Sumo. It was ok but by far not as impressive as Kinjo. The salmon was so thinly sliced you had to fold it in half to get a good texture. It did taste good and fresh though so thats ok. I overdid it a bit today with soy nuts, I had a dumpling at lunch which didn't sit well and then at dinner, I had a glass of raspberry slushy and it was so sweet that it made my body revolt and I wasn't able to eat my dinner. I was so disappointed but moreso, it made me feel so horrible that I passed out when I got home and was just feeling ill.

I switched my vitamins this weekend as well. I was taking liquid vitamins but the liquid tasted horrible, I dreaded my 2 daily doses and for the past 2 days I just skipped taking them altogether. I think they were upsetting my stomach. Sooo today I bought liquid gel caps which are HUGE but were a lot better than the liquid shooters I was taking every morning. Plus I can save time and money from washing all those shot glasses I was using to dose out my vitamins ;)

On another positive note, since I started taking all these vitamins, my fingernails have been growing like weeds!!! They are also really strong!

So this weekend also included another amazing thing.. I got a new SUV! I bought a 2007 Mitsubishi Outlander. I am so surprised at how perfectly everything came together. I knew it was meant to be when I got into the drivers seat and buckled the seatbelt without an extender. My sentra required an extender and I can't tell you how much more room I have in the SUV and I know that I will be shrinking and it will be getting better and better. I got an SUV because I am thinking practically 5+years out. I want to go hiking and camping and fishing and trips to Home Depot and Ikea knowing I can fit what I buy in my vehicle.

So this weekend has so far been pretty good. Both ups and downs but overall pretty darn good!

Misunderstandings..

2007-09-12T16:58:00.000-06:00

I was asked my opinion the other day about whether or not I felt obesity was a mental disorder.

Thinking back to that day, the article in the Herald and that question, I am still baffled that the medical community can even repeat the phrase "Obesity is a Mental Disorder". It irritates me knowing that there are people in this world that see obesity as an individual condition that should be as simple to manage as brushing your teeth.

I can't imagine anyone would argue with me if I said that Obesity is a side effect of one or more conditions (i.e. genetics, habit, disease, immobility, obsession, depression... etc..). This isn't a new concept. Obesity is just a fancy word used to say "really really fat". In reality though, this is exactly what is wrong with the perception of our health and bodies in society now.

I remember, from one of my numerous diet/exercise regimens I tried over the years, that I was told "Don't set your goals to 'lose weight', you will fail every time. Set your goal to be healthy, eat well, live a healthy lifestyle. You will still lose weight, but it will be a side effect of your new healthy attitude."

At the time, I thought 'yeah whatever'. Probably because I was jaded for having to go through it at all, or maybe it was at the tail end of one of my weight loss attempts and I had already given up.. but it still sat there in the back of my brain all these years just waiting to resurface.. and so it has.

Obesity is a result of something. It is caused by something and it is that "something" that needs to be identified and treated.

Unfortunately, during the process of becoming and staying obese, a lot of other "somethings" come up and become priority.

You may not realize it but Diabetes is one of the hardest things to manage while you are trying to lose weight. It is hard enough to lose weight right? But now add on medications that cause weight gain, low blood sugar attacks forcing you to the refrigerator to grab any sweet item in sight and wolf it down without taking the time to chew. During one of my 'low' points, I prayed to God that I would get Diabetes so that I would be "forced" to do something about my weight. I was in a bizarre depression with guilt and regret and I was willing to sell my pancreas to the devil to lose the weight. And so it was. Only a year later I was Diabetic.

Those other issues associated with Obesity commonly referred to as co-morbidities can get really serious. Aside from the obvious possible heart problems, liver problems can creep up, joint problems, skin problems and even memory loss. So we go to a liver specialist and take pills, go to physiotherapy and aquasize to manage the joint pain, buy expensive medicated lotions and scan infomercials for that one guy with the amazing ability to remember every name of every person he meets. I am sure his book and dvd were in the range of 99.99 in 3 equal installments. That should fix the memory issues....

That is treating Obesity. It is treating all the effects of "somethings" that creep up as a result of the excessive weight gain. Yet the root cause never gets discovered.

