Random thoughts

It is frustrating for a chronic communicator to not be able to get her point across. That is my never-ending struggle. Being misunderstood.

I could even go as far as to complain with the cliche, "That is the story of my life."

And so I wonder, how do I demonstrate who I am to someone I meet for the first time, effectively, efficiently and with enough flare that I am not a boring "whomever" but a dynamic individual?

Who am I. Good question.. damn good question.

Maybe the real me is just "awkward" and we (me and everyone else) are so used to it, that it is one of my traits that blends into my eternal landscape?

Who am I? I wonder what matters more? Who I am, or who I want to be.. after all we really can't change who we are to begin with but we always have control over who we become.. So maybe who I am is far less important than who I will become? Or am I just talking in circles?

Yeah, I do talk in circles. Honestly, I do.

So ok, I am a 32 year old woman who feels such a strong sense of self internally but can't seem to project that outward to evoke the desired reaction of interest and curiosity I desire so much.

I have a strong sexual presence which is slowly being released through my weight loss but is still kept under tight watch from the demons of self-consciousness.

I love to be creative. Period. Everything and anything.

I love my ability to perceive, my ability to inquire and my ability to feel.. to be empathic. I also love my ability to remain balanced which has seen me through some of the most turbulent times in my life.

Ok so apparently I love myself. lol. Yeah good start.. Kind of..

I made a list of one word descriptions of who I think I am.. I came up with a whole bunch of wonderful words that describe my achievements and skills.. I found some criticisms and poked fun at myself a little. I labeled myself appropriately and inappropriately.

But really.. Who am I? Who is Pia and what is she all about?? What is my most consistent attribute? I can't be the token fat girl for much longer so what is my identity really, without the pounds?

I am a lover of life. I feel alive yet I am so anxious to live life to the fullest. I feel like I really haven't started living yet..

I guess all this "who am I" stuff really breaks down to.. "How do I want to be perceived by others?".

I want to be respected, loved (both deeply and passionately) & looked up to (as a mentor and role model). I want to be thought of as interesting, smart, funny, clever, sexy, wise, spontaneous, random, consistent, grounded, flexible, optimistic.. did I mention attractive?

Then again... who doesn't?

So with all this reflection and confusion I am still left not quite knowing who I am... but I know who I used to be...

I had some pretty steep goals for myself. Within the past 7 years I set the following goals:

1) Find a good career
2) Quit smoking
3) lose weight
4) stop biting my nails
5) fall in love

#5 was an unfair goal to set. Even achieving it doesn't guarantee anything. It could be one sided which is why I ended up removing it from my list. #4 is still an ongoing struggle but I have had some pretty nails for a while..

#1 I found a great career. Technical Writing. I love it. I am employed in it full time as a contractor. (Goal Achieved but development ongoing)

#2 I quit smoking April 7, 2001. I did it for my health and for the health of my family. I did it because I decided that year to pursue weight loss surgery and I didn't want to be a hypocrite.(Goal Achieved)

#3 Well, July 24, 2007, I had weight loss surgery and now at 92 lbs down I have to say that goal is pretty well taken care of. I will lose the weight virtually automatically now. (Goal Achieved)

So this is why I am left wondering who I am. I'm not going to be the fat girl much longer. I have achieved all of my major goals.. Goals I honestly didn't think were achievable when I set them. So now I start over with new goals, creating a new chapter in my life novel. What goals do I set?

And without suffering from amnesia, I still wonder...

"Who am I?"

Your feedback is welcome and appreciated.