The cup spilleth over.. also -147 maybe?

Before the blog starts, I should share that I went on a wonderful 1 1/2 hour walk on Sunday AND I think my plateau is finally broken! I will confirm on Friday!

I cried last night. I know I know.. suck it up.. like jeez! :P

It was weird.. not a deep sobbing slobbery cry but it almost felt forced.. not fake, but like I had to force myself to unload some of the built up tension or something. I felt like I had to work so hard for each tear so the release of it was like squeezing a drop of oil from a green olive. In other words, it didn't give me much of a release at all..

Before you go thinking like I am a blubbering cry baby, you should know that I really don't cry that much.. I don't often see a purpose for it and lately, the only tears I shed are from either laughing too hard, or when I am overcome with joy (like watching my nephew Michael be born).

On the rare occasion where I do cry, it usually has something to do with being hurt by someone I care about deeply or knowing I unintentionally hurt someone I care about deeply where I caused them some tears...

These tears though, were different. Warm, but not salty.. and only a few from each eye.. but the muscle strain to get those few tears out was tremendous..

These, I think were tears of utter mental/emotional exhaustion and frustration. My brain & my heart are so loaded with thoughts and feelings and realizations and experiences and knowledge that I am overwhelmed...

Its one of those things I realize I have to deal with since this year afterall is my year of challenging myself.. this is the year where I have become a newbie again and I'm no longer the guru.. so with that, comes a certain amount of strain and pressure that builds and occasionally overflows..

I decided to take myself out of my comfort zone this year and I have sure done that!
I don't need to go into detail but I finally decided to give up on the Lavalife guy.. ironically my gut keeps telling me that I've made a mistake and gave up too soon but I'm just at a complete loss..

I think the universe has conspired and was successful at throwing everything possible between us to keep us from meeting.. and even though I was willing to climb over any obstacles thrown my way, I wasn't getting the feeling he was as willing to overcome his obstacles. If he was, he definitely didn't show me.. he said he wanted to meet, but he never did call me.. and sick or not, I expected something more..

I need a man my life that openly shows me that I am important to him.. I can't keep being the one to push forward.. I need him to pull me in..

Anyway.. the 28 yr old from New Brunswick I was talking to ended up purely wanting a sexual relationship over the telephone which is definitely not my style.. so he got blocked in a hurry..
..and so that leaves me where I am now..

I'm not worried though.. I know MY perfect man is out there somewhere.. I'm very positive about that.. and my mind (and heart) are wide open and waiting..

I came to a realization about having such an open mind/heart.. I am almost 100% guaranteed to get hurt.. but you know what? It is a risk I am willing to take. I am no longer afraid of getting hurt. If I am willing to step out of my comfortzone for personal development in my hobbies and career, I am definitely willing to step out of my comfort zone for love..

Bring... It... On!

Anyway.. this is as usual too much information.. but then again thats what I am all about.. share share share...

And these are the days of my life.. ;P