We float in our little inflated dingy, with a treasure chest of root causes at the bottom of our ocean, riding the waves hoping our problems wash up on shore.. but they never do.

People who aren't obese also have these hidden problems waiting to be uncovered but for whatever reason don't end up gaining weight. As a result they don't end up obese. Lucky for them I guess, unless they have other side effects - which they probably do.

All of this really just makes me realize more and more how critical it was that I have surgery. I have spent years looking for my root causes. Sure I had to work on treating the "somethings" along the way but I also tried to dig deep to find my cause. It wasn't until my "somethings" became their own threat with Diabetes and Hypothyroidism that I realized it was time to do something else.

With surgery I have taken an approach which directly impacts my root causes. Basic anatomy. Food goes in, pounds go on. So now, little food goes in, even less food absorbed and weight pours off. I may have some treasure chests at the bottom of my ocean still waiting to be discovered but rather than wait for that day, I have circumvented their impact on my health.

I hope that society stops treating Obese people like criminals and starts treating us/them like humans. We don't need labels or excuses, we don't need to be called failures and we certainly don't need to be called mentally ill. We just need someone who actually knows a damn thing or two about obesity that can help!

Maybe thats why surgery was so appealing. So far, the BPD-DS is the only tool that has proven effective for the long term in more than 99.9% of patients I have talked to.

Seriously, if I see "results not typical" on one more weight loss program, diet supplement or home gym infomercial, I may just go postal!

We're long past the day of "I'll believe whatever you tell me if you put a pretty shiny bow on it" we've moved into the "if you're going to talk the talk, you better walk the walk - Prove it!" era. And with that, I wish the medical community lots of luck!

In the mean time, I will remain open but cautious minded and I will continue to shed the pounds. For the first time I don't have anxiety that I will fail. Well, I do have anxiety that the surgery will fail, but almost every patient wonders if they will be the one that fails. That is what a lifetime of yo-yo diets and revolving door medically supported weight loss plans will do to a person.

When I am eventually at my normal weight, I will look back on these moments and wonder how I was able to be obese so long. I know I will be overwhelmed not knowing how I could possibly have endured 14 years of adult life in a body over 350lbs. And when that moment does arrive, I will hold compassion in my heart for those that will be buying my plus sized consignment clothes and offer my experience and wisdom to any who are thinking of surgery as an option... a tool, not a cure.

Little things..

2007-09-07T23:27:00.000-06:00

I was grocery shopping in Safeway today.

I was recently asked about what it feels like to live life obese and in my answer, recalled some encounters with adults and being teased about my weight. But at that moment I forgot about the numerous encounters I have had with children.

I've been asked before if I was pregnant, I have been asked blatantly why I was so fat and today, a little girl commented to her mother that I have a really big tummy.

I shouldn't get upset with children when they make comments like these. In reality, they are being observant and just saying what is on their minds.

I smiled at her with honest sincere friendliness and as she passed, all I heard were those words.. "Mommy, she has a really big tummy".

Anyway.. back to real life stuff.

I am still not enjoying eating at all and I am still not under 400lbs. It is frustrating to have an expectation set that I could lose 30 lbs in 16 days and then wait another month and not lose 36 more. But then I sit back and think about it.. 30 lbs in 16 days is ridiculously fast! I am expecting to lose up to 200lbs in the next year. If I lose 30 lbs every 16 days I won't exist in a year.

So I am trying to see it all in a realistic light and realize that if I plan to lose 200lbs in a year, minus 30 which I lost in the first 16 days, I should average 4 lbs a week which is really only double the medically recommended amount. Not as drastic as it seems when you say 200lbs in a year. Seems impossible.

Thats another thing I am trying to get over. The impossible becoming possible. I still haven't seen enough change to really believe the weight is coming off as it should. Even though I am eating a fraction of the food I ate pre-op, I eat so often that I feel like I am eating a lot. Purely psychological.

I see pictures of other patients at a year post-op and see a night and day image. A new person barely recognizable as the "before" pic. And still, until it happens to me it will remain a dream.

