Family, Future and Food... Part 1 (Family) 243lbs = -223!!

I have a lot of things to talk about so I am going to break this up into 3 sections as indicated by the subject line :)

Part 1 - Family...

We scattered June's ashes this weekend. On Saturday. I have never experienced anything like that. It was absolutely gorgeous! As we were driving, I thought.. where could we possibly go that would be nice enough for her ashes?? It was nice countryside but nothing majestic... and then we hit a gravel road which became a dirt road which nearly became a dirt path. The road had deep gouges carved out of it and at times, it felt like we were really offroading! I was completely blown away when clouds of butterflies parted as we werent along our way. Beautiful!!! After well over an hour (or two) of driving, we get to the end of the road which led to a forest fire lookout (i believe).

When we pulled up to the spot, a field of wildflowers greeted us. Flies and butterflies and honeybees and pretty much every other insect was there as well.. a natural utopia. I was busy snapping photos of any butterfly or flower I could while my dad scoped out the perfect spot.. and it was perfect indeed. After a very short walk through some trees, we came across a cliff with large shale boulders. It overlooked a beautiful green valley filled with trees and rolling hills. The spot itself seemed to have been a resting place for others as well since names, dates and nicknames were carved into the stone. It was absolutely stunning!

My dad, Lauren and I each took turns reading a page which was given to us by the pastor of my dad's church. We began with some bible passages and June's favourite.. we then said a prayer and as I read the words for the burial/cremation ceremony, my dad released the ashes. The wind was in our favour and the ashes were swept up and away. After the release, my dad carved June's name and 2009 in the stone and Tamara carved a heart. June's daughter was really happy with the place my dad chose I think.
It was so nice.

Incidentally I got a sunburn and on the way back to Claresholm, Mizu got a nail in the tire and we had to drive back to Lethbridge going 80km/h in a 110 zone. After all the repairs on my car this year, I am tired of the issues. The tire only cost $45 luckily. Sigh. I had only been driving Mizu for less than a week before this happened too.. bleh!

I have definitely had my struggles with family. Some of my closest relationships are with people I consider family but who aren't related to me by blood. When I was a child, I honestly thought at one point that my entire reason for living, the reason for my existence, was to mend the gap in my family and bring everyone together again. It was torture for me to see our family lose touch and for people to be fighting. I never understood it but as I grew up, I began to realize that we can try and influence the situation but people can only change their own behaviour.. toss in some hormones, medical conditions, alcohol and circumstance and you have a recipe for a bit mess. I think once I realized I couldn't fix the family, I realized that i needed to stop worrying about them and worry more about me. Fortunately and unfortunately I have a terrible memory so I have forgotten a lot of the bad stuff but anything I haven't had closure on is still gnawing away at me... I don't know what it is or why, but I know it is there. It sucks. It is good because I forget the bad stuff but when I forget, I can't ever get the closure I need.

I think that part of my selfishness also expects that the adults in my family take care of themselves when they can and work to overcome issues when they need to. This to me, is common sense.. I also expect people to work on issues with eachother and not just let them stew and get worse.. of course that doesn't happen :/ I have no patience for people continually complaining about a problem they could be working towards fixing. In a way I don't mind feeling that way but I also feel a little guilty. I wish I had more patience.. I think I need to find a balance between patience and compassion, and feeling like I will be taken advantage of.. I need to be able to trust.

For now, I will focus on building my own family and maintaining the close relationships I do have. I have decided to focus on my life and on me... as selfish as that sounds, I think it is about time that I focus on living my life. (I will touch on this more in part 2)