Christmas? No. Jul? Yes.

I had a lunch and learn session at work today at lunch and it really hit me hard. It bummed me right out.

The workshop was about Christmas and Stress.

I got so bummed out because I realized that Christmas has absolutely ZERO meaning for me right now. I sat there in the presentation listening to people talk about their plans.. baking, travelling out of province, spending time with family, shopping etc.. and it occurred to me. My Christmas is pretty much bare naked.

Growing up, we had a ton of traditions. We occasionally travelled to some family member's house for Christmas or we would have Christmas at home. We would have our traditional hot meal on Dec 24th and then the Danish traditional Smorg on Dec 25th? I can't even remember what day we did what anymore. We would have gift opening and church on Dec 24th in the evening and then stockings on the morning of the 25th. We would always have the tree decorated by Dec 1st and the whole house would be decked out until at least the first week of January.

Admittedly, when my mom and dad split up, things changed but we still kept the traditions. Even though we didn't always do exactly the same thing.. once we went to Banff and stayed in a chalet etc.. but we always had our traditions. We never had a lot. We were on social assistance for many years and I remember getting our holiday turkey from the food bank one year.. but we always had the important things...We always had the basics. Family, food, Spirit, thoughtful gifts, Decorations etc..

So what changed?

Many years ago, my sister Debbie stopped spending Dec 24th with the family and started spending it with her Danish in-laws. Her choice of course, but that changed the dynamic for us. In order to have any time with her at the holidays, we shifted our traditions around so that she wouldn't be having 2 Danish Smorg meals in a row. So Dec 24th became a bit of a chore because we would have our Danish smorg but with fewer people it was more work than it was worth it seemed. We tried to keep it going but it wasn't the same.

At the time we rarely spent any of the holidays with my dad. We more often than not spent his Birthday on Dec 27th with him but not the actual Christmas holidays. I can't even begin to imagine how his holidays shifted when my parents split up. Because the majority of our traditions were Danish focused, it was hard for us to make the choice to go to spend Christmas with him. As kids, we didn't understand how all that worked.

When my mom moved to BC, things really changed because suddenly all of the traditions were gone. We started spending the holidays with my dad and step mom more often but we hadn't created any traditions together.

In addition to the actual events at Christmas, the actual spirit of the season has lost meaning for me. I don't consider myself "Christian" anymore. I have chosen to lead a very spiritual life without any religious affiliation, which I was reminded today meant that I can't technically celebrate "Christmas". I obviously grew out of believing in Santa Claus and I don't celebrate the retail side of the season. As a matter of fact, I don't exchange gifts with my mom or grandpa anymore, and the remaining adults (6 of us) exchange names with a $50 limit so in essence, I am buying gifts for 2 people. One adult and of course my nephew who will undoubtedly get really spoiled every year.

So because my gift purchases are limited, I took like 6 items off the tree at work for the "Adopt-a-family" program and went shopping. I ended up spending like $200 on this family but it really felt good to know I was getting gifts for a family that otherwise wouldn't have had those things. Almost like giving back for the years we were on social assistance...

So what in the hell is Christmas to me now? I wish I knew.

Now I have to admit, I feel stress this year. I am worried about my step mom and things are up in the air still about how exactly we will even celebrate this year and I suppose I am lucky that I don't have any traditions that restrict me from being flexible. We may not know right up until the day before Christmas if we even get to spend the holiday with my dad and step mom this year.. all depending on her health.. I am perfectly ok with that because this year, it is about them. They have more crap to deal with than I do.

I also know full well that this "tradition breakdown" happened not just to me, but to my family as well and they may not be missing it as much as I am, but there must have been an adjustment period where they were wishing things hadn't changed too.

I guess what has me bummed out more than anything is that I am sitting here at 33 years old and Christmas is a big old piece of white paper in my mind. There is no image on it of kids tobogganing. There is no holiday meal or anything on my Christmas page. It is just pure white. If I had my own family, I could get out my markers and start painting my own new Christmas traditions and I am still trying to do that now, but its not that easy.. there is a lot I can't plan right now. Especially this year. This is not the year to set new traditions. So this year is blank.

So what Am I going to do?

Well I am putting up a tree! I love putting up a tree. For me, Christmas may as well be TreeMas because for me it is all about the tree. I actually am not a fan of real pine trees (I wouldn't want to have one in my yard but I love them in forest form). But I absolutely love my decorated Christmas tree. This is the one place that all those traditions and memories are. Ornaments collected year after year. That's where it all is for me. I have ornaments from my childhood. From my grandparents. And every year we exchange ornaments between Lauren, Debbie, my mom and I. So if there is one thing I can hang on to, it is the memories in that tree. The tree itself may be new but it is just the placeholder for all those hanging traditions and memories.

That's all. I am going to decorate a bit at work but aside from the tree, we're not decorating much else at home.

I am looking forward to New Years though. Lauren and I are going to Banff with 4 friends to ring in the New Year. We will celebrate Dec 31st at the Grizzly House and I think being in the mountains with good friends and the atmosphere of the one place that reminds me of Christmas all year long, will bring me back to my happy Christmas Place.

So after careful consideration of all of the above, I think I am going to stick to calling Christmas "Jul" which is the Danish name for the holiday. Jul means something to me and as much as I miss the Christmas of yesteryear, I am looking forward to new traditions with new friends and hopefully some day, a family of my own.

God Jul (Merry Christmas) everyone!