I know I am starting to feel much much more normal now because I have started piling on the home improvement projects. I have the energy and motivation to tackle the house again which went away the last few months before surgery. I think I was feeling much more stress than I would allow myself to admit.

I was asked if I was nervous before surgery and in all honesty, I wasn't. I was ready, at peace with it all and the only stress I was feeling was related to the actual plane ride there and back.

Looking back though, I see that my stress was there. Maybe not concern about the procedure but about the gravity of the change I was about to undertake. I see it in the weight I gained pre-op, I see it in my dropped motivation and energy, I see it in my schooling being put aside, and I see it in the number of distractions I forced upon myself. Shopping was a bad one :P

I carry my tension in my shoulders and now that the adrenaline has settled, my life has begun to pulse at a normal rate and things are feeling more comfortable, all that tension has surfaced.. I can't wait till I can lay on my stomach and get a massage!

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before but I also have to wear a binder. Every minute of every day for 3 months after surgery. A velcro fastened, white elastic girdle - sort of. It feels comforting for all of 30 seconds after putting on a freshly washed one.. until it slides down and settles into the cozy areas not currently occupied by love handles.

I have so many things to be excited about though. I am so looking forward to trying Tai Chi or Pilates. I don't want to get into running and in all honesty with the weight loss, I don't know how badly I will be wanting to get into a bathing suit and going swimming but I could see myself in a cute workout outfit getting my chi centered!

Oh and for the record, I am loving my new hair! It is so much easier to manage than my old straight hair!

Anyway, as usual I appreciate your interest in my story. Thanks for stopping by!

Food... a necessary evil.

2007-08-29T21:25:00.001-06:00

I used to love food. Not for the act of eating or the way it made me feel, but for the social aspects it tends to pair well with.

Now, only a month and a bit out from surgery, I am beginning to think of food in a much different way. Not a good way. Not that old "Food as Fuel, Eat to Live" way but more like a "Get this crap outta my mouth!" way.

I swear a hundred dieticians just got goosebumps on their arms. Probably sensing that a fat girl out there somewhere just converted. Sorry folks, I never worshipped food like the stereotypes suggest I should have.

OK that was a bit harsh. A bit. But when you are limited to eating certain foods because everything else tastes off or the texture isn't appetizing or it hits my stomach like a rock, you start to become far more critical than you previously allowed yourself to be.

I love the idea of food now. I love the idea of cooking, but dread the point where I need to taste the dish to test seasoning. I love the idea of Barbeque (not just BBQ, BARBEQUE!). But even the old BBQ sauces I used to love taste terrible now.

Hunger pangs are frequent now. Painfully frequent. I used to get low blood sugar to signal hunger but now I just feel the grumbles of an empty stomach. Every hour and a half.

So with all that aside, I am pleased to have some progress to report. Although I can't determine an exact weight at the moment, I have lost a total of 28" cumulatively off my: Neck, upper arms, chest, waist, hips, thighs and calves. 8 inches from my hips alone.

So my plan of action is to focus on my vitamins, my protein, finding foods I am able to eat and watching the inches melt off!

Full steam ahead..

2007-08-21T23:15:00.001-06:00

Today was a wonderful day. I was given a rare opportunity to spend some quality time with my sister Debbie, just the two of us.

We started the day at the salon. We both got a new hairdo and I think we both really needed that little reward.

Debbie and I also went to the office I was working at before surgery. I have made some fantastic relationships with people there and couldn't wait to see them again. I was also interested in knowing what was happening with my job and whether or not I would be brought back to work there.

Debbie was so sweet and patient while I was catching up with everyone. I appreciated that she just let me do my thing. We also had lunch together which was nice.

After picking Michael up at his grandparents place, I dropped them off at home and went shopping. I bought a juicer! I am SO excited about this!

Ok so it doesn't take much to get me excited but I am really excited about this!! I juiced apples and pears today. Amazing how yummy they were and this juicer is POW-ER-FUL! lol.

I think the most bizarre part of the day was being stalked and stared at by my cat Faith. She couldn't keep her eyes off my new hair and her nose was sniffing me like crazy.

Normal...

