Little things..

I was grocery shopping in Safeway today.

I was recently asked about what it feels like to live life obese and in my answer, recalled some encounters with adults and being teased about my weight. But at that moment I forgot about the numerous encounters I have had with children.

I've been asked before if I was pregnant, I have been asked blatantly why I was so fat and today, a little girl commented to her mother that I have a really big tummy.

I shouldn't get upset with children when they make comments like these. In reality, they are being observant and just saying what is on their minds.

I smiled at her with honest sincere friendliness and as she passed, all I heard were those words.. "Mommy, she has a really big tummy".

Anyway.. back to real life stuff.

I am still not enjoying eating at all and I am still not under 400lbs. It is frustrating to have an expectation set that I could lose 30 lbs in 16 days and then wait another month and not lose 36 more. But then I sit back and think about it.. 30 lbs in 16 days is ridiculously fast! I am expecting to lose up to 200lbs in the next year. If I lose 30 lbs every 16 days I won't exist in a year.

So I am trying to see it all in a realistic light and realize that if I plan to lose 200lbs in a year, minus 30 which I lost in the first 16 days, I should average 4 lbs a week which is really only double the medically recommended amount. Not as drastic as it seems when you say 200lbs in a year. Seems impossible.

Thats another thing I am trying to get over. The impossible becoming possible. I still haven't seen enough change to really believe the weight is coming off as it should. Even though I am eating a fraction of the food I ate pre-op, I eat so often that I feel like I am eating a lot. Purely psychological.

I see pictures of other patients at a year post-op and see a night and day image. A new person barely recognizable as the "before" pic. And still, until it happens to me it will remain a dream.

I know I am starting to feel much much more normal now because I have started piling on the home improvement projects. I have the energy and motivation to tackle the house again which went away the last few months before surgery. I think I was feeling much more stress than I would allow myself to admit.

I was asked if I was nervous before surgery and in all honesty, I wasn't. I was ready, at peace with it all and the only stress I was feeling was related to the actual plane ride there and back.

Looking back though, I see that my stress was there. Maybe not concern about the procedure but about the gravity of the change I was about to undertake. I see it in the weight I gained pre-op, I see it in my dropped motivation and energy, I see it in my schooling being put aside, and I see it in the number of distractions I forced upon myself. Shopping was a bad one :P

I carry my tension in my shoulders and now that the adrenaline has settled, my life has begun to pulse at a normal rate and things are feeling more comfortable, all that tension has surfaced.. I can't wait till I can lay on my stomach and get a massage!

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before but I also have to wear a binder. Every minute of every day for 3 months after surgery. A velcro fastened, white elastic girdle - sort of. It feels comforting for all of 30 seconds after putting on a freshly washed one.. until it slides down and settles into the cozy areas not currently occupied by love handles.

I have so many things to be excited about though. I am so looking forward to trying Tai Chi or Pilates. I don't want to get into running and in all honesty with the weight loss, I don't know how badly I will be wanting to get into a bathing suit and going swimming but I could see myself in a cute workout outfit getting my chi centered!

Oh and for the record, I am loving my new hair! It is so much easier to manage than my old straight hair!

Anyway, as usual I appreciate your interest in my story. Thanks for stopping by!