2007-08-19T00:18:00.000-06:00

Each day I am back in the world of normal with my family, friends and kitties, I appreciate more and more what I have around me. Tonight I enjoyed a bit of time out in the back yard having a fire and enjoying the night air.

I went to the health food store today and bought all my vitamins and supplements. It's a little intimidating. I want to make sure I get the right dosages without breaking the bank and I want to make sure that I can actually stomach them. I guess I will see in the morning.

The one thing I still can't get to sink in is that I am losing the weight and aside from not taking my supplements, I can't screw this one up. People who think of other weight loss surgeries don't realize it, but this particular surgery is virtually fool proof as far as weight loss goes.

And now that my ultimate goal has been accomplished, I need to start making new goals and challenging myself in other ways. The weight loss will be happening still, as I go about my life and I will find new and interesting things to do along the way.

I have a bit of anxiety about a few things though..

Depression is common as the weight comes off... the rapid weight loss can do that..

Hair loss is also common.. although temporary, it happens..

and of course the clothes.. as I lose weight, I will be shrinking out of the clothes I own and I will use my sewing machine as much as possible but I can't do that forever.

So these things will sit there in the back of my mind as I figure out how to deal with them if and when they happen.. but all in all I think that things will be amazing and interesting and an adventure.

Time flies.. and so did I

2007-08-15T01:08:00.000-06:00

I can't believe it has been so long since my last post. I am home already and while so much has happened in the past 8 days, I feel like I posted that last entry just yesterday.

I've been recovering really well so far and my teeth are nice now which makes me extremely happy. I finally accomplished a goal that I have been working on for 6 years and within the next two years, I will reach my goal weight and then finally accomplish a goal I have had since I can remember.

One of my favourite things about Brasil was the people. Not only the Brazillians but also the North Americans I met while down there. It is incredible how the support and encouragement you recieve from complete strangers can make them feel like a family away from home.

I had a lot of anxiety about the trip back. I thought about it every day and it was one of the first things on my mind when I woke up and the last thing on my mind when I went to bed. I hate flying and I know that now better than ever!

We spent the last week in Brasil finishing up some sightseeing but mostly shopping and getting all the souvenirs to bring home. Ana was amazing and I really enjoyed spending time with her learning about the city.

We had our laundry done before we left as well and even though it wasn't as nicely done as the previous place we used, it was nice to know we could go home and have clean clothes.

I also enjoyed spending some time with Tanya before I left and meeting her sister. Such a sweetie!

So the trip home was definitely stressful. We were dropped off at the airport very early and we quickly discovered that our plane was almost an hour late. We had a bite to eat in the food court (I managed to find a neutral grilled cheese type sandwich) and went to check in for the plane. Sitting behind security was a lot nicer than being in the main airport area.

I think we ended up waiting 3 hours or so but we finally boarded and took the trip to Sao Paulo. Although I didn't want to use the wheelchair service, after seeing the lineup at the American Airlines counter at GRU, I decided that the wheelchair would be a necessary move, so we went to the AA office and they quickly had a wheelchair and attendant there for me.

By using the wheelchair we bypassed the line and were able to check in very quickly. The wheelchair attendant also got us through security faster and took me all the way to the gate.
We decided to go to duty free where I ended up using all my Brazillian money (not realizing the food places only took Reais :/) Alecia was nice enough to do the running around and got us some water and crackers for the few Reais we had left.

At duty free we bought cigarettes and alcohol which we carried on the plane with us.

The flight to New York was long. Long and exhausting and although I managed to get some sleep in, I was annoyed by the food. I had booked a diabetic meal which would have been ideal but somehow at last minute it was changed to vegetarian which would not have worked for me. The only thing they could do was switch me to Kosher which was ok but left me with a lot of wasted food I couldn't eat. I ended up snacking on crackers the rest of the way. I was lucky though, the Kosher meal gave me an omelete for breakfast which was a lot more appropriate than the regular breakfast meal.

We got to JFK on time or even a little early and I took full advantage of the wheelchair. As a result, we got through immigration, customs and everything while being at the front of the line. We checked in with Air Canada and that was by far the worst customer service ever! That lady was not nice!

When we finally went through security to head to our gate, we ended up losing our alcohol we bought at duty free in Sao Paulo not realizing that even though it was still sealed, they wouldn't allow it. Alecia tried to get it checked but again the service at Air Canada sucked. They said the luggage was already on board. Ironic since we ended up with half of our luggage delayed for 2 days.

I have to say that spending as much time at JFK airport as I have makes me extremely happy and proud to be Canadian!

We made it to the gate with only 20 mins to spare before takeoff and although the plane ended up leaving New York late, we were relieved that we made the flight.

The flight from NYC to Calgary was what solidified the fact that I HATE to fly. The trip was only supposed to be 4 hours and a bit, but it felt longer than the 9 hour flight! The turbulence got so bad at one point that the plane dropped about a foot straight down and that was terrifying. A teenager in the back started screaming and people started to get that look in their eyes.. you know when someone looks to you with this fear of death searching for reassurance that today was not the day they were going to die. I wish I could say I didn't have that look myself. That turbulence was the worst I have ever experienced!

But we made it to Calgary only a little late. Aside from the lost luggage, the trip home was far better than the trip to Brazil and a relief for sure.

As much as I was worried my Laptop was lost forever, I am just thankful I made it home safe.

So this week I am relaxing, catching up with my kitties and getting back to normal life. I am learning about my new digestive system every time I eat and I have realized that my tastes have changed. I don't really enjoy eating anymore and almost get annoyed when the hunger starts to set in. I haven't gotten my vitamins yet so that is on my list of priorities but I certainly have a lot to do. I have money to get back from American Airlines, I have damaged luggage and I have some travel insurance to claim.

And then, I get to dig into my garden and do some weeding and get back to normal. I can't wait for the normal to finally settle in.

So thats it for now. I think I am caught up!

The day off...

2007-08-04T08:05:00.000-06:00

It is Saturday and for most of us, a day of rest. Ana has the day off today as she does every week and so I will take this day as well to prepare for the Flea Market tomorrow and the Train tour on Monday.

I've been to the dentist twice now. One more appointment to go next week.. but we have been trying to take advantage of already being out and seeing the sights. We went to see the Opera House a couple of days ago after the dentist and I was so amazed at how beautiful it was. The design was incredible and the waterfall nearby made it so peaceful. It is tucked away in this vast city and as soon as you step onto the steel grate bridge, you step into a whole other place.

I have seen my share of beauty in my life and yet it seems like each time, things are more and more beautiful.

We've decided to skip the Botanical Gardens and hopefully see it in pictures others have taken. We have other things we want to accomplish while we're here and I want to make sure I am not over doing it with my incision. It has been redder than usual the past couple of days and I have woken up more sore.

I can feel I am losing weight. I can see it in my face and my hips are starting to feel out of joint somewhat.. I know that happens with weight loss sometimes. It is amazing though because before I got here, my feet hurt daily, my knees were sore constantly and then suddenly here they all stopped hurting. Amazing.

So we spent most of yesterday in the hotel. We waited for our laundry to be delivered and then at about 4pm we decided to go shopping.

It is kind of weird because there seems to be a little bit of posessiveness with Ana. We all love her and want her time and she manages to juggle us all but it is kind of funny.. you see that look you get when someone hears Ana is taking you out somewhere and then it is confirmed when she takes them the exact same place the next day ;)

We went to a Brasil souvenir store and I spent a lot of time and money getting souvenirs and gifts for everyone including myself and poor Ana was stuck outside waiting for us while we watched the cashier hand write each item on the receipt and gift wrap them and bubble wrap them. It was so time consuming and while the service was outstanding, we did make Ana late for picking up the next group. Well part of that was traffic too. Rush hour here is so dense and reminds me of the drive to work in the morning ;)

After the Brasil store we had Ana bring us to WalMart where we wanted to pick up some personal products and juice. She told us about a new shampoo/conditioner called Chocolate. It smelled so good we both bought 2 sets. I also picked up some Brasilian coffee and chocolate to bring home.

So it was a great afternoon and we didn't get back to the hotel until after 7. Alecia ran the purchases up to the room and I went and got us a table at the restaurant downstairs. I had 1/2 an Omelete. It was good but a bit dry. I wouldn't recommend that without some sort of sauce.

Tomorrow we are attending the Flea Market which is supposed to be HUGE and packed with people. I will be keeping a keen eye out for some unique things I can bring back and I will be taking as many pictures as I can! I hope the weather is good for us!

Although Alecia and I planned to go together just to two of us, I think everyone is going so I am sure we will end up seeing eachother there.

And tonight, I believe Catherine wants to go for BBQ and so that could end up being the plan. So even if I don't get to enjoy BBQ yet another time, I will probably go to watch and soak up the atmosphere.

Brasil..

2007-08-01T16:50:00.000-06:00

I find myself frustrated mainly with myself and with Alecia. I know we could be appreciating things more. We could be enjoying ourselves more. Reaching out to the culture more.

Part of the reason I originally wanted to travel alone was because I know that I am a positive person and I can make the best of any situation and even though I had a miserable flight in (and misery loves company), being here would be different in a good way if I was alone.. I like to live within myself.. reflect and think... when I travel with someone else, I find my focus is always on that person first..

Don't take that the wrong way, I would never recommend anyone travel here for surgery alone if they could have a companion, I just think that someday I would like to take a trip by myself...
Today was a day of rest for me. I pretty much stayed in the hotel all day with the exception of lunch at the hotel restaurant, visiting with Gerald and Sandy before their flight out and a 5pm grocery shopping trip. After realizing that I forgot to buy fruit juice, we strolled up and down the block but didn't find any shops that had anything suitable.

Yesterday, however was a little more adventurous. Ana took me and Alecia to the dentist (Her cousin's clinic) to get my teeth whitened. Although the experience was fairly mild and Ana's cousin was sooo nice, it was really hard on my incision to be tilted so far back for so long. I am not looking forward to that part of the visit tomorrow.

So after the dentist, I asked Ana to take us to the TV/Radio Tower which has a 360 degree view of Curitiba. It only cost us $3 Reais (about $1.75 CDN) per person to take the elevator to the top. Ana rode for free because she was acting as a tour guide. She must be sick of all those places lol. She also showed us her house which is just around the corner from the tower.

While up in the tower, we were approached by a reporter and photographer who wanted to interview tourists about the sights of Curitiba. He asked us about the places we had been, where we were from, our professions, names and then had his photographer take a few photos. In the end it was exciting to be approached by a reporter but it was also cool that he worked for the Curitiba government and had the story with our picture on the front page of the website within a few hours! I didn't mention the surgery of course but the article ended up having our names, saying that we were sisters in Curitiba for 2 weeks on Vacation and that "We have seen more places we want to visit now that we have seen this view". He made up the quote and didn't have all the correct info but I'll forgive him since it was far more interesting than any answers we gave ;P

People here don't look as exotic as I expected. Don't take that wrong.. I expected to see a culture of people that were vastly different from the people I am surrounded by at home and in all honesty, we could blend in here as locals (minus the camera necklace & English tongue).

There is a difference, though deeper within the culture. The food, the family, habits, work ethic, environmental consciousness, the love for other people.. that one warms my heart..

As in any foreign place, you put your guard up.. and rightfully so, the native folk do as well.. to a degree. Who am I to come here and speak English and ask them to accommodate me. I am sure there are cultural rules broken here everyday by me and the other Canadians/Americans but not intentionally of course.

That wall of protection with the unknown though is transparent. I can see through it and watch them interract with their own kind and see the comfort, warmth, care & detail.. (unless we're talking about driving but that is another story).

I love to see them greet eachother confidently with bom dia (good morning) and other phrases that for some reason didn't make it into my phrase book. They finish every transaction, even the simplest of them with a hearty "Obrigado/Obrigada!" ("thank you") and for those that have closer interraction, a warm kiss on the cheek and gentle hug.

Those that have befriended me such as Vera, Dr. Marchesini, Dr. Georgio (aka Dr. Gorgeous) and even the dentist (Audrey) all treat me to the kiss on the cheek and hug. Makes me feel welcome and invited.. something I was definitely missing when I was in New York and something that I think we could do better to offer in Canada. Ok so we don't have to kiss/hug everyone, but greeting the people we interract with and genuinely thanking them afterwards is something we could all do more often.

I was also happy to see that even the poor and homeless here are working. Whether it be selling merchandise at traffic lights, collecting trash to recycle or hand crafting, they seem to want to work as much as they need to work - that could be a misled observation on my part but it is my true observation.

The housing here in contrast to what we have in Canada is drastically different as well which speaks directly to the culture they have here. The rich and poor living on the same level to a degree but then go home to either run down wooden shacks or mansion style homes with a pool and a well groomed dog. You can drive for 5 minutes and see housing for all class levels, unlike Calgary where we have our classes distinctly separated by community entranceway signs and the aroma of arrogance to accompany it.

I am not saying they don't have an elite housing area here, they do. They have posh condos downtown that are dream homes for most residents, gated communities and mansions that are tucked away in the hills but they come together with commonalities like the garbage collectors who walk the streets at night collecting the trash of all residents regardless of income. It's not slave labour either. It is an honest living which I think is wonderful.

Although I don't get to enjoy much of the food, it is evident as well that they take pride in the food they prepare and serve here. I haven't had the opportunity to compare a Chinese or Japanese restaurant here to what we have back home. I would be interested in seeing any similarities or differences. Perhaps next time... Plastics ;)

So I have blogged the night away and the day comes early tomorrow. dentists and all that..

Thanks for reading.

The next step...

2007-07-30T07:42:00.000-06:00

Now that I am out of the hospital, I feel much more free, a lot healthier and a lot more normal.
Every day I feel better. I overdid it a bit yesterday so I am a little sore today but I am not taking any pain medication so it can't be that bad.

My first couple days back at the hotel have been really good. I haven't been having many problems, I have been joining Alecia and all the others for dinners (even though I just have a drink) but we also went grocery shopping yesterday so I now have some provisions in my room that I can eat.

My only big issues with the room were more around the actual room. The first room we were put in when we got back to the hotel was 401 I think.. and the shower didn't have a handheld feature which newly post op is really important for me. The second room we were put in was 103 and I couldn't even fit through the shower door!!! I eventually requested we move to 206 which I already knew from presurgery was a room I liked and a bathroom that was suitable.

You really do need to make sure to really know what you need and have it, especially when it comes to the bathroom! Newly postop is not the time to be suffering with less than you need.

Alecia wanted to see WalMart so that is where we ended up getting groceries. I was sore and had trouble standing for long periods of time so the taxi driver Ana helped me pick out the right foods and put them into the cart. She put them onto the conveyor and bagged them for me as well! She was so helpful and sweet.

Afterwards we were going to go to Angelinis which is another grocery store but since we managed to pick enough up at Walmart, I decided against it. Instead, Ana agreed to take Alecia and me on a taxi tour of some parts of the city (mainly the Italian section). We went to the cemetery where all the burials are above ground in crypts. We went through a beautiful park where we saw the Capivari which is a huge rodent (similar in appearance to a beaver but without the tail). They reminded me a bit of Loki (my cat) but they of course were muuuuch bigger. (about the size of a warthog?) They are protected so they can't be hunted or harmed.

After a bit more driving around, we came back to the hotel and Ana arranged for the groceries to be brought to the room on the luggage cart. Alecia quickly put them away and I had one of the best tasting fat free/sugar free chocolate puddings in the world!!!!!!!!!

So today is the 30th and I am 6 days post-op. I am eating mainly juices, pudding, yogurt, jello and broth.. but I also have 10 fresh eggs in the fridge... soon, I will be cracking an egg into my soup or soft boiling it :)

Thank goodness we have a stove in the room!

So today will be a day to stick around at the hotel. I have a dentist appointment tomorrow early and Vera will be here soon to check on me so today I will relax and recoup..

days 1 - 5

2007-07-27T11:36:00.000-06:00

So we arrived in Curitiba safe and sound. The first night was hard for me. I felt completely overwhelmed and although Michelle (Kevin's wife) was there to greet me when we got to the hotel, it felt really lonely. We were tired but I had this incredible urge to move and go places.. but then I broke down and cried for a bit before taking a much needed rest. I slept on the couch too which was weird. I just wasn't feeling myself.

Afterwards, Dr. M arrived at the hotel and then I felt much better.. much calmer and a lot more confident that I was where I was supposed to be.. in life... not just the hotel.

The flight just messed me up!

Alecia and I grabbed a bite at the little restaurant in the hotel earlier that night. It felt so foreign.. our plates were weighed and it was the tail end of their lunch buffet so things weren't the best. It may also have been our taste buds.

When Dr. M showed up I asked about places to eat. He said most places close up on Sunday nights but that he would show us a place nearby called Leili's. But as we got to the lobby, we were greeted by Kevin and Michelle and Nicole and Karen and Evelyn. They were having an early day the next day so we all agreed to eat at the place right in the hotel. I am glad I did, I had the best filet mignon with rice and mushroom gravy!!! It was superb! And we had watermelon juice as well!

So that night we just went back to the hotel room and relaxed and planned out the next day. My appointment with Dr. M was at 10, so Durval met us at the hotel lobby for 9:45. We had enough time to grab our free breakfast and we were whisked off to Dr. M's office.

His office was nice! Sharp! Very high end. What you would expect from a private surgeon but not what you'd see at the dr's offices in Canada!

We sat down, talked about the surgery and then he gave me a quick exam in the little exam room connected to his office.

He explained everything and then we exchanged money. I was thankful to be able to save some cash by using visa for some of the fees!

Then from there, Durval escorted us out.. he has been so sweet but not overbearing at all!

We decided we wanted to see some of the shops so he called Ana for us and we went to the leather store and the stone store before Ana dropped us off for a few hours on Flower street.

We loved the leather and stone stores. So inexpensive!!!

We went into a costume/party supply store and I found a few treats to bring home. The owner was nice but his english was minimal but he managed to tell us to come back soon.

From there we were on the hunt for a lunch place and although the shops were plentiful, the places to eat were minimal so we ended up at an Arabian restaurant. We were so close to leaving there and this guy comes up and convinces us to give it a try. It was ok though because it was better than him escorting us to the basement to another restaurant I really didn't need to see ;)

So we finished browsing some touristy places and then went back to the spot that Ana had agreed to meet us at to wait. We didn't have a watch so we had to keep checking in the gift shops to see the time.

Ana took us back to the hospital where we waited for Kevin, Nicole and their families and Gerald of course.. Most of them had been on the rail tour that day and we arranged to meet them for my last supper.. Brazillian seafood.

Time goes by so strangely here. It gets dark so early and time goes by so slow!!! Or at least thats the way it has seemed so far.

I had to quit eating at 10pm and it was already after 8 so I was getting anxious.

SO we had fun at the restaurant although I have to say that I make better seafood!!! It was both service and buffet so that was fun.

So afterwards I went back to the hotel and tried to use the bank machines to take out money but the bank card wouldn't work. Luckilly Karen offered to spot me $60 Reais.

So that was it for me pre-op. The next morning, we were picked up and taken to the hospital.

We were shown to my room and ALecia and I had really nothing to do but sleep... so we did and then suddenly someone showed up, pointed to the gown, I threw it on and away I went to surgery.

The ride to surgery was odd.. noisy, bumpy... When we got into the pre-op room, Dr. M's Son (surgical assistant) was there to greet me. they explained the process of the epidural and the anaesthetic and as soon as they got the IV in, I was being sat up and the IV was being inserted.

So the next thing I remember them putting oxygen on me and I was out.. then suddenly I was waking up vomiting something or other and yelling Paaaaaaaaaaaain!

They recognized the word for pain and responded every time :P

So after a little while in recovery, they had me back in my room unwrapping my legs and oh man I felt like craaaaaaaaaaaap.

It has been 3 days since surgery and each 24 hour period I felt 10000% better and today for the first time I got to eat liquids which made me happy!!!

I think that brings me up to date.. and now I will sit back and enjoy a cup of tea!